Quotes: Unforgiven September 26, 1999
"There is the Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman's duffel bag, full of martial arts weapons..."
"Uh, well, wait a minute. I think those are Val's tools of the trade if you know what I mean, J.R.!"
-- J.R. and Lawler, referring to the RAW incident where Val replaced Blackman's weapons with sex toys
"J.R., you might want to borrow a couple of those toys!"
"You reckon I could use them?"
"Yeah! They buzz, and they make noise, and they vibrate!"
-- Lawler and J.R. on Val's sex toys
"You know something ladies, the Big Valbowski figures that the remnants of Hurricane Floyd are still within the boundaries of North Carolina. Why? Because just this morning, the Big Valbowski was blown from one end of the state all the way to the other!"
-- Val Venis
J.R.: "The referee for this matchup, Steve Lombardi, known in some circles as the Brooklyn Brawler, one of the scab referees."
LAWLER: "Yeah, Brooklyn Brawler, Steve Lombardi; he's been Doink the Clown; he's been all sorts of things."
(Val Venis falls astraddle the top rope)
LAWLER: "That's bad for all sorts of things, right there!"
J.R.: "That'll put the Valbowski down..."
LAWLER: "Ha!"
J.R.: "...perhaps for the three-count!"
"We don't know when he's going to be back. It's not going to be tonight... at least, we don't think it's going to be tonight."
"Oh, but you never can tell, J.R.!"
"You never know around this place."
-- J.R. and Lawler discussing the Undertaker's departure
"Wait a minute; that's the head of our security!"
"Jim Dotson, the head of our security, just took Blackman down!"
-- the backstage boys rough up Steve Blackman after Blackman refuses to let the EMTs check on a fallen Val Venis
"What is it with you, Michael Cole? Have you taken a stupid pill today? Is that what it is?"
-- the Big Show
"Mark, you're about the step into the ring with your former best friend D'Lo Brown, and he's going to have a shot at your European title!"
"Never mind that! Let me tell you what *I* want a shot at."
(Mark leans over to whisper in her ear; she recoils and slaps him hard)
-- Lillian Garcia and Mark Henry
MARK HENRY: "There is not, I repeat, there is not going to be a European championship match tonight."
J.R.: "What? Why?"
LAWLER: "What's up, Sexual Chocolate?"
HENRY: "...Normally, I would go on with this thing, but I think I-- I got slapped back there, and something in my head just popped. I think I got a braineurism or something."
LAWLER: "Braineurism?"
J.R.: "Brain-- aneurism, Mark. But that's close."
"Mark Henry wasting a little bit of time there, rubbing his jowls."
"He's woozy! There's something wrong with his head."
"I'll agree with that."
-- J.R. and Lawler
"Please, J.R.! Nobody cares about all that best friend stuff! A friend in need is a... pest!"
-- Lawler
"Look at the size of Mark Henry's arm!"
"What do you think the size of his stomach is? And D'Lo would take him out to dinner; D'Lo would order himself a big 16-ounce T-bone steak, and then tell them to bring Mark a couple pieces of lettuce."
-- J.R. and Lawler
"Look at Mark's wrestling attire! It's just hanging loose on him!"
-- Lawler on Mark Henry
"Boy, that's something to be proud of, isn't it? Being the head scab!"
-- Lawler ripping on the head replacement referee
"His face is kinda gaunt..."
"Oh, get OUT of here!"
-- Lawler and J.R. on Mark Henry
"What I can't understand is, who would want Debra out of their business? I don't get it!"
"Nobody ever said Jeff Jarrett was class valedictorian."
-- Lawler and J.R. after Jarrett tells Debra to stay out of his match
"King, can you imagine the embarrassment here tonight if Jeff Jarrett becomes the first man in WWF history to lose a major title to a female?"
"Now, wait a minute. Why would that be an embarrassment? Just because you're a male chauvinist pig, J.R.?"
-- J.R. and Lawler as Jeff Jarrett hits the ring for his IC title defense
"That would have ended the career of a normal man!"
"Well, Chyna's not normal. And she isn't a man! But I would assume that still has a very adverse effect on one..."
-- Lawler and J.R. as Jarrett puts Chyna crotch-first into the ringpost
"Miss Kitty looking on approvingly here..."
"I'm looking on approvingly at her, too! She looks purrfect! Puuuuurrrrfect! Ha!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"Look at those glasses on Whippleman; he didn't get a good look at anything!"
-- Lawler insulting referee Harvey Whippleman
"Jeff Jarrett putting Chyna to sleep and there's Miss Kitty; I'd like to take a little catnap with her myself!"
-- Lawler
"You go, girl!"
-- fan to Chyna as she's beating up Jeff Jarrett outside the ring
"Jarrett backdropped right on the Spanish announcers' table! Jarrett just took a seat out there!"
"Si, senor!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"Jeff Jarrett's getting nailed by Moolah and Mae Young; they're old enough to be his grandmas!"
"Grandmas? These women started wrestling when the Dead Sea was only sick!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"That's lower than whale manure!"
"They should have stayed in their-- oop!"
-- J.R. berating Jarrett for attacking the Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young, as Lawler's advice is interrupted by Jarrett booting Young out of the ring
"What?! She-- she hit-- she-- she shoved Miss-- Miss Kitty!"
-- Lawler in shock after Debra pushes the HELL out of Miss Kitty
"Debra just knocked out the Intercontinental champion with his guitar!"
-- J.R.
"Chyna is going to pin Jarrett, and it's over!"
"What a spiteful witch!"
-- J.R. and Lawler (referring to either Chyna or Debra)
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!"
-- J.R. as Chyna beats up referee Tom Pritchard for making her lose the IC title
"This one has slobberknocker written all over it!"
"How do you spell that?"
"I'll get back to you later on that one."
-- J.R. and Lawler on the upcoming Acolytes/Dudley Boyz match
"Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley, believe it or not, are half-brothers..."
-- J.R. shedding some light on WWF's newly-acquired ECW-ers
"Oh, look out-- I believe Johnny Mae may have soiled her Depends!"
-- Lawler as Moolah and "Johnny" Mae Young are helped backstage
"It's back to the nursing home with them!"
-- further Lawler comments on Moolah and Young
"Charlotte, North Carloina, s-s-s-s-s- (D-Von smacks him) sucks!"
"Sufferin' succotash!"
-- Bubba Ray Dudley on the mic, plus a comment from Lawler
"I bet there'll be a run on Ben-Gay down at Walgreens tonight!"
-- Lawler still cracking up about the whole Jarrett/Moolah/Young incident
"Something like this happens to them every time they go to a big match. You should have seen what happened to them when they went to see the Christians versus the lions! Ha!"
-- Lawler on Moolah and Young
"ECW that!"
-- Faarooq to Bubba Ray Dudley
"Their father was Big Daddy Dudley!"
"That's what I heard. He got around, didn't he?"
"YES!"
"I'd like to meet that guy..."
-- J.R. and Lawler on the parentage of Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley
LAWLER: "Wait a minute... who's that goof out there?"
J.R.: "What are you talking about?"
LAWLER: "Oh, speaking of Extremely Crappy-- look right there; what am I talking about?"
J.R.: "Oh, Stevie Richards."
LAWLER: "What's he dressed like?"
J.R.: "Stevie Richards with a superkick; Stevie's dressed like an Acolyte!"
"He's got a UPN logo on his chest, King..."
-- J.R. on Stevie Richards
"Stevie's folded up like an accordian there at the hands of the Acolytes!"
-- J.R.
"Luna's making copies!"
"I thought you always sat on it..."
-- J.R. and Lawler as Luna smashes Ivory's head with the copier top
"I've never seen a vertical pin before."
-- J.R. during the women's championship match, hardcore rules
"Did you see that, old lady? That's a real WWF champ--"
-- Ivory to Moolah and Young, just before Moolah throws her into the wall
"Put the boots to her, Mae!"
-- J.R. cheering on Mae Young as she beats up Ivory backstage
"I was getting used to not hearing this. It was getting nice."
-- Lawler on the entrance music for the Road Dogg and the New Age Outlaws
"King, have you heard who initiated the reunion here between the Road Dogg and Mr. Ass?"
"No, but I'd like to get my hands on him."
-- J.R. amd Lawler
"This is a reunion we could've done without, J.R.!"
-- Lawler on the New Age Outlaws
"I've got THESE two words for Mae Young and Moolah!"
"If you're not down with that... we got two words for you!"
"SUCK IT!"
"That's... just a figure of speech, right?"
-- Lawler, BABG, the crowd, and J.R.
"A blind tag; Road Dogg may not be aware of it--"
(Road Dogg is drop-kicked)
"--Until now."
"I think I saw a tooth flying!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"Is that why you're a big fan of theirs, J.R.; you like it doggystyle?"
-- Lawler, referring to the New Age Outlaws
"Let me ask you this, J.R. When Mae Young and Moolah were out here-- by the way, they're getting older by the minute-- you forgot to say where they played football!"
-- Lawler still cracking up about Young and Moolah
"How's the lower back, Roadie?"
-- Edge being rather spiteful as he focuses his attack on the Road Dogg's lower back
"Road Dogg has been grounded... he may be neutered before this is over as far as the title is concerned; he may leave without it!"
-- J.R.
"A tag made, both sides... Edge's side, for sure!"
-- J.R.; Badd Ass is too busy showboating to tag in for the Road Dogg
"Doing it in the dogghouse..."
-- Lawler mocking the Road Dogg's shirt
"I bet you're regretting what you did to Pepper."
"I don't regret a damn thing I do. I'll tell you what, you're going to be the one regretting something; if you ask me another question like that, I'm going to shove this nightstick right up your ass!"
-- Michael Cole and the Big Bossman during a backstage interview
LAWLER (slight panic): "You and I aren't going to be inside with those rottweilers, are we?"
J.R.: "I made sure we weren't."
LAWLER: "Oh, okay. I'm not afraid of dogs!"
J.R.: "The hell you're not!"
"Tonight, Big Bossman.. for everything you've done to Pepper... for the memory of Pepper... I'm going to be all over your fat, donut-eating ass like a one-man crime spree, you fat worthless SON OF A BITCH!"
-- Al Snow
"Well, y'know, Al used to try and teach Pepper to play dead. He finally succeeded!"
-- Lawler
LAWLER: "Remember what Bossman did to little Pepper's grave?"
J.R.: "Yes. He urinated on it."
LAWLER: "Ha! I'd like to have the peeing concession at your grave, J.R.; I'd be rich!"
J.R.: "You think so? Why don't you earn your keep?"
LAWLER: "Okay!"
J.R.: "You can read that, can't you?"
LAWLER: "I can; I'll tell you that tonight, WWF Unforgiven is brought to you by... (etc.)"
"This is about what it'd be like if Moolah and Mae Young were putting this cage up!"
-- Lawler complaining about the stage crew having trouble getting the cell constructed
"Look at the jowls on that son of a gun! I'm talking about the dogs, King, not that lady you came with."
-- J.R. as the rottweilers for the Kennel from Hell match arrive
"Bossman has to climb back in that cage..."
"Be careful; don't slip on the urine, Bossman!"
-- J.R. and Lawler; Lawler is referring to one of the rottweilers who peed while entering the cage
"Well, the dogs have already let go of number one; do you think Mae Young and Moolah--"
"Would you stop bringing Mae Young and Moolah into this?"
-- Lawler and J.R.
"Keep the camera on the dogs!"
-- Lawler, when two dogs fighting becomes more enertaining than the match
"If he falls from there, he's screwed!"
-- Lawler as Bossman attempts to get on top of the Hell in a Cell
"Bossman's got those pliers around Al Snow's ear!"
"Shades of Moe and Curly! He'll probably feed it to him after he pulls his ear off!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"I used to have a doberman. He could play ball... he was a doberman pitcher."
-- Lawler
"We have just seen the first, and maybe the last, Hell in a Cell matchup kennel from hell."
-- J.R. (MAYBE the last?)
"Did that have my entrance music on it?"
"No, it couldn't because it went gold."
-- Lawler and J.R. discussing "WWF: the Music" vol. 2
"Not only am I here to save the World Wrestling Federation... not only am I here to save Charlotte..."
"Should have gotten here during the dog match."
-- Chris Jericho and Lawler
"I am so sick of hearing about his big heart! Wish we'd get an x-ray; you think maybe that big heart of his might just be a tumor or something?"
-- Lawler on X-Pac
"Y'know, an enlarged heart is actually a medical condition, similar to a braineurism!"
-- Lawler
"Look at that mug... scare a hot dog off a bun, wouldn't it?"
-- Lawler on Curtis Hughes
"I don't know what X-Pac is saying to Chris Jericho..."
"No, he's not talking to Jericho! He's cussing Tom Pritchard!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"Eat more beaver! Eat more beaver!"
-- the crowd during the Jericho/X-Pac match, cheering on some guys with "eat more beaver" signs trying to avoid security
"You've got to admire that this kid's not going to stay down."
"Okay, I admire him."
"He's giving all he can..."
"He's giving us all he can. What ELSE do you want me to say about him?"
-- J.R. and Lawler on X-Pac
"Why can't this scab ref get a real set of pants?"
-- Lawler insulting the fashion sense of Tom Pritchard
"That stupid Road Dogg ruined everything!"
"Jericho is not very happy here."
-- Lawler and J.R. as Road Dogg checks on X-Pac and Jericho dismantles the steps in frustration
"With the Road Dogg and Badd Ass Billy Gunn back together as the New Age Outlaws, you've got to wonder what the position will be of X-Pac as far as D-X is concerned."
"I could care-- no, I couldn't care less."
-- J.R. and Lawler
"How many times HAS Kane been caught on fire in his life?"
-- Lawler
"He's smelling SOMEthing..."
-- Lawler as the Rock plays up to the crowd
"Come hell or high water... or beer..."
-- Stone Cold Steve Austin doing color commentary during the WWF championship match
"I guess that's Kane's version of a tag!"
-- Lawler as Kane punches the Big Show and knocks him off the apron
"I got my own six-pack challenge going right here!"
-- Austin referring to his beers at ringside
"Kane's been set on fire in his life more times than Smokey the Bear!"
-- Lawler again
"Count it!"
"Korderas a step slow in getting there..."
"JE-sus..."
-- Austin complaining about the ref's officiating
"Triple H got dropped on his head, AND he got a wedgie! He lost all the way around!"
"Yeah, he came up short on top and bottom on that deal."
-- J.R. and Austin
"I think he'd rather have the Rock and Sock Connection than the WWF championship; that's how stupid he is!"
-- Lawler on Mankind
"I'm telling you right now; I do respect that sumbitch but leave my beer alone, or I'll open a can of whoop ass on that bastard!"
-- Austin after the Rock snatches the beer out of Stone Cold's hand, drinks, and spits it out in Triple H's face
"Don't tell me he's going to use the sock on the Rock! HE DID!"
"I love it! I love it... I take it all back, Mick; that's a crazy son of a bitch out there."
-- Lawler and Austin
"A DAMN near fall!"
-- J.R. as the Rock nearly gets the three count from Austin on Triple H
"Big mistake, champ!"
-- J.R. to Triple H, when Triple H made the mistake of snapping at Austin and received a stunner for his trouble
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