Rat laughter is apparenty so high-pitched, it's inaudible to humans. It can be heard by dogs, but they can't see what's so funny.
How did they tell the rats had Alzeimhers? It's not like you can tell when a rats just wandering off. It might be going somewhere
A bunch of other scientists have found mobile phones cause cancer in mice. Who's calling them? But when will scientists realise EVERYTHING causes cancer in aboraory mice?! Air, water, being looked at, going 'EEK', 'EEK', 'EEK' all the time. Cancer, cancer, cancer.
Television
If they are too ugly to leave the house, how did Oprah find them? Door knock?
Micheal Jackson
Elizabeth Taylor is recovering in hospital after brain surgery. The doctors have successfully removed the piece of her brain that thinks Micheal Jackson is a nice normal person
Micheal Jacksons' baby son Prince has just uttered it's first word . . . help
The fact that the baby was circumcised and Micheal has no eye-lids is completely coincidental.
Scientists
Californian scientists believe that humans have a sex organ up their nose. Suddenly I wish I was Barry Manilow. Of course this does mean the follicles in your nasal passage are actually pubic hairs. But the good news is . . . you can blow your own nose.
Scientists have to believe in something. Otherwise they'd just be torturing rats for fun
Before the last of a endangered species dies, scientists can now replace it with a sheep
Mary had a little lamb,
She sold its blood for science,
and every 15 litres,
she bought a new applianceWorld Leaders
Ding, Dong the Ping is dead, which old Ping? The DengXiao Ping!
Ping or as he is now, Dung
Cigarrettes
If it doesn't produce smoke, it could be a shoe
Princess Diana
A year in which the Asian economy's hit the wall, and so sadly too did Princess Diana
"An anthology of poems written by ordinary men and women about the death of Princess Diana is
about to hit the bookshelves in Britain. Then it'll career across the room at 190kph, hit
another set of shelves, flip over and land upside down in the middle of the shop"
Australian Politics
Almost 2 weeks after polling day the federal election is finally over. In a real sense we’re all winners; the coalition won government and lost a bunch of seats, the Opposition won a bunch of seats and lost Gareth Evans to the siren songs of the back bench. . . and we all lost Pauline’
God sold me smack in a massage Parlour, yes he really does move in mysterious ways
The finding of a missing gospel . . . there's a forward by Buddha,. . . that Judas warning Jesus that if there wasn't a gospel named after him, he was going to regret it. What is also interesting about the lost gospel, is the final verse. Roughly translated it reads, "Suddenly Jesus woke, still in his bed in Nazarerth. It had all been a terrible dream
"Unfortunately, Vatican officials are not prepared to lend the shroud out for more tests. They argue that the DNA tests are sacriligious, because DNA provides proof, and proof tends to ruin all the hard work done by the Catholic church"
There should be only one time in your life when you have to see more of your mother than you want to, and that's the whole birth thing. And that can scar some kiddies for life
"What are these legs coming out of my ears? who is that masked man with the BBQ tongs clamped to my forehead, maybe I should turn around and go back, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
‘We seem to have two choices – take the time to discuss the GST and make sure it really is a good thing for all Austraians or we can rush it through and screw the tourists. Peter Costello says that tourists are the perfect targets for the GST, they don’t vote in Australian Federal elections'
‘A recent road safety summit in Canberra has been told that professional women in their 40’s are the most dangerous drunk drivers on the road. While most women who drink and drive get caught after parties or office outings some will also drink heavily to steady their nerves before a reverse park’
NASA has admitted that frozen liquid found on the moon came from astronauts who had to relieve themselves on a moonwalk. NASA is refusing to reveal the identity of the astronauts. They're also refusing requests for photos of the frozen wee. Apparently the astronauts wrote their names
Petrol can lead to freeways
Pauline Hanson's One Nation Party. . . many people have expresed interst in running with her, or under her, many more would like to run over her.
Pauline Hanson, once the Golden Girl and now the Ginger Spice of Australian Politics
Condom filling urinators of Australia, we salute you
Britain's sun newspaper reckons Carlos leon broke up with the material Girl after he got sick of being paged by a beeper every time she wanted sex.
But in bed, Carlos wasn't up to Madonna's level. He'd often think they were having sex, and he'd still get paged.
Because Madonna's appetitie for sex is so great, the thing was constantly beeping. Carlos now gets a erection every time he hear's a truck backing up
The Southern Fisheries Journal has urged fish lovers to think twice before kissing their catch because most fish will bite if they're given the chance. Apparently many fish expect kissing to lead to sex, and get violent and abusive. For that reason it's especially bad to kiss a groper. Not to mention a blowfish.
"..But you can't blame Qantas, I mean what were the chances of that happening, an aeroplane using the same airspace as a BIRD! A Qanta spokesman denied responsibility and said he believed the bird had been drinking"
An Australian engineer and an Australian entomologist have invented the 'phalloblaster', an automated device for inflating the genitalia of dead insects.
the genitalia are the key to seperating different, but closely related species ans scientists previously had to inflate them by hand. And unless you're very careful, a ot can go wrong.
Now I'd say when you start shooting pure alcohol into dead fly dicks for a living, a lot has aready gone wrong, but that's not the point!
The 'phallobaster' now takes the worry out of dealing wth fragile insect genitalia by automatically injecting the alcohol, using a bast of compressed air.
Before it was invented, there were some nasty incidents when a funnel-web woke up and found a stranger playing with its genitals.
It's funny really. Pump alcohol into the genitalia of a human being and it's straight to the aslyum. Do it tot an insect and they'll probably give you a Nobel Prize.
The bad news is, insects are plating dead to have their genitals inflated, just to impress the lady bugs.
Melbourne's famed Crown Casino opened with fear and loathing this year after a release of doves went horribly wrong. Some birds flew straight into a 15 metre flame show and were killed instantly. Others survived the flames but fell into the Yarra and drowned.
Casino patrons immediately staarted betting in whether the doves would come down red or black."An Australian scientist says prehistoric kangaroos were the size of bears and had razor sharp canine teeth...used for sexual signalling. What's that Skip? Bend over or you'll bite me?"The end of the world
What if the apocalpse is coming?The signs are all there, the stockmarkets have collapsed, people have been poisoned by the food they eat, and the Seekers have reformedMedicine
"An American surgeon has performed the world's first scalp transplant from a human corpse to a live bald patient. Deceased hair, yeah yeah"Adelaide
Adelaide Tap Water- too thick to drink, too thin to ploughEducation
"A five year study by the Australian Council for Educational Research has found a strong link between reading and writing skills, and the ability to find a job! They also found that children who can read and write are far more likely to be literate than those who can't! And the degree of illiteracy in those who can't read and write, can be as high as 100%. Now that the report is finished the Council can go back to their eight year study, into why quadriplegics are under- represented in ballroom dancing competitions"Titanic
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a great big ship,
That tangled with an ice-berg,
And bugger couldn't float.Police
Left a semen sample in a police station fridge for 14 months, by which time it was useless, strangly everyone in that station now takes their coffee blackWIK
"In substance, 7 out of 10 of Howard's points were denied or seriously dented. Which leaves him just enough to do a three point turn, and go back to where he came from...But the Nationals do concede that ten points could be condensed into one - Fuck 'em"Products
Kleenex is fighting this all the way. Noone is wants to call toilet paperNew Zealand
"The new Prime Minister of New Zealand is a woman. Tragically, she is still a New Zealander"Technology
Heavy mobile users are apparently less likely to die from tumors as a higher proportion of them drive into telegrph poles firstThe engineers believe all kinds of pests will eventually be eradicated by machines. There'll be fast, scurrying robots that eat cockroaches, small, flying robots that eat mosquitoes, and arge, doorbell-activated robots that eat Jehovah's witnesses"Now a Belgian inventor has developed a 'smart' fridge...but I don't want a fridge that's smart - I want a fridge that's, sensitive and funny. A fridge that likes to go, out dancing and for long walks along the beach"Sport
For is part, Evander isn't worried about the pain or the disfigurement. He's just hurt Tyson spat the ear out. But that's something Mike learnt in prison. You only swallow if you really respect the guy
Toys
If you go down in the ward today your sure for a big suprise
If you go down to the ward today your in for a quick demise
For every bear that ever there was
Is coughing phegm for certain because
Today's the day the teddy-bears spread their sicknessKosovo
‘The Albanians in Kosovo want self rule but Serbia doesn’t want to give up the province. Serbians say they want to offer autonomy, but Albanians want independence, Serbains say Kosovo will always be under Serbian rule, the Albanians say over our dead bodies. So at least they agree on something’Wanna add something? email me at unfrufru@excite.com
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