he 1956 version of Around the World in Eighty Days focused on the charm and wit of Phineas Fogg (played by David Niven), balanced by the goodnatured Passepartout (played by Cantinflas), with cameos by such film greats as Charles Boyer, Joe E. Brown, John Carradine, Charles Coburn, Ronald Colman, Reginald Denny, Andy Devine, Marlene Dietrich, John Gielgud, Hermione Gingold, Trevor Howard, Buster Keaton, Beatrice Lilly, Peter Lorre, Shirley MacLaine, Victor McLaglen, Robert Morley, Robert Newton, Jack Oakie, George Raft, Gilbert Roland, César Romero, Frank Sinatra, Red Skelton, and even Noel Coward, José Greco, and Edward R. Murrow. The retake in 2004, directed by Frank Coraci, features a bumbling Phineas Fogg (played by Steve Coogan), a goodnatured Lau Xing aka Passepartout (played by quintagenarian Jackie Chan), and a wily Monique (played by Cécile de France), perhaps to avoid the implication that the two men are sharing the same bed. What once was a celebration of English ingenuity has now become an implausible slapstick martial arts farce. What once was an opportunity to enjoy cinematography in Afghanistan, England, France, Hongkong, Iraq, Japan, London, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Spain, and Thailand has now become a series of Hollywood sets with unremarkable scenes in Germany and Thailand (the latter filling in for China). The current story, which also takes place in 1872, involves a challenge from Lord Kelvin (played by Jim Broadbent) to give up his position as Minister of Science if Fogg will prove that he can accomplish what he has claimed in an offhand comment is possible--a trip around the world in eighty days. At the same time, Passepartout has just retrieved from the Bank of English a Buddha stolen from his home village by the evil General Fang (played by Karen Mok), who has enlisted the services of the British imperialists to take over that village, though they are nowhere to be seen when the travelers reach China. Spotted as the Buddha's thief by the London police, Passepartout quickly offers his services as Fogg's valet on the eighty-day trip to get out of town. Thereafter, Scotland Yard's Inspector Fix (played by Ewen Bremmer), at the behest of Kelvin, and General Fang try to stop the trio on their journey. Unsatisfying martial arts fighting take place in Paris and China. A faggy Prince Hapi of Turkey (played by Arnold Schwartzenegger) tries to seize Monique as his seventh wife. Fogg allows a San Francisco prostitute to steal his money. The trio runs into the Wright brothers (played by Luke and Owen Wilson). And Queen Victoria (played by Kathy Bates) even puts in an appearance in a manner similar to that of Queen Elizabeth in Shakespeare in Love (1998). But instead of enjoyable wit, the situations are more ludicrous than the spoken words, and Jules Verne is fortunately not around to see his 1872 novel Le Tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours so badly butchered.  MH

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Le Tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours
by Jules Verne