Steven Wright

This page is dedicated to my friend Melina

I had a friend who died paying tag. . . actually it was push. . . near the Grand Canyon

whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year

I had amnesia once or twice

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually

Is "tired old cliche" one

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday . Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend... It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body - a tattoo of myself. Only taller.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...

Why do they put Braille on drive through bank machines ?

I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."

If the police arrest a mime, do tell him he has the right to remain silent ?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Wanna add something? email me at unfrufru@excite.com
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