Quotes: Best of RAW vol. 1
Hosted by Michael Cole; mostly storyline reviews. Focuses on Vince McMahon vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin (includes zamboni incident and corvette incident), the feud between the Rock and Faarooq, Kane's introduction and his on-again off-again feud with the Undertaker, Sable vs. Jacqueline, DX and the various spoofs they've participated in, Mick Foley's various personalities, Val Venis vs. Yamaguchi, the Undertaker's formation of the Ministry, Mr. Socko's debut, Shane McMahon rehiring Steve Austin.
"Stone Cold is in the house!"
-- announcer on a late 1997 edition of RAW, as Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out to confront Vince McMahon
VINCE MCMAHON: "That's something else I've been meaning to talk to you about; your language!"
STEVE AUSTIN: "Dammit Vince, you're right."
MCMAHON: "I said, your language!"
AUSTIN: "Hell son, I'm trying to apologize! Jesus Christ, give me a chance!"
"I'm telling you this-- if Stone Cold comes back out, somebody's going to get their ass whipped!"
-- Austin on a late 1997 edition of RAW
"Nobody, especially Vince McMahon, tells Stone Cold Steve Austin what to do, and that's the bottom line!"
-- Austin after winning the title at WrestleMania XIV
"Steve Austin will never be employee of the month!"
-- J.R. at ringside, after Austin stunners Vince McMahon
"Oh no, boy, it ain't over. Not like that! Get your ass back down here!"
-- Faarooq challenging the Rock to continue a brawl
"Your brother Kane is coming! You, Undertaker, are going to burn in hell!"
-- Paul Bearer to the Undertaker
"Oh my God... wait a minute! It's Paul Bearer! It's Paul Bearer! And that-- that's gotta be-- that's gotta be Kane!"
-- Kane's debut in 1997
"Like looking into his own soul!"
-- announcer at the 1997 pay-per-view Badd Blood as the Undertaker and Kane stand nose-to-nose in their first meeting
"It's Kane! The question is, is he coming to assist DX or dismantle them?"
-- J.R. as Kane heads to the ring
"D-Generation X had better get out of here!"
"He's coming after them; he's right behind them! Run, Hunter, if you can!"
-- J.R. and Lawler as Kane goes after DX (Triple H is on crutches)
"My God... the casket is on fire! The Undertaker is in the casket!"
-- terrified announcers at the 1998 Royal Rumble, as Kane sets a casket containing the Undertaker on fire
"Wait-- wait--"
"A purple light has fallen over this arena!"
-- the Undertaker's first appearance since the burning at the '98 Royal Rumble
THE UNDERTAKER (on the stage): "Welcome to hell, and the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation!"
LAWLER: "Ack!"
UNDERTAKER: "Kane... you've disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you could put together? And you, Paul.. the audacity to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! What I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do."
(Crowd pops, anticipating an Undertaker/Kane showdown on the spot)
PAUL BEARER (in the ring with Kane): "You're not the Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real phenom!"
(Columns of fire explode from the four posts of the ring, but the Undertaker steps forward)
UNDERTAKER: "I will walk straight through the fires of hell to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation!"
(Kane does a head-tilt)
UNDERTAKER: "You will understand why I am the reaper of wayward souls, and you will understand why I am the lord of darkness! May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul..."
(Kane continues to stare from the ring)
UNDERTAKER: "...And you will rest in peace!"
"Sable's wearing a sack... a potato sack!"
-- J.R. as Sable heads out with Marc Mero
"Sable... disrobe me, please!"
"Should be the other way around. Pretty big sack... you think I could get in the sack with her?"
-- Marc Mero to Sable, and a comment from Lawler on the potato-sacked Sable
"You know, she LOOKED real good, but there was no motor under the hood!"
-- Jacqueline on Sable
"Honey, this body is primo real estate!"
"How many times have you rented it out?"
-- Jacqueline on herself, and a comment from Sable
"Y'know, there's always liposuction, but you don't want to take a chance that the surgeon might let the air out of the wrong place!"
-- Jacqueline to Sable
"Now... THAT... is a bikini."
-- J.R. on the infamous Sable handprints "bikini," as Lawler damn near has a coronary
"This is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation! It starts tonight!"
-- X-Pac, returning to the WWF and joining DX all in one night
"We are D-Generation X, and we will take no prisoners as we invade WCW and Nitro!"
-- Triple H, as DX attempts to drive a tank into an arena hosting a WCW event
"Bye bye, Hunter; have fun!"
-- Dude Love from backstage, addressing Triple H (in the ring) as Cactus Jack makes his WWF debut
"This cage may be the final restling place for Terry Funk and Cactus Jack!"
-- J.R. as the New Age Outlaws link up with DX to viciously attack Funk and Jack
"What you did to me and Terry Funk, laying here in the middle of the ring, was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was God damn disgusting!"
-- Cactus Jack, calling out the crowd for cheering Steve Austin instead of him
"Y'know, the Crock just came from the bathroom... and you should've smelled what the Rock was cooking!"
-- Triple H imitating the Rock as DX parodies the Nation
"When it comes to the Crock and the ladies, and the Crock hits rock bottom, he has no choice but to lay the smackdown on himself!"
"Ya hear that? The brother smacks himself down!"
-- Triple H (as the Rock) and Road Dogg (as D'Lo Brown) continuing the Nation parody
"Can you imagine the Rock? He's broken every piece of furniture in his living room by now!"
-- J.R. as the in-ring Nation parody continues
"Well, enough is enough and it's time for a change!"
"Look at this... it IS Owen Hart!"
"Nobody listens to me! Nobody gives a damn what I think! What the hell am I doing wearing this ridiculous outfit? I look like a damn road sign! What the hell am I? A school crossing?!"
-- Jason Sensation in the ring with DX, imitating Owen Hart as J.R. and Lawler lose it at ringside
"And if anybody smells what the Rock is cooking, it's me! Look how big my damn nose is! What the hell am I, an aardvark? Whoooo!"
"What does the brother look like? An aardvark?"
-- Jason Sensation as Owen and Road Dogg as D'Lo again
TRIPLE H (as the Rock): "I know you're the world's strongest man, and the Crock's got a hell of a body himself, but there's one thing the people want to know! How do you get your pecs to go all the way around to your back like that?"
J.R.: "Oh, MAN!"
ROAD DOGG (as D'Lo): "What he wants to know, is how--"
TRIPLE H (in character): "Shut UP!"
("D'Lo" responds by shrugging and leaping up onto the ropes to deliver his traditional head shake)
"I know I'm late, but my nose got here ten minutes ago! Whooo!"
-- Jason Sensation at ringside with Lawler, giving up a little more Owen Hart
VAL VENIS: "...my latest video..."
ANNOUNCER: "All right, I love these things!"
VENIS: "...entitled, "Land of the Rising Venis!"
ANNOUNCER: "I've got bunches at home!"
(Footage of Val in bed being pleasured by someone under the covers; selected portions are blurred out)
LAWLER: "Land of the rising Venis?"
ANNOUNCER: "Why do they blur out the agents?"
J.R.: "My mama just fainted..."
"I assaulted Stone Cold Steve Austin and got away with it! It was indeed a very special night for me..."
-- Vince McMahon
"You are the world's... dumbest... son of a bitch!"
-- Stone Cold to McMahon
"Hey! Austin's pouring that beer all over the boss!"
-- ringside announcer as Stone Cold gives McMahon a beer bath
"Oh my... business is going to pick up here! Here comes the Rattlesnake!"
"Run! Run, everybody!"
-- J.R. and Lawler as Stone Cold heads to the ring, bent on confronting McMahon, Patterson, and Brisco
"There's Austin! Austin's got a zamboni!"
-- post-Breakdown; Vince, Kane, and the Undertaker watch from the ring as Austin drives a zamboni into the arena
"Get your guns out!"
-- Lawler to the ringside cops as Austin crashes the zamboni into the ring
VINCE MCMAHON: "Three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me! You didn't live up to your end of the deal-- I'm not going to live up to mine! As far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical (indicates Kane), the other is metal (turns to the Undertaker).
THE UNDERTAKER: "You need to watch your ass."
(Vince gulps)
UNDERTAKER: "Because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, you're going to be the one handicapped, and that I will promise."
(Kane and the Undertaker turn their backs; Vince lifts two middle fingers)
MCMAHON: "Fuck--"
(Undertaker turns to face him)
MCMAHON: "--you."
LAWLER: "Uh-oh..."
J.R.: "Oh, he got caught... whoa, the Undertaker just nailed McMahon!"
MANKIND (from underneath Vince McMahon's hospital bed): "I brought another visitor; another special guest!"
MCMAHON: "What the hell are you doing?"
MANKIND (popping up at McMahon's bedside): "Mr. Socko! Say hello to Mr. Socko! Mr. Socko knows you've been feeling mighty bad, so he's going to give your booboo a big kiss!"
MCMAHON: "No, Mick... ack... no; please, just leave."
MANKIND: "Mis-ter Socko!"
MCMAHON: "Please leave. Please..."
(toots on a plastic party favor)
MCMAHON (snaps): "Dammit leave. And take this CRAP with you!"
"How about you, doctor?"
"Oh, I'll take it from here, nurse!"
"NOnononononno!"
-- an unsuspecting nurse, Stone Cold posing as a surgeon, and a panicked Vince McMahon; you can fill in the rest
"Uh oh, I think we got an emergency here! Everybody clear!"
-- Austin using the shock paddles on Vince
"I always knew you were full of shit, Vince! Let's just find out how full of shit you really are! This is gonna hurt you a lot more than its gonna hurt me!"
-- Austin preparing to shove an instrument where the sun don't shine
"That's a FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLAR car!"
-- Lawler as Stone Cold fills Vince's corvette with cement
"Stone Cold... screw you! YOU'RE FIRED!"
-- Vince McMahon
"We have no room for the weak! Only the strong shall survive..."
-- Undertaker, forging his ministry of darkness
"What you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring! He made me get down on my knees. He made me beg... he made me cry. He made me urinate myself!"
(huge pop)
-- Vince McMahon, finding no sympathy from the crowd
"Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!"
"What are they saying, JR?"
-- the crowd to Vince, and a comment from Lawler
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