(Scene 17--the setting: General Hospital. Robin confronts Sarah about her stalking of Nikolas. Both have small, dim halos over their heads...)
Robin: "Sarah, we need to talk....."
Sarah: "What about?" (thinking "as if I don't know....Nikolas is dumping you for me! Yipee!!!")
Robin: "Nikolas...He is MY boyfriend, you know....and it's going to stay that way....."
Sarah: "No offense Robin, but when Nikolas realizes how perfect I am, he will come running....I just need the opportunity to show him...."
Robin: "I hate to burst your bubble, but I am more perfect than you. So you, quite frankly, don't stand a chance!"
Sarah: "Wanna bet? Look at how perfect my beautiful blond hair is...and my bangs. See how straight they are?" (Sarah's halo shines a little brighter)
Robin: "Yeah, well, I have long, dark chestnut brown hair....beautiful like my mother's......" (Robin's halo shines too)
Sarah: "Oh yeah? Well, so far I've gotten all 'A's' in high school..." (Sarah's halo gets a little brighter)
Robin: "Big deal....I got 'A's' all though high school too.....and I went to Yale!" (Robin's halo shines too)
Sarah: "Um....well, I uh...I dated a lot of hot guys at my old school....hotter than Nikolas!" (Sarah's halo shines brighter)
Robin: "Are you kidding? I wrote the book on dating hot guys! I dated Stone Cates, Jason Morgan, and now, Nikolas!!!" (Robin's halo shines too)
Sarah: "Oh yeah? Well, I live here just with my Gram. My parents are in Bosnia helping out the poor people..." (Sarah's halo is really bright now)
Robin: "Well, I live here all by myself with my uncle. My parents were WSB agents and they died in a boat explosion...My dad was trying to save my mom from an evil man named Faison. I was only twelve years old. And not only do I live just with Mac, I also have HIV, which I got from my first love Stone...I stood by his bedside as he fought and then died from AIDS...."
(Robin's halo is so bright, Sarah is hardly able to see)
Sarah: "Oh yeah? Well....well....ARGH!!!"
(Sarah's halo turns dim again, and falls to the floor. She runs screaming from the scene, and Robin is left smiling)
*****************
(Scene 18--the setting: PC high. It's before class and Mr. Murty is on the phone with someone)
Mr. Murty: "Ok, so what is this about?......You want me to what?........Why?.........Ok, if you can't tell me why, at least give me a good reason why I should go along with this.....$10000?......You will pay me that much?.....Wow, you must really dislike this girl......But, I don't know if I can help you or not....It would breach my academic oath.....I can't in good conscience give her that mark.....She's never gotten lower than an ‘A'......She will be mortified! Humiliated!......Oh. That's what you want???......Ok, I guess I can't turn down $10 000, especially with this teacher's salary......Ok then, consider it done.....although I'd still like to know your motive...."
(Murty hears a clicking sound, as the person on the other end hangs up. He looks concerned as the scene ends)
***********************
(Scene 19--the setting: PC high. Sarah and her classmates
are getting ready for Mr. Murty's class)
Mr. Murty: "Ok, I have marked your English tests......Mr. Spencer: C-. You're definitely improving."
(The class laughs, and Lucky smiles)
Lucky: "I try Mr. Murty..."
Mr. Murty: "Lizzie: D. You and Mr. Spencer must have
studied together."
(The class again laughs, as Lucky and Lizzie exchange
high-fives)
Mr. Murty: "Hmm.....Sarah: D."
(The whole class gasps, with shocked looks on their faces.
Lucky and Lizzie smile).
Sarah (lets out a high pitched squeal): "What? This must be
some kind of mistake Mr. Murty! I've never gotten lower
than an 'A' in my life."
(A few jocks at the back of the room shout: "Alright! Now
Sarah's one of us!" as they throw their food across the
classroom)
Mr. Murty: "That's your mark Sarah, D."
(Sarah begins to hyper-ventilate. Her eyes widen as she
begins to panic. She shakes and gasps for air. The whole
class is stunned as Sarah's head falls with a hard thud
onto her desk)
Dini: "Sarah, are you ok?" (She begins to shake Sarah)
"Sarah? Sarah? Oh my gosh Mr. Murty! I think she's dead!"
(Dini thinks to herself "Ha! Now I'm the smartest person in
class again! Good riddance Sarah!")
(The whole class is shocked, as they begin to talk amongst
themselves. Mr. Murty checks Sarah's pulse)
Mr. Murty: "You're right Dini, she's dead."
(A hush falls over the entire class, and the scene ends)
****************
(Scene 20--the setting: Wyndemere gardens. Nikolas and
Robin have a frank discussion about Sarah Webber's
interference in their relationship)
Nikolas: "I'm so sorry about the way things have been
progressing between us. I don't know why this Sarah Webber
continues to interfere with our relationship..."
Robin: "Don't worry, I think I took care of it...at least
for the time-being..."
Nikolas (looking concerned): "What do you mean by
that?"
Robin (laughs): "Don't worry, I didn't kill her or
anything.......I just had a talk with her at the hospital
and made her realize that I was ten times more perfect than
her...."
Nikolas (smiles): "I could have told her that..."
(Nikolas moves in to kiss Robin, but her phone rings)
Robin: "Sorry Nikolas, but I have to get that...It's the
Jaxline." (Robin answers) "Hello?.....Yes Jaxman, what's
going on?....What?....When?.....Ok, I'll be right there!"
(Robin hangs up) "That was Jaxman......I have some
news....." (Robin puts her head down)
Nikolas: "What? What's happened?"
Robin: "Sarah Webber is dead. I must get to the police
station..."
Nikolas: "I'm coming too."
(Robin and Nik leave for the police station, and the scene
ends)
**********************
(Scene 21-the setting: Port Charles police station)
Robin: "I got here as soon as I could Jaxman....what's
happened?"
Jaxman: "Sarah Webber is dead...."
Robin: "I know, you already told me that! How did it
happen?"
Jaxman: "Apparently she got a 'D' on her English paper. She
had always gotten 'Er's' in the past."
Robin: "'Er's'?"
Jaxman: "Yes, 'Er's'." (Robin is looking totally confused,
and Jaxman elaborates) "You know, as in Brender? Or
Mirander?"
Robin (deep in thought): "Oh! She's always gotten 'A's'! I
get it now!"
Jaxman: "That's what I said Row-bin."
Robin: "Ok, whatever....so what was the cause of death? You
don't die from a 'D'...."
Jaxman: "Well in this case, she did....the coroner said the
cause of death was 'embarrassment and humiliation'."
Robin: "Where's the test in question? I smell something
fishy here, and it's not lobster bisque..."
Jaxman: "Right here."
(Jaxman hands the paper to Robin, and she looks at it)
Robin: "Wait a minute....something's not right here. I took
this course and aced it-of course-and I can say that this
is not a 'D' paper....there are no errors on this
test!"
Jaxman: "So? The teacher just made a mistake..."
Robin: "No, I think someone arranged for him to give Sarah
this mark....this is murder!"
(Everyone stands in silence in the police station, and the
scene ends)
*******************
(Scene 22-the setting: The Jaxcave. Jaxman clad in his
speedos, and Robin, in her halter top and leather pants,
are discussing the case)
Robin: "We have to find out who killed Sarah Webber. Who
would have wanted her dead?"
Jaxman: "Well Row-bin, you sure hated her..."
Robin: "What? You think I killed Sarah?"
(Robin's halo reappears, and shines brightly)
Jaxman (shielding himself from the light): "Sorry Row-bin,
temporary loss of sanity..."
Robin: "That's ok...We need to get some ideas Jaxman."
Jaxman: "I think it was Morgan! Jason is the town
criminal...."
Robin: "Are you crazy? Jason never even knew Sarah!"
Jaxman: "That doesn't matter. I say it's Jason, so it is!
I'll go to the penthouse and make him confess..."
Robin: "Whatever. While you're doing that, I'll try to
track down Mr. Murty. Maybe I can get some answers from
him."
(Jaxman and Robin leave the Jaxcave, and the scene
ends)
********************
(Scene 23-the setting: Jason's penthouse. Jason is relaxing
on the couch when Jaxman approaches his door...)
Renaldo: "What do YOU want?"
Jaxman: "I want to see Jason, right now!"
Renaldo: "Who do you think you are? Don't you EVER give me
orders again, got it?"
Jaxman: "I can do what I want. I am Jaxman dammit! And you
must listen to me!"
(Jaxman goes to open the penthouse door)
Renaldo: "What do you think you're doing?"
Jaxman: "I'm going to see Jason, and make him confess to
killing Sarah Webber!"
Renaldo: "Who?"
Jaxman: "Sarah Webber dammit! She is dead, and since Jason
is the only person in town who ever commits crimes, he must
be responsible! Now I'm going inside..."
(Jaxman goes to open the door when Renaldo grabs him.
Renaldo begins beating up Jaxman)
Jaxman: "Ow! You can't do this to me dammit! I'm
Jaxman!"
Renaldo: "Shut up speedo boy, I'm having fun!"
(Renaldo continues beating up Jaxman. The noise outside
causes Jason to open his door)
Jason: "What's going on out here?"
Renaldo: "This clown wanted to see you, but I was having so
much fun beating on him..."
Jason: "Beating on him is fun, isn't it?" (Jason chuckles)
"OK, let him in.....maybe you can have a little more fun
later..."
(Jaxman picks himself up and dusts himself off, and enters
the penthouse)
Jason: *sniff* "So what is this about Speedo-Boy?"
Jaxman: "My name is Jaxman dammit! Jaxman!"
Jason (rubbing his chin): "Whatever. So what do you
want?"
Jaxman: "You killed Sarah Webber, and I want you to admit
it."
Jason (puts his hands on his waist): "Who?"
Jaxman: "Sarah Webber dammit! Now I know you had her
killed, so you might as well admit it or else...."
Jason: "Or else what?" *sniff*
Jaxman: "Or I'll beat it out of you!"
Jason: "You sure you want to do that?" (chuckles)
Jaxman: "Yes dammit!"
Jason: "Well, I'm not admitting to anything because I
didn't kill her..."
Jaxman: "Fine!"
(Jaxman takes a wild swing at Jason. Jason proceeds to beat
Jaxman up)
Jaxman: "Ow! This is getting ridiculous! Ow! Stop it! I'm
Jaxman dammit! You can't do this to me!"
Jason: "Your brother Jerry was right. You do hit like a
girl." (Jason laughs and calls out) "Hey Renaldo! Come join
the fun!" (Renaldo enters)
Renaldo: "Whatever you say boss!"
(Jason and Renaldo give Jaxman a huge 'speedo wedgie.'
Jaxman stands up and quickly tries to fix his attire)
Jaxman (in a high-pitched voice): "I'm Jaxman dammit! I'll
get you for this!"
(Jaxman exits the penthouse, and the scene ends with
Renaldo and Jason laughing)
*****************
(Scene 24-the setting: PC high. Robin has gone to see if
she can find Mr. Murty. She approaches a man whom she does
not recognize)
Robin: "Excuse me, do you know where I can find a Mr.
Murty?"
Mr. Murty: "I am him...Wait. You look familiar. Are you a
former student? I think I had an affair with you a few
years back..."
Robin (looks disgusted): "Uh, no....I wanted to ask you
about Sarah Webber...."
Mr. Murty (his eyes begin to shift): "What about her?"
Robin: "Well, I want to know why she died....I think she
was murdered."
Mr. Murty (clearing his throat, as his voice cracks):
"Murdered? Why do you say that?"
Robin: "Well, I saw her test, and it was NOT a 'D'
paper..."
Mr. Murty: "I don't know what you mean..."
(Mr. Murty begins to stare at Robin in her costume)
Robin: "You gave Sarah a 'D' on her test...." (she pauses
and looks at Murty) "Excuse me! My eyes are up
here....."
Mr. Murty: "Sorry...You were saying?"
Robin: "I was asking you why you gave Sarah a 'D' when
clearly she didn't deserve it...."
Mr. Murty: "I guess I just made a mistake..."
Robin: "I don't think so....I think someone asked you to
alter that test...."
Mr. Murty: "I resemble....oops, I mean, I resent that
remark!"
Robin: "Listen, if you tell me who paid you, you might not
go to jail...."
Mr. Murty (swallowing): "Jail? But, I'm much too pretty to
go to jail!"
Robin: "Then tell me who paid you, and I'll do my best to
help you."
Mr. Murty (confidently): "Sorry, nobody paid me for
anything....I just made an error, that's all."
Robin: "Fine. If you won't admit it to me, maybe you'll
talk to Jaxman."
(Robin takes out her phone and dials. Jaxman, who is
gathering himself after his latest beating, reaches into
his speedos to retrieve his phone)
Jaxman: "Hello?"
Robin: "It's me Jaxman...I'm here with Mr. Murty but he
won't talk to me. I figured you'd have better luck
convincing him to cooperate...."
Jaxman (smiles proudly): "I'll be right there Row-bin."
(Jaxman grabs his coat and rushes out of the Jaxcave, and
the scene ends)
*****************
(Scene 25-the setting: PC High. Jaxman arrives on the
scene)
Jaxman: "I got here as fast as I could Row-bin, although I
already know who paid this guy off..."
Robin: "And who would that be?...As if I don't know!"
Jaxman: "Morgan, of course!"
Robin: "Of course...Anyway, Mr. Murty is in his
classroom...I'm hoping you will be able to make him
talk..."
Jaxman: "Of course I can! I am Jaxman!"
(Robin and Jaxman enter the room. Mr. Murty breaks out in
laughter)
Mr. Murty: "Who..." (still laughing) "Who are you?"
Jaxman: "I am Jaxman dammit! You can't laugh at me!"
Mr. Murty (trying to control his laughter): "Sorry....Is
this how you're going to make me talk?"
(Mr. Murty continues to laugh hysterically)
Mr. Murty: "Oh my! Those speedos! Ha Ha!!! I can't stop!
Ok! Ok! I'll tell you everything, I will. Or else I'll pee
my pants!"
Robin: "Ok....Who paid you off?"
Mr. Murty (in tears now from laughter): "It was Audrey,
Audrey Hardy!"
(Robin and Jaxman look at each other)
Robin: "You must be mistaken..."
Mr. Murty: "No, it was her, I swear!" (He is still
laughing) "Now can I go please? I need to use the
bathroom..."
Jaxman: "Get out of here before I beat on you....I am
Jaxman dammit! Stop laughing at me!"
(Mr. Murty exits, and Jaxman and Robin turn to one
another)
Robin: "I guess we need to pay Mrs. Hardy a visit...."
Jaxman: "I think Morgan paid off Mrs. Hardy to pay off Mr.
Murty....."
Robin: "Ok, whatever Jaxman.....We should go talk to Mrs.
Hardy..."
(Jaxman grabs his coat and rushes out of the school, with
Robin following. The scene ends)
******************
(Scene 26-the setting: Audrey's house. Audrey has called
Kevin and he is at her door)
Audrey: "Kevin, please come in. I'm so glad that you could
make it on such short notice..."
Kevin: "It's not a problem Audrey. It's not like I actually
have a job that I can go to....Which makes me wonder how I
can lead such a lavish lifestyle.....Wow! Alliteration!"
Audrey: (looks at Kevin strangely): "Um...maybe I should
have called someone else..."
Kevin (excitedly): "Don't be silly! I'm ok, I really am!"
Audrey: "Ok, if you say so.....I'm afraid that I need your
help. I don't know if I'm crazy or not..."
Kevin: "Continue.....I AM the expert on craziness after
all...."
Audrey: "Well, I killed my granddaughter."
Kevin: "Hmm, yes, ok...."
Audrey: "I couldn't help myself, she was driving me
insane!!!"
Kevin: "How so?"
Audrey: "She kept calling me Gram!"
Kevin: "What?"
Audrey: "Gram! She wouldn't stop calling me that! I told
her to stop but she wouldn't! She was making me crazy! And
then I started snapping at people at the hospital, yelling
at my friends, I couldn't figure out why! I was acting
totally out of character....I mean, I killed the girl for
heaven's sake!"
Kevin: "Hmm......sounds to me like you were suffering from
Gram-itis."
Audrey: "What?"
Kevin: "Gram-itis....It's a rare illness caused by
excessive exposure to the word 'Gram'...It causes temporary
insanity, and makes you do things you would never do
normally..."
Audrey: "Go on..."
Kevin: "Well, it makes you irritable, cranky, and causes
you whine incessantly....Have you had the urge to kill
someone in the last few days?"
Audrey: "No, not since I murdered Sarah...."
Kevin: "Then I believe we have found your
ailment....Gram-itis."
Audrey: "Will I have to go to jail?"
Kevin: "Not if the people in charge have one iota of
sympathy. Gram-itis is one of the most maddening illnesses
out there. We'll just go to the police station and explain
what happened..."
(As Kevin and Audrey go to leave, they hear a loud thud
against the door. They open it and find Jaxman on the
ground)
Jaxman: "Ow dammit! That door must be made out of steel!"
Kevin: "Actually it's plywood....What are you doing here?"
Jaxman: "I figured out that Audrey paid Mr. Murty to give
Sarah a 'D'." (Robin rolls her eyes) "I came to see if she
would admit that Morgan put her up to it...."
Audrey: "What?"
Jaxman: "I know that Jason paid you to kill Sarah, you can
tell us...."
(Robin is shaking her head)
Kevin: "Actually, Audrey was suffering from a rare illness
called Gram-itis...."
Robin: "What?"
Kevin: "I'll explain in the car, we're going to the police
station..."
(Jaxman, Robin, Audrey and Kevin jump into the Jaxmobile
and head for the police station, and the scene ends)
*******************
(Scene 27-the setting: The police station. Audrey, Kevin,
Jaxman and Robin are met by Taggert and Dara)
Dara (standing beside Taggert): "Hello everyone, what can I
do for you?"
Kevin: "Come on Audrey, you can do it...."
Dara: "Do what?"
Audrey (puts her head down): "I'm here to confess to a
crime......"
Taggert (thinking "I wonder if police brutality would be
permitted against a lady of Mrs. Hardy's years"): "Go
on...."
Audrey: "Well, I paid my granddaughter's teacher to give
her a 'D'...."
Dara: "The Webber case, yes...."
Audrey: "And I knew it would kill her."
(Taggert has a huge smile on his face, anticipating his
opportunity to somehow link 'Angerboy' to the crime)
Dara: "Can you explain your actions Mrs. Hardy?"
Audrey (getting upset): "She wouldn't stop calling me Gram,
and it was making me insane! I couldn't take it
anymore!"
Dara: "So, you paid Mr. Murty to give Sarah a 'D'...."
Audrey: "Yes."
Dara: "How much did you give him?"
Audrey: "$10 000, my whole life savings."
Dara: "Why would you do that?"
Kevin (steps in): "Let me explain....Audrey was suffering
from a rare disorder called Gram-itis...."
Dara: "What?"
Kevin: "Gram-itis. It is caused by prolonged exposure to
the word 'Gram', and it makes people have a temporary loss
of sanity..."
Taggert: "Sounds like a bogus excuse to me...."
Kevin: "Let me demonstrate Detective.....Jaxman, would you
take Detective Taggert into the interrogation room, and do
as we discussed?"
Jaxman (proudly): "Of course!"
(Jaxman and Taggert go into interrogation, as the others
wait outside)
Jaxman: "Gram, Gram, Gram, Gram, Gram" (Taggert is
beginning to cover his ears) "Gram, Gram, Gram,
Gram...."
Taggert (holding his ears): "Shut up! Shut up speedo boy
before I kill you!!!!!"
Jaxman: "Gram, Gram, Gr......"
(Taggert snaps and starts to beat the daylights out of
Jaxman)
Jaxman: "Ow! You can't do this dammit! I'm Jaxman!"
(Kevin breaks down the door, and 5 officers rush in to hold
Taggert back. About five minutes pass, and Taggert finally
calms down)
Kevin: "Bogus excuse? You were saying Detective?"
Taggert: "Ok, I was wrong I admit.....Sorry Jaxman."
Jaxman: "You hurt me dammit!"
Taggert: "Quit your whining speedo boy! For a superhero you
sure are a wimp...."
Dara: "That's enough Detective..."
Taggert: "You want me, don't you Dara?"
Dara (looks at him strangely): "Back to the case....I say
that with the evidence presented to me, Audrey Hardy is
cleared of any wrongdoing in this case....Case
dismissed!"
Taggert: "I'm with you Dara! I'm surprised that Mrs. Hardy
held out that long!"
Robin: "I have an idea! How about declaring April 7 'Audrey
Hardy' day? She should be congratulated for eliminating
such an annoying presence from our community!"
Dara: "Great idea Robin! Today is officially 'Audrey Hardy'
day. All hail Audrey!!!!!"
(The entire police station stands and applauds, as Dara
presents Audrey with the key to the city. The scene fades
as the impromptu celebration in Audrey's honor
continues....)
**Have we seen the last of the Gram-itis' epidemic in Port Charles? Will Audrey continue her killing spree, or was
this just a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence? Stay tuned for
the next episode of The Adventures of Jaxman and Robin!**
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