Quotes: RAW is WAR
December 20, 1999 - Christmas Edition
Live from the Compaq Center, Houston, TX - sold out
Stephanie and Triple H continue their unchecked stint of creative booking through numerous backstage vignettes. Handicap match: Test vs. New Age Outlaws. Matt Hardy/Edge vs. Christian/Jeff Hardy; Terri at ringside. Triple H/Stephanie beat up on J.R.; Mankind stops them. Kurt Angle vs. Viscera; Steve Blackman interferes. The Fabulous Moolah/Mae Young vs. the Dudley Boyz vs. the Acolytes; Mark Henry interferes. Mankind interview. Boiler Room brawl: Mankind vs. Santa Claus; D-X interferes. WWF Intercontinental championship: Chris Jericho (C) vs. the Godfather (w/ hos); Chyna interferes. Holiday Topless Top Rope match: Val Venis (represented by B.B.) vs. Hardcore Holly (w/ Crash Holly and represented by Terri). B.B. strips, Triple H covers. Brahma Bull Rope match: the Rock vs. Al Snow (w/ Head and a new entrance video and theme); New Age Outlaws interfere. The Mean Street Posse vs. Tool Cool/Rikishi Phatu. WWF Championship, no-DQ: the Big Show (C) vs. Kane (w/ Tori); Triple H, Stephanie, Tori, New Age Outlaws interfere.
(We open backstage with Triple H and Stephanie relaxing on a large leather couch. They are in a fancy office, lavishly decorated for the holidays. Behind them, the Mean Street Posse stands like a trio of bookends, tuxedoed and ready to attend to every need of the Helmsleys. Steph is in a slinky black heelish number with an oversized Santa hat on her head)
TRIPLE H: "I'll tell ya what... as the holidays approach, I definitely am getting in the holiday spirit. Are you?"
STEPHANIE: "Well of-- can't you tell?" (fools with the Santa hat) "I mean, I've got my Santa hat on, we've got all the decorations... thank you VERY much for helping me decorate the tree."
TRIPLE H: "It's the least I could do. But everybody else in the WWF just doesn't seem to have any holiday spirit!"
STEPHANIE: "They DON'T!"
TRIPLE H: "What's going on with that?"
(Behind the happy couple, the Posse do a rather entertaining job of mirroring whatever emotions Triple H and Steph happen to be expressing at the moment)
STEPHANIE: "I don't know... I guess we're gonna be the ones to have to GIVE, as always."
TRIPLE H: "As always; give give give; that's all we do."
STEPHANIE: "Give give give; that's all we do; the McMahon Helmsley era."
TRIPLE H: "Well, I'll tell ya what-- the McMahon Helmsley era, as of right now, is gonna start giving until it hurts."
STEPHANIE (looking intrigued): "Oooh!"
CROWD (faint, but quickly growing stronger): "Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
TRIPLE H: "Starting right here tonight. I've got a feeling this is gonna be a very RAW Christmas show."
(Stephanie wrinkles her nose in evil-grin agreement)
PETE GAS (leaning over to pat Triple H on the shoulder): "All right, raw Christmas!"
(The other Posse members also congratulate the Helmsleys as the couple turns)
TRIPLE H (glaring up at the Posse): "Hey, shut up!"
STEPHANIE: "Rodney, could you get me a water, please?"
RODNEY (as he and the other Posse members scramble): "Oh, sure, Steph!"
TRIPLE H: "Get it, monkey, and hurry, too!"
"Happy holidays, everybody, and welcome to WWF RAW, live from the sold-out Compaq Center, deep in the heart of Texas; we are in Houston! I'm Jim Ross alongside Michael Hayes; Jerry Lawler is in Los Angeles tonight for the premiere of "Man on the Moon." And it sounds like, Michael, that it's gonna be a very RAW Christmas show according to Stephanie McMahon Helmsley and her husband."
-- J.R. kicking us off; you can tell this show will suffer on commentary because Hayes doesn't even TRY to reply to this... way to drop the ball!! Where's Kevin Kelly?!
"M-R A-S-S"
-- huge sign in the crowd (first sign I've seen for Mr. Ass in... well, ever)
"Marry Me HHH"
-- sign in the crowd
"Stephanie Belongs On the Ho Train"
-- sign in the crowd
"Here comes Test's Christmas present from the McMahon Helmsley era! A handicap match!"
-- J.R. as the New Age Outlaws enter
"...It's that D-O-double-G! Rolling once again with that B-A-double-D... by the way... happy birthday to Nan-cy!"
-- Road Dogg (who's Nancy, anyway?)
"Now, I know that you are well aware, but I want to let all these blithering idiots here in Texas know that myself and Badd Ass Billy Gunn are the WWF Tag Team Champions of the WOOOORRRLLLD..."
-- Road Dogg (actually getting big heat for once!) distracting Test as Mr. Ass sets up a sneak attack
"Test, just about-- a little over a month ago, was scheduled to marry Stephanie McMahon in THAT VERY RING... in, Anaheim California..."
-- J.R.
"Right now, Test has gotta fight two men, and they are the finest tag team in the history of the WWF!"
-- J.R. on the New Age Outlaws
"I don't know if the Compaq Center's going to be standing by the time this night is over! We are live; anything can happen when we are live!"
-- J.R. building suspense
"Merry Christmas, Test!"
-- Stephanie (sounding appropriately evil), watching the handicap match from backstage
"I get BUTTERFLIES when you do that to me!"
-- Triple H to Stephanie after she whispers in his ear
"Hey, you got any of that ostrich jerky left, before you go?"
-- Triple H calling after Kurt Angle (is this an inside joke or what?)
"J.R., you know how they say it! That that does not kill us will make us stronger, and Triple H is just trying to raise the bar for Edge and Christian, and Matt and Jeff Hardy!"
-- Michael Hayes (finally getting a quotable statement in here) as Edge and Matt Hardy get set to square off against Christian and Jeff Hardy
"Man, what a... high-risk maneuver by Jeff Hardy..."
-- J.R. (as 'Net columnist Hyatte said, trans.: "I don't know what to call it but it was cool!")
"Oh my, what a... what a... tandem set of moves there..."
-- J.R. (see above)
"Terrrrri! Terrrrri! Terrrrri!"
-- the crowd during the MH/Edge vs. JH/Christian match
"Well, THAT was a great move."
-- Hayes as Christian accidentally wipes out Jeff Hardy, his partner, in the heat of the moment
"Oh, a dropkick! Edge went over the top!"
-- J.R. as Jeff dropkicks Edge over the ringpost and sends him crashing into the steps
"One of the greatest, most creative matches we've seen on RAW in a long time!"
-- Hayes (I wouldn't go THAT far)
"I believe Matt Hardy might have suffered a busted nose... that's in the spirit of giving!"
-- Hayes as Matt requires Edge, Christian, his brother, Terri, and the ref to help him up; crowd offers a nice pop
"Terri's quite the little ornament herself!"
-- J.R. channeling the spirit of Lawler
"We ran them down!"
-- Pete Gas, explaining to the Helmsleys how he and the rest of the Posse caught Moolah and Mae
"You know, you guys have been a part of my family for generations!"
"And generations, and generations, and generations, and..."
-- Stephanie and Triple H backstage, addressing Moolah and Mae
"Look at this, a nice bottle... oooh, easy there!"
-- Triple H as Mae lunges for his alcohol
"You're the McMahon family, and you are a disgrace to them!"
"You guys are a disgrace to Depends undergarments!"
-- Moolah yelling at Steph, and Triple H yelling at Moolah
"Oh no... oh no..."
-- J.R. stressing as the Helmsleys head ringside to give him his Christmas present
"Now, see, that's much better. That is the type of picture that a magazine like Entertainment Weekly should use to grace their pages; don't you think, J.R.?"
-- Triple H as the screens on either side of the TitanTron flash up rather ghoulish pictures of Triple H and Steph, as the pair attempt to "spruce the place up" for the holidays
"Sixteen thousand strong, chanting the name of the Electrified One..."
-- Hayes as the crowd does a boisterous "Rock-y" chant during Triple H's spiel
"It's live, but I'll wait all damn night!"
-- Triple H's heated response to said crowd
"Slut! Slut! Slut!"
-- crowd chant to Stephanie
"J.R., are you all right? Are you okay, J.R.? That HAD to be humiliating!"
"Well, hell yes!"
-- Hayes and J.R. as Ross makes his way back to the announcers' table
"In the words of Popeye the sailor, "I've stands all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!"
-- Mankind, entering to confront Triple H and Stephanie
"I'm asking you, Triple H-- why don't you pick on somebody your own size?" (crowd pop) "You see, I've stood silent; I've watched this piece of crap you call the "McMahon-Helmsley era," and until now I've stayed silent; sure, I've wrapped a trash can around your buddies' heads, but I've kept my mouth shut. So I'm out here tonight-- in Houston, Texas..." (crowd pops) "...to tell you flat out that I think the McMahon-Helmsley era... kinda sucks!" (crowd pop) "And as far as you, Stephanie... the gall you have to defame the good name of Santa Claus with a hat like that... well... I know Santa walks around saying "ho ho ho..." (BIG crowd pop) "...but I'm not exactly sure you're the type of ho he had in mind!"
-- Mankind
"Mick? I just wanted to say... Merry Christmas."
-- Stephanie slapping the hell out of Mankind
"They make me SICK! Fellow human beings that they are, they make me SICK!"
-- J.R. on the Helmsleys
"J.R., let me ask you-- do you think..."
-- Hayes (he finishes the question about thirty seconds later)
"Viscera will NOT fit in a Christmas stocking."
-- J.R.
"Mae Young-- she may kick my butt for this, but she was born in 1923! When Mae Young was eighteen years of age, she was wrestling professionally; she was in Memphis, Tennessee, when World War II broke out!"
-- J.R.
"Moolah and Mae [are] double-teaming Buh Buh Ray! They may cure his speech impediment!"
-- J.R.
"You don't mess with Sexual Chocolate's woman!"
-- Hayes as Mark Henry flies to ringside to help Mae
"What am I supposed to do to prove what a tough guy I am? Do I slap him in his cheeks that are like roses? Do I kick him in his dimples so merry; or better yet, do I put a big boot to his nose which is just like a cherry? Does that make me a tough guy? BETTER yet, maybe Mankind, the KING of the boiler room, should give him a big KNEE to his little round belly and watch it shake like a bowlful of jelly!"
-- Mankind discussing his unhappiness with being forced to take on Santa Claus in a boiler room brawl match
"Wait, did-- did I just get my ass kicked by the Mean Street Posse? THAT'S embarrassing..."
-- Mankind after being jumped by the MSP and shoved into the boiler room
"I'll put you over; don't worry about that, Santa!"
-- Mankind
"What the hell; there's two more! How many Santa Clauses are there?"
-- J.R. as Santa after Santa pops up to confront Mankind in the boiler room
"I think I recognize those lefts and rights, J.R..."
-- Hayes as the Santas, revealed as the Outlaws, put Mankind through a table
"Chest-nuts roasting on an open fire..."
-- Mankind singing (and sounding a bit demented) as he advances on the fallen Outlaws with weapon raised
"And I heard him exclaim as he rose out of sight, "I've got two words for you-- suck it!"
-- Triple H, also in Santa suit, wiping out Mankind
"I'd know that nose anywhere; that's Triple H, Michael!"
-- J.R.
"I'm gonna take that bell, I'm gonna polish it up real nice, I'm gonna turn it sideways, and then I'm gonna BEAT HIM ON THE HEAD, REPEATEDLY--"
"Al, Al! Could you describe it in the hallway, please?"
-- Al Snow and Triple H backstage, as Al gets psyched up for his match with the Rock
"Holiday hos are amongst us!"
-- J.R. as the Godfather hits the ring
"Somebody's gotta tell me what the relationship is between that woman, Chyna, and that man, the Intercontinental champion, Chris Jericho!"
-- J.R. as Chyna again interferes to help Y2J retain his gold
"B.B., you're going to be with Val Venis tonight. Terri, you're going to be with Hardcore Holly. You guys are going to get to be a part of history, as tonight, you take part in the first-ever Holiday Topless Top-Rope Match!" (crowd pops) "The point of the match is, one guy throws his opponent over the top rope. When he touches the floor, his girl loses an article of clothing. The match continues until one guy's girl is topless!"
-- Triple H as sponsors across the country swoon
"May the breast woman win!"
-- Triple H
"Hello, ladies! Y'know somethin' ladies; you women are a lot like Christmas trees. Y'know... you smell good... you're pretty to look at... but you never really feel special until I plug it in and light you up!"
"...And Merry Christmas to YOU, Val."
-- Val Venis and J.R.
"All Triple H is trying to do here is gain favor with the male audience!"
-- a very astute comment from J.R.
"My God, if King were here, he'd be having a stroke by now!"
-- another astute comment from J.R.
"Okay, gentlemen have hit the floor! Ladies, start removing-- Terri, SHOES are not considered clothing." (crowd pops) "So let's get to taking off the dresses! Come on, we don't have all day. I'm sure if you just grab the bottom and pull it will come off over your head..."
-- Triple H
"The male demographics have just grown!"
-- J.R. (catch the double meaning?) as a reluctant Terri and B.B. strip
"I am a god among men..."
-- a cheerful Triple H, flanked by Terri in red underwear and B.B. in black, both looking sour
"The winner... if anybody cares... is gonna meet the Intercontinental champion Thursday on SmackDown!"
-- J.R. as the Holiday Topless Top Rope match continues
"It comes off! C'mon, honey!"
-- a fan at ringside yelling advice to B.B.
"Let those puppies free!"
-- Triple H to B.B.
"You might want to put the women and children to bed, folks..." -- J.R.
"What's that old Christmas carol... "Do you see what I see?" No you don't, because you're a bunch of idiots, and I'm the only one that gets the show!"
"Well, do you hear what *I* hear? YOU'RE AN ASS! YOU'RE A JACKASS, HELMSLEY!"
-- Triple H keeping the B.B. striptease all to himself, and J.R. losing it at ringside
"Finally, the ROCK, HAS COME BACK to Houston!" (big pop) "Jabroni, the Rock realizes what type of match is at hand... a bullrope match... so the Rock says, you've left him with two choices. The first choice is that the Rock gracefully bow out, walk up the ramp, and you're declared the winner of the match." (crowd heat) "The second choice..." (crowd pop) "...seeing as the Rock is the Brahma bull and we are in the great state of Texas..." (major pop) "...the Rock figured he'd step down from the ropes, just like this... step through the ropes, just like this... surrounded by the millions..."
"...AND MILLIONS..."
"...of Rock's fans, the Rock says he'll just whip your monkey ass all over Houston!"
-- the Rock (with a little fan help in there), prior to his match with Al Snow
"The Rock just turned Al inside-out with a clothesline!"
-- J.R.
"Four minutes..."
-- the ref, keeping Al and the Rock apprised on the status of their match
"Damn D-X! Damn Triple H!"
-- J.R. as Al Snow upsets the Rock
" The Posse's chestnuts may be roasting on an open fire here tonight!"
-- J.R. as the Mean Street Posse find themselves in the ring against Too Cool and Rikishi Phatu
"Look at the DIMPLES on that ass!"
-- Hayes as Rikishi goes up for his buttdriver finisher, and the crowd goes nuts
"Rikishi! Rikishi! Rikishi!"
-- chant from the crowd, encouraging Rikishi and Too Cool to bust a move in the ring
"That ain't gonna quit shaking for days, J.R.!"
-- Hayes as Rikishi dances and wiggles his rear
"No disqualification, J.R.!"
"I know what no DQ means, Michael!"
-- Hayes and J.R. getting on each other's nerves as the main event rolls on
"What the hell; while you're at it, why not make it falls-count-anywhere?"
-- Triple H making up the rules as he goes, while the Big Show and Kane brawl into the crowd
"What a predicament Tori's in! She doesn't know whether to buy a Christmas present for X-Pac or Kane!"
-- Hayes referring to the stips of the main event match (X-Pac gets Tori for the holidays if Kane loses)
"You better move!"
"Uh-oh, look out!"
"What?"
"
"He said to move!"
-- the Big Show, J.R., and Hayes as Show puts Kane through the announcers' table
"There goes Tori Pac!"
-- Hayes as the Outlaws haul Tori off
"I'd just like to say that this has been a lot of fun for us, and I'd like to wish the world watching, including you, Tori, and to our bro X-Pac... have a very RAW Christmas!"
-- Triple H
"WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE WWF? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE WWF?!"
-- J.R.
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