Fax or Fiction

The opening montage shows technology and communications through the ages. The episode opens with Corky using the fax machine. Frank also needs to use it. Corky is sending a school a transcript about White House table settings. Frank needs to verify structual defect in a plane with an airforce engineer in California. Murphy enters and needs to use the fax, too. She needs a copy cleared with New York. Miles enters and lectures how the fax is not for personal use. He says that in one day, Marv's wife faxed him a grocery list, Murphy set up a basketball pool in ten states and everyone faxed a new Dan Quayle joke to Letterman. Miles reminds everyone that the fax is a serious piece of office equipment, and is not a toy.

Murphy: Oh fine. The xerox is not a toy. The paper shreader is not a toy. The mail chute is not a toy. What are we supposed to do for fun around here, anyway?

Jim reminisces about the past and (of all things) Dixon Ticonderoga pencils.
But just as Miles says that the fax machine is for appropriate office use only, he gets faxed a love letter -- from a secret admirer. The note gets passed around, from Murphy to Frank to Corky to Jim as they each read a small part, with Miles trying to snatch the note from him.

Dear Miles,
You don't know me. We work in the same building and I often see you in the elevator. I've never done anything like this before but I wasn't sure how else to approach you. I think you're very attractive. I'd like to know all about you and see if perhaps we're sould mates. If you're interested please fax me back.
Sincerely,
Ms. X

Everyone is teasing Miles (Jim is chanting "Miles got a girlfriend.") Miles thinks that Murphy did this as a prank. Murphy points out that it's not 'interesting' enough to be her work (nothing strange in it) and Miles believes that it is not her. Miles crumples up the note and throws it out, saying he doesn't need that to meet women. After everyone leaves, Miles fishes it out of the trash can.

Later: Miles sneaks up to the fax machine and attempts to send something. The machine beeps loudly which calls attention to the fax. Everyone comes over and finally Jim hits the fax on the side and it stops beeping. But it is too late. Murphy read the fax upside-down and sees the fax is to Ms. X. She points it out to everyone. (Frank: So Miles, you old Faxanova!) Murphy snatches the fax and looks at it.

Murphy: Well this is an original approach, you're sending her you resume?!?
Miles: And a cover letter. I worked on it most of the night.
Murphy: (reading from cover sheet) To: Ms. X, Re: Inquiry as to my personal status, please see attached documentation. References upon request.
Miles: Hey give me a break, will you guys? I've never had to impress a woman in 50 words or less.

They all give Miles advice on how to write to her. (I transcribed all of this, but it seems a bit long, so I included it on the end of this page. Read it now, or read it after you've read everything else.)
Miles tells everyone to forget about the whole thing, that its not how people start a relationship. Murphy wants to show him what she wrote (she thinks its really good), and Miles just walks away.

About a week later: The fax machine rings, meaning a fax is being sent to them. Murphy runs out of her office to get it, but Frank gets there first. He reads it and sees that it is Ms. X writing back. Murphy tells him that she has been writing and signing her name as Miles.

Frank: Let me ask you something, Murph. Are you planning on telling him about it, or is he just going to find out at the wedding?

Murphy reads the fax and says the woman is hooked. Miles enters. He has screened Murphy's piece on the IRS. She asks to talk to him in her office, so they do. She tells him that she has writen letters to Ms. X, sixteen letters, and shows them to Miles. Miles thinks its an invasion of privacy and just a little sick, but starts reading the faxes.

Miles: She likes me... She says I'm the best man she's ever had fax with!

Miles reads off a quote Murphy wrote that he likes: "People who are afraid to rock the boat have no business being on the boat in the first place."
In the new fax, she wants to meet Miles at Phils for dinner.

Twenty minutes before the date: Miles stops at Murphy's house because he is not exactally sure what to wear. But Murphy isn't helping Miles much:

Miles: (very angry and stressed out) You're not thinking about this!!!!!!! You're picking the last thing!!! Random guessing! A little help here?!?

Eldin come in. He has some clothing advice for Miles:

Eldin: Let's try this... (Eldin unbuttons a few of the buttons in Miles shirt, in the Eldin-esque style) ...Let's button that back up...

Eldin scares Miles, saying that this woman could be a dog, or nuts or carry a knife. Murphy finally calms Miles down. Miles is about to leave for Phils.

Miles: I just wish you hadn't told her I sang back-up on "We Are the World."

At Phils: Miles is alone at the table. Murphy enters, and he tries to get her to go away. She says she came to save him from a 'shoe mistake.' Murphy wants to watch. A woman enters and approaches Miles.

Woman: Hello Miles, I'm Madeline Stillwell, Ms. X.
Miles: I'm Smiles Liverberg.... Miles Silverberg.

Miles tells Murphy to leave so she goes and sits at the bar. Miles and Madeline's conversation is quite awkward. She is strange and sort of depressing. At the bar, Murphy is moving around so that she can see Miles and Madeline better. The man next to her asks her to stop doing that and also says "Accidents are a fools explaination for destiny." Murphy recognizes this quote. He says its his quote. Murphy says the 'rock the boat' quote, they keep quoting each other and realize what happened. This man, Ben, was writing for Madeline, just like Murphy was writing for Miles. He asks her out and Murphy says yes. As they are about to leave,

Ben: Should we tell them?
Murphy: What? And ruin their date?
At Miles' table Madeline: Do you think I should get this lanced?

THE END!

BUT DON'T FORGET TO READ:
FYI's Advice on How to Impress a Woman
Jim: Its very simple, Miles. A woman always appreciates security. Tell her you have a diversified portfolio, a decent pension and a money market fund. That way, when you drop dead at 50 because you worked like a dog your whole life, you know she'll be well provided for. A wealthy, attractive middle-aged woman who's easy pickings for any strapping young pool boy who saunters in looking for a meal ticket.
Frank: Don't listen to him, Miles. Women want a sensitive man. Confess a few vulnerabilites. If you don't have any, make some up. I usually say I cried when I read Anna Karinina and that the best part of sex is holding each other afterwards.
Murphy:This is a frightening glimpse into a man's brain!
Corky: Listen to a woman, Miles. The most important part is romance. Tell her you're still an old-fashioned guy who still thinks expensive jewelry is an appropriate gift.
Murphy: Listen, Miles, forget them. If you want to get anywhere with this woman, listen to a pro. Okay, (writing) "Dear Ms. X...."
Jim: "My dear Ms. X"
Corky: "My dear Ms. X.... My heart, my soul..."
Murphy: (still writing) "May I compliment you on your courage in taking the first step." (stops writing) See she's probably worried that you think she's too aggressive. You have to elay that point right off.
Frank: I say get right to the point. (writing) "I drive a brand-new BMW and have an unusually large shoe.
Murphy: Save it I'm already on the third line. I decided to take a witty-slash-charming direction.
Frank: Another one of your Jesse Helms jokes? That'll really get Miles some action.
(At this point, everybody starts bickering about what to write.)
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