LANCASTER, CA (OCTOBER 18, 1999)
Three children aged six, five, and two, died a firey violent death at the hands of faulty wiring. The faulty wiring was then sent to bed without supper as punishment by homeowner, Joe Tucker. "You hate to punish one of your own, but gosh darn it, this was serious", said an exasperated and soot-covered Mr. Tucker.
Mr. Tucker adopted the wiring when he bought the house ten years ago. Two years later, he began to suspect his adopted wiring was somehow "faulty".
"At first it was little things", Mr. Tucker explained. "You know...a blown fuse, the toaster shorting out, things like that. I thought if I was patient, the wiring would grow out of it. Boy howdy was I wrong!"
In addition to being sent to bed without dinner, the faulty wiring will probably receive additional punishment as soon as Mr. Tucker is released from the hospital, suffering from third degree burns covering 30% of his body.
"I hate to even mention this, but I may have to have the wiring F-I-X-E-D", whispered Mr. Tucker.
On a brighter note, the funeral expenses for Mr. Tucker's family will be covered by the advance he will receive from the Fox Television show, "When Good Wiring Goes Bad", who has purchased the rights to Mr. Tucker's story.
"God bless America and God bless Fox!", gushed a bloodied, burned, yet unbeaten Mr. Tucker.