Based
on the novel by the prolific Donald E. Westlake, What’s
the Worst That Can Happen? is a wild comedy directed
by Sam Weisman. A pugnacious Boston millionaire, Max Fairbanks
(played by Danny DeVito), is having cashflow problems. He
decides, on sound financial advice, to sell off some of his
holdings. Although cautioned that the action will give the
appearance of a crumbling empire or a row of falling dominoes,
Max replies, "What’s the worst that can happen?" One asset
that he must sell is his Marblehead estate along the coastline
north of Boston, and a court orders him not to enter the house.
Two professional thieves, sophisticated Kevin Caffrey (played
by Martin Lawrence) and streetwise Berger (played by John
Leguizamo), read about the prospective sale of the estate
and conclude that easy pickings are to be found there. Meanwhile,
Kevin has recently befriended Amber Belhaven (played by Carmen
Ejogo), an out-of-work anthropologist who gave him her special
ring when he returned a painting of hers that she had to auction
to raise money by stealing the painting from the buyer. When
the thieving duo arrive at the house to bag as much loot as
possible, Max is having sex with a voluptuous sexpot, Miss
September (played by Sascha Knopf), who is a nude magazine
centerfold. Hearing something stirring, Max gets out of bed,
grabs his gun, surprises the thieves, and calls the cops.
When the police arrive, Max insists that Kevin’s ring is his,
so the police (rather than confiscating the ring as evidence,
the usual procedure) remove the ring from Kevin, and give
it to Max, who puts it on. After the duo escape from police
custody, Kevin admits to Amber that he lost the ring, which
is in the possession of the man from whom they were trying
to steal. Amber is disappointed, so Kevin decides that he
will retrieve the ring by any means necessary. Although Kevin
tries to ask for the ring nicely, Max is determined to hold
onto the ring lest he give the impression that he is losing
his marbles (or empire). Thereafter, Kevin concocts schemes
to rob or embarrass Max that escalate to such an extent that
Max, while answering a cellphonecall from Kevin during a Congressional
hearing, unleashes a volley of profanity aimed at Kevin but
heard by members of a senatorial committee and captured on
live television news. But Max still holds onto the ring. Max’s
wife Lutetia (played by Nora Dunn) and his business advisers
urge Max to give back the ring in order to cut his losses,
just as Amber disavows interest in the ring to stop the madness,
but both men are egomaniacs and eagerly want to play the next
chessmoves. Finally, a scheme is hatched to hijack the auction
of the property of the estate. After kidnapping those in charge
of the auction, Berger assumes the role of a German-accented
auctioneer while confederates outbid everyone and Amber gives
a massage to Max, complete with oil that so lubricates his
finger that the ring is retrieved. Totally vanquished, Max
hires Kevin to get back the ill will lost at the Senate hearing,
where his extensive holdings of news media were being investigated.
Kevin and his friends dig up all the sexual indiscretions
of members of the committee, who roll over. Then Max and Kevin
emerge the best of friends. My synopsis, however, fails to
convey the constant burlesque-type comedy lines and body movements
throughout. Foppish burglary detective Alex Tardio (played
by William Fichtner), suspicious that the reported theft is
insurance fraud, plays the role of a male male impersonator,
clearly modeled on the late Charles Pierce, an exuberant,
pastel-outfitted queen so stereotypic that even homophobic
patrons will laugh at themselves for ever imagining that gays
could be like that. Audiences will walk away imaging that
business execs are really upscale confidence men, and that
politicians should be bribed or cajoled but never defied.
"It takes a thief to nail a crook," says the tagline of the
film. MH
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