Deep
Thoughts
This
is really a long page. But full with interesting contents that I've found
on the Internet. You might need to take a long read at this. Some are funny
and some need a bit of thinking. That's why I called this page Deep Thoughts.
Well, enjoy the reading and have a nice day!
A man calls up an operating
systems technical support line,
and says that the disk drive
won't read any of the system software
disks. The computer just
won't load the program to his hard drive.
The techi says, 'Did you
insert disk 1?' The man replied, 'Yes, and
disk 2, 3, 4 and 5.' The
techi says to the man, have you inserted all
the disks that shipped with
the program?' The man then replies, 'I've
tried, but I can't fit any
more in.' What the man had done was put
disk 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 in all
at once, fitting (well, jamming) them into the
drive!
Who's General Failure and
why's he reading my disk?
The most frustrating computer
error message of all time: 'Keyboard
not responding. F1 to proceed.'
A drunkard jobless Indian
stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a magical genie Singh with a
turban appeared and said "I grant you two wishes, Macha.." The Indian thought
for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a Chinaman! Poof! When
the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair jelled and
combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in hand. As he
walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own reflection.
Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion.
The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained " Are you
deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a
Chinaman!" I don't want to be a Chinaman because they cheat, lie and con
their way to become rich..." The genie reminded him that he's entitled
to one more wish "What do you want then, Muthu?" To which Muthu quickly
replied " I just want to be rich and I don't want to work!" Poof! He was
transformed into a Bumiputra...
Three tourists, an American,
an Indonesian and a Malaysian were having a drink at a penthouse bar in
downtown Tokyo. The American ordered a bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey,
took just a sip and threw the whole bottle out of the window. He explained
to his astounded acquaintances "Where I come from, Jack Daniels is cheap
and plentiful, so it has become a habit of of ours to do that". Not to
be outdone, the Indonesian promptly lit up a Gudang Garam (clove) cigarette,
took a puff and threw the whole pack out of the window. He explained "
Where I come from, Gudang Garam is cheap and plentiful, so it has become
a habit of ours to do that". The Malaysian, eager to impress, threw the
Indonesian out of the window, and explained "Where I come from Indonesians
are…."
An irishman walks into the
Guinness world records office, and
announces that he has set
a new record. An a man in charge says
'well,... what is it?' and
the irishman says 'I've completed this 200
piece jigsaw puzzle, and
it only took me 18 months!' And the man
says 'Well,... why should
that be a new world record?!' And the
irishman says 'It said on
the box 3 to 5 years!'
What does a fish say when
it runs into a concrete wall?
Answer: 'dam'
Did you hear about the guy
that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
He's all right now.
What do prisoners use to
call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang
that doesn't work?
A stick.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an 'A'
bra.
Why are there so many Smiths
in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do ghosts ride elevators?
To RAISE their spirits!
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because B shells are too
small and D shells are too big.
One time this man was looking
for a horse; he needed a good strong
fast horse.
So as he was driving along
a country road looking for places that
might be selling horses when
he saw the most beautiful horse he
had ever seen. He noticed
it was for sale and for a very very cheap
price, so he decides to check
it out. So he goes up to the man who
owns this horse and asks
what is wrong with such a horse to be
sold at such a cheap price.
And the man replies, 'there is nothing
wrong with this horse except
the fact that it was trained by a pastor
so instead of saying getiup
to get it to start you say praise the lord,
and instead of woooh to get
it to stop you have to say amen'. So the
man decides this isnt so
bad so he decides to take it for a test ride.
So he takes the horse out
and says getiup and the horse doesn't do
anything. He says gettiup,
and the horse still doesn't do anything.
Then he remembers what the
man said so then he says 'praise the
lord', then the horse begins
to walk. He decides this is such a
smooth walk, let's try a
trot.
So he says 'praise the lord'
and the horse goes to a trot. Then he
says 'praise the lord' again
and the horse begins to gallop and the
guy is so amazed at how smooth
the horse rides that he doesn't
realize there is a very large
cliff in front of him so he yells
'wooohhh woooohh' but the
horse doesn't stop. 'Oh yeah amen' then
the horse stops just at the
edge of the cliff right before it went over,
then the man wiped his the
sweat from his head and said 'praise the
lord'
Q: What's the last thing
you take off before you go to sleep?
A: Your feet off the floor
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't
work.
What did one wall say to
the other?
I'll meet you at the corner!
Why can't a bank keep a secret?
Because there are too many
tellers!
Which are the stronger of
the days?
Sat. and Sun. because the
others are weak days!
Why did the robber take a
bath?
So he could make a clean
getaway!
What is faster, heat or cold?
Heat is, because you can
catch a cold!
Announcement on the office
PA system: 'This is a tornado drill.
Please move quickly away
from any and all windows.' Then
somebody yelles out: 'Quick,
get to a DOS prompt!'
If a book about failures
doesn't sell, is it a success?
What is the speed of dark?
Why do scientists call it
research when they are looking for something new?
If man evolved from monkeys
and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do we drive on a parkway
and park on a driveway?
A bus station is where a
bus stops. A Train station is where a train stops. and on my desk i have
a work station....
I don't have a solution,
but I admire your problem.
Y2K???? Maybe 1 K just isn't
enough.
Why do people order a Big
Mac and Fries and then order a diet Coke?
Why is it that when someone
tastes something bad, that want you to try it, but when it tastes good
they won't share?
If the black box of the airplane
is made to be indestructable, why isn't the whole plane made of the same
material?!
Why do we press harder on
remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?
Redundancy is so common.
If ATM means 'Automatic Teller Machine' Why do people say ATM machine?
And if PIN means 'Personal Identification Number' why do people say PIN
number?
If pointers point, why don't
fingers fing?
If a member of a synchronized
swimming team drowns, do the rest also drown?
Why is it that someone can
tell us there are a billon stars in the sky and we believe them, but if
someone tells us there is wet paint we have to touch it to find out?
Some advice: If you ever
catch on fire try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet
thats what really throws you into a panic.
What's the big deal about
being right?
Even a stopped clock is right
twice a day.
There are good jokes and
there are bad jokes...you have just read one of the bad ones...
Broken promises don't upset
me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If I ever get real rich,
I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
I can picture in my mind
a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking
that world, because they'd never expect it.
Whenever I see an old lady
slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then
I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem
quite so funny.
If a kid asks where rain
comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if
he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably
because of something you did'.
What happens if you get scared
half to death twice?
If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
Is a barber who works in
a Library called a Barbarian?
For mad scientists who keep
brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar,
for freshness?
A funny thing to do is, if
you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell
him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that
you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going
to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you
feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
As a young boy, when you
get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should
go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you
are: dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by
and splashed him again.
Here's a good trick: Get
a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record,
pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start
now?"
I bet a funny thing about
driving a car off a cliff is that while you're in midair, you still hit
those brakes!
If you were a pirate, you
know what would be the one thing that would make you really mad? Treasure
chests with no handles. How the heck are you supposed to carry it?!?
If you're in a war, instead
of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking,
you can throw a real grenade at them.
Sometimes, when I lie in
bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really
need to fix that roof."
I wish I had a dollar for
every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money
back.
I wish outer space guys would
conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have
one of those little beds with my name on it.
If I ever become a mummy,
I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a
spring shoots out.
If I was being executed by
injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get
me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection!" They'd probably
feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
If you go through a lot of
hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
If you're ever selling your
house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging
the rat trap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's
your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
Instead of raising your hand
to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk?
That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and
it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the
class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against
a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
One day I wept, for I had
no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
I mean, it's not like he's gonna need 'em anyway, right?
One day one of my little
nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that
went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh
and laugh, because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing
he would forget what he had asked me.
One thing kids like is to
be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland,
but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said.
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down,
he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Sometimes when I feel like
killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over
to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the
door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'- lantern
with a knife in the side of its head, with a note that says "You". After
that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
The big, huge meteor headed
toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly
on top of the meteor (through some kind of space warp or something). "Go,
Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the big-guy
general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've
got to steer that meteor away from Earth." Yes, but how? Thought Bob. Then
he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out
of the meteor.
What am I afraid of? I'll
tell you: a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you might
ask. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer.
First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
When I was a child, there
were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way
to do that was to turn on the TV.
When you're going up the
stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep
people from following too close.
Children need encouragement.
So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way,
he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Sometimes I think you have
to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your
rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out,
slam the door.
Don't ever get your speedometer
confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the
later you think you are.
Living on Earth may be expensive,
but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Marta was watching the football
game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on
the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another
group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
One thing that makes me believe
in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
I wonder if angels believe
in ghosts.
Life is a highway--enjoy
the ride.
Sometimes the best part of
a trip is not the destination, but being lost along the way.
The will to win is nearly
as important as the will to prepare to win.
Happiness is not the absence
of problems, but rather the ability to deal with them.
He who is good at making
excuses is seldom good at anything else.
When opportunity knocks,
don't fail to answer the door.
There is a great difference
between knowledge and intelligence.
Friends come and go, but
enemies accumulate.
Never forget that only 3%
of our DNA separates us from chimpanzees.
Don't make fun of people
who speak broken English, it means that they know another language.
Always be yourself and life
will take care of the rest.
A cigarette is a pinch of
tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.
Courage is not the absence
of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important
than fear.
Human are born with two eyes,
but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they
say.
The mind is like the stomach.
It not how much you put into it, but how much it digests.
Teachers open the door; you
enter by yourself.
Imagination is more important
than knowledge.
Experience is the worst teacher,
it gives the test before the lesson.
The golden opportunity you
are seeking lies within yourself.
Don't be sad it's over...
be happy it happened!
If life is a highway, then
it's a traffic jam.
Success is not a destination,
but rather a journey
Minds are like parachutes
they only work when they are open.
Everyone makes mistakes.
It is what you do afterwards that counts.
The best place to find a
helping hand is at the end of your own arm.
We seek the comfort of another.
Someone to share and share the life we choose. Someone to help us through
the never-ending attempt to understand ourselves. And in the end, someone
to comfort us along the way.
If you love something let
it go, if it comes back to you it's yours, if not it never was.
Laziness is the habit of
resting before you get tired.
It is better to make a mistake
than to make nothing, it is worse to do nothing and make many mistakes.
A fool is one who one who
never learns from their mistakes, a smart man will learn from his mistakes,
and a wise will learn from the mistakes of others.
Life is a test that we make,
take, and grade ourselves.
The world is round and the
place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.
Friendship is like money,
easier made than kept.
We learn from history that
we do not learn anything from history.
The difference between genius
and stupidity is that genius has it limits.
Gambling: The sure way of
getting nothing for something.
Experience is that marvelous
thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
The person who provides the greatest
service will enjoy the greatest success.
Wherever you see a successful
business, someone once made a courageous decision.
Wealth is the product of
man's capacity to think.
I have not failed, I've just
found many ways that didn't work.
Tough times don't last, bur
tough people do!
If you can dream it, you
can do it.
Courage is doing what you
are afraid to do. There can be no courage without fear.
It is in your moments of
decision that your destiny is shaped.
Whatever the mind of a man
can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
Destiny isn't a matter of
chance, it's a matter of choice.
I do the very best I know
how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep doing so until the end.
Any comments? Please feel free to drop me an
e-mail at bsb_911@hotmail.com
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