MURIETTA, GA (October 24, 1999)
In a study released by the American Association of Racist Sociologists and Census Takers, it was discovered that the white supremacist movement would be a lot more successful if it wasn’t inundated by so many ugly chicks. The findings were presented at the annual "If Not White Now, White When?" conference where dignitaries from across the country gather to discuss new ways to further the white agenda.
"We’ve concluded that the presence of ugly chicks in our movement is pushing our young recruits towards other activities such as sports which tend to attract the hot chicks," said keynote speaker David Stephenson. "If we don’t get some hotties in here, and quick, the notion of a pure white race may be doomed," he continued.
A statistical breakdown of white supremacist chicks:
|
Coyote Ugly* |
46% |
|
Not Even with Your Dick Ugly |
20% |
|
12-pack Ugly |
16% |
|
6-pack Ugly |
10% |
|
Doable |
7% |
|
Fuckable |
3% |
|
*A girl so ugly you’d rather gnaw off your own arm then risk waking her up the next morning. Taken from the practice of coyotes caught in traps who gnaw off their own leg to stave off death. |
|
"As you can see, the situation is serious, but not dire," Mr. Stephenson continued. "If we can replace just 10% of the Coyote Uglies with girls who fall into the 12-pack and/or 6-pack category, I think we have a really good shot at recruitment and retention." Mr. Stephenson outlined several proposals to increase the comely ranks of the white movement including approaching teen celebrities as spokespeople. "I want to get that Jennifer Love Hewitt, she’s just so adorable, and a shining example of God blessing the white race," he said.
Jennifer Love Hewitt could not be reached for comment.
An informal survey of local high schoolers seems to back up Mr. Stephenson’s data. "Dude, if I thought joining the KKK would get me into Janie Hansen’s pants, I’d say ‘pass me the cross, and I’ll burn that sonofabitch down on Jesse Jackson’s front lawn!’," said Jimmy (last name withheld). His buddy, Jim Bob, concurred by saying, "Fuck yeah, dude! White power, now blow me!"