Free of Me


by LucyHale

The world had blown up around him three hours ago. And for once, it wasn't him that had been hurt by it. It wasn't even work that had brought he and Jim and Rafe and Brown together. They had gone to lunch. Nothing was supposed to happen at lunch. Stupid to think that. Something always happened. Trouble followed him and Jim around everywhere. It was as inevitable as the sun rising in the morning. No. Inevitable as the sunset, not the sunrise. Endings, not beginnings. Blair raised a hand to his eyes, rubbing tiredly.

The instant he shut his eyes he saw flashes of earlier that day -- he saw blood, he heard those last few gasped words. He flinched at the sight, but he didn't open his eyes. He knew full well that the vision would be with him for a long time, keeping him company in his sleep. He numbly reached down and pulled the lid off the box. Among other small, private items, there was a plain white envelope. He pulled it out and stared for a long moment at the name written on the front.

*Blair* Nothing fancy, nothing wasted. Just a name. He reached down and opened it, pulling out a couple of sheets of paper. The handwriting was strange to look at -- as long as he'd known the writer, he hadn't had many chances to see anything hand-written. He had to force himself to focus on the first lines.

*I wish I knew the path to your heart -- it's only visible in the dark. I felt my way along through the flirting and innuendoes And found that part you hide away from the light. Your tongue conjures up the sweetest pain, Good-byes, sighs, moans and groans. Beginnings and endings.*

A face flashed into his visions. A man filled his mind. First as Blair had last seen him, choking on his own blood, breathing his last. And then as Blair had been introduced to him, two years ago.

*All I need is a chance to get into your heart You wouldn't know I was even there Among the loves lost and abandoned.*

Like an avalanche, the memories spilled down over him:

"Hey, Chief, get your ass over here." Blair rolled his eyes as he stood. Consistency would be a little nice. A simple thing to ask for. Every other day it was 'Sandburg, get out of here', 'Sandburg, this is police business, you don't belong.' 'Fuck off, Chief, we're talking shop.' Once, one time he decides to come in and sit quietly until called for, and Jim's bitching him out for it. Blair made his way to his partner's side.

"What's up, Jim?"

"We got a break-in at the mint to check out. You ready to go?" Blair whistled.

"The mint? Anything get taken?"

"Nah, guys got stopped by the night guards. We need to find out how they got in in the first place." Jim headed for the door without looking back to make sure Blair was following. Blair was following, of course. But only until his eyes caught on an unfamiliar man standing by Henri Brown's desk, and he froze. He hadn't felt a jerk towards a guy just by looking at him since the day he met Jim Ellison. Jim the terminally straight, uptight, right wing ex-Military, no hope for him Ellison. It had taken Blair a long time after meeting him to content himself with being friends and partners with the detective. He'd had to repress a lot of hormones and emotions where his roommate was concerned, and suddenly they were all flaring up again.

"--the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh. Uh, sorry. What were you saying?" Jim glared at him impatiently.

"I wasn't saying, I was leaving. You want to move your feet?"

"Jim, who is that?" Blair nodded towards the man that had caught his eye.

"New guy, straight from patrol. Name's Rafe. Brian Rafe, I think. Why?"

"Nothing," Blair replied absently, forcing his feet to follow his partner. His eyes stayed on the new man until he was out the door. His thoughts stayed with him a lot longer. The introduction hadn't come until after they got back from lunch. Jim went and holed himself up with Simon to talk cop talk, and Blair was left at his desk, flipping aimlessly through the file.

"Hey, Hairboy!" He glanced up at Henri Brown's grinning face.

"Hey, H." His eyes immediately went to the man at Henri's side. Forcing his voice to be casual, he smiled.

"Who's this?"

"My new partner. Blair Sandburg, Brian Rafe." Rafe reached out a hand and shook Blair's with a smile. The second their hands touched a bolt of energy passed between them. Rafe's smile went crooked, and he pulled his hand back a little too slowly.

"Blair isn't a cop, if you couldn't tell by looking at him. He rides with Ellison, student at Rainier." Blair held his gaze for a long moment.

"It's nice to meet you."

"Yeah, you too." Blair's smile grew at the sound of his voice. An accent? Something faint, whatever it was. Nice.

"Yo, H. Wife's on the phone." The voice came from behind them, Dills.

Brown rolled his eyes. "I'll be right back."

Blair had never been so glad to see his friend leave. He kept his eyes on Rafe.

"So, this is your first day?" Rafe nodded, perching at the side of Jim's desk.

"And why is a student at Rainier riding with a detective?"

"I'm working on my thesis," Blair said automatically.

Rafe blinked. "Okay."

"It's a long story." Rafe smiled then, a wide, genuine expression that lit his handsome face.

"You'll have to tell it to me sometime." Blair returned the smile, flashing his teeth in his patented lady-killer grin. Guaranteed to win over most warm-blooded human beings. "I'll do that. Maybe over dinner." A part of him was screaming at him to shut up, demanding to know what he was thinking asking out a man at the station without even a second thought.

Rafe's easy smile shut that voice up. "Maybe."

*If you only knew the lengths I'd go to see you smile. You'd laugh. Slowly I revealed myself a piece at a time Waiting for the hour you grew tired of my touch. I began with my faults so everything afterwards Would make me seem better than I am. How much of yourself will you show Before the risk exceeds the return?*

Things had avalanched after that, at such an incredible rate even Blair was swept away by it. Rafe had taken him completely by surprise. He was passionate, devoted, and from the moment they had first made plans for dinner no one existed for Rafe but Blair.

*I can't place my finger on the precise moment my world Began revolving around you. I know I am alive when you smile And I die a hundred times on your lips.*

Blair was thrilled by it. Finally, one person he responded to actually responded back, and Rafe was everything Jim wasn't. He was energetic -- the only detective in Major Crimes that was Blair's age. He was warm, he was expressive, and he wasn't afraid to admit that he loved Blair with everything in his heart. Blair loved him to, he was sure of it. He still couldn't hide pangs of regret and pain whenever he saw Jim and the different women on his arm every week, but Rafe was about the best distraction he could have hoped for.

*I love with a recklessness that frightens more than it endears. No hesitation, no second thoughts. All we have in common fades away and only love matters.*

They didn't tell anyone about their relationship. Rafe was worried about being the New Guy in MC, and Blair's position there was always precarious. Word of a homosexual relationship would have probably ruined both of them. Aside from having to keep secrets from Jim, there were no dark spots with Rafe. So Blair settled in to the idea of being devoted to the handsome detective, and they were happy. Blair loved to be able to make Rafe happy with just a word or a look. He loved having a partner as responsive as the open young detective. And God, the sex was good. They fit together in every aspect.

*Who gave you permission to rule my heart? No invitation, no RSVP. You devastated me. With every kiss my will crumbled and fell Till nothing was left of me that you didn't possess And I never minded.*

Rafe opened up to Blair, telling him all his hidden fears and secrets. They talked for hours at a time about the concerns they both had -- Rafe was always worried about not measuring up, not being good enough to have people depending on him for their lives. Blair was always worried about not being a good enough partner for Jim, about letting him down when it counted the most. Rafe told Blair about a violent childhood in Pretoria, South Africa, and Blair told Rafe about growing up with Naomi. Rafe shyly revealed his secret talents as a writer, and Blair helped him get published in a few campus literary journals. They were happy.

*I'd never leave you lonely; I would never leave you at all. I die a little each time we part My heart sings the sincerity of my words.*

And then Jim had fucked it all up. Jim had come in one day earlier than he should have, and his overdeveloped senses had overheard them talking. Nothing too racy, but they made it clear in private conversations how much they cared about each other.

*The dull light mocked the honey hued afterglow Of our twilights together; absently I traced the words love and loss In the steam on the bathroom mirror, and signed it with a happy face.*

Jim had come in and acted nice and casual until Rafe took off, then turned on Blair with fury.

"You son of a bitch. I respect privacy as much as the next guy, but there are a few important things I think you should let your partner in on." Blair didn't need to guess what the problem was. He sank down on the sofa in the living room and groaned.

"You were listening in on us, weren't you?"

"I overheard some things, yeah. You didn't think you should tell me that you were dating a fucking detective? Someone I work with?"

"A man?" Blair added blandly.

*I should have left the thought in my pocket. Instead I dared to fly and fell on my face. I lacked substance, I lacked sense, and I lost you To love, to life as I waste away.*

"Fuck that, Chief. I couldn't give a shit about that." Jim paced around the couch and came up in front of him. "Why Rafe? How long has this been going on, anyway?"

"About five months." Blair met his eyes defiantly. Jim let out a curse and dropped his head into his hands.

"God dammit."

"What?" Blair felt a sudden burst of anger. The last thing he needed was Jim getting on his case. For months Jim had made him miserable, when Blair had been certain he'd never be able to love anyone else. Now that he had Rafe and he was happy, Jim was going to try and ruin that?

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why should it matter to you who I go out with? I've been seeing one person for five months, you should be happy for me. No more table legs, right?"

Jim shook his head. "Chief, that's not the point."

"What is the point?"

"Why...why didn't you tell me?"

"About which part? Men? Or that specific man?"

"All of it. Any of it. Christ, you're the one always saying we have to be open and share everything. I thought we were partners."

Blair sat up, his brow furrowed. This wasn't the reaction he was expecting. "We are, man. You know that."

"Yeah? It doesn't feel like that to me. I have to tell you when spices in foods make me feel weird; you don't have to tell me major life choices? Where's the partnership there?"

Blair blinked, actually feeling a little guilty. "Wow, Jim, I just never thought of it that way. I was so sure you..."

"What?"

"I thought you'd rather not know." Jim shook his head, sinking down onto the sofa beside his partner. There was an inexplicably sad look on his face.

"I wish you'd told me. I wish..."

Blair faced his roommate, unused to the solemn, personal note in Jim's voice. "What do you wish?"

Jim sucked in a deep breath, bracing himself, his body tensing all over. "I wish you'd told me you were into men before you met Rafe."

It took Blair's mind a minute to compute that. "What?"

Jim smiled faintly, sad. "I wish you had told me when I still had a chance with you."

It was everything Blair had hoped for. In that one instant, he was looking at realizing his greatest dreams. "Jim..."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry I said anything." Jim pushed himself to his feet.

*You left the lights on when you went Didn't spare me the prick of seeing you walk out. In some masochistic manner I wanted to be hurt. I needed to be, for the pain comforts me better than my fears.*

Blair stood like a shot, grabbing his arms before he could walk away. "What are you saying here, Jim?"

Jim looked away, his lips tightening. "It hardly matters now, does it?"

"Of course it matters! You're my partner, my best friend!"

"Yeah, and I want to keep it that way. I won't try to come between you two if you're really serious."

Blair squeezed his arms tight enough to cause pain. "Jim, tell me how you feel. I know it isn't easy for you, but tell me."

Jim shook his head. "Chief, it doesn't--"

"Blair! My name is Blair! Tell me! Forget anything you heard before you came in, just tell me!"

Jim shrugged. "I don't know. I care about you, Ch...Blair. I care a lot. I..." He looked away uncomfortably. "I'm not good with talking this way."

Blair moved into Jim's vision, baring the full impact of his blue eyes into Jim's. "Try."

Jim heaved a sigh. "All right. I love you. I have for a long time now, maybe since the beginning. I don't know. I tried denying it for a while, but it hasn't gone away."

Blair swallowed, his heart pounding in his chest. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Table leg, remember?" Jim smiled nervously. "You seemed like you loved the ladies. I didn't think I stood a chance."

"Oh my God." Blair shut his eyes, a smile appearing. "We've been so dumb."

"Wait. You mean...you...me...?" Jim was always at his most articulate when expressing emotions. "I mean I've loved you forever, Jim." Jim met his eyes, a glow on his face Blair had never seen. His eyes gleamed with happiness, but his expression was serious. "What about Rafe?"

Blair's grin faded, and he looked down. Brian. Damn.

*Don't speak to me about how We'll always be friends. I have no need of friendship Especially with someone whose name is etched on my heart. You'd break it and never know...I wouldn't tell you How much it hurt me every time you said I love him.*

Rafe seemed to have sensed something was coming the second Blair asked him to come to the loft. When Blair answered the door, Rafe flashed him a nervous smile. "Hi again." Blair let him in, trying to calm his nerves. God, he hated this. He hated breaking up with people he cared about. He'd left so many women, unable to be happy with anyone of that gender, and a few men who hadn't measured up to Jim. No one like Rafe, though. No one he cared about so much and for so long.

"Come on in, babe." The endearment slipped out before he could stop it, and he winced. Rafe caught the gesture and stiffened. He came in slowly, moving like he was coming to his own funeral.

"We need to talk, Brian."

"I had a feeling." Rafe looked around, keeping his back to Blair. "Where's Jim?"

"He left for a few minutes."

Rafe stopped where he stood, his head bowing. Blair came up behind him, slipping a hand on his shoulder.

"Brian, this isn't--" Rafe shrugged away from him, taking a few steps further into the living room.

"I...I knew it would happen." Blair heard the waver in that usually strong voice and stopped coming towards him. "I think I always knew I was a substitute," Rafe went on quietly.

"No," Blair answered firmly. "Never. I wanted you, Rafe. The person you are."

Rafe nodded almost imperceptibly. He turned his profile towards Blair, unable to face him any further.

"But you only wanted me because you couldn't have him." Blair opened his mouth to argue, but the honest part of his nature wouldn't let him. It was true, and he despised himself for it.

*He has his hands around your heart and I cannot find The words I need to say to keep your eyes on me. I haven't his piercing blue eyes or rousing voice Which could speak no dissonant phrase.*

Rafe took his silence as an answer. He swallowed convulsively. "What--" His voice cracked. He drew in a deep breath, and tried again almost angrily. "What changed?"

"It doesn't--"

"Yes, it does! Did he just change his mind, or what? What changed, Blair?"

Blair shook his head again, his eyes watering uncontrollably. He did care about Rafe. He loved him, he truly did. But Jim was...everything.

"He loves me, Brian." It was just a whisper, but it had the effect of a physical blow.

Rafe sagged on his feet, his hands going around his stomach, breathing in raggedly. Blair moved to his side instinctively.

"Brian, please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

*I could fit anywhere, could be anything Except what was desired. I let go because I feel too strongly I hold myself because I'm not strong enough to do anything else.*

"You love him," Rafe said, his head still bowed. He hugged himself tightly. "I've always known that. I just didn't think..."

Blair reached out, but paused. He had touched every part of that body over many long nights before this, but now he was hesitant to even touch his arm.

"Brian..."

"Blair, don't." Rafe pulled away again, turning and going past Blair towards the door.

"Brian, stop! Please, don't leave like this." Rafe turned back, and Blair caught full sight of his agonized face.

"There's no point in me staying. It's over. I wish you both luck." He swallowed, and looked like he wanted to say something else. After a minute, though, he turned and walked out the door, shutting it gently behind him.

Blair leaned against the wall, his eyes shutting. That was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do. And God, he and Jim had to go to the station tomorrow and see him again.

*I hate the love shining in your eyes And I'm disgusted with myself for not being all you wanted. No, I am what is wrong with me. He thinks of smiling and like a flame kissed ice cube You become wet, dripping from my hand.*

Rafe kept his distance from them. He couldn't hide how miserable he was, and Henri had actually come to Blair for advice, saying they seemed to be friends. Blair and Jim were happy together, happier than Blair had ever been with anyone. But Rafe was always there in the shadows of his mind, and as time went on Blair couldn't face him. Rafe tried a few times to offer his friendship.

He had asked Blair to lunch once or twice, but Blair always made an excuse. He couldn't deal with Rafe. He couldn't deal with the emotions he himself had caused in the sweet, caring man. Rafe tried one last time to ask Blair for a talk over some coffee. Blair shot him down before he could finish his question, and a look of deep hurt washed over Rafe. He nodded, his eyes going to the floor, and turned and walked away.

*Heaven help the man who dares to break your heart. In my world, you reign supreme. Your laughter is the sunshine and your tears currency. I swore to wash myself and be free of your scent but I couldn't scrub you away. Why do you labor so fiercely to push me away Making me a villain when all I do is care?*

After that, Rafe left him alone entirely. He wouldn't meet Blair's eyes anymore; he wouldn't talk to Jim unless it was absolutely work related. He was much more listless than he had ever been, Blair saw that easily. Rafe had been one of the most popular detectives in MC -- he was polite, charming, nice to a fault, and always cheerful.

But now he didn't say much to many people. He was met with a lot of whispers wherever he went, people wondering what had happened to the vibrant young man they had known. It killed Blair to see it happen. Every time he heard someone mention Rafe's name, he felt a twinge of guilt. He hadn't been fair to Rafe, not since the first day he had known him.

It was true; Rafe had just been a substitute. He turned out to be everything Blair could have hoped for from anyone, but he wasn't Jim. And Blair couldn't love him, as much as he wanted to.

*You can't see me as more than a friend, Stereotyped in a role I have long since outgrown. Don't you understand I'd do anything for you? That my greatest mistake was in caring for you? I believed I loved you, believed and accepted. True my love is a worthless thing but something must be found In these phrases of loss and lust, something must be said for my lack. I am set firm in my ways and ideals, though my view be wider than some. Dreams find my slumber as easily as nightmares give way to reality.*

Rafe didn't deserve that. He had given everything to Blair. He had given his heart and soul, and Blair took it without shame, without admitting to himself that everything about it was wrong. Jim tried to comfort him, and Blair got to the point where he simply couldn't allow himself to think about Rafe anymore. He and Jim were together. He and Jim were everything. Jim did more than love him -- he filled a hole in his spirit that had always been missing. Blair's life consisted of long nights wrapped in his lover, long days of caring and worrying and laughing and adoring each other.

Things seemed so right, so perfect, that Blair could no longer remember his life before Jim had confessed his feelings.

*Lying naked with a nipple pressed against my back Recalling these intimacies I wonder how I remembered to think without your whispers; I've forgotten how to live without you here. Loving you would be so simple: We'd be together and the universe could fend for itself.*

And then one day Rafe showed up at the station smiling, and when he was greeting everyone, he looked directly at Blair, and his smile didn't fade. Blair felt his heart rising. Rafe looked so much like his old self suddenly; it was like the only black spot of Blair's world was lifting. He returned Rafe's smile happily.

*Maybe if I love him, life wouldn't be so lonely. Maybe if I make him happy I'd be able to laugh more often. Is what he sees in me enough to keep him around After my love has failed? After the romance has fizzled? And my 'love notes' on the bathroom mirror Annoy him to no end? In the end, of course, it doesn't matter. I would be a fool if I let opportunity pass me by again. I would be your fool.*

Brown beamed when Blair asked him about his partner's sudden shift in behavior. He announced to Blair in secret that Rafe had come out of the closet to him, and had himself a boyfriend. Brown had been shocked, but the reappearance of Rafe's old familiar smile was enough to make him accepting of it.

Blair grinned like a maniac all day, and when he got home he pinned Jim to their bed upstairs and for once made love to him without guilt. He had wanted Rafe to be happy, and now he had it. He had everything.

*I'm strong, and know the reason for the tears on my cheeks:*

That passed too soon, though. Too soon Rafe stopped coming in smiling and cheerful. He didn't revert back to what he had been -- he still said hi to Blair and Jim every day, still talked and laughed with Henri, but the flash had gone out of his step. Blair assumed and H confirmed that Rafe and his new man had broken up.

*My other wasn't enough to bring me back from the dead So I sink into selfishness and self-pity. I cannot recall my face. I was good once, we all were; Left within shadows, wishing everything would fall into place. Sometimes it's hard remembering to forget.*

But Blair could talk to him now, and was relieved that if nothing else, Rafe wasn't dwelling on their past together any more.

But then, maybe a week ago, Rafe came up to him when he was alone at Jim's desk. He had held out a white envelope with Blair's name on it. Blair took it and looked up with a smile.

"What's this?"

Rafe didn't smile back. "It's for you. Don't open it..." He hesitated. "Don't open it until it doesn't matter anymore."

"What do you mean?" Blair's smile faded as he took in the pained look in those familiar hazel eyes.

"Wait until we don't know each other anymore. When you're sure you're never going to see me again, open it."

Blair looked down at the envelope. "Brian, I don't--"

"Promise me, Blair."

He looked up and met the detective's eyes. "Okay, I promise," he said at last.

Rafe relaxed a little.

"Tell me what's in it, Brian."

Rafe straightened. "Nothing much. I just wrote...how I feel." He glanced down at the envelope, then back at Blair. His eyes were sad. "Nothing important."

Blair stood when he turned, but didn't say or do anything as Rafe walked away.

*Anyone who said love is easy never had to walk away And know they had left their heart behind. It is transparent in pure form but outside influences can cross signals. Loss is love's better half sometimes coupled with betrayal and disgust. Walking away always looks simpler than it is. Choosing what you take with you and what you abandon. You pack with one eye open, its twin guarded from tears As the life you had so carefully sewn tears itself apart. Yes, love is transparent, but it's no good when you can't see in the dark. Songs take on a hitherto unseen morbid quality instead of celebration. Your soul is awake, stealing moments of restless peace from chaos, Eyes on your feet so you don't stumble over grief.*

A simple lunch. Happy in that it was less awkward than other lunches. Rafe seemed to have exorcised demons giving Blair that envelope, and he was able to hold conversations with Jim and Blair again, as long as they stayed nice and impersonal. But then, as they were leaving, a squeal of tires and a flash of gunfire. Jim immediately jumped for Blair, grabbing him to pull him to the ground. Blair saw the gun pointed straight at him, and knew Jim hadn't done it in time. A shadow filled his vision, and the pain he was expecting never came. Instead came a hard grunt and the slice of concrete as he was thrown to the ground. And then shouts and screams and Henri in tears kneeling over his partner. Jim on his cell phone calling for an ambulance.

Blair went to Rafe's other side and knelt mechanically and knew no ambulance would make it. Rafe had taken the blast from the shotgun full in the chest, and his liquid breathing spoke of lungs already filling with blood, suffocating him. Blair reached out and grasped a limp hand, looking down at the handsome face he had cared so much for. His eyes were welling up, and he could only think -- and speak -- one word.

"Why?" Rafe's eyes went to him for a fraction of an instant, and his fingers tightened in Blair's hand. Then, nothing. Blair had only to go home and wash Rafe's blood off of him. Jim stayed behind to take witness statements, furious and driven to catch the killers of a friend. Henri had to be taken home, he was so upset. Simon arrived, but left to formally identify the body. Blair was here with Rafe's words and an ache in his heart that would never, ever go away. He could barely see through blurry eyes enough to read Rafe's last words.

*Write me off as a jealous acquaintance, A jester with too much romance in his head. Now and forever you are free of me.*

Jim, as he always did, got there right as his Guide and lover needed him the most. Blair didn't hear the door open; he didn't hear Jim come in. But he felt arms wrapping around him as he cried, and he leaned back to absorb Jim's strength. Jim would get him through anything, just by being there. Blair knew that, but at the moment he didn't want to get through it. He wanted to feel a penance of pain for having taken a young, vibrant, loving man and turning him into a shell. Then turning the shell into a corpse. Jim held him gently, making small shushing noises and taking the papers from his hand. Blair shut his eyes and saw the wave of visions again, and this time they ended with words. He sobbed harder, knowing like the images those words would never leave him.

*Now and forever you are free of me.*

The End