Quotes: SmackDown!
January 13, 2000
Taped 1/11/00 from Allstate Arena , Chicago, Illinois - sold out
In-ring interview: Triple H and Stephanie. They bring out Fake Mankind to have some fun, but the real Mankind enters and transforms into Cactus Jack, causing Triple H to run for his life. Handicap match, no DQ: New Age Outlaws (C) vs. Bradshaw. Jonathan Coachman interviews the Rock. Too Cool/Rikishi Phatu vs. the Hollies (w/ scale)/Al Snow (w/ Head); dancing follows. Cactus Jack vignettes. Test vs. Gangrel (w/ Luna). The Hardy Boyz (w/ Terri) vs. the Big Boss Man (C)/Prince Albert; Boss Man and Albert fight. Big Show interview. Chyna uses Tori to set up Jericho. Kurt Angle/Steve Blackman vs. Edge/Christian. Handicap match, no DQ: New Age Outlaws (C) vs. Faarooq; Bradshaw runs in after the bell. The Godfather/D'Lo Brown (w/ hos) vs. the Headbangers. Tazz promo (w/ "13" and more talking) during the entrance of the Headbangers. The Rock/Big Show interview backstage. Non-title match: Chris Jericho (C) vs. Kane (w/ Tori); Chyna and Miss Kitty observe and steal the IC title belt. Backstage, X-Pac talks to the Helmsleys. The Big Show/the Rock vs. Triple H (C)/X-Pac; Big Show attacks the Rock.
"Triple H has indeed started a war with Mick Foley, but he has problems in his own camp as well! We are just ten days away from the Royal Rumble, and tonight, we come to you from Chicago's Allstate Arena, which has been sold out for weeks! I'm Michael Cole, along with Jerry "the King" Lawler at ringside! Welcome to SmackDown!"
-- Michael Cole, kicking us off
"(H)ot (H)ot (H)ot"
-- sign in the crowd
"(H)eartless (H)alf-assed (H)omo"
-- sign in the crowd
(Triple H's theme begins. Michael Cole and Lawler are uncharacteristically silent. The Helmsleys appear, hand in hand, on the stage.)
MICHAEL COLE: "He is the World Wrestling Federation champion, Triple H, along with his wife, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, and King, one can only wonder what the past few days have been like for this couple. We know Triple H has been gloating all week long after his victory over a reinstated Mankind in a big eight-man tag match this past week on Raw. But King, Triple H has a major reconstruction project where D-Generation X is concerned!"
(As they speak, the Helmsleys head down to the ring)
LAWLER: "Well, first of all, let me get one thing straight. He is not just the WWF champion! He is the GAME, Michael Cole, and don't ever doubt him for one minute! Sure, life's been hectic! It's been a little rough the past couple of days for Triple H and Stephanie McMahon... well, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley... I think by now, he's probably got everything worked out. We'll probably see a healing process, and then he'll bring some closure to this situation!"
MICHAEL COLE: "That situation with D-Generation X a major reconstruction project... as far as D-X is concerned, but we learned on Monday night that in ten days at the Royal Rumble, Triple H will defend the World Wrestling Federation championship, King, against the newly-reinstated Mankind."
LAWLER: "Well, don't worry. All great leaders face challenges. And believe me, Triple H is the greatest leader this company ever had! He'll come out all right! He's the Game!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Well, he will be able to prove in ten days at the Rumble whether or not he is the Game. Triple H..."
LAWLER: "You doubt it?"
MICHAEL COLE: "Mankind..."
LAWLER: "You DOUBT it?!"
MICHAEL COLE (doing an effective job of ignoring his announce partner): "...one-on-one."
(Triple H and Stephanie check out the crowd, which is hooting and hollering all sorts of obscenities)
CROWD: "Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
LAWLER (observing): "Y'know, this is no way to show respect to the first couple of the World Wrestling Federation."
MICHAEL COLE: "Capacity crowd at the Allstate Arena here in Chicago on its feet."
STEPHANIE: "First of all..."
(She is interrupted by an air horn and lots of heat. Annoyed, she lowers the microphone and waits for the crowd to settle down)
LAWLER: "C'mon, show some respect!"
STEPHANIE: "We'd like to clear up a misunderstanding."
(Stephanie pauses again to receive heat; probably waiting for the "slut" chant)
LAWLER: "See, I knew it was just a misunderstanding." (turns to the crowd) "Will you people shut UP?!"
MICHAEL COLE (referring to Lawler's "misunderstanding" comment): "That's a huge understatement, King."
(The "slut" chant finally starts up, and Triple H gets pissed and starts yelling at the crowd)
LAWLER: "Uh-oh..."
STEPHANIE: "As it pertains to Monday night on RAW, no World Wrestling Federation superstars are leaving this company."
LAWLER: "Didja hear that?"
STEPHANIE: "Triple H and I have righted the wrong. And, a always, we've dealt with things in a very fair manner."
LAWLER (approvingly): "Even-handed."
STEPHANIE: "Now, we're a little bit confused, because we don't understand why any one of you would ever threaten to leave! I mean, you can always come talk to us!"
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
LAWLER: "Have an open door!"
STEPHANIE: "Our doors are always open! We're fair!"
(The cameras catch a sign reading "The McMahon-Helmsley Error" as heat continues)
MICHAEL COLE: "Fair?"
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
LAWLER: "They're superstar-friendly!"
STEPHANIE: "But there is one thing to remember. There is only ONE McMahon running this company right now..."
(big heat)
LAWLER: "Here we go..."
STEPHANIE (prissy): "...and that's me! Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley..."
(big heat continues)
STEPHANIE: "...and I just happen to be married to the World Wrestling Federation champion, the Game, Triple H!"
(big heat)
LAWLER: "Stand up, Michael!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Stephanie loves the power, doesn't she, King? She's relishing the spotlight!"
LAWLER: "Rightfully so!"
(Triple H takes the stick)
TRIPLE H: "Now, after Monday..."
(Triple H is forced to pause for major heat)
CROWD: "Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
MICHAEL COLE: "This crowd has been relentless on the champion!"
LAWLER: "They don't have much to cheer for here in Chicago. The Bulls, the White Sox, Bears... ha!"
TRIPLE H: "After Monday, I can't help but feel the need to come out here and apologize."
(Stephanie nods)
TRIPLE H: "To humbly stand before people and just say, 'Hey, I apologize.'" (realizes what he's saying at glares at the crowd) "Not to any of you!"
(catches heat)
TRIPLE H: "And certainly, not to any of the fifty ingrates that surrounded this ring, threatening to walk!"
LAWLER: "That was extortion!"
TRIPLE H: "Because those fifty people do not understand the sacrifice that the two of us--" (indicates himself and Stephanie) "--put out each and every week for them!" (heat) "We are their leaders, for them, and I am their, and I am your, World Wrestling Federation champion, for you!"
(big heat as Stephanie applauds)
MICHAEL COLE: "He calls screwing with people's lives and careers a sacrifice?"
TRIPLE H: "So I make no apologies to you, but I do make apologies to D-X."
(more heat)
LAWLER: "That's big-hearted!"
TRIPLE H: "I was wrong. We all made mistakes, and I tried to fix those mistakes with tough love. I did to you as I would have you do to me; I showed you tough love, and you showed me tough love back. Dogg, Billy, X-Pac... Monday night, when you walked out on me, you showed me tough love, and you made me realize the error of my ways. So now I'm here to apologize to you, and not only apologize but to right the wrong! Tonight I will show you just how sorry I am!"
LAWLER: "He's getting emotional!"
TRIPLE H: "And I will start with the Outlaws! Dogg, Billy... tonight, I will make a match-- this is kinda good and bad, but bear with me for a second-- because tonight, in this very ring, the two of you will face..."
(catches heat during his pregnant pause)
TRIPLE H (chuckling): "...in a handicap match, Bradshaw of the Acolytes!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Hey!"
TRIPLE H: "No disqualification, and if Faarooq interferes in the match, the Acolytes lose their shot at the tag titles at the Rumble!"
LAWLER: "Well, that's fair! You can't argue with that."
TRIPLE H: "Now for the bad... I *do* feel sorry about this, but... you're going to have to work twice tonight."
LAWLER: "What?"
TRIPLE H: "You're going to have to get in this ring twice, because when you finish that match, you'll have to come back out here and face, in handicap match, Faarooq of the Acolytes, in a no DQ match, and if Bradshaw interferes, the Acolytes will lose their shot at the tag team titles at the Rumble!"
(crowd heat)
LAWLER: "Wow! Two handicap matches in one night for the Outlaws!"
TRIPLE H: "Now X-Pac, you and I have been the tightest. Kid, you're like a brother to me... so you and I are gonna get in this ring tonight together."
LAWLER: "What?"
TRIPLE H: "We're gonna stand side by side, and we are gonna take on the Big Show..."
(some pop)
MICHAEL COLE: "Whoa..."
TRIPLE H: "...and the Rock!"
(big pop)
MICHAEL COLE: "Wow! Here tonight, Triple H, X-Pac, against Big Show and the Rock!"
LAWLER: "Is that a good idea? What-- I don't--"
(Faint "Rock-y" chant from the crowd)
TRIPLE H: "Now... as for Mick Foley... as for Mankind..."
(big pop)
TRIPLE H: "If Monday, you thought you had me backed against a wall-- sorry, but you were wrong. Monday, Mick Foley, I beat you in the center of this ring, one, two, three, and I left you laying in a puddle of your own blood!"
(big heat)
LAWLER: "He did! That's why he's the Game!"
TRIPLE H: "Now Mick Foley, at the Rumble in New York City, what you experience Monday is just gonna be a small taste of what you will receive at the Rumble. Mick Foley, your blood will stain New York City, I promise you that! And I will beat you worse than you have ever been beaten in your entire life!"
(big heat as Stephanie looks on in approval)
LAWLER: "Wow. That's a.. that's quite a beating."
TRIPLE H: "But, Mick, I know you're in the back... I know you're here. After all, we so ever-graciously reinstated you. So Mick, I'll tell you what. I've got nowhere to go, I've got nowhere special to be. So if you got the guts, we don't have to wait until the Rumble!"
(pop starts to build)
TRIPLE H: "Why don't you bring it down here RIGHT NOW..."
(big pop)
TRIPLE H: "...and I will finish what I started Monday!"
MICHAEL COLE: "King, Triple H is challenging Mankind to a match right here tonight on SmackDown!"
(the crowd cheers and looks towards the stage, but nothing is happening)
TRIPLE H: "C'mon, show some of that "testicular fortitude" you always talk about, and make the walk! Get in the ring with the Game, and let's get it done!"
(Mankind's theme begins to a nice pop)
LAWLER: "There it is..."
MICHAEL COLE: "And here we go now!"
LAWLER: "All right!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Triple H, Mankind, right here tonight on SmackDown! And this is gonna be a war, King!"
(Mankind is out now, one fist raised to the crowd)
LAWLER: "Look at this!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Triple H is ready..."
(the cameras zoom in on Mankind, revealing that it is actually Fake Mankind)
MICHAEL COLE (suspiciously): "Wait a minute..."
LAWLER: "There's that poor, pathetic Mankind."
MICHAEL COLE: "King."
LAWLER: "What?"
MICHAEL COLE: "I smell a rat!"
LAWLER: "What are you talking about? That's your upper lip!"
(the crowd is in on the joke now, and the pop has died as Triple H and Stephanie exchange a knowing smirk)
MICHAEL COLE: "That's not Mick Foley!"
LAWLER: "What a cynic you are! That's Mankind!"
MICHAEL COLE: "That is NOT Mankind!"
LAWLER: "What do you mean?"
MICHAEL COLE: "We've seen this--"
LAWLER: "You've seen that nasty shirt before, that tattered tie, that... that nappy hair, and that stupid mask! That's Mankind!"
MICHAEL COLE (affronted): "King, you've been following his career for fifteen years!"
(Fake Mankind reaches forward and snatches the mic from Triple H)
LAWLER (observing the above): "Oh, look out, watch it! Be careful, Game! He's dangerous!"
FAKE MANKIND: "First things first!"
LAWLER: "I'd know that voice anywhere!"
(Fake Mankind falls to his knees before a triumphant, laughing Triple H)
MICHAEL COLE: "Oh, come on now..."
FAKE MANKIND (tearing up): "I'd just like to say that I'm sorry you had to kick my butt last Monday on RAW..."
(crowd heat)
LAWLER: "That's Mankind, all right!"
FAKE MANKIND: "And I'm sorry... you're probably the greatest wrestler that I've ever seen, watched, or thought about my entire life..."
MICHAEL COLE: "This is disgraceful!"
FAKE MANKIND: "...and I'd just like to apologize, Triple H, because every time I see you it just makes me feel more pathetic!"
MICHAEL COLE (to Lawler): "Are you convinced now?"
TRIPLE H (bending down to address Fake Mankind): "You're the most pathetic person I have ever met in my life!"
LAWLER: "Sure it's him!"
FAKE MANKIND: "You know something? I've been pathetic for my whole life, especially over the last couple weeks, but to tell ya what, I'm kinda getting to like it!"
(I wonder if that above line was actually Mideon himself talking?)
(Mankind's theme begins suddenly to a major pop. Fake Mankind starts and jumps up, turning to face the stage along with the Helmsleys)
MICHAEL COLE: "Wait a minute... King, look out!"
LAWLER: "What is this?"
(the real Mankind comes out onto the stage)
MICHAEL COLE: "I'll tell ya, THAT is Mick Foley! That's the real Mankind!"
LAWLER: "Nobody asked HIM to come out here!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Triple H did, just a few moments ago!"
(Mankind's music ends as he glares at the trio in the ring. He is still wearing his bloody shirt from Monday)
MANKIND: "Triple H... that is ENOUGH!"
CROWD: "Fo-ley! Fo-ley! Fo-ley!"
(hearing this chant, the Fake Mankind jumps and stares around at the arena)
MICHAEL COLE: "We saw a vicious side of Mick Foley Monday night after being driven through the table by Triple H."
MANKIND: "Is this what you get off on? Making fun of me? How much more do you want from me? First, you take away my job! Then you bring this idiot out there--" (indicates Fake Mankind) "--and you take away my dignity! Then, Monday night, in what should have been the greatest night of my life, when I was reinstated on RAW is WAR, you take me and you ruin my shirt..."
LAWLER: "What?"
MANKIND: "...and you ruin my face; and I'll be honest, when I stepped into that shower I let the cold water run down on my head, and I looked down at the blood as it swirled around that shower drain..."
LAWLER: "Uck!"
(Transcriber's note: I was actually waiting for, "Who's he kidding? Everybody knows Mankind hasn't taken a bath in twenty years!")
MANKIND: "...I started thinking a little bit about what Mankind was. Mankind is an entertaining son-of-a-gun... Mankind is a pretty damn good author... Mankind is one tough SOB..." (big pop) "...and Mankind is one hell of a fighter! So it saddens me to say that, after the beating you gave me on Monday night, one thing Mankind is not is ready to face you in a street fight at the Royal Rumble in Madison Square Garden."
(Triple H begins to smile as the crowd boos this decision)
LAWLER (confused): "He's NOT?"
MANKIND: "Because you are, without a doubt, the Game! You are the best in the business right now..." (crowd heat) "...and, as you said, while Mankind in some ways is nothing more than a beaten-up pathetic fool..." (big heat) "...but I think the WWF fans deserve a substitute match."
MICHAEL COLE: "Substitute?"
LAWLER: "He's chickening out?"
MANKIND: "What I'm going to do, Triple H, is I'm going to name him right now... as a matter of fact, I think you know the guy..."
(Mankind pulls off his mask to a HUGE-ass pop and Lawler screams)
MICHAEL COLE: "Uh-oh..."
(Mankind rips off his shirt and tie to reveal Cactus Jack attire)
LAWLER: "Oh no... no no no; NO!"
(the pop grows as cameras catch Triple H standing slack-jawed in the ring)
CACTUS JACK: "...and I think you know him pretty damn well! His name is Cactus Jack!"
(Cactus Jack has been steadily making his way towards the ring and is at the bottom of the ramp; the crowd is going nuts. Lawler attempts to speak but cannot form a coherent sentence)
CACTUS JACK: "And his first official act as part of the WWF is to kick your teeth all over the city of Chicago!"
(crowd continues going nuts as Cactus Jack storms the ring; Stephanie is already gone and Fake Mankind heads for the hills)
MICHAEL COLE: "Cactus Jack is back! Cactus Jack--"
LAWLER: "He's a dangerous human being!"
(Cactus Jack viciously attacks Triple H)
MICHAEL COLE: "Cactus Jack after Triple H, and here we go! Cactus Jack hammering away on the WWF champion!"
(Cactus Jack slams Triple H's head into a turnbuckle)
LAWLER: "Get outta there, Game!"
(Triple H staggers to another corner, where Cactus Jack lays into him with punches)
MICHAEL COLE: "Mick Foley is more vicious, more dangerous than ever, King!"
(Michael Cole continues ranting over the popping crowd when suddenly, cameras catch Fake Mankind back in the ring with a chair)
LAWLER (spying Fake Mankind): "Look at this!"
MICHAEL COLE: "There's that phony Mankind with a chair..."
LAWLER (yelling encouragement to Fake Mankind): "Get him! GET HIM!"
(Fake Mankind cracks Cactus Jack over the back with the chair. Cactus Jack cringes initially, but then straightens and turns to face Fake Mankind. The crowd pops heartily and Lawler screams again as Cactus Jack attacks Fake Mankind. Cactus Jack quickly tosses Fake Mankind out of the ring. Cameras catch Triple H on the ramp, heading for higher ground, as Cactus Jack hits a baseball slide and puts Fake Mankind over the announce table. Triple H and Stephanie watch, wide-eyed, as Cactus Jack does a flying elbow drop, with a chair, from the apron to land on Fake Mankind. Cactus Jack follows that up with the "bang bang" hand motion.)
MICHAEL COLE (having recovered from the antics around the announce table): "King, do you think Triple H knows what the hell he's gotten himself into for the Royal Rumble?"
(Cactus Jack's theme begins as Cactus Jack rolls back into the ring)
LAWLER: "Oh, no! This is not good; that's his old music, Michael! This guy's psychotic!"
(Cactus Jack motions for the mic)
MICHAEL COLE: "King..."
LAWLER: "He's homicidal!"
MICHAEL COLE: "...the metamorphosis is complete! He's more vicious and dangerous than ever!"
CACTUS JACK: "Triple H... at the Rumble, you're gonna make me bleed?"
(Triple H and Stephanie watch with alarm from the stage as the crowd falls DEAD silent; quieter than I have EVER heard a live arena crowd)
CACTUS JACK: "I've got some news for you. It will not be the first time, and it sure as hell will not be the last, because I've got an awful lot of blood to give!"
(pop)
LAWLER: "That's a scary thought!"
CACTUS JACK: "But as far as you, you look into my eyes and realize I mean every word when I tell you, I'm gonna tear you apart in New York City!"
(big pop as Stephanie turns to face an alarmed Triple H with wide eyes)
CACTUS JACK: "And then, I will take what you hold dearest-- I'm talking about your cherished WWF championship belt! I will take it, and it will be mine, mine, ALL mine! Bang bang!"
(crowd, predictably, goes nuts)
LAWLER: "He's sick! He's deranged!"
MICHAEL COLE: "Does Triple H have any idea what he's getting himself into in ten days at the Royal Rumble? It's now Cactus Jack, Triple H, with the World Wrestling Federation championship on the line! The metamorphosis is complete! Cactus Jack is back!"
LAWLER (as they fade to commercial): "This is BAD!"
"Cactus Jack, the most aggressive superstar the WWF has ever known!"
-- Michael Cole, impressed
"What else is gonna happen on SmackDown here tonight, King?"
-- Michael Cole, approximately half an hour into the show
"This is part of the repair job that Triple H has got to perform here on D-X! They were on the verge of being completely decimated Monday night on RAW, but hopefully-- hopefully, this will help put things back together."
-- Lawler as the Outlaws hit the ring for their handicap match against Bradshaw
"Well, in ten days at the Royal Rumble, the New Age Outlaws will defend the tag team titles against the Acolytes!"
"Wait a minute; don't get ahead of yourself!"
"Why?"
"That could all go out the window right here tonight!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"It's not fair! Road Dogg can't see! He's blinded!"
"Well, no disqualification; this is not, King, for the weak of heart--"
"Oh, look out!"
"And Road Dogg flying over the table!"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole, once again trying (unsuccessfully) to stay out of the way of the wrestlers
"Boy, I tell ya, all this thanks to good ol' Triple H! What a guy! Talk about fairness!"
-- Lawler as the Outlaws get the upper hand on Bradshaw
"Triple H can't fire anybody anymore; he can't go around firing people!"
"He should fire these Acolytes!"
"Well, this is how he's gonna take care of people he doesn't like! Case in point, Faarooq can't come out here to help out his partner, or else the Acolytes are going to have to forfeit that tag team title match against the Outlaws at the Rumble!"
"Well, you don't think that's fair? We don't need outside interference in all these matches!"
"Oh yeah, that's REAL fair!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"Look at the Outlaws doing a number on Bradshaw..."
"Take your time, guys!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
(Backstage, new announce guy Jonathan Coachman is standing by with the Great One. The crowd pops big when they see it)
COACHMAN: "Standing by with the Rock, and Rock, how do you feel about teaming up with the--"
(Rock's hand in Coachman's face stops Coach instantly)
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
ROCK: "Finally, the Rock, HAS COME BACK to Chi-caaaago..."
(crowd sings along and pops)
COACHMAN: "Rock, how do you feel about tonig--"
(Coachman gets another hand in his face, and he stops talking)
ROCK: "Before you ask the Rock any questions, the Rock has got a question of his own. Who..." (pokes Coachman in the chest) "...are you?"
(Coachman hesitates, looks around, and starts to pull the microphone back towards his own lips, but the Rock impatiently lifts his hand)
ROCK: "It's okay... you can answer the Rock."
COACHMAN: "Well, Rock, if it matters, my name is Jonathan Coachman."
ROCK: "Jonathan. Well, that's interesting. Well, Jonathan, welcome to the WWF, and welcome to the Rock's show, SmackDown."
(crowd pops)
COACHMAN: "Well, thank you, Rock, but actually, they call me Coach for short."
(The Rock spins around, scaring Coach a bit)
ROCK (sharply): "They call you what?"
COACHMAN: "They call-- they call me Coach."
ROCK: "Coach? Coach as in the coach of the little girls' softball team? Coach?"
(Coach starts to take the mic back to explain, but Rock, perturbed, gives him a quick hand in the face again)
ROCK: "Ask the Rock your question."
COACHMAN: "Well Rock, how do you feel about teaming up with the Big Show tonight on SmackDown?"
ROCK: "Well, the Rock feels like this. Teaming up with Big Show or teaming up with Big Bird, the Rock's tag team partner just doesn't matter to the Rock, as long as the Rock gets to Triple H! But, seeing as the Big Show is the Rock's partner, what better partner would the Rock want to have? The Big Show-- seven feet. The Big Show-- five hundred pounds. The Big Show-- former WWF champion. So the Rock is cool with that! But the Rock has one more question for you. How is it that, ah, you came up with the name Coach?"
COACHMAN (grinning): "Well, actually, when I was a little kid it was a nickna--"
ROCK: "IT DOESN'T MATTER how you came up with the name Coach!"
(The crowd, just waiting for an excuse, goes nuts. Coachman looks like a puppy that's just been scolded)
CROWD: Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
ROCK (glaring at Coachman and flicking the People's eyebrow): "If you smell what the Rock is cooking!"
"He's just simply in a world of his own! Let's face it... his cheese has slid off his cracker or something; I don't know."
-- Lawler on Al Snow
"All your cool clothes must be in the wash, huh?"
-- Lawler to Michael Cole as Too Cool fights in the ring
"His belly button doesn't have lint; it has sweaters!"
-- Lawler on Rikishi Phatu
"Take your little Head and get out of there, Al; you lost!"
-- Lawler as Al Snow climbs into the ring to attack Hardcore and Crash Holly
"I cannot depend on anybody! Every single time, you let me down! All I want is one partner I can count on! I can't take this anymore!"
-- Al Snow ranting afterwards
"I've got to admit, King, he's got rhythm for a big man."
-- Michael Cole, watching Rikishi bust a move
"Wanted Dead"
-- Cactus Jack's wanted poster
"He is the most aggressive superstar the WWF has ever seen. Cactus Jack carved his name in hardcore legend in Japan, wrestling in rings surrounded with razor-sharp barbed wire. Cactus Jack has total disregard for his body, yet he seems to draw strength from his pain. Cactus Jack is more sadistic, more dangerous than anyone, as Triple H will find out firsthand in ten days at the Royal Rumble. Cactus Jack, Triple H, in a street fight for the title. It may be the wildest match Madison Square Garden has ever seen."
-- Michael Cole, narrating a vignette about Cactus Jack
"What are you TALKING about?"
"...I don't know!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"Watch your nose there, Test..."
-- Lawler as Test is thrown out of the ring
"He's already had more nose jobs than Linda Tripp!"
-- Lawler on Test
"He really thinks the world of the Big Boss Man! He said he'd give him the hair off his back if he had to!"
-- Lawler on Prince Albert
"I think Boss Man was actually bringing her over here as a gift!"
"To who, you?"
"Looked like it!"
"She's not Boss Man's to give, King. Terri's with the Hardy Boyz!"
"Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
-- Lawler and Michael Cole as the Big Boss Man briefly kidnaps Terri
"I got to be quite honest with you-- I'm excited about tonight, because I've got my chance to get my hands on Triple H! You know, I'm the only former WWF champion that's never gotten a rematch? I've also got my chance to get my hands on X-Pac, who's running around telling everybody how he beat the Big Show, yet he forgets to tell everybody that also, D-X was involved, and it took a chair. So I've got scores to settle with those two. But let's talk about my partner for tonight, the Rock. You know, last Monday on RAW, when all of us were standing around the ring, supporting Rock 'cause he's our spokesperson... he's talking about himself and how he's going to win the Royal Rumble, and he calls everybody a bunch of jabronis. Well, I took that personally. I'm not a jabroni. And as far as Rock winning the Royal Rumble, I think he's putting the wagon before the horse! Because I'm seven foot two, five hundred pounds! There is no way Rocky is gonna throw ME over the top rope. It's gonna be the other way around; I'm gonna grab Rocky and I'm gonna throw him into the seventh row! But hey, let's talk about tonight. Tonight, I'm a professional. So tonight, I'm the Rock's partner. And that's what I'm gonna do! I'm going to be the Rock's partner. But no mistake about it, Lilian. I don't LIKE the Rock."
-- the Big Show, backstage interview
"Uh-oh... I don't like this; where are these guys? Watch your back; they can come from anywhere!"
-- Lawler as Edge and Christian's theme begins
"EEEEEeeddddggggeee!"
-- a bunch of girls in the front row during the Angle/Blackman vs. Edge/Christian match
"And Angle... I think he just hit his head on the back of *Christian's* head!"
"THAT's not good."
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as Angle has a bit of a miscue
"Heeellllooo, Blackman! You weren't planning on using weapons like this on my future brother-in-law, now, were you?"
-- Val Venis, holding a kendo stick, as he appeared on the OvalTron during Blackman's match
"God damn it!"
-- Blackman after Val's distraction cost him a win
"I wanted to talk to you in private about this... I haven't even told Miss Kitty about this because it's sort of embarrassing. I mean, Chris Jericho is really crossing the line this time!"
"Is he okay? I mean, are YOU okay?"
"He's okay, Tori. He's a young, feral man, might I add. To tell you the truth, I can't stand being around him most of the time, but now all he talks about is Tori, Tori, Tori!"
"Chris-- Chris Jericho."
"Yeah! This stupid fantasy he has about you in a-- get this-- a flight attendant's uniform!"
"Oh!"
"The really short kind, with no underwear--"
"Oh, God!"
"--I mean, how stupid is that? And Tori, listen-- he is disgusting! All he talks about is how he could add some new positions to the Kama Sutra!"
-- Chyna freaking Tori out backstage
"That's right, Chicago! You get the pleasure, ONE MORE TIME!"
-- Road Dogg as he and Mr. Ass head out for their second match of the evening
"King, listen to this! We understand that Kane has demanded and has been granted a match with Chris Jericho, here tonight on SmackDown!"
"Oh, and how do you think THAT came about? You don't think Tori just happened to run at the speed of light back to Kane's locker room, do you?"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"Have you guys seen X-Pac?"
"We haven't been able to find him anywhere!"
"Well, if you noticed, we've been kinda busy."
-- Triple H and Stephanie backstage, talking to Mr. Ass, who is fresh from his match with Faarooq
"I don't really have a good feeling about the fact that X-Pac is nowhere to be found right now."
-- Lawler
"The mood is about to change! Survive... who can stop the path of rage?"
-- Tazz during the orange-and-black promo (as far as the last part, I *think* that's what he said but it was difficult to understand)
"What'd that say?"
"It said something about, the mood is about to change!"
"You should know that! Just check your mood ring."
-- Lawler and Michael Cole, after another Tazz promo
"What is going on with you guys, man? One week you're dressed like women, you got skirts on; man, I gotta know, man! What's going on in your minds, man? Are you guys all there?"
"I can answer that for them. No."
-- the Godfather and Lawler, addressing the Headbangers
"Can you handle this by yourself, Michael?"
-- Lawler eying the hos
"Tori just has not been the same Tori that we knew and... some of us loved, since the holidays!"
-- Lawler as Kane and Tori head down to the ring
"King, this is the building Y2J made his debut in this past summer!"
"I know it; I remember it! I'll never forget it!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as Jericho comes out for his match against Kane
"Kane, first of all, I have no problems wrestling you, but I realize that Tori is your girlfriend and you believe everything she says, but in this case, she's a liar!"
"What?!"
"I mean-- well, I don't mean she's a LIAR; what I mean is, this is all Chyna's doing! I saw what she was pulling on the monitor; she's trying to cause trouble between us! I don't want that. Believe me, from the bottom on my heart when I tell you, there is nothing even REMOTELY attractive about Tori to me."
"Wha--"
"Nononono, I don't mean that; I don't mean that..."
"He's making it worse!"
"I mean, you'd have to be half-retarded to think about her that way--"
"WHAT?!"
"NOT that you're retarded or I'm-- nobody's retarded, but she's just not my type! I like prettier girls-- I mean-- no--"
"Oh my God..."
"--I mean, she's not THAT ugly--"
"Stop; please, stop!"
"What I'm trying to say is, I like girls with a little more intelligence-- I mean, no-- not that she's stupid-- I-- Kane, she's no good for you anyway; she's nothing but a lunatic psychopath!"
-- Chris Jericho, not making things any easier on himself; comments from Lawler have also been inserted
"Boy, Rock and the Big Show both totally determined to win the Royal Rumble-- they're forgetting about a guy like Kane, aren't they?"
-- Lawler as Kane continues going after Jericho
"Hey, what's the Kat doing? Heeeere, Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty... Hey, she's grabbing the Intercontinental title belt!"
"The Kat just cat-napped the Intercontinental title belt!"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole as the Kitty Kat helps herself to Chyna's belt
(Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie are sitting in their office, talking to the elusive X-Pac)
TRIPLE H: "Hey... I'm sorry. I can only say it so many times, all right? We're sorry for this whole thing."
STEPHANIE: "I'm sorry too."
(X-Pac lets loose with a bitter, sarcastic laugh)
X-PAC: "I don't even want to HEAR that!"
STEPHANIE: "I AM sorry!"
(X-Pac ignores her and turns to his friend)
X-PAC: "You know, Hunter... you and I, I can go with that. But..." (indicates Stephanie) "...not her, man."
TRIPLE H (motioning at both himself and his wife): "You've got to have faith in the deal, all right? Hey, it just worked out for the Outlaws; we're making good on this whole thing."
X-PAC: "Yeah, the Outlaws are doing great, two on one. What about me? Same stuff as before. Big Show, Rock... go out there, X-Pac get the crap kicked out of him..."
TRIPLE H (flatly): "No."
STEPHANIE (to X-Pac): "But you're together!"
TRIPLE H (intense): "We're together. You've GOT to trust me on this."
STEPHANIE: "Trust us."
(X-Pac hesitates, and Triple H appears to make a decision)
TRIPLE H: "Trust ME, all right? Just trust ME. You know you can do that."
(Quietly, X-Pac nods in agreement)
"Now, let me make a guess there, Butterball, who's going to walk through there next! I've got a feeling I know, because the way I see it, there's no way that the Rock is gonna walk out here next, because with an ego as big as his, he's gotta come down last!"
-- Triple H to ring announcer Tony Chimmel
"Wait a minute! The Big Show just dissed the Rock!"
-- Michael Cole as the Big Show walks out on the Rock
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