The Case of the Soiled Speedos


(Scene 1-the setting: the Jaxcave. Jaxman was sitting on the couch. He had just found out about Robin going to Italy)

Jaxman: "Why did Row-bin leave me here all alone? I miss her dammit! And my precious Brender...I said 'Nobody Leaves' dammit! And she left. Oh, I am feeling so dee-pressed..."

(Just then there was a knock on the door of the Jaxcave. Jaxman went to answer it)

Jerry: "Hello little brotha! What's the matta?"

Jaxman: "I am just feeling all alone. No one loves me, especially now that I lost all my mon-ee....Wait a minute, why am I telling you this? I do not even like you anymore! Get out of the Jaxcave right now dammit! Or I will throw you out."

Jerry: "Fine, have it your way. You were always such a baby. Some things neva change. Goodbye." (Jerry exits the penthouse)

Jaxman: "I was never a baby dammit! I am Jaxman!" (Jaxman sticks his thumb in his mouth and starts sucking, and lies in the fetal position on the couch. After a few minutes, the phone rings)

Jaxman: "Hello?"

Stefan: "Yes, Jaxman?"

Jaxman: "This is me dammit!"

Stefan: "I am facing a quandary Mr. Jaxman, and I am seeking your assistance for my peril..." (Jaxman thinks to himself 'I wish Row-bin were here, so I could understand him dammit!' as Stefan continues) "What I require from you is the incontrovertible documentation of Luke Spencer's involvement in the attempted assassination of my substitute love, Katherine, who now, for some peculiar justification has been fraternizing with my beloved son, oops, I mean nephew, Nikolas. But that is not the cause for my call. I command you to locate the relevant documents, and illustrate that Spencer is responsible for Katherine's fall. I also want documentation that establishes my sister, Alexis', function in the murder plot. Will you aid me in my quest Mr. Jaxman?"

(Jaxman looks puzzled, trying to understand what Stefan has asked of him. Finally, he answers, with uncertainty) "Um, ok dammit! I will help you!"

Stefan: "I envision that my suspicions will be substantiated. Thank you."

Jaxman: "You are welcome dammit! Goodbye!"

(Jaxman starts to panic) "Who can I get to help me dammit? Row-bin is not here." (Then, he remembered someone, more powerful than anyone he had ever seen before) "I have got it dammit! I must pack. I am off to Sunnydale."

(Jaxman goes upstairs to pack, and the scene ends)

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(Scene 2-the setting: Sunnydale high. Buffy and her friends are in the library when Jaxman enters, wearing a pair of speedos with a vampire on the front)

Jaxman: "Hello dammit!"

(The group looks at him strangely, not knowing who he is, or why he's there)

Xander (sarcastically): "Well, hello there 'dammit!' Welcome to THIS world..."

Willow (turns to Buffy): "Vampire?"

Buffy (to Willow): "Has to be. Check out those clothes."

Willow: "What do you say we, I mean, you, kick his ass?"

Buffy: "Sounds like a plan." (Buffy turns to Jaxman) "Hey, speedo boy! Ever get a wedgie?"

Jaxman: "Many times dammit! How did you know?"

Buffy (looks at him strangely): "Just a lucky guess..."

(Buffy starts to beat on Jaxman, as her friends look on and cheer. Giles walks in and sees what's happening)

Giles: "Buffy! Stop!"

Buffy (turns to him): "What do you know, Giles is getting all soft on vamps."

Giles: "He's not a vamp Buffy. He's Jaxman, and he's come for your help."

Buffy (looks to Jaxman): "Sorry about that. What are you here for?"

Jaxman: "I need your help dammit! I am a superhero from a city called Port Charles..."

Cordelia: "What do you know? Slayers, superheros, what a wonderful world we live in."

Oz: "Don't forget wearwolves. You can't forget wearwolves."

Jaxman: "Anyway, I need your help on a big case. My partner Row-bin is gone and I need someone to work with dammit!"

Xander (looks at everyone): "Hello? Am I the only one noticing the 'dammit' complex here?"

Jaxman: "What do you mean dammit?"

Xander (shakes his head): "Never mind..."

Buffy: "I guess I can help, can't I Giles?"

Giles: "Um, if you'd like..."

Jaxman: "I can solve the case all by myself, it is just that I get lonely with no company."

Buffy: "Whatever....Where do we start?"

Giles: "I have an idea. Let's all get something to eat, and meet back here in an hour. We can get into the details then."

Jaxman: "Thanks dammit! See you then!"

(Everyone leaves the library, and the scene ends)

************************************************

(Scene 3-the setting: the library. Everyone has come back from their dinner break to discuss the case)

Giles: "What exactly is it that you require from us?"

Jaxman (looks at him, confused): "Um, what do you mean dammit?"

Buffy: "Uh, he asked what you need?"

Jaxman: "Oh! I get it now! Um, I am not quite sure what I need, I could not understand what Stefan asked dammit!"

Xander (starting to get irritated by Jaxman's use of the word dammit): "DAMMIT!"

(Everyone looks at him, and he gets a little embarrassed)

Xander: "Sorry, but that is driving me crazy!" (He looks at Jaxman) "Is there any possibility that you can stop saying that?"

Jaxman: "Stop saying what dammit?"

Xander: "ARGH!!!"

Giles: "Getting back to the case, you don't know what your mission is?"

Jaxman: "No, but I taped the phone conversation."

Oz: "You 'Tripp-ed' someone? No sex talk, I hope..."

Jaxman: "No way dammit!" (Xander cringes, and Jaxman plays the tape for them)

Giles: "Oh, that's easy. He wants you to find out who tried to kill this Katherine person."

Jaxman: "Oh dammit! How do I do that?"

Willow: "Did you ask anyone any questions? You know, that could help, question asking...and answering."

Jaxman: "No dammit! I did not! I will do that! Thanks dammit!"

Buffy: "That's it? That's all you need?"

Jaxman: "Yes dammit! I can do the rest now."

Xander: "Are you serious? You came from New York, so someone could tell you to ask questions?"

Cordelia: "Um, hello? Look at him. He's a freak, which is saying a lot considering we live in a freak town. I mean, the man came here in speedos. Eww. Speedos were out of style like, years ago."

Buffy: "Well, since we helped you and you came all this way, will you help me? With slaying, I mean."

Jaxman: "Of course! I am Jaxman dammit! Doer of good and conqueror of evil! Corporate raider by day, superhero by night!"

Oz: "Is this guy for real?"

Willow: "He seems real, as far as realness goes."

Giles: "Ok, meet us in the cemetery, 9:00."

Jaxman: "I'll be there dammit!"

(Jaxman exits the library, and the group looks at each other, still not sure what to make of him)

Xander: "If that's what people are like outside of Sunnydale, I'll choose risking my life everyday to live here."

(Everyone answers in unison): "I'll second that."

******************************************

(Scene 4-the setting: the cemetery. Jaxman arrives and meets everyone there)

Buffy: "Speedo boy, over here. You'll need to be prepared..." (She hands him a stake)

Jaxman (uncertain): "Prepared? For what?"

Buffy: "Killing vamps. Remember, I'm Buffy, the VAMPIRE SLAYER?"

Jaxman (scared): "What do I do with this?"

Xander: "When the vamps attack you, and they will considering those speedos you're wearing, you stab them in the heart with it."

Jaxman: "What is wrong with my speedos?"

Buffy: "Well, they're pretty ugly, and vampires don't like being depicted in a negative way. It's sort of an annoying trait they have."

Jaxman (nervous): "So, I have to stab them?"

Oz: "In the heart. Dead, vaporized. It's really pretty cool. Well, as cool as death and violence can be, which is, pretty cool."

Buffy: "Are you sure you're up for this?"

Jaxman (trying to be strong): "Of course I am! I am Jaxman dammit!"

Giles: "Ok, let's go..."

(They start walking through the cemetery and Jaxman follows, terrified. Suddenly, a group of vamps jump out at them, and they start fighting. Jaxman is just watching them, paralyzed with fear)

Xander: "Jaxman! Use the stake! Come on! Use it!"

Spike (looks at Jaxman): "Well well, what do we have here? Who is this guy? The slayer's friends are getting more pathetic by the day. Although I think Dru would enjoy having him as her personal 'toy.' Of course, those speedos will have to go..."

(Spike laughs as Jaxman stands there shaking. Suddenly, he feels something wet running down his leg)

Jaxman: "Oh no! I just peed in my speedos dammit! This is too scary. I am leaving dammit!"

(Jaxman takes off, while the others take care of the last few vampires)

Spike (as he's about to leave): "Please be sure to bring that strange guy along next time. I think I'd actually take great pleasure from killing him. Those speedos were an insult to all the great vampires, like...well, me for instance."

Buffy: "Go away Spike, before I kill you."

Spike (sarcastic): "Ooh, scary..." (Spike exits the scene)

Xander: "I guess 'freak boy' couldn't handle the pressure."

Cordelia: "Well, he was pretty strange. Anyone who would wear those brown speedos with navy boots needs a fashion lesson."

Giles: "Well, it would seem that we've seen the last of Mr. Jaxman."

Buffy: "I hope so..."

***Have the people of Sunnydale seen the last of Jaxman? Will he ever recover from his ordeal in the cemetery? Will Jaxman be able to solve the case for Stefan? Stay tuned for the next Jaxman and Robin episode and find out!***

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