Quotes: RAW is WAR, November 1, 1999
All Saints Day edition
Live from Washington, D.C. (sold out)
The Rock does an in-ring interview before brawling with the Road Dogg. D-X runs in and Vince McMahon helps to break them all up. Backstage, Vince warns D-X that they won't be in charge tonight. Michael Cole interviews the Big Show backstage; it ends in a Boss Man/Prince Al attack on the Big Show with tear gas. Elsewhere, Mankind is signing copies of his book as Al Snow reads off all the insults Mick wrote about him. During the Mankind/Al Snow vs. Big Boss Man/Prince Al match, Val Venis is shown taking Mankind's books and setting them on fire; Mankind later puts them out and is very upset. Backstage, D-X is conferring as Austin broods elsewhere before his match with Badd Ass. Stephanie and Test reaffirm their relationship; Kurt Angle vignette. D-X and the McMahons mix it up backstage. Vince McMahon becomes ring announcer for the main event and appoints Stone Cold, Kane, and the Rock as guest commentator, special enforcer, and guest timekeeper (respectively) in order to counter the effects of Triple H bringing D-X with him to ringside. Lots of interference, including some by Vince against Shane that may or may not have been accidental.
Edge, Christian, and the Hardy Boyz (w/ Terri) defeat Too Cool and the Holly cousins (C, w/ scale) in a non-title eight-man tag match; the high-flyers are impressive as usual. Al Snow and Mankind defeat the Big Boss Man (C) and Prince Albert in a non-title hardcore tag team match. WWF Intercontinental Championship: Chyna (C) defeats Stevie Richards; Jericho runs in and lays her out afterwards. Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Badd Ass Billy Gunn goes to a no-contest after D-X runs in and Stone Cold attacks them with a steel chair. Test vs. Val Venis goes to a disqualification after Mankind runs in and attacks Val Venis; Stephanie McMahon does color commentary for the match. Kane defeats X-Pac via disqualification after D-X runs in. The Headbangers defeat the Dudley Boyz; the Mean Street Posse run in afterwards and help the Dudleys beat up the 'Bangers. WWF Championship: Triple H (C) defeats Shane McMahon; D-X, Kane, the Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Vince McMahon are all heavily involved.
"Stone Cold hasn't left the arena!"
"He's still here; and he's DRINKING, J.R.!"
-- J.R. and Lawler as cameras capture Stone Cold Steve Austin backstage, beers in hand
"Shane's on fire; something pissed him off!"
-- Stone Cold
"What's new, pussycat?"
"Easy there, tiger."
-- Lawler and J.R. as Chyna and Miss Kitty hit the ring
"It's been a long time since Vince McMahon sat at ringside for a WWF title match!"
"I remember the last time Vince McMahon sat at ringside; it was two years ago at Survivor Series in Montreal! You remember that, Stone Cold?"
"Damn right! I loved it!"
-- J.R., Lawler, and Austin (subtle jab at Bret Hart)
"Edge and Christian will be pulling some midnight duty here tonight in D.C.! The big onsale, the big launch of WWF: The Music volume 4 is going to be tonight at midnight... here in D.C.!"
"I thought that was tomorrow! Tonight, at midnight?"
"Tonight at midnight is, officially, tomorrow."
"Oh, I gotcha."
-- J.R. and Lawler
"There's nothing more I'd like to do than to take your fat ass on for MY hardcore belt, but since you've got your friend Fuzzy Wuzzy right there with you..."
"Oh boy; he's asking for it now, J.R. I tell ya; it's just a sweater, isn't it?"
"I was thinking... I think I'm going to make the odds a little more even! So why don't we introduce MY partner?"
(Mankind's entrance music cranks up, as Al Snow breaks into a fit of insane laughter on the ramp)
-- Al Snow and Lawler
"Take them sunglasses off and look at me like that!"
-- Stone Cold to the Rock, as they start to get into it at ringside during the main event
"Wait a minute! We're in the nation's capital, Rock; you can't do that!"
-- Lawler as the Rock pulls off his pants (he's got wrestling attire beneath)
"Right now, I'm going to watch Test kick Val Venis's butt!"
-- Stephanie McMahon, doing color commentary
"Wait a minute... that's not Jericho."
-- J.R. as Stevie Richards hits the ring in Jericho attire (Stevie has got the body movements and facial expressions down PERFECTLY
(Backstage, Mankind is signing copies of his book as Al Snow sits nearby with an open copy in his lap)
MANKIND: "I'm telling you, Al, the boys are going to love these books!"
AL SNOW: "I bet they will..."
MANKIND (begins signing): "To Mideon: For God's sake, wear a shirt, man! Mick Foley."
(Al chuckles)
MANKIND (looks over): "What number are you up to, there?"
AL SNOW: "Number sixty-eight."
MANKIND: "All right, read it to me. Go ahead."
AL SNOW (reading from Mick's book): "He looked like a child that doesn't want to sit on Santa's lap, or an adult forced to watch an Al Snow match."
MANKIND (laughing): "That's good! What's the next one? What number are we up to?"
AL SNOW: "What?"
MANKIND: "What number are we up to?"
AL SNOW: "Number sixty-nine..."
MANKIND (chuckling): "Heh, you said sixty-nine..." (turns back to his book) "To Gerald Brisco..."
AL SNOW (reading from Mick's book): "I was in a stupor for the next two days. I looked like a cross between Popeye Doyle when he was strung out on smack in the French connection II..."
MANKIND: "Remember that?"
AL SNOW: "Yeah, he looked pretty bad... "and an audience after sitting through an Al Snow match."
(Mankind cracks up again as Al Snow starts getting one of those demented smiles on his face)
AL SNOW: "I tell ya what, it just keeps on coming..."
"What the hell's the matter with you? What the hell's the matter with you? You see that? You see what you just did?"
"What the hell's the matter with ME?! You can't keep people off of us?"
"I'll tell you what we're gonna do. You son of a bitch; you know what you're going to do? You're going to defend that WWF title right here tonight in Washington, D.C.!"
"I hope to God it's you! You want to get in my face?"
"Hey, back off! BACK OFF!"
"I hope to God it's against you!"
-- Vince and Triple H after Kane attacks D-X in the locker room; Shane attacks Triple H after the champ ignores his warnings to back off Vince
"Chyna just dotted the "I" there..."
-- Lawler after Chyna hits a nutshot on Y2S-- Stevie Richards dressed as Jericho
"Stone Cold, you've got to watch both sides! You've got D-X on your right, and the Rock on your left!"
"You know what; you better look on your right because I'm right here on your right and I just might look to dump you right on your little chin!"
"ME?!"
"You and me ain't buddies; we ain't friends, I'm just sitting beside you out here. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"That's a yes or no, King."
"THANK you very much."
-- Austin, Lawler, and a comment from J.R. during the main event
"Stephanie, you've never seen any of Val's movies, have you?"
-- Lawler to his guest commentator Stephanie McMahon
"RIDE the big red virgin!"
-- Lawler as X-Pac hits a bronco buster on Kane
"Well since Rock's baby left him..."
"Ha HA!"
-- the Rock serenading the crowd; Lawler was loving it
"Kane is ready, willing, and able to give X-Pac a first-class, restaurant-quality ass-whipping here tonight!"
-- J.R.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute... Lillian must have screwed that up."
-- Lawler as Lillian Garcia announces Vince as special guest ring announcer for the main event
"Nothing says lovin' like something from the oven!"
-- Lawler as Mankind hits the Big Boss Man and Prince Al over the head with a tray
"As far as Badd Ass Billy Gunn goes, someone said, "Hey, Stone Cold, you got a match?" I said, "Oh, hell yeah, I got a match! My foot and Billy Gunn's ass!"
-- Stone Cold
"I think Stephanie McMahon better check out Test's family tree... she may find out he's the sap!"
-- Lawler
"Stephanie, it's good to hear that you've finally gotten over your amnesia and remember your fiancee. But you know something? If you had spent just one night with the Big Valbowski, it would have been a night that you NEVER would have forgotten!"
-- Val Venis, seconds before getting clobbered by Test
"Al Snow, get your punk ass out here right now, because nobody, BUT NOBODY, pulls the wool over the Big Boss Man's eyes without getting some serious payback! And if you don't believe me, ask the Big Show! He's at the hospital right now, sharing a respirator with his father!"
-- the Big Boss Man calling out Al Snow
"That snake was striking left and right, J.R... oh no!"
-- Lawler recounting the events of SmackDown last Thursday, then panicking as Austin's entrance theme cranks up
"What the hell?"
"Well, I'll tell you what... maybe referee Earl Hebner is in Vince's pocket! Shades of Survivor Series two years ago; who knows?"
"Was Stone Cold talking to me, J.R.?"
"Damn right I was; look at me and ask me that question!"
-- Austin, J.R., and Lawler as Triple H somehow misses a three count
"We're only two weeks away from Survivor Series on pay-per-view, but the question of the night is, who's going to survive RAW?"
-- J.R.
"The big red machine almost beheaded X-Pac!"
-- J.R. as X-Pac interferes in the WWF title match; Kane clotheslines X-Pac, then chases him off through the crowd
"Where they going now? Don't go back to that parking lot, Rock!"
-- Lawler yelling advice as the Rock and Road Dogg duke it out on the ramp
(After pummeling Shane on the other side of the barrier, Triple H hops back over to ringside)
AUSTIN: "When you step into the ring with the WWF Champion-- right now it's Triple H-- that's a whole different world. You ain't just stepping in there with any sumbitch. Triple H IS the world's champion."
TRIPLE H (spying Vince McMahon): "What are you going to do? What are you going to do?"
LAWLER: "Now he's going to get in Vince McMahon's face."
TRIPLE H (to Vince): "I'll beat your boy's ass!" (turns to snap at Stone Cold)
AUSTIN (to Triple H): "Hey, it's one thing if that sonofabitch gets in there; it's a whole 'nother thing if Stone Cold does!"
(Suddenly, a recovered Shane launches himself off the barrier and hits Triple H with a huge clothesline [also whacking his head pretty solidly on the floor in the process])
LAWLER: "Look at THIS!"
AUSTIN: "Oh, hell yeah!"
J.R.: "Shane McMahon came and got him some!"
"YEAH, baby!"
"Huh?"
"That's my man, right there!"
"Okay, okay..."
-- Stephanie (referring to Test) and Lawler
"The champion does NOT come out here first!"
"He does tonight, King; you better get over it!"
"I may get over it, but I don't think Triple H is going to get over it!"
-- Lawler and J.R. as Vince McMahon calls out Triple H first for the main event
"That got the seven and the eight pin, I think!"
-- J.R. as Al Snow sends a bowling ball into the Big Boss Man's crotch during their hardcore match
"Chris Jericho, you seem to have a real problem with a woman being the Intercontinental champion, which I don't really understand because it seems to me that YOU'RE the one coming out here every week, whining and crying like you've got a yeast infection."
"No-- it's called, Chyna envy! That's what Y2J has!"
"I'm wondering if you're crying because, maybe... I'm a little bit more muscular than you are; bigger than you are! I'm wondering if you're crying because, even though the heels on your boots are bigger than mine, I'm still taller than you are! And I'm wondering if you're whining and crying because, frankly Jericho, I'm better than you are. I think I've proved it and I think if you ask any male WWF superstar, they will tell you that I definitely am a worthy Intercontinental champion. But Jericho, if you need me to prove it, I'll give you a second opinion when I bitchslap you around the ring at Survivor Series!"
-- Chyna ripping on Jericho, and a comment from Lawler
"Is my theme song on that?"
-- Lawler referring to WWF: The Music, volume 4
"He buried his head below the belt of Mosh..."
-- J.R. after the Dudleys deliver a low blow
"Triple H and Austin, in the past and in the future, the Rock has dragged both your monkey asses down that long, long boulevard called Know Your Role..."
-- the Rock
(In the ring, Buh Buh Ray Dudley gets hold of the mic and takes a breath to speak)
VOICE: "We're D-D-D-D-Dummy Boyz!"
(The Dudley Boyz have no idea what just happened. Buh Buh Ray stares at the mic, then shows it to D-Von to get his opinion. Mystified, Buh Buh Ray taps the mic experimentally)
LAWLER (to J.R.): "Is that you?"
(Buh Buh Ray prepares to speak again)
VOICE: "A-A-And w-w-w-we really s-s-s-suck! Ha!"
(Buh Buh Ray dangles the mic upside down in confusion, then hands it off as the mystery voice-- the Headbangers-- head to ringside)
"There went the monitors! There went the face of Mr. Ass, almost through this table!"
-- J.R. as Austin does some sort of wrestling flip and launches Mr. Ass onto the announcers table
"Sit down... sit down, Stephanie! You don't want to get involved in this!"
-- Lawler as Val Venis and Test brawl at ringside
"Rock, you come out here singing your little nursery rhymes with your eyebrow jacked up on your forehead... you say you're going to tie a rattlesnake in a knot and stick it straight up my ass; well, uh-uh! Ol' Stone Cold don't play that crap! You come out here with your little poor-man's Elvis imitation, singing little songs! Son, you can sit there and talk all the crap you want in the middle of this ring, but I dare you-- no, I double-dog dare you to look Stone Cold in the eyes, THAT close, and say all that garbage to me, because I don't think you can because I think you're running scared! Punk!"
-- Stone Cold
"My God, King! Boss Man and Prince Albert are locking the door!"
-- J.R. as the aforementioned heels lock the Big Show into a room with a tear gas canister; it should be noted that Michael Cole broke a land speed record in getting out of there before the door was locked
"Road Dogg with a pumphandle slam, and the Rock around the bend! ...Road Dogg being checked into the SmackDown Hotel!"
"He's beating the Road Dogg right out of Washington!"
-- J.R. as the Rock comes tearing over to attack the Road Dogg and drag him out through the crowd during the main event
"My first wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met!"
-- Lawler
"Hey, Kane! Hey! Hey, what's that slut's name that's got a crush on you; what's her name? Tori? Well, sorry man, I had to tell her the whole truth about the fire, if you know what I mean. So I guess now she knows you're not much of a man..."
-- X-Pac to Kane, seconds before receiving a monster chokeslam
"Austin drops his elbow right in the heart-- if he can find one-- of Badd Ass Billy Gunn!"
-- J.R. being a little harsh during the Austin/Gunn match
"I've Been In Chyna and It Smells"
-- sign in the crowd
"I can't believe this! Val Venis is destroying Mankind's work!"
"They said it was a hot seller!"
-- J.R. and Lawler (with a terrible pun) as Val sets a wastebasket of Mankind's books on fire
"Terri! Terri! Terri!"
-- the crowd during the eight-man tag match
"Get back! Get back!"
"You just keep in my face."
-- Vince McMahon screaming at D-X to get backstage, and Triple H taunting Vince
"Now Val... Val would be quite a catch for somebody!"
"You might CATCH something from Val; I don't know..."
-- Lawler and Stephanie on Val Venis
"We haven't even started to cause problems yet! I told you this was going to be D-X's night, and it damn sure is! This is our night! And I'll tell you what-- we're not even going to be held responsible for what happens to Kane in a few minutes."
"Booya!"
"What the hell does that mean?"
-- Triple H, X-Pac, and Vince McMahon backstage
"This has got to be the greatest night of X-Pac's life! He is humiliating his former partner Kane!"
-- Lawler as X-Pac delivers a bronco buster
CROWD: "Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
VINCE McMAHON: "Triple H, I hate to bring it to your attention, but the nation's capital is calling your name!"
(D-X looks around, realizes this, and gets ticked)
J.R.: "That's normally reserved for politicians!"
LAWLER: "What?"
VINCE: "Since you brought your friends with you, allow me to introduce to you the special guest color commentator to sit with J.R.; he is none other than the rattlesnake himself, Stone Cold Steve Austin!"
(D-X freaks out as Stone Cold's music rolls and Austin comes stalking out, yelling insults at Triple H)
J.R.: "Stone Cold, King! We're going to be joined by Stone Cold here at ringside!"
LAWLER: "Wait a minute! He's got no business out here! What do you think I am? I'm the color commentator! ...The HELL is going on here; I'm not going to stand for this!"
J.R.: "Oh, you're not?"
(Stone Cold pulls up a chair next to Lawler)
LAWLER: "Hey, Steve!"
J.R.: "You're not going to stand for it, huh?"
LAWLER (ignoring J.R.): "Good to see you, Steve. Look at these guys, D-X!"
AUSTIN: "Son of a bitch about pissed me off! I come out here to do color commentating; he may get a can opened up on him!" (Austin casts his gaze down at the monitors; a cut is visibile from his earlier match; he looks like he got all the skin on his left eyelid torn off)
LAWLER: "How's your eye?"
AUSTIN: "Eh, I'll be just fine. I'll get a couple stitches after."
VINCE (getting up into X-Pac's face): "Let me introduce to you the guest enforcer to assist this referee on the outside of the ring. The guest enforcer to join us; his name is KANE!"
(crowd pops huge as D-X panics once more and Kane comes storming out)
J.R.: "Kane? Kane?! Oh God almighty! Through hellfire and brimstone; Kane is going to be the special enforcer on the outside of the ring!"
LAWLER: "What's KANE doing here?"
J.R.: "Vince McMahon's the ring announcer! Stone Cold's doing color, and here comes Kane!"
AUSTIN: "You couldn't have picked a better sumbitch to lay down some color as far as being a special enforcer... hell, there ain't a son of a bitch here that can do it better than Kane, and that's the bottom line!"
(X-Pac steps forward in the ring courageously and offers lazy crotch-chops Kane's way as Kane walks down the ramp; Road Dogg attempts to keep X-Pac from getting too brazen)
LAWLER: "What's his job going to be, Stone Cold?"
AUSTIN: "He's about to be mopping up the floor with Billy Gunn!"
(Triple H stands nervously in-ring, looking around him)
J.R.: "Remember, the WWF title's going to be decided here, and momentarily! Shane McMahon challenging Triple H!"
VINCE: "And what would a WWF championship match be without someone who could tell the time? Introducing the special timekeeper..."
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
LAWLER: "What? Timekeeper?"
(Triple H screams at the crowd to shut up as he and the other members of D-X begin to resemble caged animals)
VINCE: "Thhhheeeee ROCK!"
J.R. (screaming to be heard over the crowd and the Rock's entrance music): "Do you smell what Vince McMahon is cooking?!"
(The Rock comes down the ramp; he and Triple H are exchanging insults from an impossible distance as D-X continues to panic, Austin jaws on the mic, and Kane stands in the corner with folded arms, cutting an imposing figure)
"Here's the team I'VE got a lot of respect for!"
-- Lawler as Too Cool comes out to absolute dead silence from the crowd
"You don't think Al Snow's going to come out here with the Boss Man AND Prince Albert? I wouldn't if I was Al Snow; he's an idiot, but surely he's not THAT crazy!"
"Considering everything else that's happened here tonight--"
"What does everybody WANT?"
"Uh-oh..."
"Oh God; don't do it, Al! You're signing your death warrant!"
-- Lawler and J.R., along with Al Snow's entrance music
"Did I spit on ya, Lawler?"
-- Austin during his color commentary
"Austin, at Survivor Series, the Rock says, he's gonna take your little rattlesnake..."
"I don't think that'd be a little one, J.R.; rattlesnakes are pretty big!"
"He's gonna tie that little sumbitch up in a knot..."
"Ack!"
-- the Rock and Lawler
"Don't look at me like that, son! I'll show you what "bad ass" is all about!"
-- Austin as Billy Gunn glares at him at ringside during the main event
"Brian Christopher in, King; you know him very well. Give us a little background on him; how was he as a kid?"
"What are you TALKING about?"
-- J.R. and Lawler (inside joke; Lawler denying fathership of his kid again)
"Brisco's book! God d-- rrr... shit!"
-- Mankind backstage, as he picks through the ashes of his books that Val Venis set on fire
"Booooring, booooring, booooring..."
-- the crowd late in the Dudley/'Banger match, getting impatient for the main event
"Look at this! He's drinking on the job, J.R.!"
-- Lawler as Austin unfolds the chair he used to clobber D-X, sits down, and has a beer in the ring; Austin also takes the opportunity to flip off Triple H and X-Pac, who watch from the ramp
"Who is THIS?"
-- every fan watching at home, as unfamiliar music started playing and the crowd popped (turned out to be Chyna's new entrance theme)
"Testing, one two... let me test this damn thing and make sure it's working, because I'm not sure I understand some of the things that are coming out of it!"
-- Stone Cold Steve Austin
"We Meet the Heavyweight Requirement"
-- sign in the crowd
"I think what we're dealing with in Kane is... like, a twenty-five-year-old virgin, J.R.! He's a big red virgin!"
"It's all about the-- big red virgin?"
"Ha!"
-- Lawler and J.R.
"The Rattlesnake! Oh my God, the Rattlesnake opening a can of whoop-ass!"
-- J.R. as Austin goes after Billy Gunn during the WWF Championship match, partially because Gunn had interfered and partially because Austin probably just felt like it
"Less than a count away..."
"Did you see Terri's navel?"
"I was trying to call the match, King!"
-- J.R. and Lawler during the eight-man tag match
"Andrew... will YOU marry ME?"
-- Stephanie proposing to Test in the ring
"Stunner! Stunner; it's over! Shane, get up! Shane, cover Helmsley!"
-- J.R. as Austin takes a quick break from his fight with Gunn to hit Triple H
"Now as of late, there's been someone who's been somewhat of a bother to the Rock. There's been someone who the Rock considers a nothing, a nobody, a pee-on, a blemish on the Rock's buttocks! And this jabroni's name... that is correct; it does not matter what his name is..."
-- the Rock answering to some hoots from the crowd (he was talking about the Road Dogg, for the record)
"Look at this! Vince McMahon's got the WWF title in his hand!"
"And the referee is down!"
"I've seen this before, J.R.! This is not looking good!"
"And we're not even near Montreal!"
-- Lawler and J.R. during the main event
MICHAEL COLE: "X-Pac, tonight you go one-on-one with the big red machine--"
TORI (storming up from off-camera): "How could you? How could you? What did he ever do; what did he ever do to deserve any of this?"
X-PAC: "Whoa, just wait a minute sister... hold on, shut up. Michael, you know what I think the deal is here?" (looks at Tori) "You got the HOTS for him, don't you?"
(Tori glares)
X-PAC (grinning): "She does, Michael!" (turns back to Tori) "Well let me tell you something; I'll save you a little time. You know that fire he was in?" (taps his face) "Well, that ain't the only thing that got burned..." (crotch-chops and grins at Tori) "...IF ya know what I mean!"
(Tori continues to stare at X-Pac)
X-PAC: "What?"
TORI: "Bastard..."
X-PAC: "What, you want to hit me? I dare ya; I dare ya!"
TORI: "Bastard!"
"But King-- I hope that Vince's shot to Shane's head was accidental! It... was an accident, wasn't it?"
"Of course it was an accident! ...I think."
-- J.R. and Lawler as RAW fades out
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