Screenplay’s title:  “XXXXXXX”

Screenplay’s author: XXXXXXXX  XXX

 

 

A VERY BRIEF SYNOPSIS:

 

TOM is giving evidence in a murder trial against SCOTT. Scott is found not guilty. Tom is convinced Scott is the killer, but the Sheriff informs Tom that Scott is out of the investigation.  Scott skips town. Tom is infuriated and takes up with psychiatrist KELLY, to hunt down Scott and bring him to justice. Meanwhile, Scott finds himself at a university with  designs on JILL, a student giving tutoring.

 

To track down Scott, Tom and Kelly begin their investigation by interviewing Scott’s friend JEFF. He doesn’t give them much; Tom’s aggressive approach doesn’t help them.  They start to distribute photographs of Scott around campus’, but continue to draw blanks. Until Jeff finally decides to talk, leading them to Brown University. Scott moves in on Jill, taking appointments with her psychiatrist CATHERINE THURBER and although Jill’s fiance TODD grows jealous, Scott soon seduces Jill.

 

Todd becomes suspicious of Jill’s relationship with Scott and Jill’s friend TAMARA is worried about her.  Scott begins to show his true colours to Jill when he pulls out a flick-knife when they’re having sex. Scott admits to Catherine that he likes rough sex.  Tamara finds Tom in a bar and takes him to Jill’s apartment hoping to find Scott. But he’s not there. Meanwhile, Todd follows Jill to Scott’s apartment to confirm his suspicions.  He attacks Scott on the street, but ends up being badly beaten by Scott. The body of Catherine Thurber is found in the river. 

 

Through a positive ID by Todd, Tom and Kelly pursue Scott and Jill to a lonely mountain retreat. When Scott realises that Tom is on his tail, he attacks Jill in the basement of the cabin.  Kelly and Tom are separated. Kelly is forced by Scott to get in the car and take a ride with him and Jill away from the cabin.  Kelly puts up a good fight as Scott tries to rape her. Tom pursues them by motorbike. After a struggle, Scott is shot by Jill. 

 

In the aftermath of Scott’s death, Kelly and Tom get together.

 

(DRIVING) PLOT STRUCTURE AND CHARACTER JOURNEYS

(as it stands with the present draft: length 109 pages)

 

 

CHARACTER & PLOT	OPENING	CATALYST	NEW SITUATION	POINT OF NO RETURN	MAJOR SETBACK	CLIMAX	AFTERMATH
Page number:	1	14	28 / 29	59 / 63	86	105	109
DRIVING PLOT	Courtroom	Scott is found not guilty	Tom makes it his mission to find Scott	Jeff gives them a lead	Scott slips through Tom’s figures	Scott is killed after abusing Jill and Kelly	Kelly and Tom get together
( TOM )  HERO’S  PLOT	Gives evidence in trial	Learns investigation won’t continue on Scott	Teams up with Kelly			Fights Scott	Gets together with Kelly
( KELLY ) REFLECTION’S PLOT			Teams up with Tom	Makes breakthrough in investigation		Being kidnapped by Scott	Getting together with Tom
( SCOTT ) NEMESIS’ PLOT	On trial	Skips town	Wants Jill	Sleeps with Jill for the first time	Beats up Todd	Getting even with Tom

 

 

PREFACE:

Let me start by saying that you have begun to spin an interesting yarn here. And you have thrown in some contrasting and interesting characters to tell it through.  You have followed a basic structure, (as I’ve shown in the previous chart), but it seems to me to be quite timid. That is to say, I feel you’re only telling half the story and some of your turning points could be escalated by adding some other elements.   In the chart I have plotted your main story structure, following a common path of plot points.  I have also added the character journeys for each of the key characters: Tom, Kelly and Scott. This is to show more than just the main plot twists. It shows each character’s action at these important points in the story, so you can see at a glance each character’s development and keep tabs on their involvement in the story.  You can see from the chart that there are a few blank spaces; some of them I want to fill in, others I want to change.

In this evaluation I’m going to make some suggestions as to how you could do that to bring what you have already done to life. But firstly, I want to run through your draft so you can see where and why I feel you should make improvements. 

 

FROM THE OPENING TO THE CATALYST:

 

(You open up with TOM CARLSON giving his testimony at the murder trial against SCOTT KELLER. He is a witness for the prosecution, convinced that Scott is the killer.  The defence attorney is cross-examining him at this point and tries to discredit his testimony.  We learn that Tom was leading the investigation but has now left the sheriff’s department and is working as a private investigator)

 

I like the idea of opening the story at this juncture. It is a very brave thing to launch a screenplay with a trial that the reader knows nothing about.  It is usually built up slowly and anticipated; the reader usually knows the crime and the person being accused; it is the emotional climax when the lawyer we’re rooting for is finally going to get his man!  In this case, we know nothing.  We’re thrown into the middle of a heated trial where facts are being thrown back wards and forwards.  I have two points to make here. 

 

The first is about ORIENTATION!

In the first few pages the reader is desperately trying to find their bearings; searching for who they need to root for and why, so we need to give them a character and a situation fast!  In your draft, I had a feeling I was meant to root for Tom, but I wasn’t quite sure.  It needs to be clear. The situation was fairly obvious: a trial and that Tom believes Scott is guilty.  But we have no reason to pay him any mind.   There is no clear indication that his is the point of view we’ll be asked to embrace for the rest of the story.   (It may be because you brought Tom in too early. He is the first we hear from. Maybe we need to hear some background of the crime before he takes the stage). 

I am reminded of the film version of The Fugitive. (The crime is shown effectively through flashbacks in the form of a nightmare for the main character - There we know straight away who we are rooting for and WHY.)  During your opening scenes, we need to begin to FEEL this crime and begin to form an opinion of the man who committed them! Dialogue won’t do it. We need visuals. You mention seeing photographs of the body, but you don’t describe them. What are the reactions of the jury?  (This sort of information about the crime would also act as a foreshadowing for later on.)

 

I wondered whether maybe you wanted us to question Scott’s innocence, but I think you can do that in other ways (which we can look at later) Then Scott is found not guilty.  As I wasn’t sure who I was meant to be rooting for, I didn’t know if this was meant to be a good thing or not.  This is why our connection with Tom needs to be brought forward with great impact. Put us on Tom’s side BEFORE the verdict is read. That way we will be carried along WITH him, feeling his frustration when he hears the verdict and when he meets with the Sheriff.

 

The second point I’d like to make is about CHARACTER: the character of your story as well as the people in it! Remember that the trial here is acting as the set-up for the rest of the story.  The SET-UP does not only describe the situation but the characters and the mood of the story also.

Currently, your draft is driven by dialogue.  There is also a lot of conversation that I think could be cut and revealed visually. (An exercise I find useful, is imagine that your movie has no soundtrack, would people still be able to fathom out what’s going on?)

A courtroom situation has been readily used in the movies and we know them off by heart, how they’re supposed to look, how the characters are supposed to behave . . . but why not break some rules.  Why not use this situation to reveal a little more about the characters, particularly Tom and Scott. We need to know more about them other than what they’re saying. 

 

Take Tom: Is he pressured? Is he sweating? Is he cool? Does he have a courtroom ritual to calm his nerves? How is he responding to the lawyers and the others around him?  (As he is a P.I he’s probably appeared in this court before and has some sort of rapport with the lawyers.)  As I was reading I got the feeling that you wanted to tell us about the crime, but had forgotten who was telling us.  We’ll focus a little more on this later on, but always think about every element of the medium and use WHERE the character is to reveal something about him/her.

 

We’re also setting up the conflict. I remember having some discussions with you regarding Tom before and you mentioned that Tom’s daughter was also raped and murdered. I don’t recall it being explored in this draft. I think it should be!  And I think it should be a HUGE part of it. I wanted there to be a bigger story other than Tom just wanting to get his man! The foundations for this should be laid in these opening scenes. Again, more later.

 

 

FROM CATALYST TO THE NEW SITUATION:

 

(Scott is found not guilty and rapidly skips town. Tom is furious that the Sheriff is going to eliminate Scott from further investigation. Tom teams up with KELLY, a psychiatrist, to track Scott down before he kills again. Meanwhile, Scott has his eye on JILL)

 

There’s a great scene introducing Kelly here. I like the combination of characters; Kelly the sympathetic psychiatrist and Tom the bull in a china shop P.I.

But again, I had the feeling that you had an agenda for the scene and Kelly was just following the script, saying all the right things.  Turn up the heat. There should be a history between these two.  She makes sacrifices to follow him on this case and there should be more to it than she simply wants Scott stopped.  Search deeper into Kelly’s character: what does she like? What type of people interest her or aggravate her?  What makes her angry? What are her idiosyncrasies?  All these things will influence her dialogue and her reactions to things and therefore make her scenes more interesting and revealing.  There are moments in the draft when I felt that Kelly’s reactions to Tom were inconsistent with her character.

 

We also have no clear nemesis yet.  Again, we suspect it’s Scott, but he hasn’t done anything heinous for us to distrust him!  You have him as a very likeable young man, which is deliberate I know, but I think you can exaggerate it!  Intersperse with moments where he’s revealing he’s slightly unhinged! His over-niceness can later be used as a stumbling block for Tom.

 

 

FROM NEW SITUATION TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN:

 

(Tom and Kelly begin their investigation by interviewing Jeff, but to no end. Scott and Jill become closer. Scott has appointments with Catherine. Jill is getting frustrated with her wedding plans. Kelly and Tom distribute Scott’s photo around campus’. Scott and Jill sleep together. Jeff decides to talk.)

 

Although there is some progress made in these pages by Tom, I’m not sure you’re taking us on an exciting enough roller coaster.  We go from one conversation to another moving slowly towards the BIG scene!  Now, you know which one I mean.  The love scene between Jill and Scott on page 62!   This scene is ELECTRIC!  ELECTRIC!!  The pacing is superb, it reads beautifully, flowing from one image to another. It was a solid block of narrative and I was hooked!  There was little or no dialogue. I could tell you enjoyed writing it, as much I enjoyed reading it. It had passion and vitality.

Then, the scene ends and it’s lost. We have the stunted description again. And . . . more unnecessary dialogue.  The pace is lost.  And I got the feeling that your enthusiasm was lost.

What you have to do is discover the passion and purpose you had for that scene and sustain it for the other 114 scenes. 

 

One way we can do that is explore the characters and their purpose and use the scene to pull something out of them.

In the beginning of this Act two, you have a number of scenes like: two people talking in a car, two people talking in a cafe and two people talking at a stadium.  They are just two people exchanging information.  How often do you go somewhere in your day and are completely unaffected by your surroundings?  If you are in a public place you can never have a private conversation, on the other hand, it’s hard to avoid having intimate conversations when you’re alone with someone.  Think about how the setting could heighten the conflict for the characters in the scene.  Each character takes with him/her an agenda. What would complicate that agenda for them?

A good example in your script is the scene between Tamara and Jill in the dress shop.  Tamara wants to ask Jill about her messing around. Jill wants to find a wedding dress.  Jill constantly changes the subject when Tamara pushes her over Scott, by complaining about her weight. This is a good hint that maybe Jill is looking for excuses NOT to buy a dress and is perhaps changing her mind about getting married.  You could exaggerate this further.  I’m reminded of the scene in Sleepless in Seattle, when Meg Ryan rips her wedding dress and wonders if it’s a bad omen!

Each character has hidden fears and hopes that you should consciously explore and then reveal them in little scenes like this.

 

As I’ve mentioned before, I feel Kelly and Tom should have a history. It’s unrealistic to believe Kelly would just join him on this crusade and then know so much about him!  She is very bold in her diagnosis of him in these scenes which shows character, but it’s not very deep.  She’s just exercising her skills as a psychiatrist.  She also shows a lot of frustration and anger towards him which, to me, indicates there is more to her than this. Tell the whole story.

 

Looking at the plot pointing chart, the POINT OF NO RETURN is fairly weak for Tom.  Scott’s is strong: he sleeps with Jill. But this needs to be thought about in relation to Tom’s overall goal. This is the midpoint in the whole story and I feel that the only person excited about it is Scott1

 

 

FROM THE POINT OF NO RETURN TO THE MAJOR SETBACK:

 

(Jill is pushing Todd away. Tamara steps in and contacts Tom. Scott pulls out a knife on Jill during sex. Scott sees more of Catherine. Scott attacks Todd. Catherine’s body is found)

These pages should feel like the hero is fighting an uphill battle. His obstacles should be growing in size and the goal far from his reach. However, in your draft, Tom and Kelly are growing closer to Scott and Scott is feeling all the setbacks.  This needs to be turned around quite dramatically.

 

 

FROM THE MAJOR SETBACK TO THE CLIMAX:

 

(Tom and Kelly follow Jill and Scott to a mountain cabin. Scott kidnaps Kelly. In a struggle Jill shoots Scott)

 

You do a good job in building this up slowly. I loved the scenes with Jill and Scott at the cabin: even when he is close to capture the first thing on Scott’s mind is overpowering Jill in sex.

I do feel that Kelly steps out of her character here in the climax. And the purpose of her character as a psychiatrist is wasted.  I also think your ending is a little cliched. It needs beefing up and we can do that by using the characters more.

 

 

IN THE AFTERMATH:

 

(Jill and Kelly are in hospital. Tom writes Kelly a note. Kelly follows Tom  and they get together)

 

These final scenes tell us what our hero will be like tomorrow and hopefully for the rest of his life, a changed man as a result of what he has just experienced. 

At the beginning of the story you presented us with a main character who could only express himself through anger and swearing. Here you have him writing a sensitive note to Kelly and wins her heart.  There isn’t much accomplished except for the main goal: stopping Scott. Then love rears its head. We had a glimmer of it earlier, but now it’s no holding back. I think it should play a much bigger role for Kelly. And this thing with the taxi at the end . . . I think we can use it much more effectively!

 

 

SECTION TWO:  SUGGESTED IMPROVEMENTS.

 

Take a moment to look over the chart entitled CREATING CHARACTERS AND MOOD THAT TELL THE WHOLE STORY. This simple chart lists the three main characters and assigns them a goal, a deepest regret, some flaws and a way they like to relax. It explores why they want to achieve the goal.

Before these boxes are filled in, you need to answer the question: what is my story REALLY about?  What interests you and intrigues you about the characters you’ve created? What links them?  Believe it or not, there is a link. Whether it was unconscious or not, it’s there. I’ve summed it up as the “Suppression of feelings”.  While I was reading your story, I got the feeling it was simmering, that there was another half to this story. Each character was going about their business, hiding what they were really about.

 

 

 

CREATING CHARACTERS AND MOOD THAT TELL THE WHOLE STORY

(Suggestions for creating theme and deepening character)

 

 

CHARACTER	OUTWARD GOAL	WHY?	CONFLICT	DEEPEST REGRET	FLAWS	WAY TO RELAX
( TOM ) HERO	To hunt down Scott	Scott killed his daughter	No-one believes Scott is the killer	Not showing daughter his love	Constant swearing / loner	Video games
( SCOTT ) NEMESIS	To escape Tom	Fear of being caught	Cannot control his anger	Allowing his sister to abuse him	Enjoys violent sex	Painting
( KELLY ) REFLECTION	To hunt down Scott	To win back Tom’s heart	Tom dislikes therapists	Not asking Tom why he left her	Overly expressive and analytical	Dances

 

LINKING IMAGERY:  Enclosed and confined spaces, suppressive heat,

Suffocation, being pushed down or crushed . . .

 

 

 

 

Let’s start with Tom, our hero.

His outward goal is to hunt down Scott.  Why?  Because he wants to prevent another murder?  No, more than that. He wants to prevent another father going through what he’s going through: losing his daughter to this psycho! But there’s even more to it than that.  Forget the stereotypical crazed father after revenge. Tom is different. Tom abandoned his ex-wife and daughter 15 years ago. He’s not one for cards and presents. He’s not so good at conversation either. Over the years he lost touch with his daughter. He hardly knew her. If he passed her on the street he wouldn’t have known it. And now she’s dead. Raped and murdered by a punk who just slipped through the justice system.  It was a devastating moment when he realised the next victim in the case he was investigating was his daughter. He was taken off the case; something to do with being too “emotional close.”  What the hell do they know!!

 

See how the character comes to life?  Even I got a little carried away there.  But can’t you just FEEL the tension rising?  This would be an effective opening scene. The usual images of a body being pulled out of the water, could be graphic, actually SHOWING the brutality of this crime; the huddle of cops and medics doing their routine, sealing off the area etc. Tom is at the scene, he looks over the body. He looks at her face. Nothing. Just another body. One of the cops finds an I.D. looks at it and says, “Jessica Carlson.”  Tom does a double take at the body. The cop continues, “Isn’t that your daughter?”

 

Tom suppressed his feelings for so long, he doesn’t know anything else. He’s become an angry man, full of regret and totally incapable of expressing himself. He swears constantly and loses his rag at any given thing. He can never relax. A dumb shrink told him he had to find a way to relax or he’ll have a nervous breakdown, so he took up playing video games. Now he spends whatever hours he’s not investigating in a dark basement playing speed rally, building up more frustration!

His deepest regret is not telling his daughter that he loved her. He never did anything for her. But he’s going to find her killer, Goddamn it!  It sounds fairly straight forward, but the guy he’s convinced did it, is walking away Scott free! (If you excuse the pun) The investigation on him has closed and he’s skipped town.  This isn’t his only obstacle, however. No-one believes Scott is guilty, even the other cops on the case, but Tom is sure and he’s going to be there when Scott slips up.

 

How about Scott?  Remember he’s the opposite to Tom.  Tom has anger and although it surfaces now and again in certain flaws, he controls it. Scott, on the other hand, has anger that he CANNOT control, but he must show signs of humanity for us to somehow connect with him.

Scott’s goal is to escape Tom.  He knows he’s guilty and he knows Tom is going to be after him, that’s why he skips town.  His main fear is that he’ll eventually be caught, so he does all he can to cover his tracks and protect himself.  The fact that he cannot control his anger is his big downfall. But why is he angry?  And why does he attack women in this way?  Again, let’s leave the old stereotypes at home. What if he was constantly abused by an older sister when he was growing up?  This sister was a mean bitch, but mommies little angel. She used to use her brother to practise on, but there would be hell to pay if mommy found out. She would rule by fear. Her and her sexually frustrated friends would rape him one after the other at knife point.  Now, he knows nothing of tenderness. His association with sexual excitement is connected with fear and violence.  And he can’t control himself. His anger takes over and it drives him to murder. His deepest regret is allowing his sister to do it. Why didn’t he fight back?  Why did he allow himself to be controlled?  It made him feel weak, but killing makes him feel powerful.

It is only through his paintings that he really expresses himself. But they are not expressions of his true free self, but of what he is suppressing; his hatred for his sister and his desire for revenge.

 

We can enjoy a little light relief with Kelly, Tom’s reflection.

She’s with Tom in trying to find Scott, but in the hope that she’ll win back Tom’s heart.  She knew Tom after his divorce. He was a broken man then. And is now more so.  She saw on the news that Tom was being given a hard time in the trial. She was sorry to hear his daughter was one of the victims.  But when he stormed into her office that day, she didn’t know whether to hug him or send him packing.  He never explained why he wanted out of their relationship. She never asked him. That was the biggest mistake of her life, because now it is all she wonders about. She’s never let it happen again. She always likes to know where she stands and makes sure the people around her know where they stand. She’s an expressive junky! Enjoys taking Latin dance classes. Now Tom needs her. But he still insists he can’t stand therapists.

 

We have some interesting cross-overs here which will make for more interesting scenes.  One of Tom and Kelly’s scenes could take place in a  video arcade; Tom playing on a game while giving facts to Kelly and it not being very easy for her concentrate. Another could take place at one of Kelly’s Latin dance classes. These dances are very expressive. Throwing Tom in the middle of that would be something quite interesting1

 

At the bottom of the chart I have listed some things under the heading LINKING IMAGERY.  Now we have established a theme to the characters, (suppression), we need to translate that into images to send the same message to an audience or reader; therefore creating the MOOD.  Using enclosed and confined spaces for a few of the locations, set it in the height of summer with suppressive heat, the girls could be killed by suffocation or drowning, anything that gives off the feeling of being pushed down or crushed.

Then, the climax should be a feeling of releasing that suppression!

 

Let’s take a closer look at how we would plot these ideas into your story. 

 

Follow the points on the second chart entitled DRIVING PLOT POINTS AND CHARACTER JOURNEYS (#2). For the sake of argument I have assumed the script would be 100 pages in length.

 

 

 

(DRIVING) PLOT STRUCTURE AND CHARACTER JOURNEYS #2

(suggestions for the next draft: for a 100 page script)

 

 

CHARACTER & PLOT	OPENING	CATALYST	NEW SITUATION	POINT OF NO RETURN	MAJOR SETBACK	CLIMAX	AFTERMATH
Page number:	1+	10+	25	50	75+	99	100
DRIVING PLOT	Body found in the river	Scott found not guilty	Tom makes it his mission to convict the man who murdered his daughter	Uncover a major lead in finding Scott	Sheriff tells Tom they’ve found his daughter’s killer (not Scott)	Scott and Tom confrontation	Kelly and Tom find love
( TOM ) HERO’S  PLOT	Daughter has been murdered	Sheriff tells him Scott is out of their investigations	Teams up with Kelly (a Psychiatrist!)	Becomes more convinced Scott killed his daughter	Scott reports him for harassment	Scott admits killing his daughter	Overcomes love block
( KELLY ) REFLECTION’S PLOT		Sees Tom on TV	Teams up with Tom (the man she loves)	Tom shows her some affection	Tom admits he hates psychiatrists	Confrontation with Scott	Tells Tom how she feels
(SCOTT ) NEMESIS’ PLOT	Arrested for murder	Skips town	Wants Jill	Sleeps with Jill	Killing Catherine	Confrontation with Tom	Put in an institution

 

 

 

 

THE OPENING would be the discovery of another victim in the river. The investigator, TOM doesn’t recognise the body to be that of his daughter.

 

He is taken off the case, but pushes for SCOTT to be arrested. He isn’t. Another murder takes place. This time Scott is arrested. (And these scenes need only be short, the information revealed to us through a TV update as Tom watches). In the meantime, maybe he visits his ex-wife, who he hasn’t seen in over 10 years. She shows him a recent photograph of his daughter, he compares it to a photograph he has in his wallet of a five year old kid. (This would tell us why he didn’t recognise her)

 

Tom gives evidence in the trial. He is cool, (Removed from his emotional attachment), but he is adamant that Scott is the killer.

 

THE CATALYST (page 10) Scott is found not guilty. Because of Tom’s involvement in the case, he is given high profile in the news coverage. KELLY sees it (bringing her in earlier). Tom speaks to the Sheriff who tells him Scott will no longer be in their investigation. Tom is furious.  The Sheriff warns him to stay out of it and let them handle it.  Tom decides to confront Scott, but discovers he’s skipped town.

 

Tom visits his daughter’s grave.  Again he’s cool, showing little emotion. He doesn’t pour his heart out, but in his own way, probably throwing in a few swear words, he promises to get the son-of-a-bitch!

 

But he’s at a loss. He needs help on this. He finds it in Kelly. One of Tom’s stumbling blocks is that no-one shares his belief that Scott is the killer. Or at least no-one will admit they do.  This needs to be exploited a bit and used in greater force later on.  But foreshadow it in these pages as he talks to Kelly.  It’s just a gut feeling; the trial proved that there was no actual evidence to pin on him. This is why he needs Kelly, he realises that he needs to understand this kid in order to nab him.

 

THE NEW SITUATION (page 25): Kelly agrees to help him, but only as he concedes that she’s in control. Meanwhile Scott is at some university leering at Jill. At this early stage, he seems quite normal, but there is something eerie about him that we cannot put our finger on.

 

Leading up to the midpoint, you don’t need to over discuss the case because we’ve seen for ourselves one of the victims and certainly don’t reveal Scott’s abuse because that is only known by Scott.  I think you need to move the investigation along much quicker than you have done. Tom is an experienced investigator and should know all the loopholes.

Also, now is a good time to explore Tom’s relationship with Kelly.  Understanding Kelly is important.  I think they can clash on the swearing thing.  Kelly is an expert in expressing herself and encouraging others to do the same. It is a known fact that people swear because they can’t find any other words to define how they feel.  This should be a big thing for Kelly to pick up on in Tom and goes along with the “suppression of feelings” theme.   Remember also, that Kelly is hurt by their relationship breaking up and her prime goal is to find out how he feels.  But he must, at this point, be fighting it.

 

THE POINT OF NO RETURN (page 50) This should be a turning point that makes the characters more determined to accomplish their goal.  It is the big one in terms of establishing what they really want.  Scott’s is clear; he seduces Jill.  But Tom’s turning point needs to be clear too.  Play on his doubt here. Something must happen that convinces him even more that Scott killed his daughter. Maybe Jeff mentions something off hand that triggers something in Tom’s mind; maybe something that he notices in his daughter’s bedroom at the beginning.  This must be a big momeht for Tom.  And for Kelly too. Because of Tom’s revelation maybe he shows her a nanosecond of affection. But she’s clinging to it.

 

The lead up to the next big plot point must be a major setback for the hero.  Just when everything seems to be going well, it all falls apart.  What could this be?  What big thing does Tom have going for him?  The fact that he’s on the right trail in finding the killer?  What if he wasn’t?  Remember the sheriff is still conducting an investigation. What if he tells Tom that they’ve arrested another guy?  The evidence looks good.  What if that guy is Jeff? 

What else?  Tom still has some weight in being a P.I, but what if Scott reports him for harassment?  Especially as another suspect has been arrested. You need to build up a real sense of frustration in these pages. I don’t think the conflict should be in Tom FINDING Scott, it should be that he can’t pin the murders on him!  Have Scott right under Tom’s nose, but he can’t do anything.  What’s worse is that everyone thinks he’s nice guy.

The table turns on Kelly too. Just as she feels she’s making progress in growing closer to Tom, he confesses to hate psychiatrists!

 

Quite soon after this, you need to use Scott’s weakness against him.  He’s feeling quite smug, he’s successfully framed his friend, planting evidence in his basement and Tom has been given an official warning to steer clear of him.  He’d be home and dry if it wasn’t for his need to kill.  He grows too close to Catherine. In this scene we need to feel Scott on the verge of losing control.

 

And we’re into the final stretch . . .

 

Catherine’s body is found.  Tom is free to pursue Scott once again. He knew he was right about him!! 

Scott disappears with Jill to her mountain retreat.  Tom and Kelly follow them.

 

CLIMAX (page 99ish) Remember the theme is suppression and we’re reaching the climax of it here.  Everything leading up to these scenes must make us feel stifled and even claustrophobic.  I feel that three things must happen here.

1)      That Scott must confess to Tom that he killed his daughter. This is closure for Tom. However, it must be revealed as gloating and taunting rather than a confessional.

2)    That there must be a feeling of releasing the cork on the champagne bottle.  Maybe the struggle between Scott and the girls takes place at the lake. You could heighten the tension by throwing in the ticking clock: perhaps Scott ties weights to the girls and throws them in the lake. This way we’re also urging Tom to rescue them before they die.  And there is that huge gasp for air when they finally are rescued.  The release; the escape from suppression.

3)     This is also a climax for Scott.  I think this should be big.  This is the first time he’s had two girls under his control and this triggers something in him. He is reminded of his sister’s abuse with her friends.  This tips him over the edge and he begins shouting at Kelly and Jill as if they were his sister.  Kelly picks up on this and uses it to release his suppression of anger.

 

I’m not sure that Scott should be killed at the end.  By making him a victim of abuse, it makes him human rather than an animal.  Rather, he is maimed by a cop appearing at the scene as he tries to drown Tom.

 

IN THE AFTERMATH (page 100):  Scott is being held in a psychiatric unit. He’s released his anger, but he has a long way to go before he is declared fit to re-enter society.

As for our hero, you need to show that Tom has learnt something.  What was his biggest block?  Expressing himself. This is where all the foreshadowing will pay off. Maybe him and Kelly had a discussion in the first act about his dating habits. Including something like: Kelly: what if you see a girl that you like? Do you just swear at her?  Tom: No, I’d go up to her and ask her if she fancies some dinner. If she says no, then I may swear at her.  To liven up the discussions about how the victims are killed, the conversation could turn to their own sexual habits. Kelly finds sex liberating and freeing. “For example, weren’t you ever just riding in a cab or something and glance at your wife and wanna take her there and then?”  Tom finds this idea quite absurd.

In the final scenes, Tom could send Kelly a note simply saying “Dinner?”  She meets him outside the hospital and . . .  he tries to flag down a  cab!

 

FADE OUT

 

 

A FEW LAST THOUGHTS IN CONCLUSION:

 

Overall you have put together the foundations for a good story, you just need to take your ideas up a couple of levels of exaggeration.  Think about each main character’s overall goal and take each turning point to the extreme.  Give them everything, then take it away from them . .  then, give it back. 

Get to know your characters. It may sound silly, but spend time with them. Using the character charts, try writing a small essay in the voice of each character answering key questions about their personality and experiences. This will bring the characters to life for you even more and help create scenes that use them and allow them to bloom.  Your dialogue will become directional and have more subtext and help cut those scenes that add little to the story.

 

This will help increase the pace of the story too.  Some of your scenes seem long because of the chatter. Remember the scene writing rule: come in late and exit early!  And write the WHOLE story, not just the dialogue.  Set scenes which interact with the characters; give your actors something to do while they’re saying their lines and have that action mean something.  Don’t get me wrong, some of your dialogue is excellent!  You just need to cut it down.  

If you include these elements in your individual scenes, it will give you more to write about, more enthusiasm to write it and when you enjoy writing it, we’ll enjoy reading it.  Guaranteed!

 

You may also want to be watchful of your accuracy in each scene. There were a couple of places in your draft when a character spoke who wasn’t even in the scene!  It’s simple errors like that that pull a reader out of your story.  Read over what you’ve written very carefully to avoid mistakes.

 

 

If you like the idea of exploring the theme of suppression to link together your story, then do some background reading on this subject.  I’d encourage you to study the psychology of your characters anyway.  Everyone suppresses something, it’s a part of our human make-up. We’re too afraid of what would happen if we were to release it. Whether it be hiding our true feelings from a friend or trying to avoid our anger toward a parent, they can be damaging to us and they CAN be damaging to a society, (as in your story.)  It is up to you how far you want to take it, but there are advantages in recognising and using this tool in your stories. Namely, it makes a connection with your reader/audience. And if you connect with your audience, if you SAY something to them, move them and create a story that stays with them long after they’ve put down your script, then you’ve got a winner!

More often than not, screenwriters leave these elements to directors and producers . . . what an impact on the director your story would have if you’ve already done some groundwork for him!

 

 

 

I trust that this report will help you in your next draft.  Please don’t hesitate to e-mail me if you wish to discuss anything further. I wish you every success in your career!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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