Get your own Free Home Page
[Cut to: Episode One camp. They are getting ready to film scenes for the trailer and everyone is disputing over parts- in both uses of the term.]
Bomba: Dem, girl, are you *sure* that's how your hairpiece is supposed to go? I don't remember it being like that in the storyboard. Don't get me wrong, it looks great like that, it's just...
[She glances nervously at Demeter's coifs, which are some-what uncoifed at the moment. Better description in a moment...]
Bomba: Um... well... I'll put it this way; remember that time the tribe went to Sea World?
[Macavity goes walking past in costume, talking with Lucas.]
Macavity: ...There're just so many different possibilities for Jar-Jar that we haven't begun to explore! Can't you just see this guy as a tall, clumsy, and rather-gangly Tuscan raider?
Lucas: No, I can't. I don't see him as Sebulba, a Hutt, or a member of the Trade Federation either!
[Stalks away, then comes back, handing him an action figure prototype.]
Lucas: And I definitely don't see him as Darth-Darth Binks!
(he leaves)
Macavity: (following) Aw, come on! Let me use the Force, Luc!
Bomba: (off stage) No, Demi, I meant giant sea serpent in a *good* way! Put the lightsaber *down*!
Stagehand: AHHHHH!!!!
[The stagehand comes screaming through, nearly knocking George Lucas over. He's followed by Demeter in her queenly dress and squid-ly hair, who is being followed by Bombalurina, trying to run in an extremely long robe. She, in turn, is being shadowed by the make-up artist. The director finally stands up. A stuntman storms up.]
Stuntman: That's the last straw! I've had it up to here with that damned magic Cat! I mean, knowing all my stunts is one thing, but this-
[He holds up the remains of a torched stunt suit.]
Stuntman: -so that's it! I quit! (walks out)
Alonzo: I'm sorry, Mr. Lucas?
Lucas: WHAT NOW?!?
Alonzo: Eh... would this be a bad time to mention that I can't do stuntwork?
[Lucas beats his head against a model of the pod racer.]
Publicist: Hmm... This would make a very interesting article; "GEORGE WARS!"
Lucas: Where did these crazy cats come from?!
[Cut to: Andrew Lloyd Webber's office. He has scheduled an emergency meeting with the Jellicles and Trevor Nunn.]
Webber: One at a time, please. I only have two ears.
Jenny: I'll put it bluntly; none of these space loons can dance to save their souls! They can't even sing! The only person that seems to have half of a chance is this O. B. One, and no offence to poor 'Zo, but that's who he's cast as! Do you know who's playing Misto?!
Anakin: Hi! I'm Anakin Skywalker! I'm going to be a Jedi one day! Are you an angel? I hear travellers talking about angels all the time!
Admetus: (gagging) Any more sappyness from this guy and I think I'll be sick... Can't he just join the Dark side already?!
Tumble: Hey, where have you been?
Admetus: Um... not long ago? In a country not so far away?
(acts hopeful)
Jellylorum: Anyway, what we're trying to say is casting this little boy as Mistofelees just isn't right, especially since Misto has a whole dance segment to himself. I think we should put Obi-Wan in his place instead.
Webber: (to Nunn) You're the director; what do you think?
Nunn: I think it's fine as long as we confiscate those swords of theirs. (points to head) This was my best hat, you know.
Victoria: So Obi-Wan Kenobi is going to be playing Misto's part?
Nunn: Yes.
Victoria: All of it?
Webber: Yes.
Victoria: (singing) Wan-ny Angel, 'Cause I love him, and I hope someday that he'll love me...
[Cut to: Newspaper headline reading, "OBI-WAN; THE FORCE IS WITH HIM." The Star Wars publicist picks it up to hand to George Lucas- who is sitting in therapy- later.]
Therapist: How long ago did these... dreams begin?
Lucas: It wasn't too long ago.
Therapist: Why don't you explain them to me?
Lucas: They're just so complicated! I'm afraid you wouldn't understand.
Therapist: (bored) Try me.
Lucas: Well, okay. It all started when my great-grandfather told me that the nebula wasn't big enough for both Darth Vader and Darth Maul, so one of them had to go, and then I was surrounded by all of these Jar-Jar sized cats...
[A few hours pass. The therapist is lying on the couch while Lucas sits in the chair.]
Lucas: ...and then I woke up. What really surprised me was that Auntie Em didn't seem to mind that I'd taken to calling Toto Polly-Wollical. So what's my problem?
[The therapist snores, and Lucas looks distraught.]
Lucas: I really wish these fans would stop trying to talk to me in alien languages without my translator!
Publicist: Sir? I think I know what's happened to our casting...
Lucas: Let me guess; there was an airplane switch-up and all of our cast members are somewhere in London! Yeah, right!
Publicist: (nervous) Um... well... actually...
Lucas: (covers his face with his hands) This can't be happening...
[Cut to: the film editing room for Star Wars. Two film editors are watching the Naboo forest scenes with interest. The coffee seems to be spiked, judging from their moods.]
Editor 1: Hold up a sec, I want to see that part again...
[Show film.]
Macavity: Ahh. Ahh. Meesa gonna die. Whoop-de-doodle crap. (sees Munku) Oh, save me. Help help. The evil director has me locked in this tower and my ears aren't long enough. Ack.
Munkustrap: (annoyed) Will you shut up and get out of the way?
Bomba: (running through in full costume) Yee-ha! (decapitates several droids; sees Mac) Well look what the cat's dragged in... or was it thrown up, in your case?
Macavity: (grabs Munku's lightsaber) Have at thee!
[She runs offstage screaming as Macavity goes tearing through the scenery, attacking extras with the lightsaber. Mistofelees saunters in and looks at Munkustrap, who is standing there with a confused expression on his face.]
Mistofelees: Hey, fellow Jedi! Me and 'Zo traded roles, mainly since he's too afraid to go tearing through the galaxy and I'm not. What's up?
Demeter: (offstage) I will not condemn a course of action that will... whoops, I meant condo... Condo a course of action? Mr. Lucas, I think there's a typo!
Macavity: Thy fiendish ways are nought but foolery, Mistress Bombalurina!
Bomba: Thou art the fiend; nay, the fool!
Alonzo: When did we go medieval?
Gus: Shush, trying to listen I am!
Macavity: Dost thou percievest me naive, thieving wench?!
Bomba: Aye, but I do, mayst thy children all be scum such as thyself! En guarde!
Mistofelees: Can I be Zorro?
Demeter: I thinkest not.
Munkustrap: Oh, good, you finally owned up to it.
Demeter: WHAT?! (they yell at each other)
[The editors are rolling in the floor.]
Editor 2: (laughing) I guess if this thing falls through, we've always got *Battlefield Earth* coming up. Ha ha ha! We'll show those CGI guys what real movies are made out of then!
[Chapeau sneaks down the corridor to talk with the author, who is looking on nervously.]
Author: Exactly how much magic mushroom dust did you put in that coffeepot, anyway?
Chapeau: Metric or standard measurement?
[Cut to: the Junkyard. The Jellicles are rehearsing. They've just gotten up to Rum Tum Tugger's song.]
C-3PO: Hello, I'm Rom Tom, Jellicle-Cyborg Relations. Meow.
Cats: The Rom Tom Cyborg is a Technical Cat.
C-3PO: If you offer me adventure, I'd rather go hide. If you-
Webber: Cut! Cut! This isn't working... Where's Costume?
R2-D2: Bee-bloop-bloo-wee!
Webber: What do you mean you're handling it now? You're supposed to be playing Etcetera!
R2-D2: Bloop-bloop.
Webber: Nothing personal, I just don't see you as the head of the costume department, that's all. Now, would you please go show "Rom Tom" over there where his tail's supposed to go?
Victoria: (to Obi-Wan) So, how long have you been a Jedi?
Obi-Wan: That's about the same as my asking you how long you've been a cat.
Victoria: (fake giggles) Oh, you're such a joker!
Obi-Wan: Wha-?
Qui-Gon: This costume itches...
Yoda: Furry we be, but like this you don't.
Jar-Jar: Oh, it took yousa that long to figure it out?
(they start fighting)
Webber: (head in hands) Why didn't I just stick with revivals? Why did I ever want to tour? WHY?
Nunn: Because you love musical theatre?
Webber: Keep mentioning that to me, I'm starting to forget...
Jellylorum: A cup of hot tea, Mr. Director, sir?
Webber: Yes, thanks. (dumps it over his head)
[Cut to: a prop room. There is an extreme amount of Cockney-like giggling and suddenly, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer pop up from behind a star cruiser dressed as Han Solo and Princess Leia.]
Mungojerrie: Ya think we'll, eh, fi' in?
Rumple: Woy not? Oi think we look ou'landish enough alrea'y!
Mungojerrie: 'ere, look a' this mask!
Rumple: I's so shoiny! (tries to put Darth Vader mask on) Oh, i' won' go on over th' bagels on me ears.
Mungojerrie: Neve'th'less... (sticks it in a large cloth sack)
Rumple: Le's go 'elp ou' with th' movie! Come on!
[Cut to: Andrew Lloyd Webber, in a therapy session with the same therapist; hey, in fanfc, anything's possible!]
Webber: ...and he won't stop singing! I keep trying and trying to tell Mr. Maul that he's not supposed to try and kill Macavity... or Munkustrap... or Old Deuteronomy. Speaking of Deuteronomy, you know what that stupid Jar-Jar alien's started calling him?
Therapist: Haven't a clue.
Webber: (chokes) Old Neuteronomy...
[The therapist tries not to laugh.]
Webber: IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!
Therapist: (regains composure) Of course not, of course not... do go on.
Webber: (sighs) It's just become a huge mess. The characters have started changing their names; we now have Binkavity the Mystery Gungan, Qui-Gonstrap, Queen Amimeter, R2-cetera, and the Magical Master Wan-offelees, just to name a few! Even worse, they've decided to redo the songs. It's turning into hell... (looks petrified) only... *furrier*...
Therapist: The road to Hell is paved with bad attention, to change the phrase completely. Perhaps if you let them have their way with the script, it will all become better? Kind of like reverse psychology?
Webber: No, that wouldn't work, it'd be the Webber Furry Picture Show in five seconds flat.
Therapist: Maybe a documentary?
Webber: (skeptical) Yeah, I can see it now; The Star Cats Project. Three cats went into the theatre and never returned. This playbill is all that remains. (Author's note: soon coming to a fanfic near you!)
Therapist: Well, then, Mr. Webber, I'm afraid that there's only one other option to fix the root of the problem.
Webber: (frightened) You don't mean-
Therapist: I'm afraid I do. It's really the only logical explanation. How else could all of this be happening?
Webber: This entire time, I have been-
Therapist: Probably.
Webber: But... but...
Therapist: Calm down, it's not the end of the world. It's just a f-
Webber: Don't say it! Don't say the f-word! Serious stories are bad enough! Please, God, NO! I've been good, honest!
Therapist: But, it's just one, little f-
Webber: NOOOOOO! (runs out door screaming)
[The therapist takes off her wig and goes over to the window. Moving the curtain aside, she opens the window, letting in Chapeau.]
Therapist: I kept telling you how he'd react, but noooo!
Chapeau: Hey, you're the author, not me!
Therapist: Actually, we're the same person, but who cares? At least we've almost finished this f-
[Cut to: Trevor Nunn's office. He's on the phone with Webber.]
Nunn: You mean that these entire four days was all the work of a f... fanf... one of *those* writers?!
Webber: I'm afraid so. We're going to have to call Lucas and break the news to him.
Nunn: Those dirty, rotten authors...
Webber: Say, that gives me an idea... (whispers something into phone; they both laugh)
[Cut to: an open field. The author is awaiting the cast of her new upcoming film spoof, *Sith Side Story*. Unfortunately, when the plane lands, she is greeted by...]
Borg Leader: Resistance is futile.
Author: I know who's behind this! (screams) CHA-
[Cut to: Skywalker Ranch. Webber, Nunn, Lucas, the Episode One Cast, and the Jellicles are having a party.]
Lucas: -peau, I think you may have outdone yourself this time.
Chapeau: No, no... just wait until the next fanfi-
All: DON'T SAY IT!
Deut: By the way, where did you send the author's upcoming Sith star?
Chapeau: Heh heh... well, I had to imporvise a bit.
Shmi: Oh no. And I thought Anakin got into trouble.
[There is nervous laughter.]
[Cut to: somewhere near Paramount Studios...]
Director: Okay, Trekkies, we're getting ready to film the scene where Data battles the Borg leader. Now, if casting will just get here...
[Casting walks in with Dr. Laura in a Borg outfit.]
Dr. Laura: You're all wrong!!!
Director: (looks upward) No...
The End
Rumple: Ya mean tha's i'? O-oh...
Mungojerrie: Don' worry, Rumple, there's olways Episo' Two!
Chapeau: No, that's not for another year or so.
[Relieved looks all around.]
Chapeau: Of course, there's still the original trilogy left to go through.
[There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence.]
All: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Get your own Free Home Page