"Do what you have to do"
Disclaimer: I do not own in any way, shape of form any of the characters in this story, I merely wrote it. The characters belong to Joss I am a God Whedon, and the good people at Fox and Mutant Enemy. Please dont sue me, all youll get is some 15 year olds clothes (they probably wont fit you), a collection of Buffy box sets, some high school courseworks and a few steely glares from myself.
Authors Notes: Okay, this is my first attempt at fanfiction. I dedicate this story to those that are my inspiration, you should know who you are, and Lorna who persuaded me that it was good and told me I should submit it. I love feed back so please, I would love to know what you people think, good or bad, (but please bear in mind, anything too bad would break my tiny little heart!) So if you want to email me, feel free to at lil_loll@yahoo.co.uk
Teaser: Dawn is the sister of the Slayer. As she looks through her diary, she comes across an entry added three months after the events in Becoming Part 2, and offers us her insight into her missing sister, and the reactions of those around her.
*Italics are reference to Buffy when her name is not used*
This story is written from Dawns PoV, and is written just as she would have said it.
September 1st 1997
I know she does, miss her I mean. She doesnt say so in front of me, she barely says anything at all any more since she left, but I know she does. She seems so, so different now, like shes some different person, not my Mom any more, shes like an empty shell. Mom talks to Mr Giles about why she left, blames him for her leaving, she seems so, so angry with him, and ...her. Mom cleans a lot now, our house is different from when she left, I dont think she would recognise it now, as her home I mean. Maybe thats why she took off like she did, because Mom said it wasnt her home anymore, that she shouldnt come back anymore.
Sometimes, when Mom thinks Im asleep, she creeps into her bedroom. After she first left, she would go there every night, cleaning and touching her stuff. But always keeping her things where she found them, she never moved things from the place she put them. It was like, like her things held some part of her. But I knew the things she left behind were the parts of her she wanted to leave, to forget. After a while, Mom moved things, the clothes that she had left behind with the note, her stuffed animals, putting things away, tidying things away, and not just cleaning them. It was like, like she was finally moving on, she knew that if she was going to come back, then she would, and that nothing she said or did, would change that.
Even so, Mom still goes in on night-time. She stands looking out her window, staring out into the night, wishing that Buffy would just come into sight, even just for a moment. Or even that she would just crawl in through her window like nothing had changed, but it has. Its all changed now. Mom waits for her to come back, for her to know, know she never meant those things she said. For her to come back and for us to be a family again. But she doesnt come back; she never comes backEand sometimes, sometimes I think shell never come back again, that shes gone forever. But still, a few strands of her hair cling to her hairbrush, just the way she left it, and just the way shell find it when she comes home again.
I can remember the night she left. I was upstairs watching the t.v. I heard her and Mom come in with some English guy. They were talking really fast, and Mom was upset with her. She was talking about Buffy being a Slayer or the Slayer or something. I crept down the stairs and through the hallway so I could hear clearer. By the time I got downstairs, the English guy had gone, and only Buffy and Mom were left. They were still in the kitchen and Mom was talking to Buffy, and Buffy was pleading with her. Buffy tried to get mom to calm down, and that she would explain everything later, when she got back. But mom really got angry, and she shouted at Buffy. She told her not to leave, to stay behind so they could talk, and she tried to stop Buffy from going outside. Buffy pushed her off, and I could see the looks of surprise on her face, and the words that fell out of her mouth,
"If you leave this house dont even think about coming back!"
And again the look of sadness and shock that fell over her as Buffy looked at her, and left. Mom sank down to the floor and started to cry. She cried like she did when Buffy got in trouble with the police for burning down the gym at Hemery, and I was angry at Buffy for making Mom upset like that.
Mom saw me, hiding behind the door, and called me over. Her voice was still full of tears, I can remember. I sat down beside her and she pulled me into a hug. She kissed my hair and cried, and cried until she couldnt cry anymore. And thats when I knew, I knew that Buffy wasnt coming home that night, or the night after, or maybe, ever. She was gone, like that and nothing would change it. Nothing.
The next morning, when I woke I rushed into Buffys room, calling her name. But she wasnt there, Mom was sitting on her bed crying, clutching a thin piece of white paper, with Buffys handwriting on it. I stood in the doorway, I was watching, everything was a mess. Her clothes moved, her cupboards were empty, her window was open, everything was wrong, wrong, wrong. It wasnt Buffys anymore, it was, empty. Gone.
I went back to my bedroom and dressed, getting ready for school. I had art class that morning, I remember, I was excited that my work had been chosen for display on the parent teacher night. Mom and Buffy were going, they would see how good I was, they would see. But Buffy wouldnt, and thats when I started to cry, slow at first and then I couldnt breath. It was like I was being suffocated, and I couldnt breath, couldnt move. I sat there like that for an age. And then, I stopped.
Every day for the first month she was gone, I would wake early and go to her room. She was never there, but sometimes Mom was. Sometimes, she slept in Buffys bed, or was over by Buffys mirror, touching her hairbrush and stroking her photograph, the one of her, Willow and Xander. As I would come in, Mom would look up at me, and I could see it there before her mouth even formed the words, Not today honey, not yet.EAnd then she would cry, and I would cry. We would cry before school, and I would cry after school when I came home and checked, and she wasnt home. Just Mom. Mom and meEfamily.
From what Mr Giles told Mom after that, things started clicking into place. Things made sense where before there were only confusion. Even when I was little, about nine I think, even then I saw things about Buffy mom didnt. One night after I had a nightmare, I went into Buffys room. I was terrified when I didnt see her there, and I called out to her, whispering at first then starting to yell. Thats when she called back to me, from outside the window and she climbed through. She was covered in blood, and her face was cut just above her eye, I was frightened when she reached out to me, she scared me at first, I thought she was a monster. I stepped back and Buffy grabbed me into a hug and shushed me. I remember feeling safe, like nothing could hurt me when Buffy was around, but I also remember feeling scared for her. I tried to ask her, what she was doing, where she had been, but Buffy told me, told me not to say anything, not to mention it again and to forget it. And I did, until I discovered what Buffy really was.
After we moved to Sunnydale, after we left L.A behind, we settled in. But things never really changed. Buffy would still creep out her bedroom window, and she would still come home covered in blood. A few times, when I stayed up late, I would walk by her door and see her. She would stand by the window with it open, and I saw her kissing this guy I hadnt even seen before. Later I found out off Mom that he was her history tutor'. From where I was standing, they didnt seem to get much studying done! In fact, from my view, what they were doing seemed really gross. But it was another side to Buffy, another one that mom didnt know about, another part of her that only seemed to come out at night.
Buffy has been gone for over three months now. Xander, Willow and Cordelia still call around at the house. I think they feel guilty, for mom or maybe for Buffy. But they are angry with her too. They dont say so, but I can tell, the way they avoid talking about her, as though she never existed. Xander is angry the most, I heard him joking about it once, he said something, horrible about her and what she was doing. Cordelia and Willow didnt laugh, they just, went silent, like what he was saying was probably true or something.
I think Willow misses her the most out of them. She always has the same looks as mom, right before she opens her bedroom door on a morning, and right before she finds it just the way she left it the night before. She has ...hope. I think Xander lost that hope a long time ago, kinda like Cordelia. But not me, I know Buffy will come back, one way or another, but I dont think she will be mended. She was broken when she left, I hope she doesnt come back shattered.
Without her around, the house seems, empty. Mom never leaves the house, but still, the house feels empty. Theres no laughter, no laughter since she left and what I miss most, what I miss most is the arguments. Mom and Buffy would always argue about Buffys schoolwork, then they would laugh about it afterwards. I miss that the most. Now, theres nothing.
I overheard the police talking to Mom and Mr Giles. They say they have dropped the murder charge against her, but she still got kicked out of school. Got kicked out of home, got kicked out period. Shes got gone now, left, took off, got lost, I dont know where. I blame mom for her leaving, I cant help it. I can hear her saying those words to her
"if you leave this house young lady, dont even think about coming back!"
Over and over they play in my mind, and every night I pray, I dont know to who. Maybe its to Buffy, maybe, but I plead with her, please, I want you back. She can come back, everyones sorry, we all miss her, I miss her. Were sorry.
Okay, not the best story ever I know, but I felt some of those things needed to be expressed by the characters, and who better than the newest character to sum up the situation. When I wrote this story (apart from finally being able to sleep on a night time), I think that I though the emotions that Dawn picked up on werent shown to Buffy, even after her return for Season Three. Now, maybe it satisfies me a bit more to be able to express the feelings everyone got from her leaving.
Once again, feedback is like sunshine on a rainy day in soggy Britain. So go ahead, even if it is to slate the story or offer improvements. Flames will be used to cook my dinner thoughEif I get enough feedback then I amy continue the whole idea as a kinda series. Only an IF.
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