Yes Virginia, there is a woman doing a shower scene

Obligatory is defined as "being unnecessary, but exists anyway". So, how do you explain the blockbuster. "Being unnecessary, but hey, people are dumb so they'll lap it up". Sure, we admire a shower scene like the next person, and hey, what about the money shot of family values as everyone hugs for victory. But, what about when someone dies and their lover holds then so close, head back and they plead to God, 'Take me, take me God dammit'. It doesn't get any worse than that dammit. So, here's our tribute to buffoonry at its finest.

Obligatory shower scene
Obligatory sex scene between two main character to get the two stars together
Obligatory strip bar scene
Obligatory sex scene

• Firstly, run your fingers through your hair.

• Secondly, cover your breasts with your spare arm, while scrubbing the other arm in an unorthodox fashion.

• Thirdly, let your breasts run free as you run the soap down your legs, making sure the front leg is severely crossed over to cover any unnecessary genital showings.

• Fourthly, use the loofer to seductively rewipe the soap over your body.

• Fifthly, connect a hose to the head and gently brush your body with splashes of water, while looking as though you are going to fake an orgasm.

• Sixthly, unnecessarily stand straight and full for a full frontal, while putting your arms back to the hair which will make a pissy ponytail, which you will later forget about.

• Seventhly, start talking about the weather to the man outside the shower. There is nothing more erotic.

• Eighthly, call up a sex phone line as you are doing this on your newly installed phone next to your radio and bar.

• And finally, by the time this has all finished, men would have forgotten how bad the movie really is and are spending the rest of the movie covering over the bulge in their pants that just won't go down, and when it does, throwing another and another and hey, what about another.

  And if you are now all gooey in the never regions by this, deduct a few more points and see a doctor very quickly.

  "Obligatory sex scene"

  Worth:

  Reason for deduction: Hey, things are a bit boring around here, let's do something wild. I know, let's give out the award to the most unbelievable sex scenes ever staged in a movie.

  Best Overexaggerated Orgasm	Sharon Stone	Basic Instinct
  Most Ridiculous Serious Copulation	Alicia Silverstone and Kevin Dillon	True Crime
  Most Boring Sex Scene	Sharon Stone and Slyvester Stallone	The Specialist
  Most Unnecessary Masturbation	Ben Stiller	There's Something About Mary
  Most Ridiculous Sex Scene	Madonna and Willem Dafoe	Body of Evidence
  Please Kill Me, I've Just Seen Something Shocking Sex Scene	Dan Akyroyd and Lily Tomlin	Getting Away With Murder
  Tamest Sex Scene Made Ridiculous	Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet	Titanic
  Most Ridiculous Attempt At A Sex Scene	Michael Douglas and Demi Moore	Disclosure
  	Demi Moore and Burt Renyolds	Striptease
  Most Unnecessary Sex Scene
  Most Unerotic Sex Scene
  Dubious Rape Scene	Countless Number Of Made for TV movies	Too Many
  Most Dubious Rape Scene	Can't Remember	Kika

  "Obligatory strip bar scene"

  Worth:

  Reason for deduction:Just before the moral standing of society fell down, there started the trend of strip clubs. Now, you can't have a Hollywood film without one. Men must cohabit at these places to survive and continue the age-old tradition of dreaming that they too could get lucky with a stripper. What's even better in these movies is that most of the main players in the story are not even looking at the women who are making love to poles in these places. The hero seems to be above the degradation of the place, so it's left to his helpless mates to ogle and later masturbate in the toilet.

  Just to make sure we got this right, heroes are above naked women. Boy, Hollywood have got their principles right again.

  Obligatory sex scene between two main character to get the two stars together

  Worth:

  Reason for deduction: A movie has a man and a woman in the lead for a few reasons. Here they are:

  • The man may be a misogynist, so the superior puts him together with a strong, straight out of the ball bursting feminazi school woman who will keep him in line.

  • To strike up some sexual chemistry, where the man and the woman must get themselves in an inordinate number of accidental body pressing situations to they realise they are made for each other.

  • The man has a strange (not really once you come to think of it) obsession with a loose woman who he can't have.

  • Loopy hooker falls for flawed man.

  • A woman is dumped by a man, which signals the woman to make his life a living hell.

  • Leading couple have been unhappily married for the past few years and decide to: (a) go to a sex god (sorry, a psychiatrist) to solve the problem, or (b) have an affair with the nearest short-skirted woman or rippled chested man.

  Inevitably, if the movie leads to these plots, then their will most certainly be a sex scene to make sure they are the leading members of the movie. Preferably one where they do it anywhere bar the bed, or leave the bedroom to last.