(Scene 1-the setting: Wyndemere. Stefan is sitting alone, thinking. Nikolas enters)
Nikolas: "Father? I mean Unc...wait, fath...um, who are you again?"
Stefan: "Nikolas, you mustn't allow yourself to become perplexed regarding our contemporary correlation. It is imperative that you fathom your current status in regards to your consideration in the Cassadine institution."
Nikolas: "I see...so, what is the answer to my question?"
Stefan: "I seem to have omitted the issue which you inquired about. What was your query?"
Nikolas: "I was just wondering what I should call you."
Stefan: "Father would suffice, master would be preferable..."
Nikolas: "I think I'll settle for father." (Stefan nods) "I'll see you later, I'm going to Lucky's."
Stefan: "I continue to be puzzled by your connection with that young man, but, as you will..."
(Nikolas exits, and Stefan picks up the phone and dials)
Stefan: "Hello?"
Jaxman: "Hello?"
Stefan: "Good eventide Mr. Jaxman, this is Stefan..."
Jaxman: "One second dammit!" (Jaxman goes searching for a dictionary) "Ok, I am ready dammit!"
Stefan: "I desire that you would do me the honor of dining at my residence this evening...I perceive that you continue to anguish over the loss of Miss Barrett."
Jaxman: "Wait, I need to write this down. I will call you back when I ask Row-bin what you are talking about dammit!"
(Jaxman hangs up, and pulls his cell phone from his speedos. He dials, and Robin answers)
Robin: "Hello?"
Jaxman: "Hello, Row-bin?"
Robin: "Yes, it's me..."
Jaxman: "Guess who?"
Robin: "Oh geez, not this game again." (She shakes her head) "Is it....Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "How did you know dammit?"
Robin (rolls her eyes): "Lucky guess. What can I do for you?"
Jaxman: "Stefan called me, and I do not know what he wanted."
(Jaxman reads Stefan's words to Robin, and she translates)
Robin: "Jaxman, he wants you to have dinner at his place. It's his way of sending his condolences for Brenda's death."
Jaxman: "Oh dammit! Stefan wants to be my friend! I am so excited dammit! I must get ready."
(Jaxman hangs up the phone and runs upstairs to get ready, and the scene ends)
***************************************
(Scene 2-the setting: Wyndemere. Jaxman has arrived for dinner)
Stefan: "Good evening Mr. Jaxman. I see that you are fashioning that peculiar garment once again..."
Jaxman: "These are my special speedos I wore just for you. Do you like them?" (Jaxman is wearing white speedos with two bats on them. One larger, one smaller)
Stefan: "I assume so, what is the significance of the bats?"
Jaxman: "Wait one minute dammit!" (Jaxman pulls out his dictionary and starts reading through) "Oh, I understand dammit! The big bat is you, and the little one is your son. It is my way of congratulating you on your son Nikolas."
Stefan (looks at him strangely): "Thank you. Please, enter..."
(Jaxman & Stefan sit at the table, and Mrs. Landsbury comes out)
Stefan: "Hello, Mrs. Landsbury. Is dinner almost ready?"
Mrs. Landsbury: "Yes, Mr. Cassadine. Would you like me to put on some dinner music?"
Stefan: "Please..."
(The music starts playing. It is like the music from the Bacchanalia ball)
Jaxman: "What is this music?"
Stefan: "Do you not appreciate my selection of musical interludes?"
Jaxman (confused): "Um....what is this music dammit?"
Stefan (shakes his head): "Is there a piece that you would rather dine to?"
Jaxman: "Let's listen to 'Tie me Kangaroo down!'"
Stefan: "Excuse me?"
Jaxman: "'Tie me Kangaroo down!' It is great dammit!"
Stefan: "As you wish."
(The music plays, and Stefan rolls his eyes. Jaxman begins to sing. Mrs. Landsbury enters with the meal)
Stefan: "Mr. Jaxman, I desire that you will savor your repast..."
Jaxman: "I hope I like the food too, dammit!"
(Stefan shakes his head)
Jaxman: "Are there any moose burgers?"
Stefan (confused): "Pardon me?"
Jaxman: "Moose burgers. Those are great dammit!"
Stefan: "I apologize, but we do not possess any moose burgers. What were are feasting on this evening is caviar and cows brains."
Jaxman: "Eww dammit! I do not want to eat this food!"
Stefan (frustrated): "Fine. I will inquire with Mrs. Landsbury to acquire moose burgers for yourself. Excuse me..."
(Stefan exits, and the scene ends)
*********************************************
(Scene 3-the setting: Wyndemere. Stefan has returned with food for Jaxman. He has put the cows brains on a bun)
Stefan: "Here you are Mr. Jaxman, one moose burger..."
Jaxman: "Thanks dammit!" (Jaxman takes a big bite) "This is great dammit!"
Stefan: "I take pleasure in your enjoyment..."
Jaxman (confused): "Um, ok..."
(Just then, Laura and Lesley Lu enter the dining room)
Laura: "Good evening Stefan, Jaxman..."
Jaxman: "Hi dammit! Stefan is my friend, he asked me to dinner dammit!"
Laura (looks at Jaxman): "Ok..."
Stefan: "Lasha, if I was made aware of your showing here this evening, I would have insisted on your fraternizing with Mr. Jaxman and myself..." (He looks to Lesley Lu) "Hello sweetheart! And how are you this evening?"
(Lesley Lu acts shyly, but doesn't respond)
Stefan: "Is she still not conversing?"
Laura: "Not since she was born. I don't understand it..."
Jaxman: "Can I talk to her? I love kids dammit!"
Laura: "Ok, it can't hurt to try..."
Jaxman: "Hi dammit! You are so cute! My precious Brender and I were going to have a baby before she died, unless she left me for Sonny Corinthos again. I hate that guy dammit!"
(Lulu looks at Jaxman strangely, and then at Laura)
Lulu: "Mom? Who's the freak, man?"
(Laura and Stefan look at each other, shocked)
Laura: "What did you say honey?"
Lulu: "I said, 'who's the freak?' I want to go home, this guy is messed up, man."
Laura: "Oh my gosh! You spoke sweetie! I can't believe it!"
(Laura begins to cry. When Stefan sees this, he picks up a bell and rings it, and Mrs. Landsbury enters the room)
Mrs. Landsbury: "Yes, Mr. Cassadine?"
Stefan: "It appears as though my precious Lasha has become quite emotional again. Please retrieve that contraption one uses to expunge moisture from the floor."
Mrs. Landsbury: "You mean the mop, Mr. Cassadine?"
Stefan: "Yes, that is of which I speak."
Laura (to Stefan): "I'm so sorry I ruined your floor again."
Stefan: "Do not feel distressed at the state of my hardwood floor. It can be supplanted perpetually. It is not as though this has not occurred previously. Remember Helena's outstanding floor back in Greece?"
Laura (smiling): "Yes, of course." (She laughs) "I'll see you later?"
Stefan: "Unequivocally."
(Laura and Lulu exit, and the scene ends)
*************************************
(Scene 4-the setting: Wyndemere. Jaxman & Stefan continue with their dinner)
Stefan: "I presume you relished your banquet, Mr. Jaxman?"
Jaxman (confused): "I think so. The food was O-some also, dammit!"
Stefan (shakes his head): "Shall I ask Mrs. Landsbury to bring in dessert?"
Jaxman: "That would be cool, dammit! What are we having?"
Stefan: "I wish our dessert to be a revelation for yourself."
Jaxman: "Ok, so...what are we having, dammit?"
(Stefan rolls his eyes. Just then, Sonny and Jason enter the dining room)
Jaxman (angry): "What are you doing here, dammit? I am having dinner with my friend Stefan! Go away, dammit!"
Sonny: "Take it easy there, speedo boy. Jason and I, you know, just came by to talk a little business with (he pauses) Mr. Cassadine here..."
Stefan: "If you wish to be involved in negotiations with myself, you must assimilate the importance of making an appointment with my secretary initially."
Jaxman: "Yeah! You tell them Stefan! You are just so cool, dammit!"
Sonny: "I just figured, you know (he pauses) that you'd, you'd want to talk to Mr. Morgan and myself about something that's...you know, important. But, if you're not (he pauses) interested, we could always....always take our business elsewhere."
Stefan: "And what do you conclude about this, Mr. Morgan?"
(Jason stares straight ahead, and says nothing)
Stefan (sarcastically): "I overlooked the fact that Mr. Morgan suffers from the same ailment sweet Lesley Lu Spencer suffered from...until today, that is. At least she was cured of her muteness, eventually."
(Jason stares straight ahead, and says nothing)
Sonny: "Jason, you know, he...he knows not to talk unless I say so."
(Jason stares straight ahead, and says nothing)
Stefan: "Well, if you aspire to manufacture an exchange with myself, please have the decency to arrange a meeting with my assistant. Please, leave now."
Sonny: "Fine, you know, I can....I can do that. By the way speedo boy, you're eating cows brains, you know..."
(Stefan starts to hide his face)
Jaxman: "No I am not, dammit! This is a moose burger, Stefan said so! I do not bee-leeve you, dammit!
(Sonny and Jason exit the dining room, and the scene ends)
***********************************************
(Scene 5-the setting: Wyndemere. Stefan and Jaxman are awaiting dessert)
Jaxman: "Thank you for making Corinthos and Morgan leave. I hate those guys, dammit!"
Stefan: "Well, Mr. Jaxman, that is one detail we have in common."
Jaxman: "So, what is for dessert, dammit?"
Stefan (looks to Mrs. Landsbury, who is entering the dining room): "You are about to discover that actuality, Mr. Jaxman."
Mrs. Landsbury: "Here is dessert, Mr. Cassadine. I hope it is up to your high standards."
Stefan: "I'm sure it will be, Mrs. Landsbury. Thank you."
(Mrs. Landsbury exits, and Jaxman looks at his plate)
Jaxman: "These look like raisins, dammit! Are they?"
Stefan: "This is a dessert my son and myself appreciate, especially for special occasions such as this. Please, try it."
(Jaxman picks up one of the "raisins", and eats it)
Jaxman: "These things are great, dammit!"
Stefan: "I am gratified that you savor your dessert..."
(Jaxman eats his whole dessert, and then turns to Stefan)
Jaxman: "That was O-some, dammit! What was it?"
Stefan: "Are you positive you yearn to know?"
Jaxman (confused): "Um...what was it, dammit?"
Stefan (shakes his head): "It was chocolate covered ants." (Jaxman looks at him, shocked. Stefan faces Jaxman) "Would you be so considerate as to progress the water toward myself?"
Jaxman: "Eww, dammit! I just ate ants? Eww, dammit!"
Stefan: "Yes, ants are a favorite amongst we bats, as you might have known..."
Jaxman: "Ewwwww! I think I am going to be sick, dammit!!!"
(Jaxman runs to the bathroom, and the scene ends)
*********************************************
(Scene 6-the setting: Wyndemere. Jaxman has finally returned from the washroom)
Stefan: "How are your sensations, Mr. Jaxman? Has your ailment discontinued?"
Jaxman: "I was feeling sick, dammit!"
Stefan: "I am remorseful that your dessert caused you such considerable strife."
Jaxman: "I am feeling a little better now, Stefan. But that was disgusting, dammit!"
Stefan: "I apologize for my substandard choice of dessert items."
(Just then, Nikolas returns home)
Nikolas: "Good evening, Unc...Maste....Father. Hi Jaxman."
Jaxman: "Hello, dammit! Stefan made me eat ants, dammit!"
Nikolas: "We much enjoy those...Anyway father, I am going upstairs. I don't want to interrupt your evening..."
Stefan: "Nonsense, you could do no such thing. How was your evening?"
Nikolas: "Fine. We had a good time."
Stefan: "I am elated..."
(Suddenly, Vanessa Marcil enters the dining room. She looks around, confused)
Vanessa: "Excuse me, but I was hoping you could help me out..."
Jaxman: "Oh my gosh, dammit! It is my precious Brender! She has come back to me, dammit! I knew she would! Yay dammit!"
Vanessa (confused): "What's up with this guy?"
Stefan: "Oh, do not regard him. He continues to mourn the loss of his fiancee, to whom you bear a striking resemblance..."
Vanessa: "Um, ok...Listen, I seem to be lost..."
Jaxman: "I will help you, dammit! I love you, precious Brender!" (Vanessa ignores him)
Stefan: "Where do you require to proceed?"
Vanessa: "I need to get to Beverly Hills, zip code 90210. I have to get back to Dylan before that bitch Kelly gets her hands on my man!"
Jaxman: "I am your man, dammit! And please do not swear, precious Brender. I love you, dammit!"
Vanessa (annoyed): "Can someone please shut this guy up?"
Nikolas (walks up to Vanessa): "Maybe I could help you..."
Vanessa (looks at him, lust in her eyes): "Maybe you can..."
Jaxman: "Please! You can't do this to me! I am Jaxman, dammit! And I love you!"
(Vanessa suddenly stops, and a strange look comes upon her face)
Nikolas: "What's the matter?"
Vanessa (confused): "I don't know...I just suddenly have the urge to pick up a tripod and beat the crap out of that guy with it!" (She motions toward Jaxman)
Nikolas: "I think I have one upstairs. I was into photography for about two months there, then suddenly I lost interest. I'll lead the way..."
Jaxman (scared): "NOOOOOO! Please not the tripod, dammit! DAMMIT!!!"
Stefan (upset): "Nikolas, have you taken leave of your senses? Do you not understand the urgency of this situation? Do NOT retrieve the tripod! I repeat, do NOT retrieve the tripod!"
(Nikolas ignores Stefan and Jaxman, and he and Vanessa walk upstairs together. The scene ends)
**Will Vanessa Marcil beat the heck out of Jaxman? Is she really his precious Brender? Will Stefan and Jaxman ever have dinner together again? Stay tuned for the next episode of Jaxman & Robin to find out!
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