(Scene 1-the setting: The Port Charles Hotel. Everyone is making their
entrance to the Nurses Ball, while Jaxman and Brenda are getting ready
upstairs)
Jaxman: "Brender? Which pair of speedos should I wear this evening?"
Brenda: "You're going to wear speedos? Jaxman, this is a black-tie
affair..."
Jaxman: "Brender, you're a genius! I just remembered that I have a
special pair, for special occasions such as this one. I bought them at a
store back home in Australia called 'Tuxedo Speedo'."
Brenda: "Just don't embarass me, please. Last year I went with Sonny,
and he looked FINE..."
Jaxman: "Why are you mentioning Corinthos? Do you still love him?"
Brenda: "No way Jaxman, I love you now, especially since Sonny isn't
around anymore. By the way, I'm sorry that I hurt you."
Jaxman: "I know Brender....Well, what do you think?"
(Jaxman comes out of the room, wearing black speedos with a thick white
stripe in the middle. There is a small black bow at the top of the
garment)
Brenda (chuckles): "Well, um....they look--good! Yeah, they do! But,
you're not wearing a tie."
Jaxman: "Yes I am dammit! Look at the top of my lovely speedos! See the
black bow?"
Brenda: "If you say so..."
(Jaxman and Brenda exit the penthouse and head for the Nurses Ball. The
scene ends)
*************************
(Scene 2-the setting: the Nurses Ball. Jaxman and Brenda arrive at the
Ball)
Ned: "Hey Jaxman, nice speedos." (He turns to Brenda) "Uh, isn't there a
dress code tonight?"
Brenda: "Yes, so I thought..."
Jaxman: "I am dressed dammit! This is my nicest speedo, with a black tie
built in."
(Stefan and Nikolas approach the three)
Stefan: "Mr. Jaxman, it never ceases to amaze me. Your willingness to
make a public spectacle of yourself is quite pathetic. I believe that
you need to seek some assistance for your predicament."
Jaxman: "Hey! Do you speak-a-my language?"
Stefan: "I beg your pardon?"
Jaxman: "I was just quoting from my favorite song, 'Down Under' by the
Australian supergroup, Men At Work."
Stefan: "Who?"
Jaxman: "Men at Work. They are great dammit!"
Stefan: "Mr. Jaxman, I urge you to seek aid for your quandary as soon as
time permits."
(Nikolas and Stefan leave)
Jaxman: "Huh? I can never understand that man dammit!"
Brenda: "Uh, let's just go inside Jaxman, before anyone else sees us."
(Jaxman and Brenda enter the Nurses Ball, and the scene ends)
*************************
(Scene 3-the setting: The Nurses Ball. Robin is performing with Alan
when he suddenly throws her to the ground)
Alan: "What is the matter with you Robin? Can't you keep your balance?
Geez! And the rest of you, with your mouths wide open. What are you
doing, trying to catch flies? Come on, I'm not that great, please don't
embarass me with your looks of awe..."
(The Quartermaines look at each other, and develop their own side
conversation)
AJ: "Wow, dad's really whacked out..."
Ned: "You'd know junior..."
Monica: "Oh shut up Ned! What the h&ll is going on with Alan? He's
making an @ss of himself!"
Edward: "Are you surprised? Come on, that's our Alan. AJ, go backstage
and get your father when he comes off. Make sure that he doesn't
embarass us anymore!"
Monica: "That's all you care about, isn't it Edward? That Alan doesn't
embarass the family. What about Alan himself?"
Edward: "When he acts like this, I could care less. He's being an @ss,
and more importantly, he's embarassing Lila."
Lila: "Oh, someone please do something! Alan must be going through
something, he needs our love and support now."
Ned: "He's going through something alright, like a bundle of drugs."
Emily: "Stop it Ned! Don't say those things about my scary, psycho,
nutso father!"
Lila: "Oh please, do stop bickering! I hate seeing the family argue."
Ned: "Sorry grandmother, I didn't mean to upset you. But your son is a
moron! I'll go clean up his mess, once again."
(Ned goes up on the stage and finishes Alan's part of the number with
Robin. The scene ends)
***************************
(Scene 4-the setting: The Nurses Ball. People are continuing their own
side conversations as the acts continue)
Stefan: "I cannot believe the irresponsibility of that menial human
being. Perhaps I was incorrect in my assessment of Commissioner
Scorpio as being an egregious simpleton..."
Alexis: "I can't believe that he would embarass his family like that.
This will definitely take the focus off of you and your murder
charge..."
Stefan: "Then perhaps I should credit Dr. Quartermaine for making such a
spectacle of himself. If the way he has conducted himself this evening
will seize attention from myself and my obsession with Lash....I mean,
Katherine, then so be it."
(The scene shifts to Lucy, Luke, and Kevin talking)
Lucy: "What is going on here? All of my ex-husbands are going wacky
before my eyes! And my current fiance, well, he's already wacky."
Kevin: "Hey! I resemble that remark!"
Luke: "Babe, doesn't that tell you something about yourself? Anyone
exposed to you in large doses ends up going nuts."
Lucy: "Eww! I can't believe you just said that to me, your best pal!"
(Lucy thinks for a minute) "Um, but now that you mention it....Eww! What
is wrong with me?"
Kevin: "Nothing Lucy, you are fine." (Turns to Luke) "Thanks a lot."
Luke: "No problem ex-doc psychiatrist."
Lucy: "Eww! Doc! What is wrong with me? Or maybe it's not me, but the
men I date. Eww! What does that say about me Doc? Eww!"
(Lucy continues her paranoid ramblings, and the scene ends)
*****************************
(Scene 5-the setting: the Nurses Ball. People are still discussing
Alan's behaviour)
Brenda: "Jaxman, why didn't you go and help Robin? Alan threw her on the
ground! I thought you were her friend..."
Jaxman: "I am dammit! But I'm not about to go near that freak. Something
is very wrong with that man..."
(Elsewhere, Robin is speaking to Nikolas about the incident)
Robin: "Wow, I feel so humiliated. I can't believe he just threw me
across the stage like that. How embarassing."
Nikolas: "You have nothing to be embarassed about. I would have come up
there to help you, but the Cassadine family is in enough trouble. It was
not appropriate for me to make a scene..."
Robin: "Don't worry about it Nikolas. I'm sure if Jason were here, he
would have saved me. But the person I'm really angry at is Jaxman. Why
didn't he help me dammit?"
Nikolas: "I don't know Robin, I just don't know...I just can't believe
that Dr. Quartermaine is a stoner."
Robin (laughs): "Stoner?"
Nikolas: "That is the correct term for one who is addicted to drugs, is
it not?"
Robin: "Yes, but I've never heard you speak like that before. It's kind
of cute."
Nikolas (smiles): "Yes, I believe that is one of your Americanisms. Just
don't tell my uncle that I said something along those lines..."
Robin: "Don't worry, I won't..."
Nikolas: "Good....So, are you going to confront Jaxman?"
Robin: "I don't know what I'm going to do....Some superhero. I ought to
go give him a wedgie, Scorpio style..."
Nikolas: "Wedgie?"
Robin: "Yes, it is an Americanism." (Robin smiles) "It means to pull
someone off the ground by their undergarments."
Nikolas (thinks a little, as the description registers): "Wow! That
sounds painful!"
Robin: "It is, but Jaxman deserves it. He's supposed to be my
partner..."
(Nikolas and Robin look at each other, and the scene ends)
*********************
(Scene 6-the setting: the Nurses Ball. Sonny and Jason arrive with their
entourage. Robin greets them)
Jason: "Hey! How did your act go?"
Robin: "Not well, I'm afraid. Alan got stoned and threw me across the
stage during our number."
Sonny: "What? Did anyone do anything?"
Robin: "No, everyone just stood there and watched. Ned finally came on
stage and finished the number with me."
Jason: "What about Alan? Did anyone hit him?"
Robin: "No, and I'm really disappointed by Jaxman. He just sat there,
laughing!"
Sonny: "Oh he did, did he?"
Jason: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Sonny (smiling): "I think so..."
Robin: "Wait, maybe we should go talk to him first, before we do
something drastic..."
(The scene shifts to Brenda and Jaxman's table, where Brenda is staring
at Sonny)
Jaxman: "Brender.....Brender?"
Brenda: "Oh, sorry Jaxman....You were saying?"
Jaxman: "I was just wondering if I should do an act for the Nurses Ball
next year...."
(Brenda is still staring at Sonny)
Jaxman: "What do you think? Brender? Hello?"
Brenda (distracted): "Oh, yeah. That would be cute Jaxman..."
Jerry: "What would you do little brother?"
Jaxman: "We could sing Jerry, me and you..."
Jerry: "Sing what?"
Jaxman: "You know, something by Men At Work..."
Jerry: "Forget it Jasper, I'm the cooler brother, rememba? I wouldn't be
caught dead singing in front of everyone."
Jaxman: "Fine, suit yourself..."
(Jaxman starts singing to himself, and the scene ends)
******************
(Scene 7-the setting: the Nurses Ball. Sonny, Jason and Robin are about
to go to Jaxman and Brenda's table)
Jaxman: "Dammit! Why does Corinthos have to show up here?"
Sonny: "Hello everyone....Bobbie, Jerx," (smiling widely) "Brenda...I
loved your act. Looking hot as always..."
Brenda (blushing): "Thanks."
Jaxman: "What do you want dammit? Brender's with me now!"
Sonny: "It's not Brender I'm concerned with, it's Brenda."
(Sonny and Jason start to laugh, and Jaxman becomes angry)
Jaxman: "That is not funny dammit! Now why are you at our table?"
Jason: "We hear that you didn't help Robin when Alan threw her down. Is
that true?"
Jaxman: "I'm sorry Row-bin, but Alan was out of control. I did not want
to go near that nutcase!"
Sonny: "Some superhero...I would have helped Robin if I was here..."
Brenda (smiling): "I know you would have Sonny..."
Jaxman: "I did not want to ruin my special occasion speedos by working
tonight...Surely you understand Row-bin....Right?"
Jason: "I think it's time.....What do you think Sonny?"
Sonny (smiles): I think you're right..."
Jaxman: "Oh no, not this again! Wait!"
Robin: "For what?"
Jaxman: "My explanation. Perhaps my failure to act can be best described
using the lyrics to my favorite song, 'Down Under', by the Australian
supergroup, Men At Work."
Jason: "Who?"
Robin (rolls her eyes): "Here we go....Alright Jaxman, I'll listen: again."
Jaxman: "I come from a land down under
Where beer does flow and men chunder
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."
Sonny: "What the h&ll does that mean?"
Jason: "I have no idea..."
Sonny: "Alright Jason, it's time. Would you like to do the honors?"
Robin: "No wait! Allow me."
(Robin, with the help of Jason and Sonny, proceeds to give Jaxman a huge
wedgie. Everyone present laughs)
Jaxman: "Ow, you can't do this to me dammit! Ow, I'm Jaxman! And you are
ruining my special occasion speedos! Row-bin, please stop!"
***Will Jaxman and Robin ever be able to put aside their differences? Or
is this the end of our super-duo? Will Jaxman succeed in resurrecting
the Australian group, Men At Work, from 80's oblivion? Stay tuned for
the next episode of Jaxman and Robin to find out!***
1997-1999 The Jaxcave
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