THE X-FILES

MUSICAL

This is not written by me (although I wish it was) and so I cannot take credit for the pure comic genius of it.

(Mulder and Scully are sitting in their office. Mulder takes out a picture of Samantha. Scully senses he's sad.)

Scully: Mulder, are you okay?

Mulder: Yeah, Scully. I'll live.

Scully: Do you want to talk about it? Isn't it the anniversary of the (gulp) night?

Mulder: Yeah, I"ll never forget that night. Sometimes it's hard to go on, you know? But I . . .

(Lights turn dark and the spotlight hits Mulder. He stands.)

"I Will Survive"

That night, I was afraid, I was petrified.

The lights went off and I saw my sister get beamed outside.

Oh, I could never find her but I told all of them that my sister Samantha

had been taken by aliens

And now I work

for the FBI

And I've got my partner Scully working by my side.

We work on the X-Files but what I really want to find

Is my sister who was abducted

When she was almost nine!

And yeah, I know!

I will survive.

Oh, we search through paranomral 'cause we know she's still alive.

We found her a few times, but it really wasn't her.

It was just clones!

And now Scully has can-cer...!

(He suddenly stops and looks at Scully. He points to the door.)

Scully, go! Walk out the door!

Don't turn around now.

I don't want to hurt you anymore!

Scully: Mulder! No, I don't blame you.

(Music suddenly stops. Mulder lowers his arms and looks at Scully.)

Mulder: Scully, I don't see why you've stayed with me. Haven't you ever just wanted to leave? I wouldn't blame you.

Scully: Mulder, I can't lie to you. Sometimes I feel like that. You know, sometimes I'm thinking about . . .

Somewhere.. outside the basement..

Way up high.

There's a land that I heard of,

Once, when I walked by.

Somewhere..outside this bureau,

Lad-ders are climbed.

Jerks, climb way up the ladder,

Why, then oh why, can't I?

Someday I'll convince you Mulder

To take a walkk up to those parts, and maaaaaaaaaaybe work there.

Where UFOs don't just disappear and the dead they don't just re-appear.

That's where you'll fiiiiiiiiind me.

Somewhere..outside the basement.

There's no cerulean blue.

But I won't lea-eave the X-Files!

Why? It's because of yoooooou!

(Mulder wipes a tear which makes Scully cry.)

Mulder: Don't cry, Scully. Know what I always do when I'm sad? I just think of..my favorite things . . .

UFO sightings and little green me-en.

Irr-efut-able proof of existance.

My partner Dana Scully when she sings.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in magazines with birthday suits on.

Alien hybrids and alien spawn.

New contacts that meet me and Elvis the King.

These are a few of my favorite things!

When I can't sleep!

When those bees sting!

When I'm feeling bad.

I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feeeeeel sooooo bad.

Mulder: Now you try it.

Scully: Ice-cream and salad and bar-b-que square ribs.

Yelling at people and breaking their ribs.

Fro-hike when he works out is buff.

This is some of my favorite stuff.

(Screeeeech! Music stops.)

Mulder: Scully!

Scully: Just kidding!

(Music resumes.)

When my nose bleeds.

When those bees sting.

When I'm feeling bad.

I simply remember my favorite things..

(Mulder joins her)

And then I don't feeeeeeeelllll soooooooo bad!!!

Scully: Thanks, Mulder. I feel a lot better.

(Someone knocks at the door.)

Man: Agents Mulder and Scully. Skinner wants to see you -- now!

(Mulder and Scully sigh simultaneously.)

***

(Mulder and Scully take their seats.)

Mulder: You wanted to see us sir?

Skinner: Yes! Would you mind clearing something up Agent Mulder?! The official case you want me to send to the Section Chief is that you and Agent Scully were abducted by aliens??

Mulder: Um..yeah.

(Scully sighs, crosses her arms, and leans back.)

Skinner: Okay, Mulder. Tell me what happened last Saturday night.

(Mulder takes a deep breath to prepare himself.)

(Sing to Hotel California.)

I was driving down the highway

Cool wind in my hair

Scully's scientific mumbles was all I could hear.

Then up ahead in the distance I saw a shimmering light.

My head grew heavy and my sights grew dim.

We were abducted that night.

There they stood in their "doorway."

I heard the alien speak.

And I was thinking to myself,

Boy, this is pretty neat!

Then it pointed a finger

And it beamed me away

Scully was frozen in horror and

I thought I heard them say..

(Skinner starts)

Welcome to The X-Files Paranoia.

Such a spooky place, such a spooky place.

(Skinner takes out his maalox and takes a big drink.)

Mulder: You don't believe me, do you?

Skinner: .. Mulder ..

Mulder: Listen, jerk..

(Scully puts her hand on Mulder's arm to calm him down.)

Scully: Mulder, don't blow up on him. It's not his fault.

Skinner: You know, all I ever wanted was a little respect . . .

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Find out what it means to me.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

To get cred-i-bility.

What you want,

Oh, I got it.

What you need,

You know I got it.

And alI I want you to do for me is show me some respect.

(Chorus)

When I'm at work,

Just a little bit.

Give it to me,

Just a little bit.

Hey, Mulder now. I ain't gonna lead you wrong while you're gone.

I ain't gonna lead you wrong

On assignement.

All I'm asking you to do for me is show me some respect.

(Repeat chorus)

Just a little bit, hey Scully.

Just a little bit, hey Mulder now.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

FBI-Skinner A.D.

(Holly pops her head in the door.)

Sock it to 'em, sock it to 'em, sock it to 'em.

(Skinner gestures with his hands to end the music. Holly disappears.)

Skinner: If I don't get some soon I'll be angry.

(Scully stifles a laugh. Mulder grins.)

Mulder: Get some what sir?

Skinner: That's it! I'm separating you and Scully!!!

Scully: Noooooooo!

(Mulder starts . . . )

Don't make us part.

It'll really break my heart.

I just don't think you understand.

'Cause if you break my heart,

My achy breaky heart.

I'll get mad and kill you man!

Skinner: Alright! -- Get out of my sight!

(Mulder and Scully scramble out. Skinner takes another drink of maalox.)