(Scene 1-the setting: the Jaxcave. Jaxman is sitting on the couch, thinking about Brenda. Robin is sorting through his mail)
Robin: "Bill, bill, hmm...speedo flyer, Men at Work box set...Oh, and the complete Paul Hogan movie library. Jaxman, are you going to look at this stuff?"
Jaxman: "I am sorry. I did not hear you. I was having yet another flashback of my precious Brender. I was remembering the day we had toast for breakfast...those were the days dammit!"
Robin: "Look at this! You got an invitation to Monte Carlo, to play baccarat. Are you going to go?"
Jaxman: "I must dammit! I have no money, but Brender left me $60, 000. What else would I use my last sum of money for? Will you come with me Row-bin?"
Robin: "I don't know Jaxman, I don't know how to play baccarat, and well, you're friends kinda scare me..."
Jaxman: "My friends are cool dammit! Why do they scare you?"
Robin: "They look at me funny. You too, for that matter."
Jaxman: "Oh Row-bin, that is only because you are so skin-ee."
Robin: "Really? I thought it was because I'm always wearing this blue halter top."
Jaxman: "No way dammit! I love your blue top. They just have no sense of style, that's all."
Robin: "Is that why they call us 'The Walking Wedgie and Preacher Smurf'?"
Jaxman: "Come on Row-bin! Come with me, please? Pretty please with sugar on top?"
Robin (rolls her eyes): "Fine, I'll go with you. Are you sure you'll have enough money?"
Jaxman: "Of course dammit! I am Jaxman! And if I run out of mon-ee, I can sell my lovely collection of speedos."
Robin: "Speaking of which, I bet you have a special pair just for this occasion, right?"
(Jaxman is staring into space, and doesn't answer Robin)
Robin: "Hello? Did you hear me Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "Sorry dammit! I was thinking of my precious Brender again. This time we were sitting on the couch watching an Olivia Newton-John concert on pay-per-view."
Robin (shakes her head): "We're going to have to get ready if we're going to make it to Monte Carlo."
Jaxman: "Alright dammit! I'll meet you here in 2 hours."
Robin: "Alright, see you then!"
Jaxman: "Yay dammit!"
(Robin leaves the Jaxcave, and Jaxman starts getting ready for his trip. The scene ends)
******************************************
(Scene 2-the setting: the Jaxcave. Jaxman & Robin are packed and ready to go)
Robin: "Are you ready?"
Jaxman: "Yes dammit!"
Robin: "What did you bring?"
Jaxman: "A toothbrush, my Men At Work CDs, and 20 speedos."
Robin: "20 speedos?"
Jaxman: "Yes dammit! What if Corinthos or Morgan show up? They will ruin my speedos dammit!"
Robin: "Whatever....Let's go!"
(Robin and Jaxman get in the Jaxmobile and are on route to the airport. Jaxman puts a CD in the stereo)
>Who can it be knocking at my door?
Go away, don't come round here no more.>
Robin (frustrated): "Men At Work again?"
Jaxman: "I love them dammit!"
Robin: "I know, but can't we ever listen to anything different?"
Jaxman: "Like what dammit?"
Robin: "Well, I have this CD, called 'The Chipmunks Sing Gospel Classics'..."
Jaxman: "Fine dammit! We will listen to your music. But we will listen to Men At Work on the way home dammit!"
Robin (rolls her eyes): "Fine..."
(Jaxman and Robin drive for a while, as the Chipmunks blast out their version of 'Jesus Loves Me Dave.' Finally they arrive at the airport)
Jaxman: "Excuse me, we have reservations for a flight to Monte Carlo."
Clerk: "Um, I'm afraid that's not possible..."
Jaxman: "What do you mean? I am Jaxman dammit!"
Clerk (looks at him strangely): "You might just be....But, I'm afraid you can't board the plane."
Jaxman: "You are making me very angry dammit! I still have Brender's tripod..."
Clerk (confused): "Huh?"
Robin (interrupting): "Um, ok. Let me handle this Jaxman." (She turns to the clerk) "Why can't he board the plane?"
Clerk: "Uh, in case you haven't noticed, he isn't wearing any pants..."
Jaxman: "There is nothing wrong with my speedos dammit! Nothing! My precious Brender gave these to me!"
Robin: "Could you possibly make an exception? You won't believe this, but he doesn't actually own any pants..."
Clerk: "Are you serious?"
Robin: "I'm afraid so..."
Clerk: "What happens in the winter?"
Robin: "Thermal speedos."
Clerk (hesitates): "Ok...You may board the plane. Have a safe trip..."
Robin: "Thanks." (She turns to Jaxman, who's again staring into space) "Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "What? Oh sorry dammit! He said 'trip' and it reminded me of the time when my precious Brender tripped down the stairs at the Jaxcave. That was so cute dammit!"
Robin (looks at him strangely): "Um...ok. Let's get going."
(Jaxman & Robin board the plane, and the scene ends)
*************************************
(Scene 3-the setting: the airplane. Jaxman & Robin have settled into
their seats, and the plane is in the air)
Robin: "I love flying! The view from the window is so cool. Look, I
think I can even see AJ's head up Edward's @$$ from here!"
Jaxman: "I just wish they would show a good movie. Why are they showing
this Armageddon crap? I want a good movie, like Crocodile Dundee
dammit!"
Voice: "I'd like that too mate!"
Jaxman: "What?" (Jaxman turns around) "Oh my gosh dammit! It is Paul
Hogan, Australian movie star sitting behind us. This is so O-some
dammit!"
Paul Hogan: "Nice to meet ya mate, glad to see that at least one person
liked my movies..."
Jaxman: "Are you kidding? You are the greatest actor ever dammit! I
write you a fan letter every week!"
(Jaxman stands to face Paul Hogan)
Paul Hogan (jumps back): "Whoa! Where the hell are your pants mate?"
Jaxman: "These are my special Crocodile Dundee speedos! Do you like
them?"
Paul Hogan: "Actually, they're a slight bit freaky mate! Stewardess!"
(The stewardess comes over) "This man is wearing no pants! Is there any
way I can move to first class? I'm Crocodile Dundee you know."
Stewardess: "Whoever that is....ok, there's an extra seat for
you..."
Paul Hogan: "Thanks. See ya mate!"
Jaxman: "Bye dammit!" (He turns to Robin) "That was so o-some
dammit!"
Robin: "Whatever..."
(A few hours pass, and Jaxman is falling asleep. He awakens later, to
see the Armageddon is still on)
Jaxman: "This movie is still on? I want to see something good
dammit!"
(The song 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing' by Aerosmith comes on)
Jaxman: "I cannot figure out why, but this song plays in my head every
time I think of my precious Brender."
Robin: "That's weird..." (Jaxman is lost in thought) "Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "Sorry Row-bin, I was thinking of the time that Brender's socks
didn't match. That was so funny dammit!"
(Robin shakes her head)
(The plane lands, and Jaxman & Robin get off and head for their hotel.
The scene ends)
**********************************
(Scene 4-the setting: the hotel. Jaxman & Robin are getting ready to go
to the baccarat tournament. Robin comes out of the bathroom wearing her
baby blue halter top and leather pants)
Robin: "So Jaxman, how do I look?"
Jaxman: "Great dammit! I just cannot ever get enough of that blue shirt.
You must have a lot of them."
Robin: "You know how many speedos you have?" (Jaxman nods his head)
"Well, I have just as many blue shirts as that."
Jaxman: "O-some dammit!" (Jaxman gets a pair of speedos and rushes into
the bathroom) "I must go get ready now. But I want my speedos to be a
surprise."
Robin: "Whatever Jaxman..."
(A few minutes pass, and Robin is waiting patiently for Jaxman to get
ready. Finally, he emerges from the bathroom)
Jaxman: "I am ready dammit! Do you like my lovely speedos?" (Jaxman is
wearing white speedos with the ace of spades on the front)
Robin: "They're great. The card on the front is a nice touch."
Jaxman: "Thanks dammit!"
(Robin shakes her head)
Robin: "Are you sure about this Jaxman? We can always go back to Port
Charles if you're not up for it..."
Jaxman: "Of course I am sure! I am Jaxman dammit! Doer of good and
conqueror of evil. Corporate raider by day, superhero by night!"
Robin: "Whatever....Are you ready to go?" (Jaxman doesn't answer) "Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "Oh sorry Row-bin! I am ready dammit! I was just remembering the time when my precious Brender actually bought ME something. That was so nice of her dammit!"
Robin (shakes her head): "Let's go then..."
(Jaxman grabs his coat and rushes out of the hotel, and Robin follows.
The scene ends)
***************************************
(Scene 5-the setting: the baccarat tournament. Jaxman & Robin arrive and
are met by stares and laughter)
Jaxman: "Someone must have told a funny joke Row-bin, because everyone
is laughing. I wish I would have heard it dammit!"
Robin: "I'm not so sure it was a joke Jaxman. You know, maybe white
isn't your colour..."
(Jaxman & Robin are greeted by Thaao)
Thaao: "Jaxman! Surprised to see you here. We actually sent your
invitation BEFORE you lost all your money. We were hoping.....I mean, we
weren't expecting you to show." (He looks at Robin) "Always good to see
you Robin, LOVE your outfit."
Jaxman: "Of course I am here dammit! My precious Brender would have
wanted me to come here and recoup the millions of dollars I lost. I
bee-leeve that it is realistic to regain millions in one weekend of
playing baccarat, especially when I am broke."
Thaao: "Whatever you say Jaxman. Come on in and play some hands."
Jaxman: "Yay dammit!"
(Jaxman & Robin walk to the baccarat table, where they meet their
opponents)
Robin: "Wow, that's Mel Gibson! I love him!"
Jaxman: "Who is that?"
Robin: "What? You don't know Mel Gibson? He's from Lethal Weapon, Mad
Max.....He's from Australia Jaxman."
Jaxman: "You are kidding me! I did not know this! I always thought that
guy was American. I still say he is not as good as Paul Hogan though.
That guy is great dammit!"
Robin (rolls her eyes): "Whatever..."
(Robin & Jaxman sit down, and Mel's partner joins them)
Jaxman: "Oh my gosh dammit! It is Kylie Minogue, Australian singer. I
have all her albums dammit! I love her!"
Robin: "Who?"
Jaxman: "Remember, she sang the Loco-motion..."
Robin (flashes back to the sight of Jaxman dancing in his living room):
"How could I forget?"
Jaxman: "I am so nervous dammit! I do not want to lose in front of Kylie
Minogue!"
Robin: "Keep it together Jaxman! You need to concentrate on the
game."
(The dealer deals the cards, and Mel looks at his hand)
Mel: "I will raise you $60 000 mate."
Jaxman: "I will see you dammit!"
Robin (whispering): "Are you crazy? That's all you have!"
Jaxman (whispering back): "I must bet dammit! Kylie Minogue is looking
at me. I cannot back down."
Robin (whispers): "I hope you know what you're doing..."
Mel: "What do you got?"
Jaxman: "You first dammit!"
Mel (turns his cards over): "Seven..."
Jaxman: "DAMMIT!"
Mel: "Sorry mate..." (Mel collects all the money)
Jaxman: "Dammit! I cannot bee-leeve I lost all of Brender's money! What will I do now dammit?"
Robin: "Maybe we should just go home..." (Robin looks at Jaxman, but he
doesn't respond) "Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "What were you saying Row-bin?"
Robin: "I said maybe we should go home."
Jaxman: "Maybe you are right. Sorry I did not hear you. I was just
flashing back to the time that Brender knocked me unconscious with the
tripod.... I miss her dammit!"
Robin: "I know you do Jaxman...Let's just go...."
Jaxman: "Ok Row-bin...I am feeling dee-pressed."
(Just as they're about to leave, Thaao comes rushing up)
Thaao: "Jaxman! Robin! I need your help!"
Jaxman: "What is the matter dammit?"
Thaao: "Someone is cheating and stealing the money! I need to find out
who it is... Will you help?"
Jaxman: "Of course I will! I am Jaxman dammit!"
(Robin rolls her eyes, and the scene ends)
*************************************
(Scene 6-the setting: Monte Carlo. Jaxman, Robin and Thaao are meeting
in a back room, trying to come up with a plan to find the cheater)
Jaxman: "Well, I bee-leeve I already know who the culprit is..."
Robin (rolling her eyes): "Jaxman, need I remind you that Sonny & Jason
aren't here?"
Jaxman: "I know that dammit! But if they were here, they would be
responsible! But I know who it is. It is Mel Gibson dammit! I know
it!"
Thaao: "Jaxman, I don't think it's Mel Gibson. The guy doesn't have to
cheat, he already has all the money he could want..."
Jaxman: "I am Jaxman dammit! And I say the culprit is Mel Gibson,
so-called movie star."
Thaao (shakes his head): "Whatever...."
Robin: "Is there anyone here that you didn't invite, Thaao?"
Thaao: "Not that I've seen..."
Robin: "Hmm, maybe Jaxman & I can go undercover to see if we find
anything."
Thaao: "Good idea. What do you have in mind?"
Robin: "We can play against all your guests, and see if we find anything
suspicious."
Thaao: "Great!" (He hesitates) "Wait, you don't have any money. Does
that mean I have to lend you the cash?"
Jaxman: "Of course dammit! I am O-some at baccarat, you have nothing to
worry about!"
Thaao: "I think I'm going to regret this, but...ok, you guys play all my
guests, and see if you can find the cheater."
Jaxman: "I will dammit! I am Jaxman! Doer of good and conqueror of
evil..."
Robin & Thaao (interrupting): "Corporate raider by day, superhero by
night, yes, we know." (They shake their heads)
Jaxman: "I bee-leeve the cheater can best be described by using the
lyrics to one of my favorite songs..."
Robin (rolls her eyes): "Men At Work again?"
Jaxman: "No dammit! Although they are great too....This song is by the
other Australian supergroup, Midnight Oil. It is called 'Beds are
Burning.'"
Robin: "Oh geez..."
Jaxman: "How can we dance when our world is turning,
How do we sleep while our beds are burning?"
"The time has come to say fair's fair,
To pay the rent now, to pay our share,
The time has come, a fact's a fact,
It belongs to them, we're gonna give it back."
Robin (surprised): "Wow! That almost half way made sense Jaxman!"
Jaxman: "Thanks dammit! Now it is time to get to work!"
(Jaxman, Robin and Thaao re-enter the playing area, and the scene
ends)
**************************************
(Scene 7-the setting: the playing area. Jaxman and Robin are making the
rounds, trying to find the person who's cheating)
Jaxman: "I think we should play Mel Gibson first, since I think he is
the cheater dammit!"
Robin (rolls her eyes): "Fine, let's go."
(Jaxman and Robin sit at the table)
Mel: "Fancy seeing you here again. I thought you lost all your
money."
Jaxman: "Shut up dammit! I am here to win back what is rightfully
mine."
Mel: "Fine." (Mel turns to the dealer) "Deal the cards mate."
(Jaxman and Mel analyze their cards, and Robin looks for any suspicious
moves)
Jaxman: "What do you have dammit?"
Mel: "Seven."
Jaxman: "DAMMIT!"
Mel: "Sorry mate."
Jaxman (to Robin): "I must expose Mel Gibson for the cheater he is."
Robin: "You can't! I was watching, he didn't cheat."
Jaxman: "I said he cheated which means he did. I am Jaxman dammit!"
Robin: "Let's just play everyone else and see what we find."
Jaxman: "Fine dammit! But I still say that Mel Gibson is the
cheater!"
Robin (shakes her head): "Whatever..."
(Jaxman and Robin make their way to all the tables, still unable to find
the cheater. Thaao approaches the superheros)
Thaao: "Did you find the cheater?"
Robin: "No, not yet..."
Thaao: "How did the betting go?"
Robin (apprehensive): "Well..."
Thaao (concerned): "Well what?"
Robin: "Jaxman lost some hands."
Thaao: "By 'some', what do you mean?"
Robin: "Well, he lost them all Thaao."
Thaao (angry): "What? You lost all my money Jaxman? Dammit!"
Jaxman: "They are all cheaters dammit! All of them! I am the baccarat
champion and I cannot be beaten unless people are cheating!"
Robin: "Before you get too angry Thaao, there's only one person I can
see who we haven't played yet. Chances are he's the cheater."
Thaao (confused): "You've played all my invited guests."
Robin: "Well, there's one guy we haven't played. He's over there. We'll
take you to him."
Thaao: "Ok."
Robin: "Let's go Jaxman." (Jaxman is staring into space, and doesn't answer) "Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "Sorry Row-bin. I was just thinking of the time when my precious Brender actually did something without my help. I hated that dammit!"
(Jaxman, Thaao and Robin make their way over to the man's table, and the
scene ends)
************************************
(Scene 8-the setting: the baccarat tables. Jaxman, Robin and Thaao
approach the man they haven't yet played. They can only see him from the
back. He's wearing a tan vest, a hat, and is carrying a large carving
knife)
Robin: "Excuse me..."
Man: "Yeah mate?" (The man turns around)
Jaxman: "Oh my gosh dammit! It is Paul Hogan again!"
Thaao (to Robin): "Who?"
Robin (to Thaao): "Paul Hogan. He's some movie actor from Australia. He
was in Crocodile Dundee or something."
Thaao (confused): "Ok..."
Robin: "Jaxman loves him."
Thaao (shakes his head): "Figures."
Jaxman: "I am so excited dammit! Do you remember me?"
Paul Hogan (looks at Jaxman, then at his speedos): "Of course mate!
You're that dude who wore no pants on the plane."
Jaxman: "That is right dammit! I am so excited that you remember
me!"
Robin: "Mr. Hogan, we were wondering if we could play a hand against
you."
Jaxman: "No way dammit! We will not play Paul Hogan, Australian movie
star. He is O-some dammit!"
Thaao (to Robin): "What are we going to do now? Jaxman will never help
us prove that Paul Hogan is the cheater. He likes him too much. Now what
are we going to do? We're sunk."
Robin: "Not exactly...I have an idea..."
(Robin and Thaao huddle, and the scene ends)
*************************************************
(Scene 9-the setting, Paul Hogan's table. Robin and Thaao are going over
the last stages of their plan)
Thaao: "Are you sure this will work?"
Robin: "Positive. You set up the distraction, then you can play Paul
Hogan. I'll look for signs of cheating. Believe me, Jaxman will be out
of the way for a while."
Thaao: "Ok, I'm willing to try anything..."
(Thaao walks over to Kylie Minogue, who is still playing with Mel
Gibson. He explains the situation to her, and asks for a favor. She
decides to help)
Thaao: "Thanks Kylie, I owe you one."
Kylie: "I'm glad I can help. I'm just not sure how this will assist
you."
Thaao: "Trust me. If you do what we discussed, you'll help me more than
you know."
Kylie: "Ok Thaao."
(Kylie Minogue walks up onto the stage, and whispers something to the
piano player. He nods in agreement)
Kylie: "Hi everyone, I'm Kylie Minogue. I have a special request. I'd
like to dedicate this song to Jaxman, that buff, speedo-wearing stud.
This one's for you..."
Jaxman (happy): "Oh my goodness! Kylie Minogue is singing a song for me?
I am so excited dammit!"
Robin (looks down): "I can see that...so can everyone else here."
(Kylie Minogue begins singing the Loco-motion. Jaxman starts to dance
around the room)
Jaxman (singing): "Everybody's doing a brand-new dance now, come on
baby, do the Loco-motion..."
(Jaxman is distracted and Thaao and Robin play Paul Hogan in a game of
baccarat. Robin notices him pull a card from his hat)
Thaao: "What do you have?"
Paul Hogan: "Seven!"
Thaao: "You win."
Robin (whispers to Thaao): "He pulled a card from his hat."
Thaao (stands to shake his hand): "Good playing sir, that was
impressive."
Paul Hogan: "Thanks mate."
(Robin walks by and purposely knocks Paul Hogan's hat off his head.
Playing cards fall on the ground)
Robin (to Paul): "I am so sorry!"
Thaao (picks up the cards): "What are these? I believe we have found our
cheater!"
(Just then, Kylie has finished singing, Jaxman has finished dancing, and
he is returning to Paul Hogan's table)
Jaxman: "Did you hear that Row-bin? She dedicated that song to me! That
was so cool dammit!"
(Jaxman sees Paul Hogan being escorted out of the building)
Jaxman: "What is going on here dammit? That is Paul Hogan, Australian
movie star. You can't do this to him!"
Paul Hogan: "That's ok mate, I'm fine. Keep watching my movies..." (Paul
and the escorts exit)
Jaxman: "I will dammit!" (He turns to Robin and Thaao) "What is going
on? Where is Paul Hogan going?"
Robin: "I hate to have to tell you this Jaxman, but Paul Hogan was the
cheater. Thaao and I caught him red-handed..."
Jaxman (upset): "I do not bee-leeve you dammit! Paul Hogan is great
dammit! He is great!"
Robin: "I'm sorry Jaxman..." (Jaxman doesn't respond to Robin)
"Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "Sorry dammit! This reminds me of the time my precious Brender
left me for Sonny Corinthos. I am so dee-pressed dammit!"
**Will Jaxman ever believe his hero is a criminal? Will he get over his
precious Brender once and for all? Will he and Robin ever win a hand of
baccarat? Tune in for the next episode and find out!
1997-1999 The Jaxcave
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