(Scene 1-the setting: The Jaxcave. Jaxman is sitting alone in the living
room)
Jaxman: "My penthouse is so lovely, look at all these pretty pictures on
my wall. My 'Men at Work' poster, my 'Crocodile Dundee' action
figure....Oh, and my Olivia Newton-John autographed poster from the
video 'Physical'. I love her dammit! She is hot!"
(Just then, Brenda enters)
Brenda: "What were you saying about me being hot Jaxman? I mean, I know
that I am, but I just like to hear you say it."
Jaxman: "You know how I feel about you Brender, that is why we are
getting married. Oh, and also because you had no choice but to marry me
since Corinthos left."
Brenda: "Sonny means nothing to me Jaxman! I love you and only
you....Oh, and I'm sorry I hurt you....I'm just glad that you don't mind
being my second choice..."
Jaxman: "No way dammit! You love me now and I love you!"
Brenda: "Listen, if I'm going to move in here with you, we're going to
have to do some redecorating..."
Jaxman: "What do you mean my precious Brender?"
Brenda: "I mean these posters. Olivia Newton-John is pretty cool, but
she's everywhere!"
Jaxman: "She is great dammit!"
Brenda: "I'm not disputing that. But there is a poster of her on the
bathroom wall, not to mention the 'Physical' poster over the
fireplace..."
Jaxman: "I am sorry Brender, but I will not remove those posters. I love
Olivia Newton-John dammit!"
Brenda: "Fine, but I draw the line at the poster on the ceiling in the
bedroom. That has to go..."
Jaxman: "But that is autographed dammit! And I love it!"
Brenda: "Well I don't!" (Brenda pauses for a second) "Wait a minute!
That's why you like to be on the bottom..."
(Jaxman blushes, and turns away)
Jaxman: "I do not want to talk to you when you are like this. I am going
upstairs dammit!"
Brenda (yelling up the stairs): "Fine, you be with your poster. You're
just like Sonny! If I had my tripod handy..."
(Brenda runs out of the Jaxcave and slams the door. The scene shifts to
the upstairs and Jaxman, who is writing a letter to Olivia Newton-John)
Jaxman: "Hmm, what should I write to Olivia Newton-John today? Yesterday
I sent her the transcript of my favorite Paul Hogan scene, so I must top
that dammit! Hey! I have an idea! Where are Mirander's love letters?
They can give me some ideas." (Jaxman searches around for a few minutes,
and finds the letters) "Yes, here they are! This one is my
favourite...Let me write my letter now."
(Jaxman begins to write, and the letter reads):
"Dear Olivia Newton-John,
I think you are great dammit! And as I sit here and drink from your
coffee cup, a million thoughts run through my mind, all of you. The way
we walked on the beach, the sand between our toes, that was so great.
And I want to have that again, if only I could find you dammit! I love
you Olivia Newton-John, and I am 'Hopelessly Dee-voted to You'. Do you
get it? Haha! That's the name of one of your songs! I am so funny
sometimes dammit!"
(Jaxman smiles, and the scene ends)
**********************
(Scene 2-the setting: the Jaxcave. Robin arrives so that Jaxman can
drive her to the airport)
Robin: "Hello? Is anyone here?"
Jaxman: "Yes dammit! I am here....I need to take you to the airport,
right Row-bin?"
Robin: "Yes Jaxman, let's go..."
(Jaxman and Robin exit the penthouse and make their way to the
Jaxmobile. They start driving and strike up a conversation)
Jaxman: "Row-bin, do you want to sing a song?"
Robin (tentatively): "Um...That depends...What song?"
Jaxman: "How about Summer Nights? You can be Olivia Newton-John, and
I'll be that other guy..."
Robin: "You mean John Travolta?"
Jaxman: "I do not know what his name is and I do not care dammit! Olivia
Newton-John is great and he is nothing without her!"
Robin: "Are you aware that John Travolta is one of the highest paid
actors in Hollywood today?"
Jaxman: "I do not care! I should have been in the movie Grease instead
of him. I am great dammit!"
Robin: "Ok, whatever you say Jaxman..."
(They arrive at the airport, and Robin gets out of the Jaxmobile)
Robin: "I'll see you later..."
Jaxman: "Wait! I shall escort you to your plane. Airports can be very
dangerous, and I want to show off my new speedos..."
Robin: "Whatever you want Jaxman....Oh, and nice speedos by the way. The
picture of Olivia on the back is a nice touch..."
Jaxman: "Thanks dammit! I just wish I could show her how much I love
her."
Robin: "What about Brenda?"
Jaxman: "Brender? Oh, I love her too of course."
Robin: "Whatever....Let's get going. My flight leaves soon..."
(Robin and Jaxman walk to Robin's gate, and Jaxman sees someone else
arriving at the airport)
Jaxman (excited): "Oh dammit! I do not believe this! I think I might pee
in my speedos!"
Robin: "What? What is it?"
Jaxman: "Over there! It is Olivia Newton-John, in the flesh! And she is
coming this way!"
Olivia: "Excuse me, but are you Jaxman and Robin?"
(Jaxman is too excited to speak, so Robin decides to do the talking)
Robin: "Yes we are....Can we help you?"
Olivia: "Actually, yes. I need for you to take a case for me..."
Robin: "What seems to be the problem?"
Olivia: "Well, there is this person who is stalking me....I want him to
stop so I can continue my career. He really has me freaked out!"
Robin: "Well, unfortunately I have to go out of town for a while, but
I'm sure Jaxman will take the case..." (Robin turns to Jaxman) "Right
Jaxman?...Jaxman?"
Jaxman (catching his breath): "Uh, oh, yes! Yes I will take the case dammit! Let's go back to
the Jaxcave and discuss the situation....Have a nice trip Row-bin..."
Robin: "Thanks Jaxman....And good luck Miss Newton-John. I hope you can
find this sicko and get on with your life."
Olivia: "I hope so too...Have a nice trip..."
(Robin gets on her plane as Jaxman and Olivia make their way back to the
Jaxcave. The scene ends)
*************************
(Scene 3-the setting: Wyndemere. Nikolas is trying to explain to Stefan
why he needs to go to Paris)
Nikolas: "Uncle, I will be departing for Paris soon, and I will not let
you prevent me from doing so..."
Stefan: "Nikolas, why the sudden requirement to commute to Paris? What
will be the intention of your visit?"
Nikolas: "Robin is there, and I want to convince her once and for all
that I'm the man for her....Actually, I'm a boy, but I feel as though I
inhabit both a man's body and a man's intellect."
Stefan: "That is because you do Nikolas. You are a brilliant product of
your privileged heritage. But I still do not comprehend your fascination
with Miss Scorpio. Why do you so much crave her companionship?"
Nikolas: "She understands me...And no one else does. Perhaps another
product of my heritage...Heck, she even understands you Uncle! And who
else in Port Charles can make that claim?"
Stefan: "I believe that you are correct Nikolas. Yes, I will permit you
to journey to Paris to see Miss Scorpio. I only urge you to be
cautious....A long journey can sometimes produce situations of great
peril and strife. One's enemies will locate weaknesses and other
inconsistencies if one is not guarded..."
Nikolas: "Ok Uncle, I'll be careful..."
(Nikolas exits the living room, and the scene ends)
***********************
(Scene 4-the setting: the Jaxcave. Jaxman and Olivia Newton-John have
just gotten home when there is a knock on the door)
Jaxman: "I am going to answer the door..."
Jerry: "Hello little brotha!" (he turns and notices Olivia) "Hey! Olivia Newton-John...Long time no see!
How is such a fine lady this evening?"
Olivia (smiles): "Jerry! I'm doing just great. And how are you?"
Jerry: "Surviving, my life is so empty without you..." (smirks)
Olivia: "Oh Jerry, always a kidder..." (Jerry smiles)
Jaxman: "You two know each other?"
Jerry: "We dated a while back..."
Jaxman: "You dated Olivia Newton-John and did not tell me? Dammit!"
Jerry: "Take it easy little brotha...I just came to give you these
papers. They need your signature ASAP. And please don't sign 'Jaxman
Dammit' this time..."
Jaxman: "I will take care of it Jerry...Now can you please leave? Olivia
Newton-John and I must discuss business..."
Jerry: "Fine, I have to leave anyway..." (Jerry kisses Olivia's hand)
"It was a pleasure to see you again. Once you're finished here, look me
up. I'd love a nightcap..."
Olivia (smiles): "I will....Goodbye Jerry."
(Jerry exits and the scene ends)
**************************
(Scene 5-the setting: The penthouse. Jason is trying to explain to
Michael why he has to go to Paris)
Jason: "Listen Michael....I need to go to Paris. Robin is there,
remember her? Yeah, I love her, and I love you too. It's a different
kind of love, but....Well, it's too hard to explain, I'll tell you about
it when you get older. Listen, you are a person, no one owns you....But
I'm going to leave you here with Leticia and Renaldo while I'm
gone....But I will be back, and when I do we'll go to the beach, and
I'll read you some more of those Paris travel magazines that you
probably don't understand. Heck, I don't even really understand
them....But I do understand French, which is weird....I'll tell you
about that later too....I also promise to bring your mom home soon,
remember what she looks like? People say you look like her but I think
you look like yourself...But I still don't understand where you got red
hair....Anyway, be good while I'm gone, and when I get home I'll tell
you all about my trip....Oh, and stay away from that crazy Alan. He's a
junkie."
(Jason stands by the window holding Michael and the scene ends)
**************************
(Scene 6-the setting: The Jaxcave. Jaxman and Olivia Newton-John are
discussing the case)
Jaxman: "Sorry about the interruption. Jerry is always interrupting
me..."
Olivia: "That's ok, it was good seeing him again."
Jaxman: "Welcome to my home Olivia Newton-John. I hope you like it..."
Olivia (looks at all the posters on the wall and answers tentatively):
"Uh, yeah, it's great..."
Jaxman: "I just wanted to tell you that I think you are O-some dammit!"
Olivia (confused): "O-some? Uh, thanks...."
Jaxman: "Ok, what can you tell me about this man? I mean, I know it's
probably Morgan, but he's out of town right now..."
Olivia: "Who's Morgan?"
Jaxman: "Oh, he's the town criminal...He is responsible for everything
that goes wrong in Port Charles dammit!"
Olivia: "Oh.....Well, I brought the last few letters I got from him with
me, maybe they'll help...The one phrase he always uses is 'dammit', I
can't figure out why..."
Jaxman: "What do they say?"
Olivia: "Well, this one here quotes Men At Work." (She hands him the
letter)
Jaxman: "They are great dammit!"
Olivia: "Who?"
Jaxman: "Men At Work! I love them dammit! Do you want me to sing one of
their songs for you?"
Olivia (looking confused): "Uh....no, that is quite alright.....And then
there's this letter. It consists of transcripts from Crocodile Dundee."
Jaxman: "Do you not like Crocodile Dundee?"
Olivia: "Well, it's ok....But I don't see why someone would send me that
kind of thing..."
Jaxman: "I love Paul Hogan, Australian movie star. I want to be like him
one day."
Olivia (pauses, then speaks): "You know, you DO say 'dammit' a lot..."
Jaxman: "I do? I never really noticed it dammit!"
Olivia: "I'm getting a funny feeling here...." (she pauses and thinks)
"Oh my gosh!"
Jaxman: "What? What is the matter dammit?"
Olivia (loudly): "It's you!"
(Olivia looks at Jaxman accusingly and he looks shocked. The scene ends)
***************************
(Scene 7-the setting: Robin's hotel room. Robin responds to a knock at
the door)
Robin: "Who is it?"
Jason: "It's me..."
Robin (opens the door): "What are you doing here?"
Jason: "I came to see you..." (He closes the door behind him, and
there's another knock)
Robin: "Wow, I must be really popular...Well, of course I
am!....Coming!"
(Robin answers the door and sees Nikolas)
Robin: "What are you doing here?"
Nikolas: "I'm here to see you..." (Nik turns and looks at Jason)
"Jason..."
Jason: "Nikolas..."
Nikolas: "Robin, I have travelled here in the hopes of winning your
love..."
Robin: "That's so sweet Nikolas!"
Jason: "What about me? I'm here for you too Robin..."
Nikolas: "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you do not deserve
Robin's love..." (Nikolas hangs his mouth open)
Jason (rubs his chin): "Huh?"
Nikolas (licks his lips): "Do you think that just because you are a
criminal, you can have anything you want, hmm?"
Jason (sniffs): "And you are a rich little snob. Does that mean you're
entitled to anything you want?"
Nikolas: "What I want is Robin, she's better off with an upstanding boy,
oops, I mean man, like me." (He purses his lips)
Jason (puts his hand on his chest): "Just because you a prince, doesn't mean Robin has to
love you. No one can tell another person who to love or why....By the
way, what the h&ll are you the prince of anyway?"
Nikolas: "I can speak French....Je m'appelle Nikolas. Je suis
formidable!" (holds his mouth open)
Jason: "Big deal. Je parle francais aussi. I don't remember how I
learned or anything, but I can speak the language." (He tilts his had to
the side)
(Both men are frustrated now, and each has his hands on his waist)
Nikolas: "I'm a boy, but I have the intellect and body of a man..." (purses his lips)
Jason: "So? I'm a man, and I have the intellect of a boy....Robin finds
that sexy..." (rubs his chin)
Nikolas: "Well, you have the moral perspicacity of seaweed..." (Licks
his lips)
Jason: "What the h&ll does that mean?" (tilts his head)
Nikolas: "Uh, actually, I don't know. Uncle said it to Bobbie once...But
I know it's bad!" (Purses his lips)
Jason (sniffs): "Listen, we can continue this argument, which I would win, or we
can ask Robin what she wants."
Nikolas: "What makes you think you would win? I am intellectually
superior to you..."
Jason: "I'm packing heat..."
Nikolas (confused): "Heat? Is that another Americanism?"
Robin: "Uh, don't ask..."
Nikolas: "Listen Robin, you need to make a choice....Is it going to be
me, or this criminal?"
(Jason glares at Nikolas, and Nikolas purses his lips)
Jason: "You know I'm the love of your life Robin. Remember the bridge?"
Nikolas: "Remember Cafe Matisse?"
(Robin looks at both guys, confused. The scene ends as Robin is trying
to sort out her feelings)
*****************************
(Scene 8-the setting: the Jaxcave. Jaxman is trying to convince Olivia
Newton-John that he is not the stalker as Brenda arrives)
Jaxman: "You are mistaken Olivia Newton-John! I love you dammit!"
Olivia: "All the evidence points to you...And what's with those
speedos?"
Jaxman: "Do you like them? I got them from a celebrity speedo shop back
home in Australia."
Olivia: "Why do they have a picture of me on the back?"
Jaxman: "Because I love you dammit! You are great!"
(Brenda returns home)
Brenda: "I know you love me Jaxman, I AM pretty great..."
Olivia: "Actually, I think he was talking to me..."
Brenda (jealous): "And WHO are YOU?"
Jaxman: "This is Olivia Newton-John dammit! You know how I feel about
her!"
Brenda: "And what about me, huh? What am I, just some sort of
distraction for you? Is that the way it is?"
Olivia: "This man has been stalking me, sending me letters..."
Jaxman: "I would never stalk you dammit! I am Jaxman! Doer of good and
conqueror of evil. Corporate raider by day, superhero by night..."
Brenda: "I knew I was your second choice! This is about Sonny, isn't
it?" (yells) "ISN'T IT???"
Jaxman: "Brender, please do not get mad. I do not want to get hit by the
tripod again..."
Brenda (angry): "I'm going to get it right now dammit! ARGH!!!"
Olivia (angry): "And I'm going to give you a speedo wedgie that you will
NEVER forget!"
Jaxman: "No! Please don't! I am innocent dammit, I promise! Where is
Row-bin when I need her?"
***Will Olivia Newton-John give Jaxman a wedgie, or will Brenda beat him
once again with the tripod? Who will Robin choose? Is Jaxman really a
crazed stalker? Tune in for the next episode of Jaxman and Robin to find
out!
1997-1999 The Jaxcave
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