Just Thinking
by Shanny

As I lay here and look at you, I am amazed at how much I feel. You're smaller than me, that's obvious, but I don't think it's the reason I feel so protective of you. I like watching you as you sleep. You seem so much more at ease then at any other time. There's a small smile on your face, and your eyes are moving back and forth under their lids. Are you dreaming of me? Is that why you're smiling?

I'm not going to wake you up. After making love like we did last night, you need some rest. I thought it was too soon, but you didn't want to wait. You've been in the hospital for over a week, and only home for five days. It was touch and go for a while, but they finally got you stabilized. Which is more than I can say for my mind. All I could think about was that I might lose you, and that there was still so much left to say. We've only been together for a little over six months, but I already know I can't live my life without you by my side.

Who would have thought that someone would have the gall to do a drive by on the *police* station? When you said you were going to lunch with Jim and Blair, I thought everything would be okay. Then I heard the shots. I can't remember even getting out of my chair, but what I do remember is seeing you lying on the ground, blood over your chest. I didn't care who saw when I picked your head up and put it in my lap. I didn't care who heard me when I begged you not to leave me. I didn't care, and still don't, who knows that I love you with all my heart and soul.

Do you know that I never left the hospital for the first three days you were there? Jim finally had to promise me that he'd stay by your side before I would leave. And then it was only long enough to go home, change, and grab a shower. I didn't even eat. To be honest, I forgot. I know if you found out about that part you'd have my hide.

My mind turns back to last night. The look in your eyes as you lowered yourself onto me was indescribable. Your heat was more intense than it's ever been. Or maybe that was just me. I didn't much give a damn at the time. As much as I'd tried to discourage you from going too fast too soon, I was glad we were joined. It meant everything was going to be all right. I didn't ever want it to end, not ever. Maybe that was just because at one time I wouldn't ever be doing this with you again. Maybe it was just because I love you.

I slide out of bed and go over to our dresser. In the back of 'my' drawer there's a small box. I grab it and take it back to our bed. It took me a long time to find someplace that had something that I wanted us both to wear, but I finally found it. I open the box and stare at the twin gold bands, the only difference is in the size. When I look at you, your eyes are open and looking at me. I smile and go down to one knee next to your side of the bed. I watch as you raise yourself up so you can see me and what I'm holding, but I can't read your expression.

"Rafe, I love you with all my heart, and I can't imagine my life without you. I know you're a bit scared about what others would think, but Daryl absolutely loves you and so does the rest of my family. I don't want to pressure you into anything, but...will you marry me?"

I sit and await your answer.

"Simon...I don't...I mean..." You run your fingers through your short hair and I'm convinced you're trying to say no, but you surprise me again, as you so often do. "Simon, of course I'll marry you."

end