see mortimer drive down the road, see mortimer crash, see jess yell

ok, i'll admit it, i have an unhealthy love for my car.  it's my first and only car ever.  i love it.  i even named it.  oh, the joys mortimer has brought me!  he never left me stranded, never got me in trouble, and always got me where i wanted to go.  yes, mortimer is a right good car.  his sound system is like no other.  he handles like  dream.  mortimer is a 1987 blue grand am, a little past his prime, yes, but still such a nice car.  so when he got hurt, i was naturally very upset.

mortimer in trouble, part I  (the bitch that hurt him)

so, there i was driving to school after i dropped my older brother off at his house.  just sitting there in mortimer, enjoying the comfort of his interior and the tunes.  i was at a dead stop with the blinker on, patiently waiting in traffic to drive into the school's pot-hole hell they call a parking lot, and i was worried.  worried because i knew it was slippery.  see, it had been warm the night before, and then it snowed the next moring.  so, warm asphalt + snow + pressure from cars = no fun ice.  but mortimer had come to a stop like a pro, and all seemed well. 

but i should've known.  all bad things happen when you think it's all cool.  and a most unpleasant thought popped into my head, "man, if anyone hits me, i'll be so pissed!"  oh, i should be a damn psychic.  and so i look in my rearview mirror out of natural habit, and i saw it...

the car behind me was out of control!  it was sliding on that horrible slippery road headed straight for mortimer!  damned fiend!  and i could tell it was going fast, so i looked for a way out of its path, but none existed.  damn!  and so i tensed in anticipation of the blow that was to come. 

WHAM!

that bastard car hit mortimer on the right rear side, spinning him and me around.  luckily, i did not hit anyone in front of me.  unluckily, mortimer was hurt.  unluckily, my neck smarted somethin' awful.  and so i get out of my car, mighty pissed at this point to see who hit me.  she's crying, i'm mad.  not good.  she doesn't know what to do, and i just want to get the hell out of there, so i just decide to move mortimer out of the way of further damage, and then sit inside. 

associate principal mcnutty saw it all, so i am not to be blamed.  damn straight.  the rest of that day is spent finding out the appropriate info and ranting.  damn kids and their cars.  so, as of now, mortimer is still hurt.  in fact, his life is in danger!  they want to total him because the damage done to him is more expensive than he's worth.  not to me, damn it.  i love him.  it's just his skin that's hurt, his insides work just fine!  i say let him be!  patch him up and let him be!  but little did i know that more harm was to come to poor mortimer just a few days later...

mortimer in trouble, part II (stupid sloped driveways)

don't ever leave your guard down  not even for like 3 minutes.  bad things can happen in such a short time, yes, they can.  this lesson has been smashed into my head because of another car insident. 

so, i'm driving to school when i realize that i forgot my gym shoes, and since not dressing for gym class is some sort of capital crime punishable by caning, i go back home to get them.  i park in my normal, seemingly safe spot in my driveway, leave the car running, and put on the parking break (mortimer is manual).  i wait awhile as i always do to be sure mortimer doesn't try to escape.  he doesn't.  and i run inside to get the shoes.

inside, the family rests peacefully.  my shoes are just on my bed, so i run and get them.  don't want to be late and get a shitty parking spot.  i get them and rush out to my car that awaits me patiently in my driveway.  i go outside... and... my god!  where's mortimer?!  where's mortimer!?  i left him right here!  where is he!?  oh, there he is...

....in the ditch.  yes, that's right.  in the ditch, wedged up against rocks and my mailbox.  i drop all my stuff and bolt back inside.  i'm pissed.

inside, the family doens't rest.  i yell.  and yell.  and then get yelled at.  damn it all!  i've left mortimer alone like that countless times before!  why now?  so my dad has to drag a reluctant mortimer out of my ditch with his big truck, and yours truly scores a ride to school with her madre.  apparently in mortimer's previous scraping, his break lines were damaged. 

so what do we learn from this?  don't look in your rearview mirror, you'll only hurt yourself more.  don't leave anything alone, not even for 3 minutes.  and, above all, don't drive to school.  take the bus.  walk.  ride your bike.  fly.  teleport.  just don't drive your own beloved car. 

::sniff, sniff::  poor mortimer.  go back for more stories.