Reality Too
by Lucy

Jim's been acting odd lately.

I can't tell whether it's because everything in his life got turned upside down and then back to normal, or what. This whole thing about him being a Sentinel, while sounding a little too sci-fi for my taste, has really screwed up things between him and Blair.

All right, let me tell you a little story about the last few days in Cascadeland.

Well, Blair's thesis got out to the press, and of course us guys in the bull pen just had to jump all over it. I got on the bandwagon too, and I actually looked straight at Jim when he was coming in and made some kind of stupid crack about tights and a cape.

It was one of the first times I had spoken to him directly in months. The only time I spoke to him when the Job didn't require it. He stammered so badly when he answered me that I had to laugh, and not for the reason everyone else thought.

So we made like typical dumb guys and harassed Jim and Blair over it. Alone, of course, Henri and I were relieved that we at last knew why Jim solved so many more cases than we did, and why Simon always gave him the big, important stuff. The Sentinel thing made perfect sense. We'd seen Jim do things he shouldn't have been able to do, and we *knew* that Blair Sandburg wasn't a liar, so it made sense.

We went along, though, making like we accepted Blair's press conference.

It was right after they turned the TV off that Jim actually came up to me. Actually saw me and approached me and made like he wanted to talk to me in private.

I almost swallowed my own tongue. Seriously.

You know the pathetic thing? Hope was still alive in me somewhere. Even after how many months of distance and awkwardness, I still thought maybe there was some hope for the guy. I guess I still loved him. I think I always will, somewhere inside, but at least as time went by it wasn't as powerful or immediate as it had been.

So Jim pulled me aside and started stammering again.

I tried to interrupt, to tell him to take it slower, but he wasn't listening. So I reached out and put a hand on his arm.

That shut him up. He almost stumbled over his feet getting away from me.

I couldn't help a sad smile. I wonder if he thought I was going to jump him there in the break room. "Jim," I said relatively calmly. "Just calm down and tell me what's wrong."

"Oh. Yeah." He relaxed a little, but didn't get any closer. "I...I need your advice about something."

I couldn't help it -- I laughed. A nice, sarcastic little chuckle. "Really?"

He twisted his face into a glare. "All right, never fucking mind."

I had to touch him to stop him from leaving, but it worked. He froze under my arm like I had some kind of electric current running through me. If it wasn't for the almost-fear on his face, I would have been flattered. "I'm sorry, what do you need?"

"I...uh..." The poor guy looked like he was ready to collapse, but he glanced back towards the television, and his resolve strengthened. "You know about this...this gay thing, don't you?"

I almost laughed again, but for the sake of his nerves I controlled it. "This gay thing?"

"You know what I mean, Rafe. Christ."

"Well, to tell the truth, I'm bisexual. But I have a little experience with other men." I couldn't help myself again. I wagged my eyebrows at him, grinning.

He turned a color of red I'd never seen on that face before. "Look, can you cut it out? I'm serious."

God, if I didn't love him, I'd have told him to fuck off right there. After the shit he's put me through for months, he's pissed off at me because I'm joking about it? The man is really incredibly self-centered. Not conceited, just very focused on himself and not much else.

That made it easier to tell myself I didn't love him anymore. "Okay, yes. I know about being gay. Why?"

"How do you..." He cursed under his breath after trailing off, pissed off at himself because he couldn't quite get the words out. "How do you tell someone you aren't sure is gay that you may like him that way?" He got that out in one big blur.

I somehow understood the words, as much as he tried to rush it, and I followed his gaze back towards the television.

I can't describe exactly what went through me right then. I *knew* from the start he wouldn't have been talking about me. I just knew it. But knowing suddenly who he *was* talking about was a knife in the gut.

"Blair?" I asked quietly, now completely serious.

He jerked back, in shock. "Shit. Um, yeah. Look, you can't tell anybody. I mean, I don't know if he...if we...shit."

God, this guy was going to have a heart attack before he was fifty if he kept stressing out that way.

"My lips are sealed, Jim. You know how good I am about keeping secrets."

I guess I must have said that a little bitterly.

He looked chagrined. "Yeah. Listen, Rafe. About that..." He trailed off.

I waited.

"I'm...uh. I was just..." He grimaced and turned his eyes to the ground. "I'm sorry."

"Uh huh. So you want to know how to tell Blair he floats your boat in a non-partner way, and you want my advice?" I was getting a little too harsh even for my own ears. But I couldn't help it. The fucking guy was asking me for love advice. After the hell I'd gone through over him.

"Yeah." Jim sensed my mood and kept his reply short.

"Okay, you want to know what I think? Wait until this whole thing is over. With the press and that conference he just gave. Everything's gone to shit right now for you two, so anything you say now is going to be tainted by that. Wait until things are relatively normal, and then tell him."

Jim blinked at me, as if surprised I'd actually given him sincere advice. "Yeah. That makes sense. Thanks."

"And you should tell him what happened."

He looked confused for a minute, then his eyes almost bugged out of his head. "What happened? You mean, us? Are you out of your mind?"

Us. He said us like there had actually been something between us. Any other time I would have lapped up the words like a thirsty cat with some milk, but right then I was in no mood to hear it. "Yeah, I might be. If you're going to fuck him, he should know you fucked me." I think I was making my words deliberately crude. "You don't have to tell him you shit all over me the next morning, but you can tell him that much."

Jim flushed red again, and looked away from me. After a minute he nodded. "Yeah. Look, I really am sorry. I remember how I was feeling, so I was probably the one who...you know, started things. But I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been...and, I mean, I had a thing for Blair then, and when I woke up with another man, and it wasn't him, I just..."

"Uh huh. Hey, apology accepted. Good luck with it, Jim." I couldn't take any more of him right then, so I turned and left the room,

Man, things in my life were just shitty. I know, all I've done since I started this whole purging-the-soul thing is complain, but Jesus. I had to go and fall for who I thought was the straightest guy in the world, and I find out he likes guys when he asks my advice about Blair frigging Sandburg.

I don't think I was too out of line. I *did* accept his apology, even if I didn't mean it. That should clear his conscience, anyway. Whatever I can do to make Jim feel better.

Pathetic. Really.

*******

I think Jim and Blair are a couple now. And you know what?

I don't care.

A lot has happened in the last week, since I had that nice talk with Jim about Blair. A whole lot. And I can honestly say that while a part of me things about what could have been, most of me doesn't give two shits what Jim Ellison does.

Besides, they are kind of a cute couple. And so incredibly transparent, it's amazing no one else realizes what's going on there.

Okay, I guess it's time for the story of my last few days, so you know what I'm talking about here.

Of course I don't know exactly what happened between Jim and Blair, so I'll tell my side of the story and fit them into it.

My luck started changing for the better when this lunatic named Klaus Zeller shot up Major Crimes, and one of his bullets winged me in the temple.

It was barely a scratch, but there was so much blood it freaked Henri and Joel out, and they sent me with the two or three other injured officers to the hospital.

So there I was, getting a little disinfectant put on, and a cute little white bandage, and I realized I had no way to get back to the station. I sure as hell wasn't staying here overnight. They didn't need to observe me for anything.

I was going to a phone to call Henri to give me a lift, and I suddenly remembered that Captain Banks was still in the hospital. I figured I'd drop by, pay the boss a visit, find out how things were.

So I did. I got his room number from a nurse and went in.

He was sitting up against some pillows, looking distinctly grumpy as he watched the TV on the wall. He turned when I can in and seemed to brighten a little. "Detective Rafe." He saw the bandage on my head. "You were hurt in the attack?"

"You know about Zeller, sir?" I went over to the bed slowly.

"I just got off the phone with Joel. What's the story on the others?"

"Dills took a bullet in the arm, but he'll be all right. There was a man from patrol; he took a few rounds in the chest. They brought him in DOA."

The Captain swore under his breath. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just got grazed. How are you, sir?"

"I'm sitting in the hospital while maniac assassins are shooting up my people. Other than that, I'm just great." He frowned at himself. "Sorry, this whole thing has me on edge right now."

"Did you see the press conference?" I asked curiously. Henri and I couldn't decide if the Captain knew about Jim or not. We thought he probably did, since Blair had been allowed to stay for so long.

"Yeah. How's Blair doing now?"

Yep, he knew. If he didn't know, and thought Blair was really a fraud, he'd have been pissed, not concerned. "I don't really know. I think he got kicked out of Rainier, though."

"Damn. The kid deserves a better break than that."

Right in front of my eyes, Simon Banks went affectionate. His eyes did this softening-up thing; he was dripping with concern. He could have been talking about a kid brother, or his son. He became human, and not Captain, right in front of my eyes.

You're going to laugh, but I looked down at him right then, and it occurred to me that Simon was a man. He was just another person. He wasn't just his role as my boss.

Yeah, it sounds obvious now, but it was a revelation at the time. I realized that Jim and Blair must see a completely different version of Simon Banks than I do.

Just like that, I wanted to see more. Maybe I was still rebounding from Jim, or maybe it was the fact that Simon Banks was about as tight assed and *straight* as I ever thought Jim was. I figured I was just setting myself up for something bad, but I realized I wanted to get to know Simon as a person.

I wanted his eyes to go soft when he was talking about me, too.

I know how it sounds, but my affections are not that easily won. I don't go falling in love with a different man every week, I promise you that. Simon was...well, let's face it, the guy's sexy. I never failed to notice that. But it was always just an observation before. Just a casual, everyday thing. Like I noticed that Henri would probably be sexy if he ever got that dumb grin off his face. Or Blair...well, he wasn't my type of guy, but he was good-looking. I can see why Jim would...

Sorry, I'm digressing. I do that.

Anyway, so there I was with Simon, feeling this sudden wave of interest over him, appreciating how appealing he was on a whole new level, and he's sitting there looking at me with this strange expression on his face.

And I realize it's time for me to talk now. I shake my head to clear it, and sit down on a chair beside his bed. "I think Blair'll be okay. He's got Jim looking after him."

He studied me, and then his face took on that concerned expression. "Are you sure you're okay? Head wounds are nothing to make light about."

I smiled. He was looking at me with soft eyes.

I was a goner.

"I'm fine, sir."

"Stop with the sir. We're not at the station, you can call me Simon."

*****

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the beginning of the end for me. After that, Jim could have crawled up to me wearing nothing but a smile and I wouldn't have noticed.

Well, no, I would have *noticed*. But I wouldn't have cared. I sat with Simon that day and we just talked about every little thing we could think of. The station, and Zeller, and Jim and Blair. We talked about Daryl, and Simon's ex-wife, and me, and my almost-marriage a few years back. I of course didn't give my fianc's name (thus his gender) to Simon. I wasn't quite read to accept that rejection. I was content enough to just be there as a friend and coworker

When I left that evening, I was in the clouds. Sure, there were warning bells going off all around me. Simon was even straighter than Jim was; he was even more unavailable to me. But he hadn't gotten drunk and fucked me over in more ways than one, so I figured Simon was at least a better target for my feelings than Jim was.

I had it bad, already, and to tell the truth I wasn't anticipating months of abstinence and longing and looking when he didn't notice me. I wished I could just tell him *something* to let him know I was interested, but I'm a chicken. I didn't want two heartbreaks so close together.

Simon told me that night to take the next day off, because of my injury, and I was glad to do it. I was thinking of ways I could maybe casually drop by the hospital and spend another few hours by his side, when the phone rang.

It was him. He was being released, and wanted to go to the station, and could I maybe give him a lift.

I said sure, hung up, and was out the door in a matter of seconds.

I was in his room in record time, watching a nurse helping him into a wheelchair. Poor Simon looked miserable, and I figured he probably had to stay in the chair for a while.

He saw me and his misery seemed to fade. I didn't know if I was imagining it or not, but he seemed to light up. "Brian. Get me out of here."

The nurse clucked and left the room with his release forms all signed.

I smiled down at him. "Tell me again why we're going to the station."

"I'm meeting Jim, we've got a little surprise for Blair."

"Oh?" My heart sank. That was why he was so happy to see me. I was going to take him to Blair so they could give him some little happy surprise. It figured.

He filled me in on the scheme to turn Blair into a cop, and I mentally laughed my ass off. Yeah, guys, good plan. Blair's going to love becoming one of us. It's what he's meant for.

Right.

But I didn't say anything. I pushed him to the elevator, and then down to my car. Knowing Blair, he might actually be happy about this. He'd pretend to be, anyway.

I was unlocking my door when Simon said something that told me he knew better. "It's our fault the kid got kicked out of Rainier. This is really the only thing in my power to do. If there was some way I could..." He trailed off.

I turned to look at him. "It's a start," I said quietly. "Come on, let's get you in here."

He grabbed the door and with my help lifted out of the chair and into my front seat. I got him settled in and reached over to fasten his seatbelt.

"Um. Brian?"

"Uh huh?"

"I'm not helpless."

Oh yeah. His arms were working just fine. He could have done this himself.

Embarrassed, I started out of the car. And hit my head on the roof of the doorframe. I almost fell in his lap, but caught myself. My head was already throbbing from my injury, and that just magnified it.

I felt a touch that wasn't my own suddenly, and realized he'd put his hand on the back of my head. It must have been some kind of instinctual parent move or something.

"Are you okay?"

I laughed in self-deprecation. "Yeah." I met his eyes and opened my mouth to make some how-stupid-of-me comment, but the words melted out of my throat before they could come out.

We were only inches apart. He was studying me searchingly, and I figured he was checking for signs of concussion or brain damage or something. God knew I was acting stupid enough that he'd have reason to be worried.

But then his hand pulled me down closer, and just like that he kissed me.

It was a quick, soft little peck on the lips, and then his hand dropped. His eyes were wide with shock when I pulled back, as though he couldn't believe what he'd just done.

For a moment, I was tempted to just pretend it hadn't happened, to save us both possible embarrassment. But after months of silent Jim longing, I just wasn't in the mood to pretend any more.

So I leaned down again and kissed him on my own, again just a small little barely-kiss. I pulled back and looked at him seriously. There it was. It could go either way from there on.

He smiled suddenly. "Well. What do you know?"

I laughed in relief. He wasn't mortified; he wasn't repulsed or disgusted. That was ten times better than what I was hoping for.

I figured we could both use a minute to think things over, so I ducked out of the car and shut his door. I folded up the wheelchair and stuck it in my trunk, and then moved to the driver's side and got in.

I started the engine, but we didn't go anywhere. I glanced over, and he was watching me. "So..."

He grinned. "So."

"So maybe we could go out and get some dinner after this surprise of yours." I couldn't breathe waiting for his answer.

It was better than I would have dared to ask for. "Sounds good. I haven't had a dinner date in a while."

So we were both clear on what this meant. I turned and put the car into drive, and I was beaming like an idiot the whole ride to the station. I don't know what Simon must have thought of me, driving the car with that Joker-grin on my face, but he didn't say anything.

I wheeled him into the station, and we met with everyone and sprang our little surprise on Blair just as he was planning to get out and stay out.

Just as I thought, he acted almost happy to hear that he could go to the Academy and become Jim's permanent partner. They talked for a while, joked about initiations and hair cuts, but I didn't hear a damned word of it. I stood behind Simon, my hand on his shoulder like we really were together.

At one point he turned back to me and smiled, and I returned it. I looked over at Jim and Blair, teasing each other, looking like they were one step away from being a permanent couple, and I honestly and sincerely wished them the best of luck.

I think next time Jim tries to apologize, I'll forgive him and mean it.



The End