LOS ANGELES, CA (OCTOBER 20, 1999)
At a press conference held in his Beverly Hills office, uber-agent, Michael Ovitz, announced he has worked out a deal for the worldwide domesticated feline population, or "cats" as they are more commonly known, that will give them the ability to breathe underwater in exchange for three of their nine lives.
"This is a tremendous day for cats everywhere", said a weary yet pleased Mr. Ovitz. "Although we regret having to sacrifice three lives, we feel the amount of lives saved by breathing underwater more than make up for it. It was a hard-fought negotiation, but I think we came up with a fair deal for both sides."
Mr. Ovitz wouldn't comment on who exactly he negotiated with or how he communicated with the cats themselves. When pressed on the issue he responded, "Those detals are confidential under our agreement and if you ask me that question again I'll sue your ass, pencilneck!"
Phone calls to noted animal expert, Dr. Doolittle, went unreturned.
News of the deal spread quickly with favorable reaction; except for the residents of Littletown, Nebraska where the deal is just another sign of the end of Smalltown, America.