Quotes: SmackDown!
January 6, 2000
Taped 01/04/00 from the Orlando Arena, Orlando, FL - sold out
IMO, this is a great show! Footage of Monday's antics. Backstage, Steph announces the lottery main event for the WWF title, and puts the rest of D-X in very tough matches. The Big Show vs. X-Pac. Hardcore Holly/Crash Holly (w/ scale) vs. Chris Jericho (C)/Chyna (C, w/ Miss Kitty Kat [C]). Series of Mankind vignettes with the fake Mankind wandering through Universal Studios. Backstage, Steph lets Tori use her bathroom, then tricks Road Dogg into walking in on her. The Acolytes vs. Badd Ass Billy Gunn; Road Dogg interferes. Kane demands and receives a match with Road Dogg; the Dogg himself finds out and is very upset. Kane (w/ Tori) vs. Road Dogg; X-Pac interferes. Awesome Rock/Angle interview confrontation in-ring. The Rock vs. Kurt Angle; Steve Blackman interferes. Edge/Christian/Jeff Hardy (w/ Matt Hardy and Terri) vs. the Dudley Boyz/Al Snow (w/ Head). Test vs. the Big Boss Man (C); Prince Albert interferes. Handicap match: the Mean Street Posse vs. Kaientai. Backstage, Howard Finkel draws Rikishi's name as Triple H's main event opponent. The real Mankind finds and beats up the fake Mankind. WWF championship: Triple H (C) vs. Rikishi Phatu; Stephanie on color.
(Backstage, all of D-X is settled in the dressing room of Triple H and Stephanie. Triple H is relaxing on a couch in the background with the title belt in his lap. The New Age Outlaws and X-Pac are on a sofa in the foreground, with Stephanie standing in front of them patiently)
STEPHANIE: "Last Monday night was a very proud moment in the history of the World Wrestling Federation, when Triple H..."
(they all glance over at their seated leader)
STEPHANIE: "...became the World Wrestling Federation champion. But let's face it... it wasn't incredibly proud for ALL of D-X, now was it? The three of you couldn't defeat the ROCK? You couldn't get the Rock FIRED?"
(Billy stares up at Stephanie in amazement, while X-Pac wears a look of confusion. Road Dogg looks back over at Triple H again)
STEPHANIE: "I mean, granted, Mick Foley, he ran in; but the three of you couldn't do it anyway?"
CROWD (listening in via the OvalTron): "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
STEPHANIE: "Now... D-X is all about perfection, and certainly we can all strive to do better. Now, I'm taking care of Mick Foley. Hunter and I have a warrant out for his arrest, should he trespass tonight."
(upon hearing this, the crowd gives Stephanie massive heat)
STEPHANIE: "That leaves the rest of you." (turns to Road Dogg) "Roadie, we haven't quite figured out what we're going to do for you. But we'll let you know!"
ROAD DOGG (sarcastically): "Oh, THANK you."
(Stephanie turns to X-Pac, who is regarding her with suspicion)
STEPHANIE: "X-Pac, you'll have the chance to redeem yourself... when you take on the Big Show."
X-PAC: "The BIG Show?!" (X-Pac leaps to his feet and is in Stephanie's face in a blink) "What the hell are you talking about, Big Show? What about Thursday?"
TRIPLE H (coming up beside his wife): "Hey... Big Show... what's the problem? I went out against him! One-on-one; I beat him for the title! You're every bit as good as I am! You've got a problem with that? Beat his ass! That's what you do."
(X-Pac continues to look reluctant)
TRIPLE H (a note of viciousness creeping into his voice): "That's what WE do."
(X-Pac stares at them both before slowly backing down)
STEPHANIE: "As another example... Billy. I know that you and Road Dogg, you've kind of tried to save the Acolytes for the Royal Rumble..."
(A "we have?" look passes between Mr. Ass and Road Dogg)
STEPHANIE: "...But tonight, you'll have the opportunity to soften BOTH of the Acolytes up! You'll take them on in a handicap match."
BILLY (leaping to his feet): "Whoa! Whoa, you're-- me, in a handicap match against the Acolytes."
STEPHANIE (smiling): "Yes."
BILLY (starting to freak): "Whoa, look--"
TRIPLE H (gently, to Billy): "Just relax. You can get this job done."
ROAD DOGG (in the background and off-camera): "What is going ON here?"
TRIPLE H (raising his voice to include everyone): "You guys think you're the only one that's going to sacrifice? You think you're the only ones that are going to walk in the ring tonight and sacrifice for the betterment of this whole group? *I* am, too."
(Stunned at recent developments, Billy drops back onto the couch next to Road Dogg, who has been sitting with a hand over his eyes. X-Pac sits as well)
STEPHANIE: "That's right. Tonight, history is being made. Never before has the WWF champion entered himself into a random lottery. Random drawing. It could even be one of you facing Triple H tonight!"
TRIPLE H: "Anybody. Anybody here..."
STEPHANIE: "Anybody!"
(camera shot catches the reaction of the other members of D-X. They all look less than thrilled)
TRIPLE H: "...Can get a shot tonight. That's never been done before."
STEPHANIE: "Never been done; and you know what?" (Stephanie snuggles up to Triple H) "I am so incredibly proud of you."
UNIDENTIFIED D-X MEMBER (disgusted, in the background): "Oh, God..."
TRIPLE H: "I'm proud, too..." (turns to include the rest of the group) I'm proud to be a member of D-X..." (focuses back on Steph) "And I'm proud to be part of the McMahon-Helmsley era."
(They smooch. The camera catches Road Dogg coughing pointedly, X-Pac with an expression of disgust, and Billy still looking dazed)
"It's tough love from Triple H and Stephanie for D-X, as we kick off the first SmackDown of the new millennium! X-Pac meets the Big Show! Billy Gunn takes on both Acolytes tonight from the sold-out arena in Orlando, Florida!"
-- Michael Cole, kicking us off
"Stephanie- the People's Ho!"
-- sign in the crowd
"The People's Jabroni"
-- sign in the crowd (the sign-holder had a hole cut out for his face and was sticking his head through)
"Drop the Chalupa"
-- sign in the crowd, again
"I'm Kane and Tori's Love Child"
-- sign in the crowd
"King, I'll tell ya what-- you couldn't give me all the money in the world to be X-Pac tonight, because think about the mood the Big Show is in!"
"Oh, my God!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as the Big Show heads to the ring
"Big Show with a chop across the chest; almost knocking X-Pac out of his boots!"
-- Michael Cole as the Big Show manhandles X-Pac
"Look out! The Big Show's out of control!"
"You can't do that!"
"The Big Show!"
"CAN'T DO THAT!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as the Big Show chokeslams the referee
"X-Pac is a Tool"
-- giant sign in the crowd
"The Big Show's uncontrollable; he's in a rage; we need some help... oh, look at him; get away, get away! ...Get in there, Michael; stop him!"
-- Lawler as the extra refs scramble to escape Big Show's wrath
"This is a fate worse than death to be with you and your little... ridiculous-looking... buddy here."
-- Chris Jericho exchanging words with Chyna backstage on their upcoming tag team match
"I don't want to have anything to do with this tag team, this is a ridic-- I want you to stand on the apron and--" (to Kitty) "--shut your mouth--" (back to Chyna) "--stand on the apron and do what you do best, which is look good... I doubt you can even do THAT... I'M going to do all the work inside the ring!"
-- Jericho continuing to harp on Chyna as he, she, and Miss Kitty Kat head for the ring
"I know that Chris Jericho can't stand Chyna, and I know Chyna hates Jericho's guts, but they are going to have to co-exist here tonight! Chris Jericho telling Chyna to just stand on the apron... he may be cutting on his nose to spite his face!"
-- Lawler as Chyna heads to the ring
"Hold your ears!"
-- Lawler as the Y2J entrance fires up
"Only one."
-- Jericho on the ramp during his entrance, addressing Chyna and gesturing at his IC title belt
"You saw those police officers surrounding the arena here in Orlando... you have to assume that they're out there to keep an eye out for Mankind! Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley saying that Mankind would be arrested for trespassing if the fired Mankind shows up here tonight."
"Well, for once in my life I hope he DOES show up!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"Hardcore Holly; beautiful dropkick to Y2J Chris Jericho... Chyna with a mock look of concern on her face..."
-- Michael Cole as the crowd heaps heat onto Hardcore
"Ol' Mankind, he hasn't had much luck in the unemployment line; maybe he'll be more successful in the jailhouse! He'll be REAL popular there with all that long hair of his..."
-- Lawler
"If she wants to watch this match, hey Kat, I've got the best seat in the house! My lap! Come over here!"
-- Lawler
"Give me my belt!"
-- Chyna snatching the IC title belt after Jericho is pinned by the Hollies
"Heya, little buddy! How would you like an autograph? No? How 'bout a hug? Give me a hug!"
"Hey, stay away from the kids!"
-- the fake Mankind trying to make friends at Universal Studios Theme Park
(Backstage, Steph is lounging on the couch in the dressing room with Road Dogg standing in front of her, looking annoyed)
ROAD DOGG: "Stephanie, do you know what I'm doing? Do you know what my punishment is for tonight?"
STEPHANIE (innocently): "Well, first of all, Roadie, you're not being punished, but no, I'm not the one making that decision; Hunter said he wanted to."
ROAD DOGG: "It's his decision; well, where's he at, so I can-- so I'll know what's going on?"
STEPHANIE: "Well, I think he's changing; he's in the bathroom."
ROAD DOGG: "Well, I'll get to the bottom of it right now, then." (Road Dogg walks over to the private bathroom in the office) "Hunter! Hunter."
(Road Dogg opens the door and we hear a terrified woman scream. Road Dogg leaps back and slams the door)
ROAD DOGG (furious): "Stephanie, why didn't you TELL me Tori was in there?!"
STEPHANIE (still innocent): "I forgot!"
(Road Dogg storms past her on his way to the door. You can still hear Tori screaming in the background)
ROAD DOGG: "You forgot, hell! You've been forgetting a lot of stuff lately!"
STEPHANIE (smiling, to herself): "A woman's entitled to forget."
"I think somebody wanted Road Dogg to bust in on Tori there, if you ask me."
"What IS up with that?"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole as Mr. Ass gets popped (!!) in the background for his entrance
"Poor Mr. Ass here having to take on the Acolytes by himself... did you see him run to the ring? That would have been the slowest walk I've ever made in my LIFE to THIS ring."
-- Lawler as the Acolytes beat up Mr. Ass
"Did you see that?!"
"What a clothesline! The clothesline from hell by Bradshaw, knocking Billy Gunn just about out of his boots!"
"Is Billy's head still on? Is it still attached?"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole
"The Outlaws will meet the Acolytes at the Royal Rumble, tag team titles on the line--"
"And we're getting a preview of it right now, Michael! And it doesn't look too good for the Outlaws, does it?"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as the pair of tag teams battle off into the stands
(Backstage, Triple H and Steph are on their sofa, watching with interest as the Acolytes beat on the Outlaws all the way into the crowd. Next to them, Kane stands impatiently, waiting for an audience with the WWF commanders-in-chief)
TRIPLE H (not looking away from the TV and addressing Kane): "Hold on, big man, hold on. Look at this! Unbelievable. I'll tell you what..."
(Kane huffs and tightens his glove as the Helmsleys continue to ignore him)
TRIPLE H: "...Acolytes versus the Outlaws at the Royal Rumble; THAT is gonna be one hell of a match!"
(Kane reaches down and swipes an arrangement of dried flowers off the coffee table in front of the TV, sending it flying across the room. Startled, Triple H and Stephanie stand)
TRIPLE H: "Hey, easy!"
KANE (growly voice): "I... want a match... with that PERVERT Road Dogg! NOW!"
TRIPLE H (glancing back at Steph): "Why the hell is he saying that about...?"
STEPHANIE (leaning forward around her husband): "You got it, Kane! You got it!"
(Kane turns and stomps out)
TRIPLE H: "What's his problem with Road Dogg?"
STEPHANIE (looking innocent again): "I don't know, but it's gonna be one hell of a match!"
(We're backstage again. Triple H and Steph are resettled on their couch and Road Dogg is in the room, trying to get his breath back after the tangle with the Acolytes)
TRIPLE H: "...paired up at the Rumble, and I can appreciate what you just did for Billy."
(Road Dogg nods)
TRIPLE H: "But if Billy interferes in your match tonight--"
ROAD DOGG (head snapping up): "MY match?"
TRIPLE H: "--I'm going to have to let him go."
ROAD DOGG: "My MATCH?"
STEPHANIE: "Yeah, right now. Against Kane."
ROAD DOGG (staring at Steph): "Right n-- against KANE?! This is your-- you TOLD him, didn't you?"
(Road Dogg storms up to Steph, but Triple H stands quickly to come between them)
TRIPLE H (warningly): "Back off!"
ROAD DOGG (glaring at Stephanie): "This is--"
TRIPLE H: "Back off!"
ROAD DOGG: "I-- you told him, didn't you?"
TRIPLE H: "Back... off!"
ROAD DOGG: "You know what?"
(Road Dogg thinks better of whatever he was going to say and slams out)
TRIPLE H (looking at Stephanie): "What is he talking about? What is he talking about, "you told him?"
STEPHANIE (innocent, as usual): "I have NO idea."
"Well, let's face it! I mean, that's something; Road Dogg walks in on Tori when she's in the bathroom; I'm the King; I don't like being caught on the throne!"
-- Lawler
"There are serious games being played here tonight on SmackDown..."
-- Michael Cole as Kane comes to the ring
"Did you see Kane's emotion when he found out that the Road Dogg had inadvertently-- it was an accident-- walked in on Tori in the bathroom?"
"Yeah, I mean, he actually put a whole sentence together!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"If I didn't know better, Michael, I think that "D" in D-X is starting to stand for "dissention!"
-- Lawler as the Road Dogg makes his entrance
"Road Dogg's ass better call the EMTs!"
-- Michael Cole
"You see it's me, it's me, it's that D-O-double... G..."
-- Road Dogg, getting distracted as Kane climbs over the top rope and starts heading towards him
"Road Dogg's always talking about calling somebody; right now, I bet he wishes he knew the number to Dial-a-Prayer!"
-- Lawler as Kane tumbles Road Dogg into the ring
"This is what love does! It messes everything up!"
-- Lawler
"Triple H and Stephanie, King, claim they're doing this for the betterment of D-X; to make D-Generation X stronger, to make it a tighter group as the McMahon-Helmsley era moves into the new millennium. This is a little overboard!"
"Well, don't ever let a dog guard your food and don't ever believe somebody when they tell you they're doing something for your own good!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as Kane continues beating the beejezus out of the Dogg
"Leg across the forehead of the Road Dogg, nearly driving his head through the mat!"
"I tell you what... Road Dogg must have got to see an awful lot; I hope it was worth it!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"Keep in mind, Triple H said Billy Gunn couldn't interfere in this match! He said nothing about X-Pac!"
-- Michael Cole as X-Pac comes down, distracting Kane
"I think Tori's still making eyes at X-Pac!"
-- Lawler as Tori gazes after X-Pac
"Tombstone piledriver!"
"Look at Tori!"
"Look at Road Dogg! His eyes rolled into the back of his head!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as Kane plants Road Dogg
"I think Tori just had a special moment; looks like she needs a cigarette or something!"
-- Lawler
"That wasn't tough love, King! That was a massacre!"
-- Michael Cole
"The arena has just come unglued!"
-- Michael Cole as the Rock's theme begins and the crowd goes NUTS
"Oh, he even signed it for you, huh? Now all you need to do is find somebody to read it to you, Michael Cole!"
-- Lawler after Michael Cole bragged about having a signed copy of the Rock's autobiography
(Perched on the ringpost, the Rock observes the red-hot crowd as only he can)
LAWLER: "You know what, Michael? *I* just realized something that the Rock probably doesn't even realize... what he's doing here tonight! The Rock's on a mission and doesn't even know it! He's out here to defeat Kurt Angle because... well, simply because Stephanie thinks that Kurt Angle's cute, and Triple H has made this match!"
(The Rock lifts the microphone)
THE ROCK: "Finally, the Rock, HAS COME BACK to Orlando!"
(crowd pops like crazy)
LAWLER: "I didn't think the Rock was going to be able to come back anywhere; I thought Rock was going to be fired Monday night!"
THE ROCK: "Last week on RAW is WAR, Triple H, you threw them all at the Rock! You threw every member of the roody poo crew at the Rock!"
(big pop)
LAWLER: "Rock had to defeat all three members of D-X in order to keep from getting fired..."
THE ROCK: "But like the great one that the Rock is, the Rock came out on top; one... two..."
CROWD: "THREE!"
THE ROCK: "...three."
LAWLER: "Yeah, well... thanks to the fired Mankind."
THE ROCK: "So the Rock says, thus declaring him, thus declaring this, the millennium of the Rock; damn it, declaring the Rock the people's champion!"
(crowd goes nuts)
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
LAWLER: "They're chanting the Rock's name!"
THE ROCK: "So the Rock says... do you see it?"
(crowd pops)
LAWLER: "See what?"
THE ROCK: "The Rock says... do you... taste it?"
(crowd pops)
LAWLER: "What's he talking-- taste what?"
THE ROCK: "The Rock says... do you smell it?"
(crowd goes nuts)
LAWLER: "I thought that was you, Michael Cole! What's that smell?"
THE ROCK: "IF YA SMEEEEEEEELALALALALAOW! What the ROCK..."
CROWD: "...IS COOKING!"
THE ROCK: "...is cookin'."
(The Rock chucks the mic, and Lawler reaches over to flip the switch on Michael Cole to "on")
MICHAEL COLE (brightly): "The Rock set to go one-on-one with former Olympian Kurt Angle!"
(Kurt Angle's theme cranks up, and Angle comes out with mic in hand)
MICHAEL COLE: "Will Angle's undefeated streak come to an end on SmackDown?"
LAWLER: "Well, I gotta say in one word, Michael... yes."
(Lawler turns Michael Cole to the "off" setting)
KURT ANGLE: "I stand before you tonight..."
(the crowd boos enthusiastically)
ANGLE: "Please! I stand before you tonight as an Olympic champion!"
LAWLER: "And undefeated!"
ANGLE: "An American hero!"
LAWLER: "That's true!"
ANGLE: "A representative of this great nation!"
LAWLER: "Show some respect!"
ANGLE: "A man who has gone and done battle in the Olympic games, and came out a winner!"
LAWLER: "And he never lies, Michael; he's so forthright!"
(In this entire time, the crowd heat has not lessened and gotten stronger if anything)
ANGLE: "Not to mention, I am still undefeated here in the World Wrestling Federation! That's right!"
LAWLER: "And he's also a favorite of Stephanie McMahon!"
ANGLE: "And as you know..."
LAWLER (aside): "She thinks he's CUTE, Michael."
ANGLE: "...I am a man of intensity, integrity, and intelligence."
LAWLER: "The three "I"s!"
(The Rock paces in the ring, flicking the people's eyebrow)
ANGLE: "So I feel that *I* should have the title of the people's champion!"
(the crowd boos even louder)
LAWLER: "Uh-oh... he wants to claim the title of the people's champion?"
(Michael Cole restarts himself)
MICHAEL COLE: "Oh, boy..."
(cameras catch the Rock staring a hole through Angle)
ANGLE (answering the heat): "You mean to tell me that you would prefer to pronounce this GQ, smooth-talking--"
(at this point, the jeers from the crowd are so loud it becomes difficult to hear Angle; I swear, the crowd is about to come over the barricades)
ANGLE: "--smart-alec, as your people's champion? Give me a BREAK!"
(crowd pops as Angle tosses the mic aside and hops into the ring)
MICHAEL COLE: "Um... I don't know if that was too wise."
LAWLER: "He's got the Rock all fired up!"
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
(having retrieved a mic, the Rock holds it in one hand and extends another to stop Angle from approaching any closer)
MICHAEL COLE: "So it's the Olympic gold medallist Kurt Angle set to take on the Rock, but the Rock's not through yet!"
LAWLER: "Uh-oh..."
(Lawler turns Michael Cole to "Oh boy" setting)
MICHAEL COLE: "Oh boy!"
THE ROCK: "The Rock says... you come down here and you run your MOUTH..." (crowd pop) "...And you've managed to do something you never should have done, and that is, annoy the Rock!"
LAWLER: "Uh-oh, the Rock's annoyed..."
THE ROCK: "So the Rock says this-- you are, no doubt, a true American hero."
(crowd heat for Angle as Angle looks to the crowd for support)
LAWLER: "Giving him his props! Got the gold medals!"
THE ROCK: "And upon realizing this, the Rock couldn't help but notice... all your... gold medals."
MICHAEL COLE: "Oh, boy!"
LAWLER: "I think I know where THIS is going... they're already shiny, Rock!"
THE ROCK: "Well, tonight... in Orlando..." (crowd pop) "...the Rock would like you do do something very special with those medals."
(crowd pop)
LAWLER: "Oh... Mickey Mouse might be watching!"
THE ROCK: "Something you probably have never done with medals... the Rock wants you to take an all-American cloth, he wants you to take some all-American wax..."
(crowd pops big)
LAWLER: "Wax?"
(Michael Cole chuckles)
THE ROCK: "...And the Rock wants you to shine those medals up real nice!"
(crowd pops)
LAWLER: "Wait a minute, Rock; those are Olympic gold medals!"
THE ROCK: "Shine 'em up real good, 'cause you're very special! So the Rock says, when you're done shining, put the medals down. Do about thirteen jumping jacks, do about twenty-seven sit-ups, do some squats, take those medals..."
CROWD: "TURN 'EM SIDEWAYS, AND STICK 'EM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!"
LAWLER: "Oh, no..."
THE ROCK: "Turn those sumbitches sideways, and stick 'em straight up your Olympic ass!"
(crowd goes NUTS)
"Kurt Angle getting out of Dodge quickly!"
"He's showing one of those "I"s... intelligence!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as Angle tries to escape and is pursued by the Rock; crowd goes nuts again
"I think that Blackman thing's sort of just a coincidence."
-- Lawler on Blackman's
"Stephanie McMahon thinks Kurt Angle's cute!"
"Do you think Triple H may be a little jealous?"
"What do YOU think of Kurt?"
"I think he's a tremendous athlete! Olympic gold medalist!"
"No, I mean... how's he look to you?"
"Oh, please..."
-- Lawler and Michael Cole as Angle and Rock battle
"Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
-- loud and clear crowd chant directed towards Angle
"Roo-dy poo! Roo-dy poo! Roo-dy poo!"
-- unique crowd chant a few moments later
"We've got company. The Lethal Weapon, kendo stick in hand... and the Rock knocks him off the apron!"
"That was just a coincidence."
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as Steve Blackman appears
"Rock Bottom to Blackman; Kurt Angle's still undefeated; the Rock was disqualified!"
"And Stephanie still thinks he's cute, I bet!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"I don't think the Rock's too pleased with Angle celebrating at his expense..."
-- Michael Cole as the Rock spies Angle's victory celebration on the OvalTron and starts heading back to the ring, much to the massive delight of the crowd
"Jerry = Ratings"
-- sign in the crowd
"You can see the bandaged fingers of Matt Hardy, injured during the cage match Monday night between Jeff and Al Snow; Matt had his fingers lodged in the cage when Al hit him with a chair."
"You mean with Terri running around here dressed like that, you can see somebody's fingers? Oh, baby!" (sees Terri waving at someone) "Yeah, hello!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as Terri, Matt Hardy, and Jeff Hardy come out to join Edge and Christian in the ring
"And Al Snow, who is just completely nuts, comes into the ring!"
-- Michael Cole
"Al Snow's got his eyes set on Terri, King... and Jeff Hardy-- oh my! Leaping over the top rope!"
-- Michael Cole as Jeff Hardy prevents Al Snow from grabbing Terri by doing what looks to be a senton bomb, launched from over the top rope
(Back at Universal Studios, the fake Mankind is arguing with a park worker)
MANKIND: "You don't understand! I'm Mankind, former WWF wrestler! I wanna go on the roller coaster!"
EMPLOYEE: "Can't change the rules for anybody. You're going to have to exit the park, please."
MANKIND: "Well, would..." (digs out a coin and offers it to the park employee) "Would this change your mind?"
(Staring at Mankind, the park worker whips out his radio)
EMPLOYEE (into radio): "Control, we've got a security problem. We've had a large, masked guest offer me a bribe--"
MANKIND (panicking): "Hey, is that Woody Woodpecker?"
EMPLOYEE: "Where? Where?"
(Mankind hotfoots it. The park worker turns back around to find Mankind gone)
EMPLOYEE: "Control, he's loose in the park... large, masked guest with a coin..."
"Look at these two big bullies going at it in the ring!"
-- Michael Cole as Al and Boss Man get nose-to-nose after Al accidentally costs Boss Man the match
"I've got time for one more ride! I know what it is-- Back to the Future: the ride! That'll do it! I'll set the hands of time back to December 28, 1998, when I won my first World Wrestling Federation heavyweight title! That-- no, better yet! I'll set the clock back to March 13, 1982, the last time my wife found me attractive and let me have sex with her!"
-- the fake Mankind, still wandering Universal Studios
"Take a look at that, Michael! Usually Mankind is on America's Most UNwanted list, but not tonight!"
-- Lawler as cameras show the cops outside the arena again
"The Posse putting on a clinic here against Funaki! Doing a nice job isolating him from his partner, Taka Michinoku!"
"Well, what'd you expect? Did you expect something less than that from the Posse? These guys have not let failure go to their head!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
(Backstage, the majority of the WWF roster has been assembled in a large room. They are chatting amicably amongst themselves. Stephanie stands at the front of the room; near her, a tuxedoed Howard Finkel is sitting next to the door)
STEPHANIE: "Can I have your attention, please? Can I have your attention?"
(She is ignored. Stephanie grabs an empty chair from the front row and crashes it down against a section of wooden floor near her)
STEPHANIE: "DAMN it! I said, can I have your attention, please?"
(the room lapses into silence as the crowd, watching on the OvalTron, mutters)
STEPHANIE: "Thank you very much. This concerns each and every one of you, because tonight, one of you will have the chance to face the World Wrestling Federation champion, my husband, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Never before in the history of the World Wrestling Federation has there been a champion with such honor and dignity, to defend his title in a random drawing against one of you."
(cameras briefly take a look at the wrestlers, who are listening dutifully)
STEPHANIE: "All of your names have been entered, and only one will be chosen. But Triple H will defend against all comers. He is a champion with... with spirit! He is a champion with pride, and I'm honored to be his wife. I am honored to introduce, not only MY champion, but YOUR champion, Triple H, Hunter Hearst Helmsley!"
(The applause is unenthusiastic as Triple H enters through the side door, smiling. Stephanie claps brightly at the front of the room; Finkel and Crash Holly join in faintly, and some D-X props can be heard, but that's about it. Crowd heat)
TRIPLE H: "All right. I'm sure all of you are... you know... proud to have me as your World Wrestling Federation champion, and I'm proud to BE your World Wrestling Federation champion. I look at this as an opportunity to be a leader, to be a leader for all of you, and to be a role model for all of you, because... it could be any one of you in this room that, when I retire, could take my place and become the World Wrestling Federation champion. Become the leader for everybody here in the World Wrestling Federation."
(cameras briefly focus on Test)
TRIPLE H: "I want that person-- like I said, it could be any of you-- to take notice to what we're about to do."
(cameras briefly show Prince Albert)
TRIPLE H: "Never before in the history of the World Wrestling Federation has a champion gone to the lengths..."
(cameras briefly show Edge; listen to the females in the crowd screaming)
TRIPLE H: "...to defend his title, as to have a random drawing, where anybody-- anybody-- here can have a chance to be champion."
(cameras briefly show Crash Holly; he might get a smidge of a pop)
TRIPLE H: "So without further ado... Steph? Let's see who it is."
(Steph goes to select a plastic ball from the tumbler)
LAWLER: "This is it, Michael! We're gonna find out who gets the shot at Triple H!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Who will face Triple H for the title tonight?"
LAWLER: "Those guys back there are nervous!"
(Stephanie selects a ball as the others wrestlers begin to mutter, no doubt suspecting a fix)
MICHAEL COLE: "What an opportunity, King!"
TRIPLE H (looking at the room): "Keep it down!"
LAWLER: "We know it won't be Mankind; he's fired!"
(Stephanie gives the piece of paper inside the ball to Triple H. The wrestlers continue to mutter, calling for the Helmsleys to hurry)
TRIPLE H (unfolding the paper and speaking to the room): "Hold on."
STEPHANIE (addressing the room): "You're about to find out!"
(Triple H reads the slip of paper, sighs, and steps forward to address the room)
TRIPLE H: "All right... look, this is for real, all right?" (turns the paper so the room can see) "Andre the Giant?"
(the wrestlers all groan and complain loudly)
LAWLER: "Andre the Giant?!"
TRIPLE H: "I don't know who did this, but this is the real deal, all right? If Andre the Giant WERE here I'd kick his ass, but he's not, so pick another one."
(Steph turns back to the tumbler)
LAWLER: "Somebody must be making a joke, Michael!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Yeah, somebody's playing ha-ha."
TRIPLE H (turning to Steph): "There's always got to be a ribber in the group..."
(Stephanie selects another and drops it upon opening it. Triple H retrieves the paper and begins unfolding it)
MICHAEL COLE: "Who's it gonna be?"
TRIPLE H (smiling as he opens the paper): "This is the big winner here..." (reads the name, pauses, and sighs) "All right here, uh... with all due respect to you, Moolah..."
(cameras zoom in on Moolah as the wrestlers REALLY start to bitch and moan)
LAWLER: "Moolah?! What a match!"
TRIPLE H: "...this is the real deal. And, I mean... I'm sure if you got in the ring with me, it would be one for the ages, let's say, but I'm looking for a little bit more serious a challenger here--"
LAWLER: "You can say THAT again."
TRIPLE H: "--and uh..." (checks out the room) "...I can tell a little bit by the grumbling that people aren't BUYING this, so I'll tell ya what-- I'll have somebody that doesn't have anything to do with this, draw this. Howard."
HOWARD (excited): "Me?"
TRIPLE H: "Yes. Howard, you draw the name!"
STEPHANIE: "Oh, Howard's perfect!"
(Howard rushes up and crashes into the tumbler. Plastic balls spill all over the floor)
LAWLER: "Oh, look at THIS idiot!"
(cameras check out the wrestlers again; reactions range from Test with a hand over his eyes to Crash Holly barely suppressing the chuckles)
MICHAEL COLE (exasperated): "Howard Finkel..."
STEPHANIE: "HOW-ard..."
TRIPLE H (tossing the half-empty tumbler aside): "Damn it, Howard, your balls fell out all over the place!"
LAWLER: "Ha!"
(Howard, crouching beside the mess, looks up for guidance)
TRIPLE H: "Well, pick one! Just pick one right here!"
HOWARD (grabbing one and starting to open it): "Sorry..."
UNIDENTIFIED WRESTLER: "You're picking it up off the floor?"
HOWARD: "Sorry..."
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE WRESTLER: "Who is it, Howard?"
UNIDENTIFIED WRESTLER: "What a buffoon..."
(Howard is continuing to struggle to get the paper open)
UNIDENTIFIED WRESTLER: "C'mon, Howard!"
UNIDENTIFIED WRESTLER: "Any day now, Howard..."
(Howard drops the paper again to a load of catcalls. As a side-note, a lot of these "unidentified wrestlers" sound like members of D-X...)
MICHAEL COLE: "He's nervous!"
(Howard retrieves the paper, reads it, and then lifts it in triumph)
HOWARD: "It's Rikishi! Rikishi!"
(the wrestlers erupt in applause and exclamations of delight. Too Cool, seated on either side of Rikishi, leap up and begin to bust a move right then and there. Behind Howard, both Triple H and Stephanie are wide-eyed)
LAWLER: "Wait a minute..."
(Triple H grabs the paper and reads it for himself. He and Stephanie glare threateningly at Howard)
WRESTLERS: "Rikishi! Rikishi! Rikishi!"
(Triple H throws the paper down and storms out. Stephanie mirrors him)
MICHAEL COLE: "King, I don't think Triple H was expecting this!"
LAWLER: "That idiot Howard-- he picked the wrong one!"
(Rikishi stands majestically as the rest of the wrestlers cheer him on)
"I feel sick to my big, giant, huge belly!"
-- the fake Mankind, staggering out of the Back to the Future ride
"Hey King! King, is that the REAL Mankind?!"
-- Michael Cole as Mick Foley, also in Mankind garb, suddenly comes face to face with the fake Mankind; the crowd pops
"Have a nice day... you son of a bitch!
-- the real Mankind, after kicking the fake Mankind's ass
"He was vicious! Perhaps Triple H and Stephanie may have finally sent Mick Foley over the edge."
-- Michael Cole (foreshadowing Cactus Jack?)
"How can even say that the lottery was suspect when this man wins the blind drawing? Do you think for one minute that Triple H is relishing the fact that he has to get into the ring with RIKISHI?"
"No."
"Right!"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole
"Bring him RIGHT HERE!"
"Whoa!"
"Rikishi... the announce table buckling--"
"You're not kidding!"
"--as Rikishi's weight-- down into it again by the champion!"
-- Stephanie, Michael Cole, and Lawler as Triple H puts Rikishi into the announce table
"Stephanie, you said earlier that that drawing was on the up-and-up and that it wasn't rigged; maybe you guys SHOULD have rigged it after the beating that Triple H's been taking at the hands of Rikishi!"
"We don't rig things--"
"Are you trying to suggest--"
"I'm not suggesting anything!"
"I apologize, Stephanie, for his ignorant behavior out here tonight!"
-- Michael Cole, Stephanie, and Lawler
"Look at this, Stephanie! D-X is back there smiling!"
"Well, after what they've been through tonight, I guess you can't blame them."
"Yeah, they're just happy to be alive right now..."
-- Lawler and Michael Cole as cameras show D-X relaxing backstage and enjoying the sight of Rikishi beating up Triple H
"Oh my God..."
"It sure looks like it, Stephanie..."
"He IS gonna do it!"
"Rikishi gonna climb the ropes--"
"Nonono... no..."
"Triple H is about to be--"
"NO!"
-- Stephanie, Michael Cole, and Lawler as Rikishi performs a buttdrop on Triple H and the crowd goes NUTS
"How in the world, King, did Triple H kick out from that?"
"Because he's the GAME, Michael Cole!"
-- Michael Cole and Steph (channeling the spirit of Lawler)
"He can't-- he can't do that! He can't get his shoulder up!"
-- Lawler, as Rikishi kicks out of a pinfall attempt even after taking a chairshot to the head
"Rikishi! Rikishi! Rikishi!"
-- chant from the crowd
"That's a blatant disqualification, just to save his championship! Just to save the title! Rikishi wouldn't stay down; Triple H didn't finish him! A blatant disqualification!"
-- Michael Cole as Triple H wipes Rikishi out with the belt
"Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
-- chant from the crowd, to Triple H
"The guy's like a pimple on prom night! He keeps popping up!"
-- Lawler as Rikishi goes after Triple H even after taking two more chairshots
"I wasn't helping, were you?"
"I was sitting right here; you see me!"
-- Road Dogg and Billy Gunn as they, along with X-Pac, recline backstage
"Did you hear what D-X was saying? They were going to sit right there; they weren't coming; they were NOT going to help Triple H!"
"Can you blame them?"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole
"Rikishi, I'll hand it to him... he looked pretty cool tonight!"
-- Lawler as the whole damn arena starts clapping along with Too Cool as they race out for a dance
"Check it out! Getting jiggy with it!"
-- Michael Cole as the groovin' begins
"SON OF A--"
-- Triple H, watching angrily from the stage as Rikishi shakes his ass at the champ
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