(Scene 1-the setting: the Quartermaine mansion. The Q's are discussing business in the living room. Alan has excused himself and is out in the foyer, where he takes out his pills. As he throws his head back while taking his pill, his head falls off. He is on his hands and knees, frantically searching for his head. Just then, Ned and Edward enter the foyer, talking business)
Ned: "Well grandfather, if we give in to Jason now, at least we will still end up with something. If we don't, this whole deal could be dead in a couple of weeks."
Edward: "I will not give in to that....hoodlum." (he looks down at Alan on the floor) "Alan, what are you doing?"
(Ned bends down, picks up the head and nonchalantly places it back on Alan's shoulders as he continues his conversation)
Ned (walking into the other room with Edward): "If we let AJ dictate how we run our business..."
(Ned and Edward exit the scene. Alan stands up, breathes a sigh of relief and heads back into the living room. The scene ends)
*****************
(Scene 2-the setting: General Hospital. Alan is at work, where he is about to be confronted by a young patient)
Patient: "Why don't I have any orange juice? I asked for orange juice!"
Alan: "We will be getting it for you as soon as we can, we're very busy..."
Patient: "Busy-shmisy. I was my orange juice now you poopy-head!"
(Alan leaves the room, looking distressed. Thinks "geez, I can't believe that kid called me a poopy-head. I really need to forget about that." Alan takes out his pills, and throws a couple back. His head again falls off, and he begins to panic, not wanting to search for the head in the middle of the hospital. He stands confidently as Amy Vining approaches)
Amy: "Hi Alan! How are you? I hope you are feeling better, I was very concerned about you....."
(Amy picks up Alan's head and places it back on his shoulders, like it was nothing. She continues talking)
Amy: "So, did you hear that Dr. Thomas is sleeping with your daughter? I heard it from one of the other nurses...."
Alan (distracted): "Oh, that's great. I should go..."
(Alan heads for the elevator, and the scene ends)
*******************
(Scene 3-the setting: the Q mansion. Everyone is again gathered in the living room)
Edward: "Jason is no more a part of this family than that stupid mutt...."
(Emily starts to cry)
Emily: "Raoul is my dog grandfather." (she continues crying)
Alan: "Way to go father, treat the little girl like garbage why don't you..."
Edward: "Why not? You do!!!"
(Alan gets offended by the remark and leaves the room. He is in the foyer where he takes another pill. Again his head falls off. He searches on his hands and knees....)
AJ: "Why do you talk to dad like that Grandfather?"
Edward: "Just listen to him, he never seems to use his head!"
AJ: "I'm going to go see if dad is ok..." (AJ exits)
Monica: "Edward, one more remark like that and I'll throw you out!"
Edward: "Again? Just try it, and I'll....I'll....."
Monica: "You'll what?....Just as I thought...."
(The scene shifts to the foyer, where Alan is still looking for his head. AJ runs into Ned)
AJ: "Dad, are you ok?"
Ned: "What did you so this time junior? Get drunk and sleep in the doghouse? Or maybe out on the roof....You know, Emily almost took a flying leap off that roof..."
(AJ bends down and puts Alan's head back on his shoulders, as he continues his conversation with Ned. Alan breathes a sigh of relief and heads back to the living room)
AJ: "Why do you always make stupid comments like that?"
Ned: "Because you're stupid enough to resemble them..."
(Ned and AJ glare at one another, and the scene ends)
******************
(Scene 4-the setting: GH. Some of the nurses are discussing Alan's recent behaviour)
Amy: "I don't know what's wrong with Alan lately, he seems a little out of his head..."
Nurse: "I agree. What is with him?"
Amy: "Maybe it's that his one son is brain damaged, the other is a drunk, and his daughter is a drug addict....Oh, and his wife has slept with more people than Bill Clinton...."
Nurse: "Maybe so, or maybe he's just nuts...."
Amy: "That could be it too, but I think Tony has a monopoly on being the wacko-doctor of Port Charles..."
Nurse: "True, but whatever's going on with him, he'd better deal with it soon. He seems to be losing his head..."
Amy: "You're right. I'd hate to see GH have another crisis....We need Alan at his best. Maybe if we see him being destructive, we could head him off at the pass...."
(The nurses look at each other, and the scene ends)
*********************
(Scene 5-the setting: the Q mansion. The Q's are again talking in the living room when things get out of hand)
Edward: "I think that if I get close enough to Carly, I can get her to bring that baby to live with us..."
AJ: "Grandfather, Carly's not stupid...she'll never fall for that. Besides, she's getting something from Jason that you can't provide...."
Edward: "Don't count me out AJ, if it weren't for Lila...."
Monica (shocked and disgusted): "Edward!"
Edward: "What? It's true. I'd do anything for my family."
(Edward winks at Alan, and he smiles)
Monica: "You're condoning this talk Alan? What's the matter with you?"
Edward: "Leave him alone, he's fine! He's just finally getting smart...."
Monica: "Well, I think he's acting like a horses' @ss...." (she looks at Alan) "Say something!"
Alan: "I could really go for some cake...."
Monica: "Hello? Are you even with us here?"
Alan: "Of course, I'm just under so much stress, what with this pill pop...oops, I mean, with this hospital business......I have to go......"
(Alan exits, and the family looks at each other. The scene shifts to the foyer where Alan takes a few more pills. As he throws his head back, it flies off and rolls away.....Alan begins to search on his hands and knees, but can't find the head. He begins to panic and the scene ends)
*******************
(Scene 6-the setting: the Q mansion. Alan is summoned back into the living room)
Edward: "Alan, get back in here....your mother wants to talk to you."
(Alan stumbles around, and eventually makes his way into the living room, minus his head)
Lila: "Oh Alan, do take care of yourself, I've been so worried about you lately. You don't seem yourself....."
Monica: "I'm worried too...."
Edward: "Why is everyone so concerned about Alan? Who cares? We need to talk about ELQ, and Jason's interference in the dock renovation..."
Ned: "You're actually right Grandfather.....we need to figure this out.....What do you think Alan?"
(Silence, as Alan frantically waves his arms, waiting for someone to notice that his head is missing)
Edward: "Why are you asking him? He doesn't know anything about business....he's not even answering you...."
Ned: "Sorry, temporary loss of sanity...."
Monica: "What's wrong with you Alan? Why don't you defend yourself?"
(Alan continues to wave his arms frantically)
AJ: "Geez dad, why are you such a wimp when it comes to the family? Now I know where I get it from...."
(The Q's continue to argue, and the scene ends)
**********************
(Scene 7-the setting: the Q mansion. Jax arrives for the ELQ board meeting)
Jax: "Hello!"
Edward: "Oh great, it's the corporate kangaroo, the Aussie cutthroat, the Blunder from Down Under...."
Jax: "That's enough you old coot....." (Jax enters the living room) "Hello Quartermaines....So what are we going to do about Jason?"
Ned: "That's what we're trying to figure out...."
Jax: "Well, let's take a vote....Do we eliminate Jason, or do we work with him?"
Edward: "OK, I'll do the roll call. 'Should Jason Morgan be eliminated?' Edward Quartermaine... 'yay'. Lila Quartermaine?"
Lila: "Nay."
Edward: "Alan Quartermaine?"
(Alan is waving his arms, in a desperate attempt for someone to notice that something is wrong)
Edward: "Alan, are you going to answer me?....Well, he's waving his arms, I guess that's a 'nay' vote..."
(Just then, Robin enters the living room. She now owns Sonny's ELQ stock, and has come to vote on the proposition)
Robin: "Hello everyone, sorry I'm late...."
Ned: "That's ok Robin..."
AJ: "Yeah, we were just waiting for dad to cast his vote...."
Robin: "What's the problem Ala..." (she looks over at him, and gasps) "My God!!!!"
Monica: "What?"
Robin: "Alan!!!! Doesn't anyone notice something different about him?"
(Alan again begins to flail his arms, excited that someone noticed something)
Edward: "Well, he has lost a little weight...."
Robin: "No, I mean his head!!!! It's gone!!!!!"
(Alan jumps up, excited that Robin has stated the obvious. He becomes disoriented and falls over. He slowly picks himself up and sits back down)
Monica: "Wow, I didn't even notice..."
AJ: "Neither did I..."
Ned: "Don't look at me...."
Robin: "We need to call the police..."
Jax: "And we'll take the case, right Row-bin?"
Robin: "Of course Jaxman...let's get on it."
(Robin calls the police, and the scene ends)
******************
(Scene 8-the setting: the Q mansion. The police arrive and are met by Jaxman and Robin)
Taggert: "So what seems to be the problem here?"
Robin: "It's Alan Quartermaine! He seems to...."
Jaxman: "Perhaps I should explain Row-bin....." (Robin rolls her eyes) "See, I arrived here for a board meeting and noticed that Alan's head was missing..."
(Robin shakes her head, as the Quartermaines enter the foyer)
Taggert: "So, how long has the head been missing?"
(All the Quartermaines look at each other, with confusion)
Ned: "Well, we actually didn't realize it until Robin pointed it out to us....so, I'm not sure."
Taggert: "I thought you made the discovery speedo boy..."
Jaxman: "I did dammit!"
Taggert: "Ok, whatever.....Just one question. Why did it take you so long to realize the head was missing?"
Edward: "I don't know, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Alan was acting how he always does..."
Monica: "So what are you saying Edward? That your son is a mindless moron?"
Edward: "You said it, not me...."
Lila: "Oh do stop this bickering. Please! I am so worried about Alan right now. And if you don't behave Edward, I'll have you sent to your room."
(Edward makes a pouting face)
Taggert: "Back to the case.....If the head hasn't been missing for at least 24 hours, I can't do anything about it."
Ned: "What? This is the man's head we're talking about!"
Taggert: "Sorry, just standard procedure...."
Edward: "Fine, you can take your standard procedure and shove it Detective. Now get out of my house!"
(Taggert exits the scene)
Monica: "It's my house Edward!"
Edward: "Would you stop with that already? We need to find Alan's head, and fast. Jaxman and Robin, are you going to help us?"
Jaxman: "Of course! I'd be happy to be the hero, yet again." (Jaxman smiles confidently)
Robin: "What about me?"
Jaxman: "Oh yeah, you can help too Row-bin."
Robin: "Oh. Well, thanks." (Robin shakes her head)
Jaxman: "We must go back to the Jaxcave and figure out what happened here."
Ned: "Call us if you figure anything out..."
Jaxman: "Of course!"
(Jaxman grabs his jacket and rushes out of the mansion. Robin follows and the scene ends)
****************
(Scene 9-the setting: Emily's room. Emily is studying when she hears a noise outside her room. She goes to her door and opens it, to find Raoul there. He runs into Emily's room, and lays on her bed. She sits beside him)
Emily: "Oh, hi Raoul. I thought that someone in my family actually cared enough to come up and see me. Guess not.....I'm feeling glum Raoul. I don't belong in this family. I mean, I have my addictions which makes me fit right in, but, I never get to have any fun, you know? I mean, I almost took a flying header off my roof. That's the most excitement I've had since I moved in here. It's hard to believe that any of these people even love each other. It's pretty sad when the person I look to for moral guidance is Ned.....or AJ.....Wow, my life IS pathetic......Well, at least I have you Raoul, you care....."
(Just then Raoul runs out of the room, leaving Emily alone)
Emily: "Man, even the dog has turned on me....My dad has become a freak before my eyes, my life is in ruins....I wish I was a Spencer. Lucky's got some cool parents, and a loyal dog...."
(Raoul re-enters Emily's room, with Alan's head. Emily rushes over to him)
Emily: "You do care Raoul!" (Emily looks at the head) "What, you want to play fetch? Ok, cool!"
(Emily rolls the head down the upstairs hallway, and Raoul brings it back. Amazingly, Alan's glasses stay intact. They continue their game of fetch and the scene ends).
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