Quotes: SmackDown! September 2, 1999
"Get ready for an electric night! Fasten your seatbelts for the hottest action-adventure series on TV!"
-- Michael Cole reading from the cue cards
"Tonight, Triple H, you will be putting the WWF title on the line in that very ring, against a man who is no stranger to WWF gold. We're going to prove to the world, Triple H, that you are the game! Tonight, Triple H, you're going to take on that bald-headed S.O.B."
(Triple H chokes on his water)
"And that's the bottom line, because Shane McMahon said so!"
-- Shane McMahon
"Chris Jericho showboating in the ring..."
"He's not showboating; he's impressive!"
-- Cole and Jerry "the King" Lawler
"How's it taste?"
"It's not bad. Did you cook it yourself?"
"A restaurant I know down in Boston cooked it. Will you do me a favor? Try not to get one of them paws stuck in your teeth. That's right, Al! One hundred percent, grade-A Pepper!"
-- The Big Bossman revealing that the meal he is feeding Al Snow is actually the cooked remains of Snow's dog Pepper
"Who's the winner? Who's the number one contender?"
"If you'd shut up, maybe Shane will tell us!"
-- Cole and Lawler on the Mankind/the Rock match
"Son, good luck. We think you're going to need it."
"I knew Linda McMahon always liked Stephanie best!"
-- Linda McMahon on the Mankind/Rock vs. Shane/Triple H match and Lawler
"Waitaminute! What the hell is this?!"
-- Michael Cole (probably not the last time we'll hear this line this evening)
"Jeff, this could happen to you!"
-- Lawler to Jeff Jarrett on Triple H's interference in the Chyna/BA Billy Gunn match
"If you ever disrespect me like that again, I'll rip your throat out and choke you with your own tongue."
-- The Undertaker to the Big Show
"Mankind is not a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, but he's doing the job here tonight!"
-- Michael Cole talking about... who knows?
THE ROCK: "Are you insinuating to the Rock that, tonight, in front of the millions (pause) of Rock's fans, he should just lay down and let you beat him?"
MANKIND: "Yes."
LAWLER: "Ack! Idiot!"
MANKIND: "That sounds cool to Mankind."
THE ROCK: "Well, that may sound cool to Mankind, but something that seems a little cooler is that the Rock will take your little WWF Tag Team title belt, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass!"
MANKIND: "I gotta be honest with you, Rock-- I don't think it's gonna fit!"
LAWLER: "I don't know about that..."
"The sleeve already off the tuxedo of Tony Chimmel!"
"Oh, what else is going to come off, though?"
"I shudder to think."
-- Cole and Lawler on the tuxedo match
"Howard looks like a beached whale!"
-- Lawler on Finkel after the tuxedo match
"You've got to love that hairdo, Michael, he's got that "There's Something About Mary" thing going there!"
-- Lawler on Jericho's hair
"Shane McMahon said Triple H's opponent will be a bald-headed S.O.B., and King, that can only be the Rattlesnake."
-- Cole
"Get out of the Rock's way!"
-- the Rock to a cameraman while dragging Mankind around by the hair during their match
"Shane, a compassionate man?"
"Yeah, of course! What a great guy."
"So he changed in five minutes."
-- Cole and Lawler on Shane
"Oh my God! I killed Kenny!"
-- Jericho to what's left of Shamrock
"These are two of the toughest guys that ever came from that... Extremely Crappy Wrestling!"
-- Lawler on the Dudley Boyz
"Have a seat! Oooh, baby! Hi, Debra!"
-- Lawler getting excited when Debra comes to the announcers' table
"He's got to be in a foul mood after the Undertaker left him high and dry on RAW Monday night."
"Well, if you ask me, the Big Show's always in a bad mood!"
-- Cole and Lawler
"Mankind didn't come out here to talk about his nudity, his electronic football, or his mom... Mankind came out here today to talk about the Great One!"
"He's going to talk about Shane again?"
-- Mankind and Lawler
"This week, I have a little proposal for you, my friend; one that I'm sure you will not refuse."
"Wait a minute, don't tell me Howard's going to propose!"
-- Finkel and Lawler
"Oh no! That's enough, that's enough! Chimmel, you win! You win!"
-- Lawler trying to keep Chimmel from pulling Finkel's pants off
"Jericho on Smackdown last week; his in-ring debut, destroying the Road Dogg! The Road Dogg suffered a crushed and ruptured disk in his back; he'll be out for a few weeks because of the attack—"
"Aw, he might never be back!"
-- Cole and Lawler on the Road Dogg's encounter with Chris Jericho last week
"Oh, look at this guy!"
"He's pretty scary, if you ask me."
-- Cole and Lawler on Gillberg
"Hey, Shamrock! Since you've decided you want to be destroyed by Y2J, why don't you follow me out to the parking lot right now junior, and I will beat a message into your lunkhead that you will never, ever forget!"
-- Jericho to Shamrock (he is barely able to get the whole thing out before Shamrock is after him)
CROWD: "We want puppies! We want puppies!"
COLE: "...Chyna was the number-one contender going in..."
LAWLER: Shut up, Michael Cole, and listen to this crowd!"
JEFF JARRETT: "You shut up, King!"
"Can you imagine Howard in his skivvies?"
-- Cole on the tuxedo match
"Here's the big question-- do you think it's going to be title against title?"
"I... don't think so."
-- Lawler and Cole on the Gillberg/Triple H match
"Hey, he's got red underwear!"
-- Lawler cracking up after Finkel has been stripped
"These two have had classic battles in the past... who will ever forget, King, the "I quit" match?"
"I don't."
"The "last man standing" match?"
"I remember."
"How about Halftime Heat at the Super Bowl?"
"That was cool!"
-- Cole and Lawler on past Mankind/the Rock matches
COLE: "It's Triple H!"
JARRETT: "He has no business out here!"
COLE: "The champion in the ring... he sets Mr. Ass up..."
LAWLER: "Ack!"
COLE: "The Pedigree! The Pedigree!"
JARRETT: "Doesn't he have enough to worry about?!"
"It was a train wreck."
-- Cole on last Monday's four-corners tag team match
"If there's one thing I admire about the Rock, it is not the six hundred dollar shirts, it's not even the People's Elbow! It's the fact that the Rock's testicles are full of fortitude!"
-- Mankind
"Ha! Chimmel's afraid!"
-- Lawler on Tony Chimmel's refusal to fight Howard Finkel
"Listen to me. I need to do this by myself tonight. This "Kane's little buddy" crap? I'm sick of it! No more of that, man. You need to stay back here. I don't care what happens out there; you need to stay back here or it's over. I'm sick of being the weak link, and I'm sick of letting you down, man! I'm sick of it!"
-- X-Pac to a distraught Kane backstage
"Come on, guys, give it everything you've got! Whoa, don't come over here."
-- Lawler during the Mankind/the Rock matchup
"Kane, look at you! You're pathetic! The weaker he (X-Pac) becomes, the weaker you become! And the weaker he becomes, the more vulnerable you become. Don't forget it."
-- the Undertaker to Kane
"Rock, shoulder-first into the steel chair..."
"Those aren't chairs; they're steps, you moron Michael Cole!"
-- Cole and Lawler
"Hi girls!"
-- Test to Triple H and Shane McMahon
"Oh my gosh! Get an ambulance! Get a medic! You killed him!"
-- Lawler after Shane gets knocked into the announcers' table
"Mankind, you talk about the Rock like we're friends! You talk about the Rock like the Rock is going to invite you down to Miami so we can have Christmas dinner! Well, the Rock says this. You may be the Rock's partner-- we're not friends, we probably never will be friends, but the Rock recognizes that you are, without a shadow of a doubt, the craziest son of a bitch the Rock has ever seen!"
-- The Rock
COLE and LAWLER in unison after seeing what Bossman did to Pepper: "Oh, my God!"
"Keep in mind, King, what X-Pac said before the break; he told Kane to stay out of this match no matter what happened--"
"Oh, look at this! No matter *WHAT*?"
-- Cole and Lawler as UT and TBS appear
"What a spear by Gillberg!"
"What was that?! Get up, Triple H!"
-- Cole and Shane
"Tastes like chicken."
-- Bossman on Pepper
"Look at Jericho laughing!"
-- Cole on Jericho enjoying the tuxedo match backstage
"Shane McMahon has put me in a very unenviable position, and that is to face a man who's not just a tag team partner to me, but is more like a brother!"
-- Mankind
"Let me tell you something, you fat slob-- I don't want the messenger! I want the man!"
-- The Big Show to Paul Bearer
"We don't want to see powder-puff because of your newfound friendship! If you two deliver powder puff, then tomorrow morning both of you will start your six-month suspension!"
-- Shane McMahon (I thought the Rock just said he and Mankind WEREN'T friends)
"Look, he's not even helping Paul Bearer up!"
"Undertaker's not even helping Paul Bearer up..."
-- Lawler and Cole. Lord, we miss you Jim Ross.
"Let the Rock make one thing perfectly clear to you, right here, right now. Don't you ever-- AND THE ROCK MEANS ever, talk about the Rock's testicles again!"
-- The Rock to Mankind
"King, keep your mind on the match!"
-- Jeff Jarrett getting annoyed at Lawler and his attentions to the ladies
"I was down on my bed, and I was playing a game of electronic football... I happened to be naked, and my mother walked in the door. Even though I wasn't technically doing anything wrong, it still has stood out in my mind as the most embarrassing moment of the past twenty years! ...Until I lost to Shane McMahon, that is."
-- Mankind
"Weeeell, weeeeell, weeeeell!"
-- Paul Bearer sounding mighty feminine, responding to TBS's calling out of UT
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