(Scene 1-the setting: Stefan and Katherine's engagement party. All the
guests are arriving, including Jaxman and his date, Brenda. Stefan is
greeting guests at the door as they enter Wyndemere)
Stefan: "Hello, and welcome to my splendid dwelling. Would you not
concede that the atmosphere surrounding this evening's festivities is
electric?"
Jason: "I think I would...if I understood what you were talking about."
Stefan: "And you direct a multi-million dollar enterprise, of which you
probably are not able to fathom the repercussions...."
Jason: "Huh?"
Stefan: "Just as I suspected....Take heed Mr. Morgan. You are not an
invited guest for this masquerade ball. I would request that you please
leave the premises, before I have you removed..."
Jason: "Fine. Looks like a pretty lame party to me anyway..."
(Jason exits, as Jaxman and Brenda enter)
Stefan: "Good evening Miss Barrett...Jaxman....What is that garment you
are fashioning this evening? Did you not receive the invitation where it
is distinctly specified that this happening is a masquerade ball? One is
not permitted to materialize at an affair such as this in a...what do
you call that item of clothing you are utilizing this eventide?"
(Brenda and Jaxman look at each other, totally confused by what Stefan
has said. Fortunately for them, Robin has overheard the discussion, and
helps them out)
Robin: "He said it's not appropriate to be here in a speedo Jaxman..."
Brenda: "I tried to tell him that..."
Jaxman: "Wait a minute! This is my Bacchanalia speedo dammit! And I will
wear it with pride."
Stefan: "As you wish Mr. Jaxman. But you will garner some curious
glances. Please. Enter and make yourself comfortable."
(Jaxman and Brenda enter the foyer, and the scene ends)
********************
(Scene 2-the setting: the main ballroom. Jaxman and Brenda enter, and
are met by giggles and stares from the other guests)
Jaxman: "Why are they laughing dammit?"
Brenda: "Uh, I'm not sure Jaxman....maybe we should mingle for a
while..."
(Jaxman and Brenda make the rounds, and the scene shifts to the dance
floor)
Stefan: "It is with a great about of contentment and pride that I
introduce my fiancee to all of you assembled in my most humble
abode....Lash...I mean, Miss Katherine Bell."
Katherine (excited): "Thank you Stefan, I think I actually understood most of what
you said!"
Stefan: "As is customary to the Cassadine family tradition, my fiancee
and myself will dance the waltz, which is a movement that originated a
few hundred years ago, in a country known for its..."
Katherine (interrupting): "Stefan, can we start dancing now? I don't
want to forget the steps, and I'm starting to. My short term memory
isn't what it used to be. Actually, it never was..."
Stefan: "As you wish my love. We will initiate the dance at the precise
moment the music commences."
(The music begins, and Katherine and Stefan dance. Jaxman turns to
Brenda)
Jaxman: "What is this dance?"
Brenda: "Stefan said it was called a waltz...Looks pretty
complicated...."
Jaxman: "And boring dammit! Why are we not doing the Loco-Motion?"
Brenda: "The Loco-Motion?"
Jaxman: "Yes dammit! As sung by the great Australian singer Kylie
Minogue."
Brenda: "Who?"
Jaxman: "Never mind...Let me start the dancing off."
Brenda (embarassed): "Uh, you don't have to do that Jaxman..."
Jaxman: "I do and I will! I have the tape here in my speedo..."
(Jaxman reaches into his speedo and removes the tape. He puts it in the
tape player, presses play, and cranks up the volume. "The Loco-Motion"
fills up the room, as the guests look at each other bewildered. Stefan
is beginning to boil)
Jaxman (singing and dancing): "Everybody's doing a brand new dance
now....come on baby, do the Loco-Motion..."
Bobbie (looks at Jerry and whispers): "Jerry, can't you stop him?"
Jerry: "I'm afraid not. Once he gets the Loco-Motion in his head, there
is no stopping him."
Bobbie: "Well then, I guess Jaxman will have to deal with Stefan...He
looks angry..."
Stefan: "Excuse me. Why do you presume to deface this evening with your
ridiculous gestures? I would ask you to please depart before I am
compelled to escort you out myself."
(Jaxman looks at Stefan, confused)
Robin: "He said to leave Jaxman, or else he'll throw you out!"
Jaxman: "I knew that dammit! I want to leave anyway. Crocodile Dundee II
is on, my favorite movie. Let's go Brender."
Brenda: "Crocodile Dundee? Again?"
Jaxman: "Yes dammit! You know how I feel about Paul Hogan, Australian
movie star. I want to be like him one day."
Brenda: "Fine." (She thinks to herself, "I wish Sonny was here..." as
she turns to Stefan) "Thanks for inviting us. Sorry about the way the
night ended."
Stefan: "It is not of your doing Miss Barrett, although I cannot fathom
why you continue to associate yourself with this simpleton."
(Jaxman and Brenda leave, and the scene ends)
*********************
(Scene 3-the setting: the dance floor. Katherine and Stefan are having a
discussion)
Katherine: "Stefan, I'll be right back."
Stefan: "Where are you required to proceed?"
Katherine (confused, then excited): "Um....Oh, I understand! Uh, I have to go upstairs, to get
your gift."
Stefan: "Your approbation of my request for you to become my wife was
gift enough."
Katherine (excited): "But, I bought you something really neat!"
Stefan (confused): "Neat?"
Katherine: "Yes, and I'd like to go get it for you now..."
Stefan: "As you wish my darling Lash....oops, I mean, Katherine."
(Katherine goes upstairs, and the scene follows her. Katherine enters a
room, unaware that Laura is there too)
Katherine (to herself): "Hmm, now where did I put that gift? I know it's
around here somewhere..."
(Katherine rummages through some drawers in the room, and looks up to
see Laura in front of her)
Katherine: "While I'm in front of this mirror, I might as well check my
make-up....Yes, beautiful as always.....Wait, something's different.
Stefan never had a mirror in this room before! Maybe he bought it for
me!"
Laura (looking confused): "Katherine."
Katherine: "The mirror talks, and it knows my name! Cool!"
Laura: "I'm not a mirror dammit! I'm Laura Spencer. Geez! No wonder Luke
calls you 'the box of hair'."
Katherine (smiling): "He does? I always knew that Luke was fond of my
hair."
Laura: "Oh geez, this is going to be much harder than I
thought....Katherine, nice dress."
Katherine: "Thanks, Stefan got it for me."
Laura: "I know. It used to be mine. And so did that lovely ring you're
wearing, and that dress hanging over there..."
Katherine: "What is your point?"
Laura: "Um, let me say this another way: That dress? Mine. That ring?
Mine. That other dress? Mine. This portrait? Of me. Our hair? The same.
Are you getting it now?"
(Katherine looks at Laura blankly)
Laura (frustrated): "Geez Katherine! Do I have to spell it out? Stefan is trying to
make you into me! Don't you see it?"
Katherine: "No, you are wrong. Stefan loves me..."
Laura: "If you say so....By the way, nice shoes. They were mine too."
(Laura exits the room, just before Stefan enters)
Stefan: "My love, what do you seek?"
Katherine: "Hey, are you trying to make me into Laura?"
Stefan: "Pardon me? Wherever would you obtain such a ridiculous
inkling?"
Katherine: "Um....Ok, I don't know what you just said, so can you just
answer yes or no please?"
Stefan: "Of course not Lash....I mean, Katherine."
Katherine: "Ok, that's what I thought....I'm going out on the parapet
now. I always wanted to see what would happen if I leaned against the
railing..."
(Katherine goes out to the parapet, leans against the railing, and falls
to her death)
Stefan: "Katherine! No! Now I will never have Lasha!"
(A crowd gathers around Katherine's body, as the police are called. The
scene ends)
********************
(Scene 4-the setting: Wyndemere. The police have arrived and are
investigating the fall)
Mac: "It seems as though the railing was loosened. This is murder, not
an accident. Any ideas who would want to hurt you Mr. Cassadine?"
Stefan: "No, except for Spencer. The man maintains a complete lack of
consideration for the inculpable parties caught in the midpoint of our
family history."
Mac (confused): "Uh, ok..." (Turns to Robin) "You should be getting home Robin."
Stefan: "Robin, am I to assume that Jaxman and yourself will accept the
tremendous undertaking of uncovering the identity of Katherine's
assassin?"
Robin: "Of course we will. I should go meet with Jaxman to discuss the
clues in this case."
Mac (to Robin): "How do you understand what he is saying to you? I just
get confused."
Robin: "You mean Stefan?"
Mac: "Yes."
Robin: "I'm friends with Nikolas, remember? Which reminds me, I should
go say goodbye to him."
(Robin goes over to Nikolas, who looks upset)
Robin: "Listen, I have to go....Please, if you need anything or just
want to talk, let me know."
Nikolas: "Thanks. Are you and Jaxman going to take the case?"
Robin: "That's where I'm headed now. I'll see you soon, ok?"
Nikolas: "Ok."
(Robin heads for the Jaxcave, and the scene ends)
***********************
(Scene 5-the setting: the Jaxcave. Jaxman is inside, dancing to the
locomotion. He has changed out of his Bacchanalia speedos and into his
favorite pair, baby blue speedos with a picture of a kangaroo on the
back. There is a knock on the door, and Jaxman turns the music off)
Jaxman (singing): "Who can it be knocking at my door? Go away, don't
come round here no more..."
Robin: "Jaxman, it's me! Robin!"
Jaxman: "Oh hello Row-bin. Come in please!"
Robin: "Still singing your 'Men at Work' songs I see?"
Jaxman: "Yes dammit! They are great! 'Who Can it be Now?' is a classic!"
Robin: "Yeah, whatever....Anyway, I have some bad news...."
Jaxman: "What is it Row-bin?"
Robin: "Katherine is dead, someone killed her."
Jaxman: "That is awful! How did it happen?"
Robin: "Well, she leaned up against the railing on the parapet, and it
gave way. Someone loosened it. Anyway, Stefan has asked us to take the
case. I told him we would..."
Jaxman: "Well of course we will! But I'm glad you were there to accept
for us. I never understand what that man is saying dammit!"
Robin: "Well, we need to look for some clues. I was thinking we should
go back to the scene of the crime, we could probably find something
there."
Jaxman: "No way dammit! It was...."
Robin (sarcastically): "Let me guess....Jason?"
Jaxman: "No, it was..."
Robin: "No? Not Jason? My God! Are you feeling alright Jaxman?"
Jaxman: "Yes, I am dammit! It wasn't Morgan, it was Corinthos, I just
know it!"
Robin (shakes her head): "I should have known..."
Jaxman: "I will go to the penthouse and get Corinthos to confess! Then I
will come and find you, ok Row-bin?"
Robin: "Whatever you want Jaxman, I'm going to go to Wyndemere. Call me
if you find anything."
Jaxman: "I will dammit! Corinthos is the killer, I just know it!"
(Jaxman grabs his coat and rushes out of the Jaxcave. Robin follows and
the scene ends)
**********************
(Scene 6-the setting: Sonny and Jason's penthouse. Jaxman has arrived at
the door where he is met by Renaldo)
Jaxman: "I need to see...."
Renaldo (interrupting): "Wait! Let me guess. You need to see Jason about some petty
crime that has been committed in town. Am I right?"
Jaxman: "No dammit! If you'd let me finish..."
Renaldo: "Not here to see Jason? Wow, that's a first..."
Jaxman: "Listen dammit! I must see Corinthos right now! He killed
Katherine Bell, and I must prove it!"
Renaldo (shakes his head): "You really are too much..."
Jaxman: "What, too much a man for you?"
Renaldo (sarcastically): "Yeah, that's it....By the way, nice baby blue
speedos..."
Jaxman: "Thanks dammit! They are my favorite pair....Now let me in to
see Corinthos!"
Renaldo (smiling): "With pleasure..."
(Renaldo and Jaxman approach the penthouse door, and the scene ends)
*****************
(Scene 7-the setting: Wyndemere. Robin is looking around the grounds for
clues)
Nikolas: "Robin, thank you so much for agreeing to help find the killer.
I'm really going to miss Katherine..." (confidently, trying to impress
Robin) "I made out with her once..."
Robin (disgusted): "Excuse me?"
Nikolas (backtracking a little): "Uh, I mean, I kissed her once, I had a
big crush on her before she started dating my uncle."
Robin: "Oh, whatever....Anyway, do you have any ideas about who wanted
Katherine dead?"
Nikolas: "No, everyone loved Katherine, I did once..." (Robin looks at
Nik with a strange expression) "But I don't anymore..."
Robin: "Um, I'm glad to hear it..."
Nikolas: "Yeah, now I love you."
Robin (smiling): "Well, I can see why..."
(Stefan approaches the two)
Stefan: "Robin, were you able to find any determining indicators in the
matter of the assassination of one Katherine Bell?"
Robin: "No, not yet....How many people had access to your home Mr.
Cassadine?"
Stefan: "In the preceding few weeks?"
Robin: "Yes, or even farther back. This could be something that happened
up to a year ago."
Nikolas (staring at Robin in her little superhero costume): "You look
really nice this evening Robin."
Stefan: "Nikolas, I implore you to not be bothered with the details of
Miss Scorpio's wardrobe at this period of time. The more pressing need
is to uncover the murderer of my love, Lash...I mean, Katherine....As
you were inquiring Miss Scorpio, many people had access to Wyndemere.
Katherine, Alexis, Spencer, my mother the shrew, Barbara, and that young
lad with the embarassing Americanized haircut...what is his name again?
It seems to have escaped me at the moment."
Robin: "You mean Lucas?"
Stefan: "Yes, that young man with the most annoying verbalization."
Nikolas: "Yeah, but he was cool uncle, besides, Robin loves him like a
brother, right?"
Robin: "Yes, I do."
Nikolas (smiling): "Then so do I."
Robin (looks at Nikolas curiously, then turns to Stefan): "OK, do you
think you could get everyone who had access to Wyndemere together here
tonight?"
Stefan: "Consider it arranged..."
Robin: "Great..."(Robin turns to Nik and smiles) "So Nikolas, you really
think I look good this evening?"
(Stefan shakes his head, and the scene ends)
**********************
(Scene 8-the setting: Sonny and Jason's penthouse. Renaldo knocks on the
door)
Sonny (yelling from the inside): "Yeah?"
Renaldo: "Mr. Jaxman is here to see you..."
Sonny (rolling his eyes): "Let him in..."
(Sonny and Brenda are laying on the couch, making out when Jaxman walks
in)
Jaxman: "I need to speak with you Sonny..." (Sonny and Brenda emerge
from the couch, and Jaxman looks at Brenda) "What are you doing here
dammit?"
Brenda: "Sorry Jaxman, I love you and only you. Sonny means nothing to
me...." (thinking) "Wait, I'm missing something here....Oh yeah, I'm sorry I hurt
you."
Jaxman (to Sonny): "Stay away from Brender dammit! You are a killer!"
Sonny (chuckles, almost annoyed): "Ok, so who do you think I killed
now?"
Jaxman: "Katherine Bell."
Brenda: "Katherine's dead? How?"
Jaxman: "She went out on the parapet and someone loosened the railing.
She fell."
Brenda: "Eww! Must have been messy..."
Jaxman: "Great observation Brender! Anyway, Corinthos is responsible,
and I want him to admit to it dammit!"
Sonny: "Ok, you think you're so smart speedo boy, what time did this
happen?"
Jaxman: "10:30."
Sonny: "Well, I have an airtight alibi, you can check it out if you
want..."
Jaxman: "I will dammit! Even though you probably paid someone to lie for
you..."
Sonny: "Well, see for yourself. She's right here..." (Sonny motions
toward Brenda) "We've been making out since 9:00."
Jaxman: "What? This cannot be so!"
Brenda: "I'm sorry Jaxman, I love you and only you. Sonny means nothing
to me. Oh, and I'm sorry I hurt you..."
Jaxman: "I'm sick of you taking advantage of Brender! I will put a stop
to this now!"
(Jaxman takes a wild swing at Sonny, and Sonny ducks. Sonny then grabs
the back of Jaxman's speedos and gives him a wedgie)
Jaxman: "Ow! You can't do this to me dammit! I am Jaxman! And these are
my very favorite speedos!"
Sonny: "Not anymore..." (Sonny laughs)
Jaxman: "Ow, help me Brender, please! Ow!"
(Jaxman continues to yell, and the scene ends)
*******************
(Scene 9-the setting: Wyndemere. Robin and Stefan have assembled all the
suspects, including everyone who was at the Ball)
Robin: "All we're missing is Jaxman. Let me call him."
(Robin takes out her cellphone, and dials. Jaxman is driving in his
Jaxmobile)
Jaxman: "Hello? Brender?"
Robin: "No, it's me."
Jaxman: "Row-bin! What do you want?"
Robin: "You need to come over Wyndemere right away! All the suspects are
here."
Jaxman: "I'm on my way....Good thing I had that extra pair of speedos in
the Jaxmobile..."
Robin: "Huh?"
Jaxman: "Never mind, I'm on my way!"
Robin: "Hurry....Bye." (Robin hangs up the phone)
Nikolas: "Ok uncle, what can we do to pass the time before Jaxman
comes?"
Stefan: "Perhaps we can engage our guests in a fascinating demonstration
of Tai-chi."
Nikolas: "Yeah! Robin will think it's sexy, I know it! She WILL love me
uncle, she must, or I will be destined to never leave this island."
Stefan: "There is not very much for you to occupy yourself with in Port
Charles, is there?"
Nikolas: "No, not really. Let's perform uncle!"
(Jaxman suddenly arrives at Wyndemere, and Nikolas looks disappointed at
losing his chance to impress Robin)
Robin: "Jaxman! Now we can start."
Jaxman: "That's right dammit! I'm here to solve the crime!"
Robin (looks at Jaxman and whispers): "Uh, Jaxman? Are those speedos
polyester?"
Jaxman: "Yes dammit! Corinthos ruined my favorite pair!"
Robin: "You can't say I didn't warn you..."
Lucas (turns to Bobbie): "Why are we here mommy?"
Bobbie: "We're here to try and figure out who killed Katherine."
Lucas: "Maybe it was daddy! He's crazy, right mommy?"
Bobbie: "Maybe, you never know with Tony these days..."
Lucas: "How did the lady die?"
Stefan: "Allow me to explain young man. See, the railing on the parapet
was purposely loosened as a ruse to possibly harm Nikolas or myself."
Lucas: "Huh?"
Stefan: "Geez! Does no one present comprehend my utterances?"
(Everyone stares at Stefan blankly)
Stefan (frustrated): "I surrender."
Jaxman: "Was that an admission?"
Stefan: "No, it was a declaration of my ceasing to converse with you
commoners at any time."
Jaxman (confused): "Uh, ok..." (He turns to Robin) "So, WAS that a confession?"
(Robin shakes her head)
Lucas: "No one answered my question mommy! How did she die?"
Bobbie: "Someone loosened the railing on the parapet, you remember the
parapet?"
Lucas: "Yes I do mommy. Do you Nikolas? Remember when you taught me to
loosen the railing on the parapet?"
Nikolas (pretending not to remember): "Uh, no, I don't..."
Lucas: "Come on Nikolas, remember the game you taught me?"
Stefan: "Of what game to you refer?"
(Lucas looks to Bobbie, and Stefan shakes his head)
Bobbie: "What game do you mean sweetie?"
Lucas: "The game Nikolas taught me. We played it when we still lived
here..."
Robin: "Have you checked the railing since Bobbie moved out Stefan?"
Stefan: "No, I have not."
Robin: "Lucas, how did the game work?"
(Nikolas is embarassed, and is beginning to squirm)
Lucas: "Well, Nikolas said it was the perfect way to make someone go
away forever and not get caught. Loosen the railing and they will fall.
So I loosened it."
Bobbie (surprised): "You did what?"
Lucas: "Nikolas said to, so I did!"
Stefan: "I believe we have discovered the miscreant, although I surmise
that he should not be apprehended for his impulsive actions."
Robin: "What was the game called Lucas? Why would you play it?"
Lucas: "It was Nikolas' favorite game, but he never got the chance to
play it for real. It was called 'Loosen the Parapet Railing and
Accidentally Kill Your Annoying Girlfriend Sarah Webber So You Can Date
Robin Scorpio'."
Robin: "Wow! How flattering Nikolas! I thought only Jason would kill
someone for me." (Robin smiles at Nik and he smiles back. The scene
ends)
***Will Robin now consider Nikolas a potential suitor for her
affections? Will Jaxman eventually run out of speedos? Will anyone in
Port Charles ever understand Stefan? Tune in for the next Jaxman and
Robin episode and find out!***
1997-1999 The Jaxcave
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