---

Stone Cold the school teacher...
(Austin is writing something on the board. As he finishes, the writing comes into view...2 jackasses + 316 = ???)
SCSA: Okay, who knows the answer?
KID: (raising his hand) I do sir.
SCSA: Go ahead son, what's 2 jackasses + 316 equal?
KID: It equals three hundred and eighte--
SCSA: (interrupting) What?
KID: I said it-
SCSA: You will call me sir, understood? What?
KID: But I just-
SCSA: But you just what? You will call me sir, what?
KID: I didn't mean any disrespect, I just-
SCSA: You didn't what? Just what? What? What's the answer son? What? Call me sir you little bastard. What? Don't make me whip your ass! What? You're scared aren't you son? What? (pause) What?
KID: Sir, it's 318 sir.
SCSA: Why you repeating yourself son? What? You think Stone Cold is stupid? What? You think I can't understand you? What? My hearing is fine jackass. What?
KID: The answer to the question is 318, sir.
SCSA: What? You think the answer is 318? What? Don't you know anything? What? Are you stupid? What? You know nothing! What? You're pathetic! What? I said you're pathetic! You suck! What?
KID: But I just-
SCSA: You what? Shut your damn mouth! What? Don't piss me off son! What? The answer to that question is simple. What? I said the answer to that question is simple! What? Two jackasses plus 316 equals two cans of whoopass and two stone cold stunners son! What? I said two cans of whoopass! What? You gonna cry? What? Look at me! What? You're pathetic! What?
(Slaps the kid across the face. The kid runs out of the room crying.)

(Stone Cold works at the local Wal-Mart as a door greater..)
SCSA: Hello and welcome to Wal-Mart! What? I said welcome to Wal-Mart! Is that a return? What? I said do you have something you're returning there son? What?
GUY: Yeah.
SCSA: What? You've got a return there huh? What? Well let me mark that with this little pink sticker then. What? I said let me mark this with a little pink sticker. What?
GUY: Thanks.
(Guy walks off.)
SCSA: How're you doing today ma'am? What? I said how are you doing today ma'am? What?
WOMAN: Fine thanks.
SCSA: What? You said fine? What? Well at Wal-Mart you can't be fine! What? That's right, you have to be pissed off! What? I said you have to be pissed off! What? You've gotta be in the mood to stand in a long ass line too! What? Yeah, real long lines. What? You said you want some cheap plastic sh!t? What? Well you came to the right place! What? You want to go to a store where you can buy cheap plastic sh!t, be pissed off, return damn near anything with or without a receipt, stand in long ass lines, and then when it's all said and done, yell and be rude to the cashier because of all of these things? What? Well you came to the right place then jackass! This is Wal-Mart! Also known as the gateway to hell! What? You want to hear kids screaming too? What? You want to see the single largest gathering of white trash ever? What? Well welcome to Wal-Mart! What? This is Wal-Mart, and our slogan is white trash and cheap plastic sh!t, ALWAYS! Always sh!tty, always Wal-Mart! What? Put on a happy face! What?
WOMAN: Somebody likes their job...
(Walks off mumbling about how true it all is. As she walks off, the alarm on the door goes off.)
SCSA: Hey wait! Stop! What? Stop you theivin' bastard! What? I said stop!
MAN: Here's my receipt..
SCSA: What? Did I ask for your receipt? What? You stole this didn't you? What?
MAN: Dude, it's on my receipt!
SCSA: What? This receipt is dated last year punk! What? Nice try jackass! What?
MAN: This is bullsh!t, get me a manager!
SCSA: What? You want a manager? What?
(A manager has seen the commotion and walks over to Austin.)
MANAGER: What's going on here?
SCSA: This guy is stealin' stuff! What? I said he's stealin' stuff! What?
MANAGER: Steve, you can't SAY that they're stealing things unless we can prove it.
SCSA: His damn receipt is dated last year! What? You need more proof? What? This is pretty damn stupid! What?
MANAGER: (looking at the receipt) Yeah, looks fine to me, go on sir.
MAN: Thanks. (To Austin) F*ck you!
(The man walks off, but the manager remains.)
MANAGER: Next time, don't-
SCSA: (Interrupting) What? You just let a damn shoplifter go son! What?
MANAGER: Well he had a-
SCSA: (in a mocking voice) Well he had a..What? Shut the hell up jackass! What? I said shut the hell up! You're an idiot! What? I said you're an idiot! Jesus Christ son, it's a good thing Wal-Mart doesn't do intelligence tests to hire people, because you're dumb ass would be out on the streets begging for quarters! What?
MANAGER: You're getting out of line now-
SCSA: What? I'm out of line? What? You're a piece of trash? What? I said you're a piece of trash! Did you graduate high school son?
MANAGER: Yes actually, I was ranked-
SCSA: What? It must've been a pretty damn retarded school. What?
MANAGER: You're crossing the line-
SCSA: Shut up! What? I said shut up! (pushes the manager backwards) What? Does that make you mad son? What? Jesus Christ, the entire management force here might equal an IQ of five, on a good day. You're a moron! What? Hey, go get a price check! What? Go put a pink sticker on this! What? Hey, go put some cheap plastic sh!t in some crappy blue bags and call it good! What? Take your pink stickers and your shopping carts and your blue bags and shove them up your ass son! What?
MANAGER: You're fired.
SCSA: What? (in a mocking voice) Uhhh...you're fired! What? You think you're a big shot because you've got power over a damn Wal-Mart store? You're pathetic! What? I said you're pathetic! Kiss my ass you stupid son of a bitch, I quit!
(Kick to the gut, Stone Cold Stunner...)

(Austin the plumber...)
(Austin rings the doorbell to a suburban home, a large man answers the door.)
MAN: You here about the toilet?
SCSA: You betcha son, where's the clog at?
MAN: Right in here.
(He leads Austin to the bathroom. Austin immediately starts fanning the air and looks sick to his stomach.)
SCSA: Jesus Christ son, you could have at least sprayed some Lysol in here before you brought me in here! What? It smells like a damn dump in here! What? It smells like sh!t! What?
MAN: Well I don't think Lysol would have helped that much man, it was a huge crap.
SCSA: What? Shut up! I don't wanna know that! What? My god boy, what the hell did you eat? What?
MAN: What difference does that ma-
SCSA: (interrupting) What? Did you have some fried chicken maybe? What? Maybe a little tex-mex? What? Did you have some of that greasy Chinese shit son? What? Or did you just take a huge brown log and shove it up the toilet? What? Dammit son, that size of a turd just isn't healthy! What? You make me sick! What? I said you make me sick! Hand me my plunger! What?
(The man hands him a plunger.)
SCSA: It's gonna take a damn backhoe to get this crap out of here! What?
(Austin plunges for a minute, then stops, looks at the toilet, scratches his head, and turns and hits the man in the gut with the handle to the plunger. Austin gives him a stunner and starts to plunge his face.)
SCSA: Dammit boy that's the biggest piece of sh!t I've ever seen, and keep in mind that I do in fact know the Big Show! What? You took a huge sh!t son! What? Why am I plunging your little face? What? You wanna know why? Because you're a bigger piece of sh!t than what's stuck in the crapper son! What? You make me sick! What? You're a piece of crap! What?
(Austin picks the man up and stuffs his head into the toilet and starts flushing the toilet.)
SCSA: There ya go you big sick bastard! Right where you belong! What? You're right where you belong, there in the toilet! What? You don't like having your face right next to a big piece of crap? What? You don't like smelling a big piece of sh!t up close and personal like that? What? Well son, now you know how your wife probably feels every night when she rolls over and sees your ugly self laying there! What? You're disgusting! What? You're pathetic! What? (Austin hits him in the back a few more times before leaving...)