---

THE  JOYS  OF  COMPUTER OWNERSHIP

The following are alledgedly exerpts from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press return key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system would not read word-processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the technician to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say that he could not get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him that he was "bad and an invalid". The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses should not be taken personally.

9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Technical Support could not get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened". The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

10. Another customer called Compaq Technical Support Service to say that her brand new computer would not work. She said that she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "what power switch?".

11. A user called up complaining that the instructions said to load the 4 diskettes into Drive A but he could not possibly get more than 2 in at a time.

12. Caller: "Is this Novell Netwire Technical Support?"
Tech: "Yes it is. How can I help you?"
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?
Tech: "I am sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes. It is attached to the front of my computer".
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it is because I am. Did you receive it as part of a promotion when you bought the computer? How exactly did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?".
Caller: "It came with the computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. As for a trademark, it just has "4X" on it".
At this point the technician had to mute the caller because he could not stand it. He burst out laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
 
 

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.  This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.  I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.  The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.  About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.  John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.  Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned.  We had him cremated and he burned for three days.  Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.  Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.  There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses.  She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up."
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this the KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State.  He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood!."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, but find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.  The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...  Is everyone in this car ok?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Important warnings for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

1.   More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2.   Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3.   In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4.   More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5.   Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6.   Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7.   Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8.   Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9.   Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread
could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10.  Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12.  Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1.   No sale of bread to minors.

2.   A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3.   A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4.   No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5.   The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Fire! Fire!

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof.  Firemen are on the street below, folding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"  The Brunette jumps and SWISH!  The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk splattering like an over-ripe tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.  "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand!  We're OK with Redheads!"  "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH!  The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of  the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump!  You have to jump!" "No  way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!"  yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump!  We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says.  "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."

The Blonde and The Blizzard

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when a little blonde got off work.  She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.  She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.  She finally remembered her father's advice about driving in a snowstorm.  He told her she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.  As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug.  She wasn't having any problem with the poor driving conditions.  After quite some time, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped.  The driver got out, came back to her car, and signaled for her to roll down her window.  The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for quite some time.  She said that she was fine and told him about her father's advice.  The driver said it was fine with him and she could continue following him if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was heading over to K-Mart...