Personal Battles
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show do not belong to me as they currently belong to Joss Wedon, Mutant Enemy Productions and the usual suspects. All other characters (well really just one character) in this story belong to me.
Rating: PG-14 as some of the language may get a bit harsh, there are references to suicide, and it makes veiled reference to one other very adult subject matter though it doesn't address the subject directly.
Acknowledgements: To Alanna my betareader. I'd also like to thank the people at Buffyworld for the aid that helped me through the scene specific stuff.
Spoilers: Up through Sanctuary are possible. Though there are specific references to both Bad Girls and Consequences.
Author Notes: < > indicate thoughts.
Personal Battles
Faith was sitting in her jail cell. The cops had placed her in the cell after her confession to a murder as well as numerous assaults. < I finally did it; maybe now I can be free of that feeling. I can live instead of wanting to die.> she thought to herself staring at the wall inside her cell.
"I wouldn't be to sure about that." came a voice just outside her cell.
"Huh?" Faith questioned as her head spun around to find the source of the voice. Standing outside her cell was a fairly tall, thin man in a black tuxedo.
"Who are you and how did you get here? I mean it's way too soon for someone to visit me especially someone I've never seen before." Faith asked recovering quickly enough from her shock.
"Well to begin with the name you can refer to me as is James D. Delapor. Secondly I am here because I have something I need to convince you of. I was able to get here by effectively freeze time until I can give you my proposal." the man stated with theatrical flourish pointing down the hall to the guard who as he had implied was as still as a statue, not even blinking an eye.
Faith instinctively checked the room for anything that could be used as a weapon as it seemed likely that her 'visitor' was someone from the darkside. A quick scan of her cell found it devoid of anything she could use, since of course, it was a jail cell.
"Okay then what do you want?" Faith asked hoping to stall for time until she could think of something.
"I'm here to show you another point of view, to show you how you may best earn your redemption." James responded.
"Now enough pleasantries as I do believe it is time to depart. Young lady, if you will kindly step through those lovely steel bars and we will be on our way." Delapor said indicating for Faith to come out.
"What are you talking about?" Faith asked not comprehending why he would ask her to do something that was obviously impossible.
"My dear lady I'm promising to tell you the truth and all you need to do is take a step forward. Do not worry you should be able to pass through these bars by my power." Delapor stated impatiently.
"Alright." Faith answered as she reluctantly put her hand toward the bars. She was surprised to find that her hand did indeed passed right through the steel that made up the jail cell bars. Faith then went through the bars and out of the cell.
"Before I go anywhere else I have to ask. What is this all about?" Faith asked.
"Like I said earlier, I'm merely here to show you the best way of how you can best proceed with your life. To do that I am going to show you the truth about both yourself and the world." Delapor replied.
"What if I just say no now without hearing the used car pitch?" Faith asked.
"Well that is certainly your right. I mean people deny themselves true knowledge all the time as well as proceeding with wrong choices. If you wish to keep fooling yourself that's is your right. Though I would like to point out what's happened when you've done that." Delapor answered.
"Fooling myself?" Faith asked suddenly uncertain about her decision. she thought to herself as she saw Delapor suddenly smile. "Okay then, let's see if you're right." Faith answered Delapor slightly harshly.
"Right you are my dear, right you are, with but a snap of my fingers..." *SNAP* went Delapore's fingers as they suddenly seemed to be transported from a Los Angeles city jail to a run down looking living room.
"Oh my god, I've come home…" Faith said quietly to herself. Indeed looking at the filthy living room filled with empty beer bottles and several full ashtrays. This was the living room of the apartment building that her mother and her had lived in for the first 14 years of her life.
"Shut up! No daughter of mine is going to talk the like that!" came the drunken snarl that rang through the air, as did smack of the wooden broom handle hitting plaster.
Faith walked slowly down the hall into a bedroom in what was a familiar scene in her home until she had run away. Her mother in a drunken rage, hitting her repeatedly with a broom. In this scene she was all of seven. As a blow hit hard off her back Faith couldn't take it anymore.
"Stop!" She screamed and tried to grab her mother only to find that not only hadn't she heard but that Faith's hands passed right through her mother.
"I'm truly sorry but the people here can neither see, hear, or feel you. The past is the past and is unchangeable for everyone, even myself." Delapor said having seemed to suddenly appear in the room. "This does certainly provide a partial picture of what humanity has given you hasn't it. I could also show you what went on when your mother had a live in boyfriend though I'm sure you remember very well don't you. One could hardly blame you for your truly correct belief about the nature of humanity that you have had for most of your life." Delapor finished sympathetically.
"Yes" Faith managed to get out at little more than a whisper. She remembered very well as in those cases when there was a boyfriend and her mother wasn't around, a beating was the least of the problems. Faith managed to barely suppress a shudder at what her mother's boyfriends had occasionally done to her while they were in a drunken haze.
"People aren't naturally good, it's just a lie they tell themselves to face each new day. You realized that once, whether you like it or not; you embodied the truth. Humanity has always belonged to the want, take, have ethic." Delapor paused to let his words sink in before continuing. "It's not as if your failures to walk that path suggest something other than an ability to succeed in living that lie. Let's continue..."
And then they seemed suddenly pop up in the hall of the woman that had been her first watcher. This had been the place that she had trained in. She slowly walked into the study that had contained the books that her watcher had used. She walked in on a conversation between her watcher and her, which had occurred over two years ago. A night shortly after she had first found out that she was a slayer.
"Janet I want to thank you for helping me. You have no idea how much you've helped me" the past version of herself said awkwardly. That situation had basically been the lookout job she had had for a neighborhood drug dealer in Boston.
"Faith you can rely on me. You just have to trust me." Janet began the same way she did three years ago.
"That's what they always said." came Delapor voice beside her. "You just have to trust me. Yes, Faith we trust you. We're here to help you." Delapor said bitterly, almost mimicking a sincere tone.
"That wasn't always true." Faith said, the words barely audible.
"Oh is it? I think both You and I know what lies those were don't we?" Delapor continued. "I mean let's look at the next significant event to happen in this very house."
They were once again transported, this time to the front of the house as a Faith from that time period went to open the front door as Faith and Delapor followed close behind.
"Hello, Janet it was really an uneventful patrol." The past Faith began as she opened the door. As it completely opened she found Kakistos holding the neck of her watcher having finished strangling her as the entire scene seemed to darken out.
"See people just abandon you. Whether they want to or not they still do. Additionally, it was your failure to protect her that caused her death. Janet trusted you Faith. I mean, let's also not forget who let her down. You did by not being there to save her. Even if you do try this path of redemption you have planned you'll just fail at it anyways, just as you were a failure at slaying, so why bother." Delapor said quietly and reasonably to which Faith responded with silence.
"Beginning to realize the truth? Well perhaps not quite yet but let's take a look at other moments." Delapore stated.
"I can do this." Faith said.
"Can you really?" Delapor said. "Your whole life is a history of failures. You saw what people are and at one time embraced it readily. Regardless, I still have more to show you so let's come along." Delapor finished with a snap of his fingers.
They appeared on a sidewalk in Sunnydale. Right in front of Buffy and herself engaged in what appeared to be an argument.
"And that's it? You just live with it? You see the dead guy in your head every day for the rest of your life?" Buffy said with the disbelief clearly showing in her voice.
"Buffy, I'm not gonna *see* anything. I missed the mark last night and I'm sorry about the guy. I really am! But it happens! Anyway, how many people do you think we've saved by now, thousands? And didn't you stop the world from ending? Because in my book, that puts you and me in the plus column." The past version of herself responded stepping closer to Buffy.
"We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want." Buffy responded
"Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings." Faith responded
"Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?" Buffy returned.
"What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill." Faith stated.
"To kill demons! But it does *not* mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!" Buffy replied somewhat angrily.
"We *are* better!" Faith started.
"That's right, better. People need us to survive. In the balance, nobody's gonna cry over some random bystander who got caught in the crossfire." Faith continued with the exhilaration clearing showing in her voice
"I am." Buffy sadly answered
With disdain the past version of her self ended the conversation with "Well, that's your loss." As she turned her back and walked away from Buffy.
As they watched this memory play out Delapor seemed somewhat smug as he replied. "Yes, you certainly embody the principles of compassion, mercy, and respect for life quite well don't you?"
"This wasn't the only case were you acted this way. You would do something even worse not long after. I mean after all that you've done what makes you think that you deserve another chance." Delapor said as he snapped his fingers and they ended up in yet another place.
Faith looked around and immediately noticed that it was her old motel room that she had in Sunnydale before she worked for the Mayor. As soon as she heard whose voices were talking she knew what she was about to see and her heart sank as she turned to view the scene as it played out.
"Hey, yeah. Got me there. Pretty much not gonna try to... take you under any circumstances. See, here, feel that. Xander said from the doorway as he held out his arm. He then pointed to his biceps as he began again to try to talk his way in. "Probably like a wet noodle to you, huh?"
The past version of herself simply stepped aside and said "Five minutes."
Faith watched as the conversation continued. With Xander trying to help her and her brushing him off and then attempting to get him into bed. As Xander was on the bed she saw herself choking Xander. She watched as she choked Xander into unconsciousness. Before Angel saved him by knocking the past version of herself unconscious.
"Have you seen enough yet?" Delapor asked mockingly. "That pretty much sums up you doesn't it? Trying to strangle one of the very, very few that honestly tried to help you."
Delapor paused before he began again this time his voice was harder then before. "You have done nothing but hurt or be hurt since you started life. I do believe that now we should get to the point."
"What is the point?" Faith asked as this journey through her life had drained her far more then she could believe.
"The point is this." Delapor said as he snapped his fingers one more time and they ended up in a bare room. In the room was a single, small coffee table and on it was a knife. Her knife, which had nearly killed her once and with which she had used to hurt others.
"The point is," Delapor started, "that you can only truly attempt redemption through one act. Your death."
"What? I don't think…" Faith began.
"No. It is the only way. You've been a failure, utterly and completely. From your drunken mother to your failure to protect your first watcher you've failed. Though as we've seen it's not like life gave you a whole lot anyway." Delapor said his voice calm and reasonable.
"Also, let us not forget the people you've killed. I didn't show you them but you know them." Delapor said, his voice filled with accusation. "Alan Finch, the smuggler, that geologist. Their blood calls for vengeance and atonement. Only one act can do that." Delapor finished.
It was almost as if she no longer had control of herself as she found herself walking across the room toward the table and picking up the knife. A large part of her agreed with Delapor and the rest was far too tired and beaten to think of reasons why not.
As she was coming close to plunging the knife into herself to end her life Delapor decided to speak up. "Nobody ever gave you a chance and nobody will care." He stated sadly.
Then the inner part of herself which had been lying down and just waiting for death seemed to remember something. Her mind went back to the conversation that she had overheard between Angel, Buffy, and that woman cop when she had gone in to give her confession.
She remember the woman cop threatening,"… think you're gonna like the cell we have for you, Angel. It faces east. It'll give you a great view of the sunrise in about four hours."
As well as Angel's response that it was okay. Angel was willing to fight for her. Despite what Buffy had thought Angel was still willing to risk jail and the sun. Angel had been there, dealing with what life had dealt him and the guilt of what he'd done. If he could do that then she could as well.
"No." Faith said forcefully. While at the same time stopping the knife's movement toward her throat.
"What?" Delapor asked his voice filled with worry. "After all that you did you are still selfish enough to want to live?" He started to accuse her though his voice had begun to quiver slightly.
"No, I'm just not selfish enough to die." Faith said. "If I live, at some point I may still have the chance to do some good for someone. If I kill myself it shows I'm so selfish that I'd rather end the pain then help someone."
Delapor looked even more worried at this news. "This isn't over. You'll still break. It'll still end the same way so why not just end it now." Delapor uttered with desperation clearly bleeding through his words.
"No, I don't think I will. I owe too many people too much to give up. I think I'm done listening to you. I'm going back." Faith said.
With that pronouncement Delapor's power seemed broken as they both began to fade from the room. Right before the room seemed to disappear from view Delapor offered one final word.
"No this isn't over. You might think your fine now but it won't last. And when it ends then I'll be there to offer you the same option as now."
With those words Faith woke up in the holding cell that they had been holding her in. She couldn't see the sun from her cell but it definitely seemed to be morning. She wondered if she had dreamed what had happened, or if it was some sort of demon. Regardless, as she stood up in her cell she realized that she was more at peace then before. More certain of what she had to do.
The End
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