Quotes: SmackDown!
December 23, 1999 - Christmas edition
Taped 12/21/99 from Reunion Arena, Dallas, TX - sold out
Mankind and Stephanie address the roster backstage. WWF Intercontinental Championship: Chris Jericho (C) vs. Hardcore Holly (w/ Crash Holly); Chyna, Miss Kitty interfere. Backstage, the Outlaws and Triple H stress over current developments. Steph recruits Kane as her bodyguard. Rikishi Phatu vs. Viscera; Tazz promo; Too Cool runs out afterwards to dance. The Rock interview. Road Dogg vs. Test. Stephanie/Triple H confrontation backstage. Kurt Angle vs. Edge; Steve Blackman interferes. Cage match: Al Snow vs. the Rock. WWF Women's Championship, no-DQ: Miss Kitty (C) vs. Ivory; Chyna assists. Christian/Jeff Hardy vs. Kaientai (w/ the Mean Street Posse). Kane vs. Billy "Mr. Ass" Gunn. Mark Henry (w/ Mae Young and Moolah) vs. Buh Buh Ray Dudley (w/ D-Von Dudley). WWF Championship: the Big Show (C) vs. Mankind with Triple H in a cage above the ring; develops into MAJOR clusterfrick.
(Backstage, another roster meeting is going on. Various wrestlers stand or sit, engaged in [for the most part] friendly conversation. Pretty much the same folks from last time; however, no Kane, no Rock, and no D-X. Mankind steps to a podium at the front of the room.)
MANKIND: "Excuse me! Excuse me! Attention, please!"
(the crowd, watching on the OvalTron, pops)
MANKIND: "Can I have everybody's attention, just for a second, please?"
(the room quiets)
MANKIND: "This should only take a couple minutes. I've been here quite a while; I like to think I have, at least, the respect of a lot of you, and your attention for a couple of minutes while I address something that's going on that I know *I* don't like; I don't think many of you care for either, and I'm talking specifically about the... "McMahon-Helmsley era" [error?] in the WWF."
(the wrestlers shift and mumble, clearly not pleased with the WWF's current leadership)
MANKIND: "Yeah, that's right. Frankly, I think this new era STINKS."
(the wrestlers nod and murmur in the affirmative, giving Mankind their undivided attention)
MANKIND: "I'm probably not the only one who walked away from the arena on Monday night, feeling a little bit foolish for letting Triple H order me to have a match. I mean, who the hell is Triple H OR Stephanie McMahon to order any of us to have matches, right?"
(positive rumbles from the wrestlers; crowd pop)
MANKIND: "Tell me what the new McMahon-Helmsley era has done? Matt Hardy. One of the most talented young wrestlers in this company just called from the hospital."
(camera shot of Jeff Hardy listening to Mankind, with Terri beside him)
MANKIND: "He has a cracked cheekbone and a broken nose. We don't know when he'll wrestle; Test, you've got a broken nose of your own."
(camera shot of Test, flanked by Val Venis, Buh Buh Ray, and Thrasher)
MANKIND: "Enough said, right? Mark Henry, Mark. Is there any excuse for what happened to Mae Young on Monday night?
(camera shot of Mark with Mae in his lap; D-Von [one of Mae's attackers Monday] is sitting in front of them and chuckling)
MANKIND: "You're damn right; there's no excuse for what happened to Mae Young. Then we had this... top rope topless match going on; to me was just a cheap excuse to see as much cleavage from Terri Runnels and B.B...."
(camera shots briefly show the two girls as Mankind is drowned out by cheers from the [95% male] roster. Jeff Hardy flicks his eyebrows a bit)
MANKIND: "All right, that one was pretty cool. But I think we're all in agreement that-- do any of us really need to see the Mean Street Posse seven times in a single evening?"
(big "NO!" yells from the wrestlers as the cameras focus on the confused-looking Posse members)
MANKIND: "Hey Pete, Rodney... no offense, but you guys should probably be cutting our lawns about this stage in your career, okay? So what I guess I'm saying, is I feel pretty much the same way that probably a lot of you do, the same way Dee Snyder [??] probably felt all those years ago when he said, "We're not going to take it, no, we're not going to take it; we're not going to take it--"
(Mankind points at his audience)
THE ROSTER: "Anymore!"
MANKIND: "You're damn right we're not!"
(the wrestlers hoot and holler as the cameras suddenly focus on Stephanie McMahon, who has walked in from the back. She makes her way past Jericho, Kurt Angle, and Crash Holly on her way to the front of the room; the others quiet as the crowd gets hot)
MANKIND: "Wait, wait; wait, we've got a guest here! A party-crasher! Steph, I see that stern look on your face but with all due respect to your parents and your brother Shane... what the hell are YOU doing at our meeting?"
STEPHANIE: "What the hell am *I* doing here? What the hell are YOU doing here, and what the hell are ALL of you doing here?"
MANKIND: "Well, I think it's called--"
STEPHANIE: "What is this, some kind of mutiny?"
MANKIND: "--a mutiny, Stephanie; I think it's called a mutiny; you're damn right it is!"
(the other wrestlers begin to murmur, rallying behind Mankind again)
MANKIND: "We don't like the way things are going--"
STEPHANIE: "You know what, Mick?"
MANKIND: "--and we're not going to take it. What?"
STEPHANIE: "You know what? This happens to be MY company. This is my family's company, with all due respect to all of my family, so Mick, excuse me, please step aside; I need to explain a couple of things."
(Mankind steps back as Stephanie takes over the podium)
STEPHANIE (addressing the roster): "I've only been in control for about two weeks, and I've made some mistakes."
MANKIND: "Some mistakes. Yeah."
STEPHANIE (glaring at Mankind): "My BIGGEST mistake has been listening to Triple H." (turns back to the wrestlers) "But that is no longer. This is no longer the McMahon-Helmsley era; this is the McMahon era. It's back to business."
(crowd pop)
STEPHANIE: "So, first of all--"
MANKIND: "And we're supposed to believe you, Steph?"
STEPHANIE: "It doesn't matter. I don't care if you believe me or not. I'm going to prove it."
MANKIND: "How?"
STEPHANIE: "Test, tonight. You're going to take on the Road Dogg, alone."
(cameras focus on Test, who shifts in his seat and seems fairly pleased; Prince Albert claps him on the shoulder)
MANKIND: "D-X has a habit of kinda sticking together, don't they?"
STEPHANIE: "Well, you're going to have to wait and see. The Rock is going to take on Al Snow."
(crowd pops)
MANKIND: "That's great, but we saw that match Monday; we had half the roster involved at the end of it."
STEPHANIE: "Well, it wasn't in a steel cage. Tonight's matchup is in a steel cage. And Mick... Hunter and I have taken out a lot of abuse on you--"
MANKIND: "Including you slapping me, right?"
STEPHANIE: "Yep. You called me a ho; you deserved it. You're going to take on the Big Show tonight, championship match."
(crowd pops as the wrestlers murmur amongst themselves, sounding impressed)
STEPHANIE: "The match is not only for the World Wrestling Federation championship, but just to prove there is no allegiance between Hunter and I, he'll be suspended fifteen feet above the ring in his own personal cell."
(the wrestlers cheer and applaud at this)
STEPHANIE: "Mick, Big Show... whatever's left of you guys; whoever's the champion; it doesn't matter. You can have at it with Hunter. And there will be five invitees; Test, Edge and Christian, and the Hardy Boyz, and whatever's left... you can pick up the scraps!"
(Stephanie leaves as the wrestlers stare at each other, wide-eyed)
"Well, you heard it, folks! The Rock is scheduled to meet Al Snow in a cage! Mankind ready to take on the Big Show with the WWF title on the line, and Triple H watching the match from a private cell! We welcome you to WWF SmackDown! on UPN. Happy holidays, everybody!"
-- Michael Cole, kicking us off
"Vince Come Back"
-- sign in the crowd
"Drop the Chalupa"
-- sign in the crowd
"I Just Farted"
-- sign in the crowd
"(H)unter (H)as (H)erpes"
-- sign in the crowd
"I tell ya, Michael... you talked about the big matches we're going to have on SmackDown tonight, but the most important thing is we almost had a mutiny! Stephanie McMahon had to step in to quell the uprising!"
-- Jerry "the King" Lawler (SO good to have him back)
"Now that we're in the midst of the holiday season, Burl Ives [??] tells us to have a holly, jolly Christmas. Well, there ain't gonna be nothing jolly about Bob Holly's Christmas after he receives a yuletide beating from the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-ah, because tonight, I'm gonna deck THESE halls with the goofballs of Holly!"
-- Chris Jericho
"I think Chris Jericho may have a future with Hallmark someday!"
-- Lawler on Jericho's above spiel
"Can you imagine Christmas in THAT household?"
-- Michael Cole, referring to Crash and Hardcore Holly
"Again, Chyna has come to the aid of the Intercontinental champion! For what purpose? For what reason?"
"I don't KNOW, Michael!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
(Backstage, Triple H and the Outlaws are sitting at a table in a locker room. None of them appear exceedingly happy.)
ROAD DOGG (addressing Triple H, who has a hand over his eyes): "Stephanie is no good!"
MR. ASS: "Yes!"
ROAD DOGG: "We've been telling you that. She's got me in a match with Test tonight; by myself!"
MR. ASS: "And there's no telling what she's got in store for me, let alone you, fifteen foot, all by yourself in that cage! You should be going after the World Wrestling Federation title."
ROAD DOGG: "You're married to the girl, ain't ya?"
TRIPLE H (leaning back in his chair and holding his head): "Yeah, well, marriage is marriage. This is business. Just let me think, okay?"
(Road Dogg runs a hand down his face, not looking hopeful)
TRIPLE H: "There's gotta be a way out of this; just let me think about it. I've got to come up with something; let me think."
"Now I realize why X-Pac was wearing that mistletoe belt buckle!"
-- Lawler, after hearing that Tori is being forced to spend the holidays with X-Pac
"Monday night, you can have X-Pac in any type of match that you want; you can have any member of D-X, for that matter. But I've got to make it to Monday night. I know D-X is going to come after me; I KNOW Hunter is going to come after me. I need you to stay by my side; I need you to be here to protect me."
-- Stephanie backstage, recruiting Kane as her bodyguard for the evening
"Look at your face; you're orange!"
"Well, you are too."
"Everything IN here's orange!"
"Somebody or something trying to make a statement--"
"The mousse in your hair's orange!"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole during a Tazz promo
"Nearly a thousand pounds of meat in that ring!"
-- Michael Cole as Viscera and Rikishi square off
"These two guys are what a cannibal would love to get for Christmas!"
-- Lawler on Viscera and Rikishi
"These guys are more welcome than the big fat man in the red suit!"
"They are on their feet in Reunion Arena!"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole as the crowd pops for Too Cool and Rikishi's dance moves
"He'd never get down a chimney, would he?"
-- Lawler on Rikishi
(Backstage, Jonathan Coachman has the task of attempting to interview the Rock)
COACH: "Y'know, Rock, after what happened to you Monday night, you have to have retribution--"
(The Rock lifts a finger to shut him up, then basks in the screams from the crowd for a minute)
THE ROCK (taking the mic): "Finally, the ROCK, HAS COME BACK to Dallas!"
(huge crowd pop)
THE ROCK: "As we look back on the millennium, and some of the greatest days that have taken place... the day Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity with his kite. The day Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon. And the day the Rock turned his head and raised the People's Eyebrow..."
(raises eyebrow to crowd pop)
THE ROCK: "...Thus declaring the Rock, now and forever, the people's champion."
(big pop)
THE ROCK: "And as we look back on some of the worst days, on that fateful dreaded night, the night Mrs. Snow gave birth to Al Snow, one of the biggest pieces of monkey crap walking God's green earth!"
(big pop)
THE ROCK: "Al Snow, the Rock says this-- it took not one, not two, but THREE jabronis to beat the Rock last Monday on RAW. But the Rock says, that's okay. Tonight's a different night, and a different show. This is SmackDown, the Rock's show. So the ROCK says..."
(pause for huge chant)
CROWD: "Rock-y! Rock-y! Rock-y!"
THE ROCK: "This is SmackDown, the Rock's show. The Rock says, he is gonna do to you EXACTLY what he does best, inside of a fifteen-foot steel cage; the people's cage. The Rock says, he's gonna layeth the smacketh down on your candy ass! And the Rock says, he will deliver THE most electrifying move in sports entertainment, the people's elbow. One... two... three. Merry Christmas, jabroni!"
(assumes the position)
THE ROCK: "IF YA SMEEEEEEEEE..."
(at the top of the metal stairs behind the Rock, some guy comes out, spies the Rock, and quickly makes himself scarce)
THE ROCK: "..EEELLLLLALALALOW! What the ROCK... is cooking."
"These people seem to be down with that!"
-- Lawler as the crowd pops for Road Dogg's spiel
"You can't go out there. I'm just telling you, I haven't figured this thing out yet, all right? So let's just wait; let's just see-- Dogg can handle himself!"
-- Triple H backstage to Mr. Ass, preventing an anxious Billy Gunn from going out to help his partner
"(W)e (C)an't (W)restle"
-- sign in the crowd
"Rockin' around the Christmas tree... ooch!"
-- Lawler as Road Dogg tries his punch combination, but gets walloped by Test
"Test climbing the ropes... he's not gonna deliver an elbow from there; Road Dogg's halfway across the ring!"
-- Michael Cole as Test nails one of his hang-time elbows to the Dogg
"He's reached a boiling point, and the Road Dogg hightailing it!"
-- Michael Cole as Test goes after Road Dogg with a chair
"I can't take this... let's go, right now. We're gonna have a little confrontation with Mrs. Helmsley!"
-- Triple H
(Backstage, Steph sits in her office. A stoic Kane stands beside her, arms folded. A knock comes suddenly.)
STEPHANIE (looking up at Kane, sarcastically): "I wonder who THAT could be." (sing-song voice) "Come in!"
(Triple H enters, the Outlaws trailing behind)
STEPHANIE: "Oh, look, it's my husband."
(Kane charges suddenly, and D-X begins to scatter in terror. Stephanie rushes up and gets between them)
STEPHANIE: "Kane, I'll keep my end of the bargain. You get X-Pac on Monday... but you keep yours. Tonight, you can face Billy."
BILLY GUNN: "WHAT?!"
(Triple H and Road Dogg grab Mr. Ass to hold him back from Stephanie)
STEPHANIE (never taking her eyes from Kane's face): "You can have Billy, okay?"
TRIPLE H (trying to calm Billy): "Whoa, whoa..."
BILLY GUNN: "What? Come on..."
(Tugging on his glove, Kane backs off)
ROAD DOGG (to Triple H): "We're the tag champs. TAG."
TRIPLE H: "Just let me talk, all right? Let me talk; I'll take care of this."
STEPHANIE: "Yeah, come on. TALK to me, *honey.*"
TRIPLE H (taking her hand): "Come on, come here. Sit, sit with me, please? Just sit with me."
(Triple H leads Stephanie to a chair and sits down beside her)
TRIPLE H (still holding her hand in both of his): "Listen... we don't need to go here, all right? I don't need to be put in a cage and hung above the ring fifteen feet. Okay, I might have made some mistakes; I pushed the boys too hard. I pushed the envelope a little too far, but that's what you do when you have power! You can't put me in a cage and lower me down, and let seven guys eat me alive--"
STEPHANIE: "Hunter, let me just say something first, okay? This isn't personal; our personal life is great. The SEX... with you... is great."
(crowd pop as Triple H grins and strokes her cheek)
STEPHANIE: "But this is business, okay? This is no longer the McMahon-Helmsley era, this is the McMahon era. And you're going to have to deal with that."
TRIPLE H (losing patience): "You cannot put me in a cage and let seven guys, including Big Show and Mick Foley, eat me ALIVE."
STEPHANIE: "You're right. Maybe there's nothing I can do about it, but..."
(Stephanie stands. She passes the Outlaws, who are still hanging back, and steps out into the hallway)
TRIPLE H: "Where are you going? Don't walk away from me; I'm not done talking to you!"
STEPHANIE: "I'll be right back."
(Moments later she returns, trailing police officers)
TRIPLE H: "Cops?!"
STEPHANIE (grinning): "Maybe THEY can."
TRIPLE H: "Cops?"
STEPHANIE: "Enforcement!"
TRIPLE H: "You need COPS?"
STEPHANIE: "They're going to ensure--"
TRIPLE H: "I am NOT doing this. I am not getting in a cage, I am not getting put above the ring--"
STEPHANIE: "Oh, you're not?"
TRIPLE H: "No!"
STEPHANIE: "Well, they're going to make sure that you do. They're going to make sure that not only do you go to your locker room and sit there and wait, but they're going to make sure that you get into that personal cell and that you ARE suspended fifteen feet above the ring."
TRIPLE H: "I'm not doing anything! I am YOUR husband, and--"
STEPHANIE: "Gentlemen?"
(The cops grab a struggling Triple H and drag him out of the room)
STEPHANIE: "'Bye honey!"
"This state is known for its intensity, and obviously, this state is known for its integrity!"
"Well... except for the cowboys!"
-- Kurt Angle on Texas, and a comment from Lawler
"Unfortunately, the people of this great state aren't the smartest people in the world."
-- Kurt Angle to major heat
"Look out, Edge! That's no way to treat an Olympic gold medallist!"
-- Lawler
"There may not be any more little Olympians in the future..."
-- Lawler after Angle takes a crotchshot on the ringpost
"Angle remains undefeated!"
-- Michael Cole after Blackman assaulted Edge behind the ref's back
"The hell do you think you're doing, interfering in Kurt Angle's match?"
"You TOLD me last Monday--"
"Listen, don't YOU point at ME, all right? I told you last Monday, tonight's Thursday. You stay out of Kurt Angle's business; it's MY business. Stay out of it!"
-- Stephanie yelling at Blackman backstage
"I'll guarantee you, I'll beat the Rock! But I won't just beat him, I'll cripple him! I'll break whatever I need to break!"
-- Al Snow, starting an insane rant backstage
"That could have DECAPITATED the Rock!"
-- Michael Cole as Al Snow goes after the Rock with a chair
"Al Snow is nuts."
"No kidding!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"Let me borrow your line-- WHAT A MANEUVER!"
-- Lawler
"You guys, if we ever want to fight again, IN the ring, REAL WRESTLING, if you ever want to lace up your boots again, we've got to do something now. For the sake of the women's division, we've got to do it now! It's getting serious!"
-- Ivory, giving a backstage pep talk to Luna, B.B., and Jacqueline
"She's trying to start a movement... like most movements, it might need to be flushed!"
-- Lawler as Ivory comes to the ring
"What Miss Kitty did at Armageddon... well, that just is a little too much! WWF is a sports-entertainment show, NOT adult entertainment!"
-- Ivory as the crow and Lawler give her heat
"All that Miss Kitty is doing for this title is wiping her smut all over it. *I* am the women's WRESTLING champion! Miss Kitty, you come out here and LET'S WRESTLE!"
-- Ivory
"Does that mean no pudding match?"
-- Lawler
"Wait a minute... look out; Chyna's in the ring!"
-- Michael Cole as Chyna decides to face Ivory in Miss Kitty's place in the no-DQ match
"Chy-na! Chy-na! Chy-na!"
-- chant from the crowd
"Chinese... Japanese... whatever!"
-- the Posse backstage, fooling around with Kaientai
"An innovator of offense!"
-- Michael Cole on Jeff Hardy
"I'll tell ya what-- it'll be a heck of a Christmas if Mrs. Foley's baby boy comes home wearing the gold!"
-- Mankind, backstage to J.R.
"He's not thinking about this; he's thinking about Tori. So you be focused and take him down, all right?"
-- Triple H hyping up Billy Gunn backstage for his match against Kane; as soon as Billy leaves, neither Triple H nor Road Dogg look quite so positive
"I think I saw Road Dogg saying a prayer for Mr. Ass!"
"He's gonna need it..."
-- Lawler and Michael Cole as Kane's entrance music plays
"What could he have gotten Tori for Christmas? Can you imagine Kane out Christmas shopping?"
-- Lawler
"That little pep talk from Hunter really motivated Mr. Ass, but I don't really know who Hunter was trying to convince-- Mr. Ass or himself!"
-- Lawler
"Merry Christmas, Mr. Ass!"
-- Michael Cole as Gunn eats a big chokeslam
"I know where Tori is! I know where Tori is!"
-- a terrified Road Dogg as Kane seizes him backstage
"Kane's going after Tori!"
"He just gave up X-Pac!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler; Kane storms off as Road Dogg checks on his beaten partner
"It was rest home wrestling at its best!"
-- Lawler on the Moolah/Young triple threat match from Monday
"This is appropriate here at Christmastime, because Mae and Moolah's first teachers were the three wise men!"
-- Lawler as Mark Henry heads to the ring, Mae Young on one arm and Moolah on the other
"I saw her yearbook! Mary and Joseph were voted cutest couple!"
-- Lawler
"We played once or twice, which is truly nice... I'm so happy to have you in my life. All the hot nights that we've spent since our first date makes me so proud to be in my home state!"
-- Mark Henry reading another original poem to Mae (note the crowd heat and the gagging noises from Lawler)
"I've heard of cradle robbing, but Mark Henry's almost a cemetery robber!"
-- Lawler
"Hey! I'm beggin' ya-- shut your mouth, you big idiot! I think I'm gonna throw up all over myself! Mark Henry, you're nothin but a big, dumb, Olympic failure! And you're a disgrace to this state. Mae Young, you're OLD, you're wrinkly, and you smell like a bedpan at an old folk's home! And as far as you people are concerned, I've never seen so many white trash, inbred, tobacco-chewing, pickup truck-driving losers in my LIFE!" -- Buh Buh Ray ripping on everybody (and not stuttering once)
(Buh Buh Ray has just finished his above rip)
LAWLER: "Well..."
MICHAEL COLE (sarcastically): "He's making plenty of friends in Dallas."
LAWLER: "When you're right, you're right!"
BUH BUH RAY: "And you know what else? Your football team SUCKS!"
(HUGE heat)
"Love does weird things to people..."
"So does Father Time!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler as Mark Henry is victorious in his match
"Get away, get away! Don't get in there, Hunter!"
-- Lawler yelling advice as the cops shove Triple H into his cage
"Why do women always have to have their way?"
-- a frustrated Lawler as Test, Edge, Jeff Hardy, and Christian head down to ringside
"He could get a nosebleed up there! In Hunter's case, a nosebleed could be terminal!"
-- Lawler
"When this match is over and a winner's declared, that cage is going to be lowered down and whoever's won gets to have their way with Triple H?"
"It doesn't even MATTER who wins. They both get their hands on Hunter."
"ALL of them?!"
"And then so do the invitees."
"Everybody at once?"
"Everybody!"
"That's an assassination! An execution!"
"Look at him pleading..."
"Well, I guess!"
-- Lawler and Stephanie, plus a comment from Michael Cole in there
"What is HAPPENING here?"
-- Lawler as a clusterfrick breaks out
"Triple H has Stephanie right where he wants! Mankind has been eliminated; a-- what?"
-- Michael Cole as, unexpectedly, Steph and Triple H kiss
"King!"
"I don't know, Michael!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"Slut! Slut! Slut!"
-- chant from the crowd
"We've been had! We've been had by Triple H and Stephanie!"
-- Michael Cole
"In this joyous holiday season, we've only got two words for ya..."
"SUCK IT!"
"Merry Christmas!"
-- Triple H, the crowd, and Triple H and Steph together
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