A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was rushed to
the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination
said, "We can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for
$5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money,
so take your time and talk it over with your wife." When the doctor came
back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "We've
decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd
rather have a new kitchen."
After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty
bucks at a whorehouse.
He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could
get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go
upstairs, last door on the left.
He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and
pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore
off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.
Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He
runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around
and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the
Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The
brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally
reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other
two girls used their arms."
God created woman, and she had three breasts. He said to the woman, "Is
there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said, "Yes. Could
you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his fingers and it was
done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I
going to do with this useless boob?" Thus, God created man.
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the
unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they
didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist
there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the
painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again.
This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the
gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when
we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two
weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it
was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist
didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a winding
country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way to approach
his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet consummated their vows and the
sexual tension was beginning to be more than he could handle. As they
walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged in the act of
reproduction. The husband leaned over to his new bride and whispered in
her ear; "Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is doing?" "Do
what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not our cow."
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now the attendent was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch! So put the tray up!"
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother
notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father
when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you
had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head
out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking
for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is
killing me."
"The nerve endings, said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two hundred, O Mighty
One," replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said
The Lord. "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals,"
inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four
hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter. "Of course, we did
want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't
we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, O Great Lord," said St.
Peter. "No, wait," said The Lord, "Give her ten thousand, I want her to
scream out my name . . . ."
A Gay man finally decided he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, so he went over to their house and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big
sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay." His mother
made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to
make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was
stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean that men put
their penises into your anus?" "Yes mom they do." "And you put other men's
penises in your mouth?" He says nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do." His
mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, and
whacked him over the head with a frying pan and said, "Don't you dare
complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!"
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee headed by Peter; and, after a whirlwind tour of heaven, he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in - only to find the Pope distraught in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting himself, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the
equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on
himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch
on and ... voila, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time
as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When
the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He
read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every
button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck
harder or less, but still without success. Panicking, he called the
supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a
milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take
it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine
was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting
about 2 liters of milk."
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans,
admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me --
seven times." The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven
lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it." The young woman
asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it
will wipe the smile off your face."
Jeff invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how handsome Jeff's roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of Jeff's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over
the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Jeff and the roommate than met
the eye. Reading his mom's thought's Jeff volunteered "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates." About
a week later, Mike came to Jeff and said, "Ever since your mother came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it," Jeff replied, "but I'll write
her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm
not saying you did take a silver gravy ladle from my house and I'm not
saying you did not take a silver gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days
later, Jeff received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm
not saying that you do sleep with Mike and I'm not saying that you do not
sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he were sleeping in his own
bed, he would have found the silver gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Q:What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?
A:A man
Living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company
and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex, Tarzan meets Jane. Jane
discovered Tarzan deep in the Congo thrusting vigorously into a hole in a
tree. Overcome by the display, Jane makes herself known to Tarzan and
offers herself to him. As she reclines naked in the grass, Tarzan takes a
running leap and kicks her in the crotch. She screames at him, "What the
hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replies, "Always check for squirrels."
Harry and his wife are having rough financial times, so they both decide
that she'll become a hooker until things smooth over a bit. She's not
quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Just stand in front of that bar and
pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you've got a
question, I'll be parked around the corner." Five minutes later a guy
pulls up and says, "How much?" She replies, "A hundred dollars."
Disappointed he says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She thinks for a
second and then says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What
can he get for thirty dollars?" He tells her that she can give him a
handjob. She runs back and tells the guy that all he can get for thirty
bucks is a handjob. He agrees and she gets in the car with him. He unzips
his pants and pulls out this abnormally large cock. She stares at it for a
minute and then says, "I'll be right back!" She runs back around the
corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?
On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green,festering sore growing on his Penis. He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away." Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.They must deal with this all the time.He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop Chop.Amputation not necesally." Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."
Ginny was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a
conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside
hhers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he
responded, then returned to his book. Ginny persisted. "Do you like
gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Ginny asked. "Do you
like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny,
ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand
began to settle, Ginny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment
and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A
few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is
screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring
my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try
to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With
that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're
sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It
feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's
ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your
whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He
feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies,"Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"
