Quotes: RAW is WAR, November 15, 1999
Live from Pittsburgh, PA (sold out)
Flanked by D-X, Triple H complains about losing the title at Survivor Series. Vince McMahon comes out, then brings out detectives to question D-X about their involvement in the attack on Austin. Mankind d. Val Venis. Detectives speak to D-X backstage; they finger Vince. Backstage, Luna presents Test and Stephanie with an engagement gift. Kurt Angle d. the Godfather (w/ hos). Detectives speak to Vince backstage; he sends them to the stooges. Gangrel (w/ Luna) d. Chris Jericho after Chyna and Miss Kitty distract Y2J. Backstage, Big Show and Vince talk. Vince makes some matches; the detectives talk to Brisco and Patterson; the Acolytes beat some guys up twice within a few minutes.
WWF Championship: The Big Show (C) d. the British Bulldog (Mean Street Posse interferes). Detectives speak to the Rock backstage; it is revealed that the Rock's car, which he had already reported stolen, was used to hit Austin. Lawler talks to the detectives backstage and fingers J.R. The Road Dogg d. Al Snow (Mankind comes in afterwards). Footage of the Austin incident at Survivor Series. Triple H and X-Pac jump Kane; Jericho attacks Chyna with a hammer. Test d. Billy "Mr. Ass" Gunn. Taped interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger on his SmackDown! experience, and footage. Triple H d. Kane by DQ after interference from Vince McMahon. #1 Contendership for the WWF title, hardcore rules: the Big Boss Man d. the Rock.
"Coming off the most controversial and catastrophic Survivor Series ever, where Stone Cold Steve Austin was the victim of a heinous vehicular hit-and-run assault, and where the Big Show became the World Wrestling Federation champion, we welcome you to the sold-out Civic Arena in Pittsburgh, where tonight, RAW IS WAR!"
-- Jim Ross, commentator extraordinaire, starting us off
"Good evening everybody; I'm Jim Ross, along with Jerry "the King" Lawler. We are here at ringside, and indeed, the personal rivalry between Triple H and Vince McMahon peaked at the Survivor Series--"
(Lawler groans in agreement)
"--when Mr. McMahon screwed Triple H out of the WWF championship!"
"Well, THANK you very much, Jim Ross, for finally being honest, for once in your broadcast career! You are exactly right! Triple H got screwed last night, and the look on his face says it all!"
-- J.R. and Lawler as a scowling (but still popped) D-X goes to the ring
"For the benefit..."
"Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
"I am REALLY not in the mood tonight."
(crowd heat)
"For the benefit of those that did not see Survivor Series last night, I will enlighten you as to the situation. You see... last night, some thievery took place. Last night, a crime was committed. My property was stolen. I was not beaten for the World Wrestling Federation title; it was STOLEN from me! Vince McMahon, I have been a thorn in your side since the moment that I won the World Wrestling Federation title. You cannot LIVE with the fact that I was the champ here. It has burned a hole in you like nothing has ever burned a hole in you before, so you tried to do everything in your power to take it from me. You put your son in the ring against me, you put your son-in-law in the ring against me, you put yourSELF in the ring against me... you tried everything! Special referee-this, time keeper-that, enforcer-this, special-this, special-that-- ALL a LOAD of CRAP! Vince, you made me fight one guy, two guys at a time, three guys at a time; FIVE GUYS, in ONE DAMN NIGHT! And still, you could not get the job done! Why? Because I am THAT... DAMN... GOOD!"
-- Triple H, and the crowd with a choice word for him
"HHH: The Game is OVER"
-- sign in the crowd
"So it comes down to last night, and a CRIME. My property was stolen; Vince McMahon, YOU committed a crime! And you will pay for your crime, starting tonight. Vince McMahon, D-Generation X will be your judge, your jury, your executioner! And you WILL pay for your crime, starting now, so get your punk-ass here, NOW!"
-- Triple H, flanked by D-X, calling out Vince McMahon
"HHH Lost the Game"
-- sign in the crowd
"If *I* were Vince McMahon... I don't believe I'd come out here right now."
-- Lawler
VINCE (on the stage): "Oh, boy. Triple H, you seem upset."
TRIPLE H (off the mic): "You're goddamn right I'm upset!"
VINCE: "I agree with you, Triple H, that people should pay for crimes. And if I were a member of D-X, I'd be thinking about paying for MY crime."
(D-X drape themselves about the ring ropes and watch Vince cockily)
VINCE: "I'd be thinking about... if I were somebody by the name of X-Pac, whether or not I could do the time."
(In-ring, X-Pac makes a face at Vince)
LAWLER: "What?"
VINCE: "And if I were someone by the name of Mr. Ass--"
(Billy Gunn straightens up)
VINCE: "--I'd REALLY be worried about doing time!"
LAWLER: "Uh-oh... you know what he means by that, don't you, J.R.?"
J.R.: "I'm afraid I do."
VINCE: "And Road Doggy Dogg, if you and your other members of D-X go to jail, I'm just afraid that you're really gonna know what doggystyle is all about..."
(Road Dogg gets ticked as the crowd pops)
J.R.: "Oh, my goodness..."
LAWLER: "What's he talking about, going to jail? That's a little graphic, too, I might add."
VINCE: "All of you! Especially you, Triple H. So why don't you take a look at the crime YOU committed last night. The crime against Stone Cold Steve Austin. Take a look! Take a look at this footage."
(Footage of the Austin incident from Survivor Series is shown)
VINCE: "So... did you do it, Triple H? No no no, before you answer that question and tell all your lies to all these people, why don't you answer the questions of the detectives who flew all the way from Detroit Michigan, who are about to ask you gentlemen a few questions! The detectives along with these police officers!"
LAWLER: "Cops?!"
VINCE (angry-voice mode): "NOW we're gonna get to the bottom of this!"
J.R.: "Damn right!"
"Listen, Mark Furhman, you get your damn ass outta here; we got nothing to say to you!"
-- Triple H as the detectives come to ringside
"They're innocent until proven guilty, J.R.!"
-- Lawler squeaking in protest as the cops manage to convince D-X to leave the ring
"Well, we're back here live on RAW from Pittsburgh, and there you see some of the Pittsburgh Steelers here, J.R.! You know what, we need to get those cops back out here and arrest those guys for impersonating a football team! Ha!"
-- Lawler
"Heellllooo, Pittsburgh! Y'know something, Mankind's a lot like the Pittsburgh Steelers!"
"What? You suck? Ha!"
"We suffered a little disappointment yesterday, but we're ready to kick some ass tonight!"
-- Mankind in his best Val Venis imitation, with a comment from Lawler
"Ladies and gentlemen, I was at the hospital in Detroit for most of the night with Stone Cold Steve Austin; he has been medevaced home, transported by air back to Texas. They are going to be running a whole litany of tests..."
"Wow!"
"A lot of trauma in his-- HEL-lo-- in his neck and back; his career certainly in jeopardy right now."
-- J.R. and Lawler (getting distracted by a particularly busty woman in the crowd)
"Val Venis and Mankind have taken it outside in the proverbial no-man's-land, where Mankind is a life-long resident!"
"Oh yeah, you're right. I'll never forget, the greatest shot I ever saw of Mankind was right here in this arena! When he was thrown through the floor in that Hell in a Cell match!"
"Remember, Mankind's teeth were knocked out, one lodged in his nose..."
"Yeah!"
"...he came off the top of the cell; it was amazing!"
-- J.R. and Lawler reminiscing during the Mankind/Venis match
"Who do YOU think did it?"
"I hate to speculate; I have my thoughts..."
"You DO?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Well, go ahead! Blurt it out; this is a police investigation! What, are you gonna withhold evidence?"
-- Lawler and J.R. discussing the Austin incident from Survivor Series
"You're right about Mankind; he'll give his all! He's given his ear; he's given his teeth... he's given his head-- I mean, this guy's given most of his body already!"
"Brain cells..."
"Oh... does he have ANY of those left?"
-- Lawler and J.R. on Mankind
"Get him, Val! Get that sock and give him a taste of his own... toejam!"
-- Lawler yelling encouragement to Val Venis
"While those cops are here, have them do something about Socko!"
-- a grumpy Lawler as Mankind uses Socko to knock Val Venis out
(Backstage, D-X is sitting in a locker room with about half a dozen suited detectives and cops)
DETECTIVE #1: "Road Dogg... could you give me your real name, please?"
ROAD DOGG: "Yes, sir. First name is "Dees..."
DETECTIVE #1 (writing on a pad): "Is that D-E-E-S?"
ROAD DOGG (straining to see the pad): "Yeah, double-E, S..."
DETECTIVE #1: "Got it."
ROAD DOGG: "Dees. Last name, ah, Nuts. Dees Nuts."
(Triple H spits out a big mouthful of water all over the floor as he and Billy Gunn crack up)
DETECTIVE #1: "I can see this is going to be a long interview... Mr. Gunn, I know you were not there when the accident occurred yesterday, but I need you to cover your itinerary with me one more time, please."
BILLY GUNN: "How many times I gotta go over this with you guys? I was in Philly, I was in Pittsburgh, my flights were going all over the place... I mean, if you don't believe me just check my itinerary!"
X-PAC (leaping up suddenly; two cops jump forward to restrain him): "Oh, this is bullshit! Are we under arrest or what?"
DETECTIVE #1: "Look, we're just trying to do our job--"
X-PAC: "Are we under arrest?"
DETECTIVE #1: "--we're asking some questions; we're just trying to do our job."
X-PAC: "Yeah, well I got your answers right here!" (indicates his crotch; the cops shove him back down into a chair) "Enough of this... hey, get your damn hands off me!"
(Gunn puts an arm around X-Pac's shoulders comfortingly)
ROAD DOGG (aside to X-Pac): "Don't touch anybody; we're all right." (looks at the cops) "Do your job; I got a job you can do... probably pays better than that chinsy-ass one you got now..."
DETECTIVE #2: "Hey, look-- you boys are in a lot of trouble here! This is a very serious matter. You're the main suspects in an attempted vehicular homicide."
TRIPLE H (standing): "Main suspects?!"
DETECTIVE #2: "Now listen up and answer some questions!"
TRIPLE H (stepping up to the detective): "Man, this is ridiculous, "suspects!" (looks at the cops who have stepped forward to keep him back) "Hey, get your hands off me, son! Suspects; you want to talk about suspects? Let's talk about McMahon! He's got a motive! He's been trying to get Austin outta here for two damn years! He comes back; all of a sudden he's Mr. Nice Guy? He buddies up to Austin? The whole time behind his back he's probably trying to get him outta here; this is the kind of crap he would pull. So why don't you go ask McMahon if you want to talk about suspects. Ask him what he was doing; ask him where he was. And until then, normally I would have two words for you guys, but until my lawyer gets here, I've got nothing to say to you, so why don't you hit the bricks?"
"I heard you liked stuffed animals!"
-- Luna presenting Test and Stephanie with an engagement present, a stuffed (via taxidermist) squirrel
"That's nice, that's nice... it can go on your nightstand!"
"Oh, honey, I think it will go much better on YOUR side!"
-- Test and Stephanie examining Luna's gift
"World Wide Filth/WWF Is Immoral"
-- planted sign in the crowd
"Godfather with some fine Steel City hos here tonight!"
-- J.R. as the Godfather enters with five ladies
"The fun-loving Godfather, always got a smile on his face..."
"And why not?"
-- J.R. and Lawler as the Godfather dances in the ring with his entourage
"I heard Triple H set those guys straight! He said he's not going to speak to them again until he talks to his own lawyer. That's a smart thing to do."
"You should know."
-- Lawler and J.R.
"Pick Me for the Ho Train"
-- a woman's sign in the crowd
"I Wanna See Mae Young's Puppies"
-- a sign in the crowd, no doubt held up by a very sick individual
"Hey, Kurt? Is that a real gold medal? Well, listen, man. Before all these people start booing you..." (moderate crowd heat) "Let me see if I can save this. I will trade you-- those are real gold medals, right? I will trade you that gold medal for-- well, they don't have any gold but they have a hell of a gold spot!"
-- the Godfather working on a transaction
"Angle Kicked My Ass"
-- sign in the crowd
"This place is crawling with cops; these hos out here... y'know, they're the receivers of swollen goods!"
"Oh, King, for gosh sakes..."
-- Lawler and J.R.
"I can't believe this! You cheer a pimp and his hos over an Olympic gold medalist! What is WRONG with you people?!"
-- Angle yelling at the crowd and getting decent heat
"I tell ya what, nobody should EVER come inside this barricade unless they are authorized."
-- J.R. laying down the law after a guy with a "WWF is Immoral/World Wide Filth" is roughly escorted from ringside by security
"Remember what Jericho said on HeAT on the USA network before the Survivor Series?"
"Oh yeah, I remember what he said! That if he didn't beat Chyna and become the Intercontinental champion, that he would have a sex-change! What do you think, J.R.? Is he a man of his word? Soon to be a woman of his word?"
"I don't think Jericho even wants to show his face."
-- J.R. and Lawler as a distraught Chris Jericho heads to the ring, minus the usual attitude
"Wait a minute-- Luna's with Gangrel!"
"Is that what she meant a while ago, when she said she'd found someone special, too?... Gangrel's "special," all right."
-- J.R. and Lawler as Luna accompanies Gangrel to ringside
"What's new, pussycat?"
-- Lawler as Miss Kitty (IC belt held high) comes out with Chyna
"Wal-Mart Needs Head"
-- sign in the crowd
(Chyna and Miss Kitty [in nurse uniform] hit the stage as Y2J looks on apprehensively from the ring)
CHYNA: "I believe I distinctly heard you say that if I beat you last night, you were gonna have a sex change!"
(Jericho runs his hands down his face)
LAWLER: "Uh-oh... there goes the beard..."
CHYNA: "Well, Nurse Kitty and I thought we'd help you get surgically started!" (draws out a big pair of bolt cutters)
MISS KITTY: "Oh, no no no. He doesn't need those; I've got the trick for him!" (pulls a pair of fingernail scissors out of her pocket) "He needs these!"
CHYNA: "These would be more your size, I guess."
(Jericho paces slowly in the ring, looking as though he is torn between killing Chyna and Kitty or killing himself)
CHYNA (digging into a bag at her feet): "What have we got here... birth control pills!" (she shoots a pleading look at the ring) "For the love of God, PLEASE use them!"
J.R.: "How humiliating for Jericho!"
CHYNA (holding a box of tampons): "Like it or not, you're going to have to get used to these! Tampons, and with your temperament lately, super-plus absorbency!"
(Jericho runs his fingers through his hair, an expression of exquisite pain on his face)
J.R.: "What a night for Jericho... he's never going to forget this!"
CHYNA (as Miss Kitty tosses tampons into the air): "Oh... last night I got a little too close to you... hello, low tide!"
MISS KITTY (with a bottle of Summer's Eve): "We all know it's the middle of November, but it's Summer's Eve for you, Chris!"
"You get OUT of here!"
"Chyna and Kitty coming towards the ring here with their surgical instruments!"
"I thought you had to go to Sweden to get this operation done!"
-- Jericho yelling at the approaching women, as J.R. and Lawler comment on the situation
"Chyna and Kitty are having one heck of a time at Jericho's expense..."
"They threw a tampon at him!"
"Oh, my! That could be all right there-- and Gangrel has beaten Chris Jericho! Y2J may never want to wrestle again after the last twenty-four hours!"
"I can't believe this!"
"The experiences of Survivor Series, coupled with this humiliation tonight, not to mention the upset by Gangrel... we may have seen the last of Chris Jericho in the WWF!"
"They threw a bra and... I think a pair of panties-- look at this! Ask Chris what cup size he thinks he wants to be!"
"I think Jericho's snapped! I think-- did you see his face?"
"I think he's realizing what's in store for him..."
"Oh, Jericho's gone, Jericho's gone. Jericho has been pushed right over the edge."
-- J.R. and Lawler as Chris Jericho leaves the ring after his defeat, an expression of abject horror frozen on his face
"Hey! Oh, D-X, jeez, imagine that. Hey, thank you very much for siccing the investigators on me. They should ask you the questions, not me, okay? And just for your efforts; Road Dogg, you know what you're going to do? You and Al Snow gonna hook it up tonight. And Mr. Ass! Oh, don't feel left out, because Mr. Ass, you're going to go one-on-one with Test. Yep; oh, you're gonna break his nose, all right. And let me tell you something, Triple H! You're going to have to start all over again from the bottom rung of the ladder. Good luck with your match with Kane!"
-- Vince leaning into the D-X locker room (since when is Kane the bottom rung of the ladder?)
"Do you know of a situation in which Mr. McMahon had someone taken out?"
"Oh, absolutely not."
"No, no... wait a minute, Gerry. Do you remember, a long time ago-- well, not very long ago-- Vince, when we left him alone one time, he had US taken out! We got our asses kicked. And that's the time, if I remember well, that Stone Cold Steve Austin held him hostage."
-- a detective, Brisco, and Patterson backstage
"Hey, don't be a stooge!"
"Who's calling who a stooge here?"
"Don't interfere with one of my witnesses! Back off!"
-- Brisco to Patterson, Patterson to Brisco, and a detective to Brisco
"I don't think these guys have trouble with anyone; people have trouble with them!"
-- Lawler as the Acolytes go looking for a fight backstage
"Sexual Rice Krispie Treat"
-- sign in the crowd
"These guys came all the way from Detroit for an ass-whupping!"
-- J.R. as the Acolytes take care of business
"Do these guys know there's cops all over this building?!"
-- Lawler in a panic as the Acolytes brawl
"Hello, boys!"
"Oh, yeah!"
"Fight time again here, King!"
-- Bradshaw and Faarooq attacking the same guys backstage, plus a comment from J.R.
"He shoots... he scores!"
"Let me score that money from you that I won that last game."
"*I* won that game."
"No, I won that last game, man!"
"I had two pair!"
"What?"
"I had two pair!"
"Oh, c'mon, man..."
"You've been drinking too much!"
"Oh, you cheatin' ass... what's wrong with you?"
-- Bradshaw after tossing one of his victims into a hockey net, and his ensuing argument with Faarooq
"The Big Slow"
-- sign in the crowd
"What is Pete Gas THINKING?"
-- J.R. as Pete eats a huge chokeslam from the Big Show
"Now Joey Abs in... oh, Joey Abs must have a death wish!"
-- J.R. as Joey Abs gets the same treatment as Gas
"In short work, the Big Show has successfully retained the World Wrestling Federation championship!"
"If this guy, the Big Show, gets his mind right, J.R., I don't know who could beat him! Or if ANYBODY could beat him!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"Stop Wrestling and TALK!"
-- sign in the crowd
"Who's Booking This Crap?"
-- sign in the crowd
MICHAEL COLE: "Rock... Great One... the Big Boss Man has challenged you to a hardcore match tonight, the winner to become number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation title. Do you accept?"
(The Rock puts his hand in Michael Cole's face to shut him up)
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
THE ROCK: "Finally, the Rock, HAS COME BACK to Pittsburgh! The Rock says this. Does the Rock accept the Boss Man's challenge? Hardcore match for the WWF number one contender spot? Well, considering the mood that the Rock is in, you're damn right. That's exactly the type of match the Rock wants, exactly the type of match that makes the Rock's bacon sizzle. So you're damn right, you got--"
(The Rock glares at a pair of detectives that have come up behind Michael Cole)
DETECTIVE #1: "Excuse me..."
THE ROCK: "Speaking of bacon..."
(Michael Cole looks appropriately nervous)
DETECTIVE #1: "Are you aware that the car that hit Stone Cold was registered in your name?"
(Michael Cole's eyes go wide)
LAWLER and J.R (from ringside): "What?!"
THE ROCK: "Of course, jabronis, the Rock is aware! If you wouldn't have been aware yesterday, and not at Dunkin Donuts stuffing your faces with all the donuts..." (crowd pops) "The Rock says this-- he called it in yesterday that the Rock's car was stolen. So the Rock just wants to know..." (The Rock presents his wrists to the detectives) "Are you going to arrest the Great One?"
DETECTIVE #2: "No, you're not under arrest. We just have some questions to ask you."
THE ROCK: "Exactly, because there is no REASON to arrest the Great One. The Rock says this-- you have the nerve to come in front of the Rock and interrupt the Rock, and you two jabronis don't even have enough CLASS to introduce yourself?"
(the crowd pops)
THE ROCK (looking one of the detectives up and down): "What is your name?"
DETECTIVE #1 (extending his hand): "Detective--"
THE ROCK: "It doesn't MATTER what your name is!"
LAWLER: "Uh-oh..."
THE ROCK: "The Rock says this-- right now, as the Rock speaks, there are literally millions..."
CROWD: "And millions!"
THE ROCK: "Of Rock's fans, and if you all just know your role, SHUT your mouth; you, you, and especially you, in four seconds, they will all chant the Rock's name!"
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
LAWLER: "They didn't even wait four seconds!"
THE ROCK: "Now, seeing as you jabronis really want to find out who was driving the Rock's stolen car..."
DETECTIVE #2 (lifting his pad of paper and pen): "Yes we do, sir."
THE ROCK: "Well, the Rock has one question for you. Write this down; do you like donuts?"
(crowd pops)
DETECTIVE #2 (lowering the pad with a long-suffering expression): "Sure, we like donuts."
THE ROCK: "What's your favorite donut?"
DETECTIVE #2: "Jelly."
THE ROCK: "Oh, you like jelly. Well, jelly's a good one. The Rock says this; write this down. When you leave here, go down to Dunkin Donuts, get the biggest jelly donut you can find!"
(crowd pops louder)
LAWLER: "Oh, no... this guy's a COP!"
THE ROCK: "Write it down. Hold that jelly donut up, SQUEEZE all the jelly out, squeeze all the-- write it down; you like writing things down-- squeeze all the jelly out, and then-- write this down, you don't want to forget this-- TURN that sumbitch sideways, and stick it STRAIGHT UP your CANDY ASS!"
(crowd pops huge)
J.R.: "Man!"
LAWLER: "No respect for the law."
THE ROCK (adjusts his pants and straightens his jacket): "So the Rock says this! If you don't write anything else down, you definitely want to write this down in big bold letters; if ya smell what the Rock is cooking!"
"Don't get me wrong; I'm not exactly accusing him or anything like that, but it's just that-- it just didn't seem exactly right to me. I mean, he's supposed to be his best friend and everything, and he gets hit by a car, and then he just acted a little funny! He acted like, maybe, he knew something was up. And plus, he's been a little bit unstable as of late."
"What's this guy's name?"
"J.R.! Jim Ross! R-O-S-S, two Ss in Ross."
-- Lawler backstage talking to the detectives
"What the HELL is he talking about? Lawler excused himself-- you know, nature calls, sometimes, in these live broadcasts, but-- what the hell is he thinking? ...I cannot believe the audacity, the unmitigated audacity, of Jerry "the King" Lawler! He is an ASS for even insinuating that I would have anything to do with Stone Cold's attempted vehicular homicide! For God's sakes..."
-- J.R. fuming at ringside as the Road Dogg makes his entrance
J.R.: "We have been rejoined by-- where did you go, King?"
LAWLER: "Am I on now? Thank you for covering for me; I had to go to the restroom."
J.R.: "Oh, yeah? Why were you talking to those investigators? Two Ss? Ross?"
LAWLER (looks away pointedly): "What do you mean?"
J.R.: "What do YOU mean?"
LAWLER (adjusts his headset nervously): "They demanded that I speak to them! I went back-- I had to go to the restroom, and they stopped me, right there, and they demanded that I talk to them!"
J.R.: "How could you say that?" (shakes his finger in Lawler's face) "How could you say that about me?"
"Well, this fight is already underway here!"
-- J.R., as the Road Dogg and Al Snow don't wait for the "Let Us Take You To Last Week" video to end before attacking each other
"Wal-Mart sucks! Wal-Mart sucks! Wal-Mart sucks!"
-- chant from the crowd
"WCW Still Sucks/Russo's Overrated"
-- pair of signs in the crowd
"Al Snow's action figure! Right there you see-- that's the mannequin head, that, you know the beautician's mannequin that people use-- and somebody writes in from the Atlanta Consta-- Constitution newspaper, or-- what is it, the Atlanta Journal?"
"The Atlanta Urinal Constipation."
-- Lawler and J.R. discussing the pulling of Al Snow's action figure
"So Al Snow gets distraught because Wal-Mart pulls his dolls, or, his action figures... it's not like they were flying off the shelves anyway!"
-- Lawler
"If you can't beat it... suck it"
-- the back of Road Dogg's shirt (I can't help it... LOL!!)
(Mankind is in the ring, trying to cheer Al Snow up after his loss to the Road Dogg)
MANKIND: "Al, the important thing is, Pittsburgh still loves you!" (crowd pops) "Well, maybe they never really loved you, but I think they still like you and more importantly, *I* like you! And I think that me, Mankind, and the city of Pittsburgh can help cheer you up! So if everybody would sing along with me, let's make a man very happy!" (begins to sing) "For he's a jol-ly good FEL-low, for he's a jol-ly good FEL-low..."
(Al Snow eyes the arena nervously as they begin to sing along)
LAWLER: "You have GOT to be kidding me."
MANKIND (slightly off-key): "For he's a jol-ly good fel-LOW, which nobody can deny!"
LAWLER: "They're really singing along!"
J.R.: "Well, he's an author, not a singer."
(Al Snow grabs Mankind in a huge hug)
MANKIND (hugging Al in return with an angelic smile): "Which no-body CAN deny..."
LAWLER: "Okay, that's enough!"
(Mankind sticks the microphone down in front of Al's face)
AL SNOW (brokenly): "Which nobody candeny..."
J.R.: "How many more verses?"
"I talked to the office and they agree that you and I both need a vacation! So we are going to the city that never sleeps, the city of lost angels, Las Vegas! And we are gonna party like it's 1999!"
"It IS 1999, you moron!"
-- Mankind (a little off on his city descriptors), with a comment from Lawler
"Taker U Are Missed"
-- sign in the crowd (come back to us soon, Undertaker!)
(Backstage, a cameraman is wandering around. A woman can be heard screaming in the background.)
JERICHO (off-camera): "Hey, fat boy! Hey, hey!" (turns the camera to face him and begins dragging the cameraman forward) "Come here, follow me. I'll show you something you've never seen before. You want to film some action? You want entertainment? This is a Y2J special; come on in here. No matter what happens, you keep filming, understand me?"
(Inside a darkened room, Jericho has a screaming Chyna firmly duct-taped to a chair)
CHYNA: "Help me, please!"
J.R. (from ringside): "Oh, my God!"
JERICHO (pacing around as Chyna stares at him, and growing steadily more unstable throughout): "This isn't too funny of a situation, is it, Chyna, hmm? It's not as funny as walking to the ring with some hedge clippers, maybe, making some penis jokes with your little buddy? It's not so funny anymore, is it; not as funny as causing me to lose another match in front of millions of people and embarrassing me again? Not as funny as embarrassing me like you did yesterday? Huh? You know, when you beat me yesterday, you know what happened to me? I couldn't call my family, I couldn't call my friends, all I heard-- I couldn't sleep-- all I heard was the jeering, and the cheering of a bunch of idiotic fans, and the ringing of the bell after you beat me one-two-three that stupid ringing, of, that stupid bell! You know, Chyna, that was just a victory for you yesterday, you know that? To me it was a loss, but much more than a loss. I lost my career yesterday, I lost the match, I lost nine years of hard work, thrown away when that stupid bell rang! I still hear it in my head, right now, Chyna. You know... you understand?"
(Jericho picks up a hammer lying nearby)
JERICHO: "What I want you to do right now is I want you to admit to everybody that I'm not just cannon fodder for a woman; I want you to admit that yesterday I was BETTER than you, and *I* should be the champion, not you! Tell everybody! Tell them that I should be the champion! TELL THEM!" (grabs the back of her neck to force her head up) "You understand me; tell them!"
CHYNA: "Screw you, Chris."
JERICHO: "No, screw YOU, Chyna! I am NOT-- I-- you tell these people what I want you to tell them; that yesterday, *I* was the better man! You tell them, or you will be sorry, you understand me?" (lifts the hammer threateningly) "You tell them. Tell them! TELL THEM!"
CHYNA: "You expect me to believe that if I lie to you, and tell you that you're the better person, Chris, that you're not gonna do it? You do what you have to do."
JERICHO (lowers the hammer, looking shocked): "Well... I guess you called my bluff; I guess you are the better one... I could never... could never... hit a defenseless person.... I guess you really are the better person; I could never do--"
(Jericho suddenly begins slamming the hammer down on her hand as she screams)
JERICHO: "Get that on tape!"
LAWLER (from ringside): "What's he DOING?!"
J.R.: "God almighty; did you-- oh... GOD!"
"I Ran Over Austin"
-- sign in the crowd
"Oh my God, what did he do?"
-- Miss Kitty as the medics tend to Chyna
"Chyna Is a MAN, Baby"
-- sign in the crowd
"I'll tell you what, I've seen a lot of horrible, ridiculous things in my life..."
-- J.R. (referring to the Chyna/Jericho incident, but don't tell ME it was coincidence that the "Assman" music started right at that precise moment)
"Test is here looking to get him a piece of ass!"
-- J.R. as Test squares off against Billy Gunn (here it comes again... LOL!!)
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
-- J.R. to Lawler as the Lawler-implicates-Ross issue comes up again
"What do you think Stephanie thinks of Test being in the ring this soon after that broken nose?"
"I'm sure she's concerned..."
"Sure; what are the wedding pictures going to look like?"
-- Lawler and J.R.
"Hey, where's the championship? Where's the championship?"
-- Vince McMahon on commentary, taunting Triple H
"I think it's a little bit personal when they start making remarks about, y'know, my daughter and things of that nature, yeah! And I think it's a little personal when they pretend to do harm to Stephanie; I take that personally! I have a tendency to take things personally; have you noticed that?!"
-- Vince McMahon on the "personal" side of his war with D-X
"Let's face it-- Triple H IS good. There's no question about that; let's give the devil his due. But he's not NEARLY as good as he thinks he is."
-- Vince McMahon
"C'mon, dammit!"
-- the ref getting angry at Triple H
"The Big Red Machine is getting back vertical, and that ain't good news for Triple H!"
-- J.R.
"Hey, Kane is a former WWF champion too, by the way!"
"Look, we're trying to talk about Triple H, here."
-- J.R. and Lawler
"Wait a minute, Vince; I wouldn't go up there!"
"It's that old Irish temper... Vince is in the ring!"
-- Lawler and J.R. as Vince goes after Triple H
"Look at McMahon direct traffic! The chokeslam from hell!"
"He's like a cheerleader out there!"
-- J.R. and Lawler as Kane delivers a nasty chokeslam to Triple H
"He got him some on the FORMER WWF champion..."
"You love saying that, don't you?"
-- J.R. and Lawler recapping the events of the Triple H/Kane match
"Do you smell what the Rock is fixin' to cook, J.R.?"
"The Rock is looking to lay the smackdown, and it's not even Thursday night!"
-- Lawler and J.R. as the Rock comes to the ring for the main event
"RAW is F'N WAR"
-- sign in the crowd (take that, ECW)
"The Rock already had his problems once tonight with cops... now he's gotta deal with the Boss Man!"
-- Lawler
"The Rock just hit the Boss Man in the face with that glass pitcher!"
-- The Rock getting physical outside the ring
"Smile, Boss Man!"
-- Lawler and J.R. as the Rock grabs a ringside photographer's camera and snaps a few shots of a stunned Boss Man
"That was a hell of a Kodak moment!"
-- J.R.
"The Rock is whipping the Boss Man like a government mule here!"
-- J.R.
"Can We Hit the Rock's Bottom?"
-- sign in the crowd
"Lawler You Perv"
-- sign in the crowd
"Prince Albert's doing more harm than good out here!"
-- Lawler as Prince Al, a run-in, keeps accidentally hitting the Boss Man
"The Boss Man has upset the Rock!"
"You know what this means? The Big Boss Man is the number one contender now for the WWF title!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"The Rock has gone nuts here! The Rock is out of control!"
-- J.R. as the Rock goes on a post-match rampage
"The referee gets a rock bottom!"
-- J.R. as the crowd finally gets back into it
"I've never seen the Rock in this state, King! These men are hurt; they're a bloody mess!"
"Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
"Listen to these people-- they want more blood!"
-- J.R., the crowd, and Lawler
"Nobody wants to get near the Rock, and the Boss Man can't get far enough away!"
-- J.R.
"Go up there, J.R.; try and stop him!"
"No way in hell!"
-- Lawler and J.R.
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