BATTLEFIELD EARTH
A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 2000 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): * 1/2
In BATTLEFIELD EARTH, grown men get to dress up like Klingons having bad
hair days, while uttering some of the silliest dialog this side of a bad
1950s sci-fi flick. The theater should be required to have signs
warning customers: "Ye who enter in must be prepared to completely
suspend disbelief." Although the film has a few nice, but too dark,
special effects, the only reason to see the it is as a guilty pleasure,
so you can laugh at John Travolta in an embarrassingly bad performance.
His character laughs a lot, too - a hearty and silly "Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha,"
like a busted toy action figure whose voice chip is stuck in a loop.
Directed confusingly by Roger Christian (MASTERMINDS) and adapted for
the screen by first-timer Corey Mandell, the film is based, as most
people know, on the science fiction novel of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder
of the Church of Scientology. One can only hope the book was more
intelligent than it is portrayed on the screen.
Earth, we learn, in 3000 AD will look a lot like 3000 BC, thanks to our
having lost a 9-minute war with the Psychlos, an alien race who has no
respect for "man animals" or our "puny sized planet." Earthlings have
been reduced to cavemen, who worship the stars in the heavens as gods.
In an over-the-top performance, John Travolta plays Terl, the Psychlos'
security chief for earth and the story's main villain. He is a
slimeball who is hated by man animals and other Psychlos, as well.
(You'll be forced to stare at the Psychlos' ugly pusses and dirty teeth
in endless close-ups until you're ready to surrender.) Even Terl's
superiors hate him. "Look up," a visiting mucky-muck tells him. "One
day, you'll die. And when you end up in hell, it'll be a step up from
this planet." Poor earth, which is mainly in ruins, gets dissed a lot
in the movie.
The cinematography uses various shades of a slimy blue-green. The
picture tries hard to look gross and succeeds. Just to make sure that
no one is surreptitiously having a good time, there are some raw rat
eating scenes tossed in to spice up the viewing.
Against this race of oppressors, a hero rises up to smite them down. He
is Jonnie (Barry Pepper), a man animal whom Terl foolishly hooks up to
the Psychlos' learning machine. The Psychlos, who act like imbeciles,
think man animals are so stupid that they can't even be taught how to
operate simple machinery and are good only for manual labor.
Try to count the number of films that the movie borrows from liberally.
First and foremost is STAR WARS, but others include BUTCH CASSIDY AND
THE SUNDANCE KID, STAR TREK, BRAVEHEART, BLADE RUNNER, PLANET OF THE
APES, MAD MAX and Wagner's "The Ring" series of operas. But whereas the
originals are engrossing, BATTLEFIELD EARTH is long and tedious.
As a guilty pleasure, nothing is better than BATTLEFIELD EARTH's totally
preposterous concluding segment. As the cavemen keep saying "Piece of
cake," they become overnight experts in everything from advanced fighter
pilot skills to nuclear engineering. Wow, can those guys ever crack a
book. All of that time in the cave must have softened their brains into
veritable cranial sponges for knowledge, as they absorb facts at light
speed.
Whatever you do, try not to laugh. It may spoil the effect for those
around you. They may be buying the story, hook, line and stinker -- I
mean sinker.
BATTLEFIELD EARTH runs a long 1:57. It is rated PG-13 for violence and
would be acceptable for teenagers. Given the movie's dark intensity,
I'd be careful about taking kids under 13.
Email: Steve.Rhodes@InternetReviews.com
Web: http://www.InternetReviews.com
Have I seen this movie: Yes
And what did I think: I was deeply disappointed by Battlefield Earth. I was expecting an exciting sci-fi shoot-em up, save the earth thriller in the grand tradition of Independence Day. What I got was a rather boring movie where I kept looking at my watch to see when it would be over. The movie is devoid of any kind of excitement, has a terrible script, plot holes, and lifeless characters. The film just dragged on and on with way too many slow motion action shots. Heck, it took almost two minutes of the main human crashing through plates of glass after being shot. I didn't like the aliens which were called Psychlos, a stupid name to begin with. They were from where else... Planet Psychlo, which of course we didnt know exactly where it was. The aliens looked like Jamaican Klingons and were more pathetic then evil. I thought John Travolta would be playing this fearsome leader bent on global domination. Instead, he plays this security chief stuck at his job on Earth, and he wants to be able to mine gold. Travolta really hams it up here and the supporting cast is not much better. After the movie was done, I thought of so many plot holes. For instance, the Psychlos said the human race was conquered in 9 minutes. I guess we didnt bother to fight since the Fort they go to is stocked with military weapons never used. Also after a 1000 years, everything works in tip top shape as well. The Pscychos said they knew everything about the human race, yet for some reason they didn't know that Fort Knox existed stocked with Gold. They didn't think that humans would be even able to mine for gold, even after reading about all our accomplishments. Heck, they didnt even know what humans liked to eat, which set up one of the more stupider parts of the film. I never read L. Ron Hubbard's book, but I hope it was better then the movie. I hope this isn't the start of a slew of bad summer action flicks. Avoid Battlefield Earth, or you'll think a 1000 years have passed since you went into the theater.
I give Battlefield Earth 1.5 out of 5 stars
Review written May 17, 2000
