(Scene 1-The setting: Kelly's. Jaxman is arriving for dinner. He's meeting Robin there. It's raining out, so he is wearing his special waterproof rubber speedos. They are yellow, and say 'precious' on the front, and 'Brender' on the back in black writing. As he walks toward the door, he sees someone)
Jaxman: "Oh my gosh! Precious Brender! Is that really you? Yay dammit!"
Girl (looks at him, confused): "Um, I'm not Brender...what kind of name is that, anyway?"
Jaxman: "Of course you are my precious Brender! You are alive! This is so O-some dammit!"
(He gives her a big hug and she pushes him off)
Girl: "Listen, I already told you I'm not Brender. My name is Hannah!"
Jaxman: "Hanner? But this is not possible, precious Brender! You have been brainwashed! You are not Hanner, you are Brender! And I love you dammit!"
Hannah: "I'm sorry, but my name is Hann-AH, and I'm new in town. My name is not Brender!"
(Just then, Sonny Corinthos shows up)
Jaxman: "Go away dammit! I am just having a reunion with my precious Brender! I hate you dammit!"
Sonny: "Well, you know, like, the feeling is ... mutual, speedo boy. I don't like you either! But, you know, this ... this is NOT Bren-DA, her name is Hannah, and she's ... my date tonight."
(Sonny smiles and Jaxman begins to get upset)
Jaxman: "You cannot do this dammit! I will not allow you to steal my precious Brender from me again! You will not get away with this dammit!"
Sonny (annoyed): "Get away with what?"
Jaxman: "Brainwashing my precious Brender to bee-leeve she is someone called Hanner. This is unacceptable dammit!"
Hannah: "For the last time, my name is Hannah! Not Brender!"
Jaxman: "Dammit! Corinthos' trick has worked. I will help you remember precious Brender! I will dammit!"
Hannah (getting frustrated): "What trick?" (She turns to Sonny) "Who the hell is this guy anyway?"
Sonny: "Just ignore him, he doesn't, you know, know what he's talking about. Shall we go inside and eat?"
Hannah: "I'd love to."
(Hannah and Sonny go into Kelly's, leaving Jaxman all alone outside in the rain)
Jaxman (yelling): "I will get you for this Corinthos! I will get my precious Brender back dammit!"
(Jaxman sulks, and looks at his speedos affectionately. The scene ends)
*******************************
(Scene 2-the setting: Kelly's. Robin arrives at Kelly's and sees Jaxman standing in the rain)
Robin: "Jaxman? What's wrong?"
Jaxman: "Corinthos has stolen my precious Brender from me again! This is not acceptable dammit!"
Robin (sarcastically): "Um, now Jaxman, remember what the doctor told you? The Brender you see in your head isn't actually Brenda..."
Jaxman: "She is alive dammit! And she is with Corinthos right now! I will show you dammit! Come with me!"
(Robin and Jaxman enter Kelly's, where Sonny and Hannah are eating lunch)
Sonny: "Robin! Hey, how, you know....are ya?"
Robin: "I'm doing okay, but I can't say the same for Jaxman." (Robin motions toward him and Sonny shakes his head)
Sonny: "He's convinced, you know, that my date for this evening is..." (long pause) "Brenda. I keep telling him he's wrong, but..."
Robin: "Yeah, I know."
Sonny: "Robin, I'd like you to meet Hannah Scott. Hannah, this is my little sister Robin."
Robin: "Nice to meet you Hannah."
Hannah: "You too."
(Jaxman has seen enough and comes over)
Jaxman: "Row-bin, do you not see that this is my precious Brender? She has been brain-washed to think that her name is Hanner. What a ridiculous name dammit!"
Hannah: "Ridiculous? It's only ridiculous when you say it. Besides, what kind of a name is Jaxman anyway?"
Sonny (laughing): "She got you..." (Pauses) "Speedo boy."
Jaxman: "This is not funny dammit! I will get you for this, and I will prove that she is really my precious Brender!"
(Jaxman exits angrily, and Robin follows, shaking her head. The scene ends)
***************************************
(Scene 3-the setting: the park. Sonny & Hannah are having a picnic as Jaxman lurks in the bushes. Sonny and Hannah can't hear him clearly from where they are)
Sonny: "I hope, you like...you know, desserts. I brought..." (long pause) "A lot of them."
Hannah: "I love desserts Sonny. You already know me so well."
Jaxman (from in the bushes): "I know her better dammit!"
Sonny (looks around): "What the hell was that?"
Hannah: "I don't know. Should Renaldo be checking it out?"
Sonny: "Nah, you know, Renaldo needs to be close to you, to protect you."
Hannah: "Oh Sonny! I just love it when you talk mafia to me."
Jaxman: "Oh no dammit! He is brain-washing her to love the mob again! I cannot let this happen!"
Hannah (startled): "Did you hear that?"
Sonny: "Yeah, I did. I think it's about time I call the cops to check things out."
Jaxman: "Oh no dammit! Not dee-tective Taggert! That guy hurt me dammit!"
(Jaxman takes off, and the scene ends)
**********************************
(Scene 4-the setting: the PCPD. Sonny and Hannah arrive to file a complaint)
Taggert: "Well, well, if it isn't Rico Suave and his brown haired woman of the week. What can I do for you?"
Sonny (sarcastically): "Nice to see you again too detective. I really love what you've done with your hair this week. New wax?"
Taggert (angry): "It's lieutenant..."
Sonny: "Whatever. As I was saying, DETECTIVE...we're here to file..." (long pause) "a complaint."
Taggert: "What. Not enough brill cream for your hair?"
Sonny: "You know, I really think you're in the wrong field, detective. You should have been a stand-up comedian."
Taggert: "It's lieutenant!!!"
Sonny: "Whatever. Are you going to listen to our complaint, or do I need to ask a REAL cop to help us?"
Taggert: "Fine, what can I do for you?"
Hannah: "Well, I'm being watched..."
Taggert: "You mean by Corinthos, or by his merry band of thieves?"
Hannah: "Very funny. I think I'm being stalked. Can you help me nab this pervert?"
Taggert: "Ok, this is what I'll do. Where does he usually watch you from?"
Hannah: "At Kelly's, usually."
Taggert: "Ok then. You go to Kelly's tomorrow, and I'll be on guard. If I see anything, I'll let you know."
Hannah: "Thanks."
Taggert: "Before you thank me, I have one stipulation."
Hannah: "Okay..."
Taggert: "You have to keep that Brando wannabe as far away from Kelly's as possible." (He motions toward Sonny)
Sonny: "No problemo detective, I can do that. Besides, with the sunny weather we've been having, I'd be liable to blind myself from the glare from your bald head!"
Taggert (angry): "It's lieutenant! Now get out of here!" (He turns to Hannah) "I'll see you tomorrow Miss Scott."
(Sonny and Hannah leave the station, and Taggert puts his hand over his head, feeling how smooth it is. The scene ends)
******************************
(Scene 5-the setting: Kelly's. Taggert is hiding in the bushes nearby and Hannah enters the restaurant. She sits at a table and waits for Tammy)
Tammy: "Hey! What can I get ya?"
Hannah: "Coffee would be fine."
(Tammy notices Hannah seems nervous)
Tammy: "Is everything okay?"
Hannah: "Well, Sonny thinks someone is after me."
Tammy: "Why does he think that?"
Hannah: "Someone has been stalking me."
Tammy: "You mean Jaxman?"
Hannah (surprised): "What?"
Tammy: "You know, that freak who wears those out of this world speedos..."
Hannah: "I know who he is..."
Tammy: "He is always looking at you from outside."
Hannah: "Dammit! Who does he think he is anyway? I am not his precious Brender! Why can't he leave me alone?"
(Just then, Jaxman arrives and stares through the window. He sees that Hannah is upset)
Jaxman: "Oh no dammit! My precious Brender is upset. Maybe I should try to cheer her up dammit! I brought along her Nancy Drew books. They always make her feel better..."
Taggert (jumps out of the bushes): "Freeze!"
Jaxman (startled): "Oh no! You scared me dee-tective. I think I just peed in my speedos, again!"
Taggert (angry): "It's lieutenant!"
Jaxman: "Sorry dammit! I do not wish to make you angry, dee-tective. I still remember the 'gram-itis' incident. You hurt me dammit!"
Taggert (angry): "It's lieutenant dammit! Lieutenant!!! And you are under arrest for stalking Hannah Scott."
Jaxman: "But her name is not Hanner dammit! She is my precious Brender!"
Taggert: "Put your hands behind your head..."
(Jaxman begins shouting, and Hannah turns toward the door. She can hear what he is saying)
Jaxman: "You can't do this to me! I am Jaxman dammit! Doer of good and conqueror of evil! Corporate raider by day, superhero by night! And she is my precious Brender dammit!"
(Taggert begins to drag Jaxman away, as Hannah continues to look on)
Jaxman: "Please help me precious Brender! I love you dammit! Help me dammit! DAMMIT!!!"
(Hannah laughs and shakes her head, as Jaxman and Taggert exit. The scene ends)
**Will Jaxman be thrown in jail for stalking Hannah? Is she really his precious Brender? Will Taggert snap again and give Jaxman another beating? Tune in for the next episode of Jaxman & Robin to find out!
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