8.21.99

writing.  sometimes i wonder if it's my destiny, and others i think it's just a tease - you know, like the bunnies they use to get those dogs to race.  but i've written as long as i've been able to write. as long as i can remember. and i've looked at some of the past stuff - some 3 or more years old - and i can't help but wonder if i was better at it then.  sure, the pure mechanics of my writing may have improved, but there's something to be said about writing on impulse - without thinking about it too much.

i guess that's what i'm trying to recapture here.  because soon enough (too damn soon if you ask me),  i'll be sitting in bio class or something, listening to a lecture i don't give a damn about.  and inspiration knows no discretion.  it doesn't care if you're driving your car, laying awake at night trying to sleep, or taking a shit - it just strikes.  like now.  it's 2:40 in the morning and - bam! here it is.  lord, i've got notebooks full of this crap, some of it i haven't read since i've written it.  but here i am again writing and writing...and writing.  it's like i'm trying to catch something - there's always this sense of urgency when i write.  like if i don't get it down on paper, it'll be gone forever.  and i wonder how many thoughts do get lost in the time it takes them to travel from my mind to my pen.  and how many have been lost because some class was consuming my attention. 

(my house is making odd noises - the ones it only makes at night.  sometimes i wonder if i'm going mad.)

god, i don't want school to start.  it'll just suck all my creative juice again.  maybe that's why i feel like my writings have lost their qualilty - years upon years of damn teachers trying to get me to conform to the mindless ways of memorization.  too much energy spent on preparing for that next quiz and not enough on letting my creativity grow and flourish.  i say enough.  fuck school.  is it my fault they don't know a good thing when they see it?  and just because i have the potential to be valedictorian doesn't mean i have to fufill it.  why the hell does anyone care?  does it effect them if i don't fufill my potential?  hell no!  and maybe i am chasing the cliche pipe dream, but i'll be happy on my journey.  so everyone - fuck off.

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