Quotes: 1998 Royal Rumble
"Tonight, thirty men who dare to dream, thirty battle-scarred warriors who have spilled blood, sweat, and endured the agonies, who have labored in the cold shadows for that one, precious chance to sieze the championship spotlight, are on a collision course with destiny. Tonight, thiry men will batter each other, sacrifice their bodies, betray friendships, embrace the soulless ally that is desperation. To the victor go the spoils. To the winner, a once-in-a-lifetime chance to become the next heir apparent to the WWF throne!"
-- opening intro into the pay-per-view
"Somewhere, I think, Mike Tyson's even here!"
"He certainly is; ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be joined tonight by our Spanish broadcasters..."
(Spanish babble from some announcers; I could make out "Mike Tyson")
"And certainly, our French commentators are here as well..."
(French babble from some other announcers; I could make out "San Jose" and "Royal Rumble")
-- Lawler and J.R.
"The controversial Goldust; the attenion-starved second-generation superstar... and you've got to believe that his family tree certainly needs trimming!"
-- J.R. on "the artist formerly known as Goldust" (who is wearing green and black facepaint, a neon green wig over blue hair, purple gloves with fringe, orange boots, and striped tights with a sequined thong)
"You've got to wonder what Mother Nature was thinking when she created Luna."
-- J.R.
"Whoo, look at that! Obviously it wasn't Sable, but looked pretty good!"
-- Lawler on Goldust in drag
"J.R., did I hear you right? Did you say Austin is not here?"
"He's in San Jose; he was in his truck earlier today, but Austin, who no doubt is a huge marked man for the Rumble match tonight--"
"Austin may be smarter than I thought. It's smart of him not to show up; he's going to get his brains beat out if he does arrive."
-- Lawler and J.R.
"He is my man!"
"How pretty."
-- Luna ranting at ringside, and a sarcastic comment from Lawler
"It's a good thing he used his quickness to get out of the way of the rear end of Vader, or that would have squashed Goldust like a bug!"
-- Lawler
"He does for the WWF what Dolly Parton does to a sweater! Makes you sit up and take notice!"
-- J.R. on Goldust
"I think that guy eats off satellite dishes."
-- Lawler on Vader
"Vader like a big ol' hungry Kodiak bear, pulling his food into his cave for winter!"
-- J.R. as Vader drags Goldust around the ring
"That's worse than an E-ticket ride at Disneyland; I guarantee she doesn't want to take that trip again!"
-- Lawler on Luna, after Vader delivers a Vaderbomb to Goldust despite having Luna on his back
"I don't have anything to say to you. Just park my damn truck, and if you scratch it, you're going to get your ass whipped."
-- Stone Cold Steve Austin throwing his keys at Michael Cole
"When the good Lord made these minis, the button stuck on fast-forward."
-- J.R. referring to the upcoming "midget match"
"They may be small in stature, vertically challenged; but please, folks, do not underestimate their athleticism."
"You said "under," ha! Max Mini can walk underneath a closed door!"
-- J.R. and Lawler referring to the six-man minis tag team match
"Ow! Right on his little head!"
-- Lawler as Tarantula misses a move in the mini match
"I want your favorite, Max Mini, to get in there! He's trying to learn English, apparently; I saw him reading a book before the match back there."
"Oh, really? What was it?"
"Little Women. Ha!"
-- Lawler (who else?) and J.R.
"Lot of quickness and leverage by the combination of Max Mini, Nova, and Mosaic."
"Oh, these guys are in good shape, all right. They get a lot of exercise running on those wheels in the hamster cages."
-- J.R. and Lawler commenting on the mini match
"Y'know, the San Jose Sharks play in this arena. Max Mini could play hockey on an ice cube!"
-- Lawler on Max Mini
"He tried to commit suicide by jumping off a curb!"
"Man, you worked on these short jokes, didn't you?"
"Oh, I'm READY for these guys!"
"Long plane flight for you, huh King?"
"Yes! Yes!"
-- Lawler and J.R.
"A springboard corkscrew by Max Mini!"
"Looks like an anthill out there."
-- J.R. and Lawler on a pile of minis outside the ring
"I know all the Rock's fans want to know exactly how the Rock feels about President Clinton and Paula Jones. Hey Pres, take some advice from the Rock: when you lay down with a dog, you're going to wake up with fleas."
-- the Rock
"Rocky sucks! Rocky sucks! Rocky sucks!"
-- the crowd addressing the Rock (yes folks, believe it or not there actually was a time when the Rock was NOT over with the fans)
"When Shamrock snaps, he's like trying to handle a rolling ball of butcher knives! You know you're going to get cut to pieces!"
-- J.R. on Ken Shamrock
"He knows he's not very likely to get a clean break from the first third-generation athlete in the history of the WWF..."
"How do you remember all that useless statistical information? I can't remember any of that stuff. I can, however, tell you Sunny's and Sable's bra size."
-- J.R. and Lawler during the Shamrock vs. Rock IC match
"That guy thinks the Rock's number one!"
-- Lawler referring to a ringside fan flipping off the Rock
"Show these people you don't suck, Rock!"
-- Lawler
"I bet Shamrock knows nothing about football. Probably thinks a quarterback is a refund."
-- Lawler while he and J.R. discuss the Rock's history as a football player
"The Rock's got some knucks on his hand! Brass knucks by the Rock, and he's put them in Shamrock's tights! Shamrock has been knocked out; that's got to be all-- no! No, Shamrock kicked out!!"
-- J.R.
"Shamrock with the ankle lock on the referee!"
-- J.R. as Shamrock snaps after the Rock screws Shamrock out of the win
"Where's he at? You SONOFABITCH!"
-- footage exclusive to the WWF Royal Rumble home video, showing Shamrock attacking the Rock in the locker room after their IC match
"Get that piece of shit out of here!"
-- more exclusive footage; the Rock barking orders at the backstage guys who are dragging Shamrock away
"The WWF Tag team champions, never at a loss for words..."
-- J.R. on the New Age Outlaws
"No team in westling history can match up! AWA, NWA, and WWF-- every major tag team title that matters, the Legion of Doom has won!"
-- J.R. (notable exception of WCW in there)
"Looks like Road Dogg's either lost some teeth, busted a lip--"
"Ow!"
"He's bleeding from the mouth!"
-- J.R. and Lawler as the D-O-double-G gets pounded early
"Throughout their career, the L.O.D. has been written off more times than a business lunch, but they keep coming back."
-- J.R.
"The New Age Outlaws shaved Hawk's head, but he's trying to pull their hair out by the roots!"
-- Lawler
"I think Animal's trying to crawl up and retreat under the ring! I can't blame him!"
"I don't think the L.O.D. can even spell retreat."
-- Lawler and J.R.
"They're trying to break his back!"
-- Lawler as the NAO continues to assault Animal with a steel chair even after they have been disqualified
"HAWK JUST BROKE THE HANDCUFFS!"
-- J.R. as Hawk breaks free of the handcuffs Road Dogg slapped on him and rushes to Animal's aid
"The winner of Stone Cold's truck is from Nashville, Tennessee. Her name is Mildred Bowers, and Mildred, Jerry Lawler will be by every other Saturday to make sure that truck stays nice and shiny."
"Mildred, I understand, is having a big Royal Rumble party there in Nashville. I bet she's going right through the roof of her trailer!"
-- J.R. and Lawler giving away Stone Cold's truck as part of some promotion
"Everybody's going to come after him tonight, and you know what? He deserves it!"
-- Lawler on Stone Cold
"Let's find out who drew number one!"
(two garbage cans come flying out from the entranceway)
"Cactus Jack."
-- ring announcer Howard Finkel and J.R. as Cactus Jack comes down to start off the Royal Rumble
"Goof grief; we've got chairs and chainsaws, and we're just getting started!"
-- J.R. as Cactus Jack, at ringside, throws steel chairs at Chainsaw Charlie, who is in the ring brandishing a chainsaw
"Remember, in this match, there's only one way to be eliminated, and that's to be thrown over the top rope and both feet hit the floor."
"Or to have one of your major limbs lopped off by a chainsaw!"
-- J.R. and Lawler on the Royal Rumble stipulations
"Well, now we're back to our chair shot contest."
-- J.R. after Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie briefly team up to eliminate the third Royal Rumble entrant (some jobber)
"These two guys will never be the same."
"They were never normal to start with."
"You're not lying."
-- J.R. and Lawler on Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie
"The Rock is so good he reminds me of myself!"
-- Lawler as the Rock enters the Royal Rumble
"Look at the idiots that are in this ring right now. Chainsaw, Mosh, Cactus Jack-- I feel like calling Unsolved Mysteries and saying, "Hey! I found everybody!"
-- Lawler
"Phineas Godwinn... living proof of what happens when first cousins marry!"
-- J.R.
"I wish Mike Tyson would come down here and sit with you and I, J.R.! I wish he'd get within arm's reach of me! Don King and Vince McMahon made him out to be Superman; I'll show him a little kryptonite right here on the end of my right arm!"
-- Lawler
"He might like having his brains scrambled; who knows?"
"What brain?"
-- J.R. and Lawler discussing Chainsaw Charlie
"What is Tyson, about 5'11"? If I hit him with one of my uppercuts, he'll be 6'5"."
-- Lawler
"Somebody's not going to have a nice day!"
-- Lawler as Cactus Jack reemerges in the Royal Rumble, this time as Mankind
"You've got to admit, Goldust puts the "fun" in dysfunctional!"
-- Lawler
"Jeff Jarrett just strutted his way to elimination!"
-- J.R. as Owen Hart throws Jarrett over the top rope to a huge pop from the crowd
"Here comes the bigget and the newest member of the Nation of Dominantion, the four-hundred-plus pound Mark Henry, the world's strongest man!"
"He might just lift up one corner of that ring and dump everybody out of it!"
-- J.R. and Lawler as Mark Henry enters the Royal Rumble
"I guess Steve Austin has been assaulted; apparently Austin was #22, which was an entrant ago, but we're not positive about that."
-- J.R., as they try to figure out why no one came out for spot #22 in the Royal Rumble
(Stone Cold's music plays)
"WHAT!?"
"The action (in the ring) has stopped; everyone is awaiting the arrival of Stone Cold Steve Austin!"
"Look out; he's BEHIND--"
-- Lawler and J.R. as all eight men in the ring stop to wait for Austin; Austin, however, sneaks in from behind them and starts cleaning house
"Who was the poor sucker that never made it out, #22? It was probably somebody who got stunned by Steve Austin in the back!"
-- Lawler
"What?"
"Oh, no!"
"I don't BELIEVE it!"
"I don't WANT to believe it."
"Mrs. Foley's baby boy is pulling a triple-header!"
"Somebody knock his head OFF."
-- J.R. and Lawler as Dude Love enters
"Take a look and survey the ring! One of these men is going to be facing the champion for the WWF title at Wrestlemania! Mark Henry, or Stone Cold Steve Austin I think not, or Chainz, or Vader... or, heaven forbid, is Dude Love still over there?"
-- Lawler
"Henry Godwinn... he can go back and slop the hogs; he's through for the night!"
-- J.R. after Godwinn is eliminated
"Maivia just sat down..."
"He's hurt! He's hurt!"
"He's not hurt; he's letting Faarooq do all the work."
"He's smart!"
-- Lawler and J.R.; the Rock takes a breather as Faarooq and Stone Cold go at it as the final three in the Royal Rumble
"Stunner... and the ROCK IS GONE!"
-- J.R. as Stone Cold wins the Royal Rumble
(the Undertaker's music begins)
"And here comes the challenger."
-- J.R. as the lights go out, the crowd goes crazy and hundreds of lighters go up
"I don't usually see things from your point of view, J.R., because I can't get my head up my rear, but I agree with you on this! I think we're going to have a new champion tonight!"
-- Lawler as Undertaker and Shawn Michaels go at it
"The Undertaker getting that adrenaline rush from these thousands upon thousands of creatures in the night!"
-- J.R. as the crowd cheers the Undertaker to break HBK's sleeper hold
"Look at Michaels! Look at the look on his face; he knows what's next!"
-- J.R. as the Undertaker, inside the casket, grabs hold of HBK's ankles and drags him inside as well
"The unholy alliance of the brothers of the night! Kane is coming to help his brother!"
-- J.R. as Kane emerges to stop a DX attack on the Undertaker
"The Undertaker is in the casket; Michaels shut the lid... Michaels will retain the WWF title, but... wait a minute..."
-- J.R. as Kane and Paul Bearer padlock the casket closed
"What is that; is that gasoline?"
-- Lawler as Kane dumps gas all over the coffin containing the Undertaker
"My God, the casket's on fire! The Undertaker is IN THE CASKET!"
-- J.R. as Kane lights the casket ablaze
"Yes! Yes! Fiiiiiire, fire!"
-- footage exclusive to the WWF Royal Rumble home video, showing Paul Bearer losing it beside the burning casket
"Kane, until our paths cross again, I shall NEVER rest in peace!"
-- the Undertaker's voice over the loudspeakers, as backstage workers break open the casket and find it empty
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