After a strange night, the women of friends discover that they are not alone, so to speak, in the morning. X-files is a Ten Thirteen Production of Chris Carter, Our patron saint. Friends is a Warner brothers production. Write me with suggestions, comments and other folklore at boardman@srnet.com and ask for Nancy
Ten-Rachel's place.
"I can't believe we are having a sleepover!" Monica said as she pulled a tray of cookies from the oven.
"I know. We should have done this a long time ago." Rachel agreed as she spread out the sleeping bags on the floor. Earlier in the afternoon, she enlisted the guys help in moving the furniture. Actually she spent more time making out with Ross than helping. But hey! She was in love.
"It would have really gone better if could have braided all our hair. Not just mine." Phoebe said referring to the short hairdos the Rachel and Monica seem to sport year round.
"No." Rachel agreed with her. "Not many people can pull off a pippy longstocking like you do."
"I know." Phoebe said.
Monica sat down with a plate of cookies. Rachel took one and chewed on it thoughtfully. "Think the guys will pull a panty raid?"
Phoebe looked at Monica. "I think we all know who she means."
Rachel laughed as she downed the next cookie.
"I am getting tired." Monica announced. "It's not even time for the ouija board and I'm pooped."
"Hmm." Rachel said. "We did have a long day today. Why don't we take a little nap, and we can figure out what to do later." Rachel slipped into her sleeping bag.
"Can I sing you a lullaby?" Phoebe volunteered.
"NO!" Monica and Rachel responded.
The next morning....
Rachel woke up groggy from the nights sleep. She ran her tongue over her lips to get rid of the icky tasting gunk you get in your mouth when you wake up. She squinted until she could adjust to the sudden change of light. She read the clock on the kitchen wall.
"8:30?" Rachel muttered. "I'm late. But then I'm not sure I even work today." She smelled something cooking.
"Ross?" She got up and wrapped her sleeping bag around her. "Honey is that you?"
"Yes." Ross said coming out of the kitchen. "You overslept. Look I'm cooking you breakfast." Chandler and Joey were talking at the kitchen table. Rachel volunteered a weak wave.
"Why didn't you wake me?"
"I just got here. And you look so cute curled up on the floor." Ross said wrapping his arms around her.
"Hey!"
Ross and Rachel looked at Monica. "Get a room!"
"How was your night anyway?" Ross asked.
"I couldn't get to sleep." Phoebe admitted as she sat up. "I was half expecting that panty raid Rachel mentioned."
"Panty raid?" Ross asked.
"Well, it would have been nice." Rachel replied. She took a deep breath. "Whoa."
"What?" Ross asked her.
"I just feel sick all of a sudden."
Monica rose to help her but she crumbled to the floor near Phoebe who was experiencing the same trouble. Rachel got up and ran into the bathroom. Phoebe now looked pale and Monica clinched her stomach.
"I doubt that this is the clams we ate last night." Phoebe wisely reported. "Because we had none."
Ross thought for a moment. Then he had a revelation. There was only one real reason that they were sick like this. One terrifying reason.
"I remember that Carol was like this when she had morning sickness." Ross said as Rachel emerged from the bathroom. Phoebe and Monica ran in at the same time and vomited. "But Rach, Monica hasn't had sex since Richard..."
"Oh rub it in." Monica cracked from the bathroom.
"Its true. Phoebe hasn't either. " Ross reasoned.
"True." Chandler agreed.
"And we haven't seen each other in a week. So either I'm better than I thought, or something is going on here."
"Could we be pregnant?" Phoebe asked as she exited the bathroom. Monica followed her.
"It's very suspicious that you would all be pregnant at the same time." Ross said. Rachel looked at him. "Not like thats a bad thing honey."
Rachel walked carefully to the table. "I know who can help us."
"Doctor would be good." Chandler cracked, then he realized he made a non-joke.
"I still have the number." Monica said and pulled it off the wall.
Rachel dialed the number on Ross's cellular phone. "If what we have already experienced isn't strange, this should take the cake!"
Fox Mulder was sitting in his car outside a Burger Hut. Dana Scully had apparently volunteered to treat him to lunch. This was not what she had in mind. Mulders cellular phone rang in his pocket. Mulder licked his fingers before he answered.
"Mulder."
"Fox?" Rachel said as she clutched her stomach. The guys had lain Phoebe and Monica on a pile of sleeping bags. They each had a bucket just in case they didn't make it. "We really need your help this time."
"What is it." Mulder said. It was Rachel Green. She was the only woman, besides Margaret Scully, who got away with calling him Fox.
"We are having some kind of difficulty." Rachel did her best to explain what had happened that morning. "I'm not sure how or why it happened, but now we are all showing.."
"Just the girls right?" Mulder interrupted.
"Yes. We all started showing signs of...pregnancy."
Scully overheard the last comment and did a spit take. "Mulder are they kidding?"
"Not from the way Rachel is moaning on the phone. We should go see them. After all, we are on unofficial vacation for a week anyway."
Scully moaned. "I can't believe that Skinner thinks we work to hard."
Mulder grinned and pulled away from the burger stand. "We should get there ASAP." Mulder said to Rachel. "If it is what I think it is, then we will have an interesting day. Until we get there do not leave, understand?"
"We can't even make it to the bathroom, let alone the coffee shop. I'll call Gunther when I hang up."
"Okay, bye."
Rachel hung up. "They'll be here soon."
Monica emerged from the bathroom. "I think I just have just seen my life pass before my eyes." She uttered before sitting next to Phoebe. "It's amazing. Ten minutes ago I was puking my guts out, now I'm back to normal." Rachel went to the bathroom door and went inside.
"Me too." Phoebe said. "Maybe we should call agent Mulder and tell him it was probably a false alarm."
They looked to see Rachel. Ross pointed in the direction of the bathroom. "I think we ought to wait till they arrive." Ross picked up his briefcase. "Meanwhile I got a call from the museum. I'll be right back." Ross went into the bathroom. He steadied Rachel as she came out. Rachel looked at him and silently pleaded for him to stay. He laid her down gently next to Monica and left the apartment.
"What was that about?" Scully said as Mulder put his phone on the dashboard.
"The gang." Mulder said. The friends were their only frequent patrons. Mulder referred to them as the gang as it would take to long to mention the six names. "Overnight all the girls have all gotten a ailment that has the same effects of morning sickness."
"Odd. When we were there last Rachel was the only one seeing someone. Ross."
"Yeah. Do you think we should bring some of your doctor gear?" Mulder said. "Because if this is what I think it is, then all three will need a pregnancy test."
Mulder turned on the engine. Scully tossed the last of the garbage into the nearby container. "Do you think this has to do with UFOs?"
"No." Mulder said. "I think I'll keep you in suspense. We have to find out there is really something to this before I bore you with my paranoid delusions."
"You have had hypothesis on less than this." Scully pointed out.
"I know. But these are people we have seen before. Lots of unusual things occur to them. The ugly naked guy, Phoebes strange trip, Janice dating Chandler. It could be the beginning of something big. Something bigger than the fate of the central perk crew than we'll probably ever know."
"Okay." Scully said. "We have no plans."
A few hours later.
Ross had returned from the museum. Someone had apparently used a dust buster in the space room and sucked up some space dust.
"Endless fun." Ross said to Rachel. "To add to it, someone had lost a contact in there too. I love my job."
In the past few hours dramatic and horrible changes have been made to the bodies of the girls. Their stomachs have ballooned to twice their size. It was like they were full of the dame helium people use to make balloons. Ross felt Rachel's tummy. It felt tender and squishy in parts. Ross was used to feeling Rachel's stomach. He took care of Carol when she was pregnant with Ben.
"This is very weird." He said while lightly touching Rachel. "But very wonderful. I always wanted to know what you would look like with my child."
Monicas head spun. She was sitting across the room with Joey. "Well I didn't." She stood carefully and waddled over to Ross. "When the sperm didn't take I thought that was the end. Is it normal to hear sloshing?"
"No." Ross answered.
"I feel like a water balloon." Phoebe said. She had developed the most. Maybe it was in proportion to her height and weight.
There was a knock at the door.
Ross opened the door to reveal Mulder and Scully.
"Hi. I thought you would never come." Rachel said as she rose. Scully looked at her with eyes wide.
"Holy cow!"
"Hey." All three said.
"Sorry." Scully said "Act professional. Do NOT laugh."
Mulder smiled a Scully who walked over to the girls. They were all standing. Phoebe had a little extra help standing up.
"All right girls." Scully said. "We are going to have a little test..."
"Oh boy! I love tests." Phoebe said. "Is true or false or will we have multiple choices."
"We're going to find out if you're pregnant."
"What if we're not?" Monica asked. "It better not be gas."
"Yeah. Keep them away from an open flame." Chandler quipped.
Scully opened her briefcase. She gave them three boxes, one each. "You'll take turns of course. As soon as we calculate the results, my partner hopefully will tell both you and me what his theory in regard to what this whole thing is about. Phoebe should go first, she's having the worst time with this thing."
"I feel like someone is trying to yank out my insides with a plunger. My aura is clogged." Phoebe said as Joey helped her to the bathroom.
"What?" Chandler asked.
"Way over your head." She smiled at Mulder who acknowledged her with a nod. "Maybe you're not so spooky, Mulder. You're the only one who understands me."
Phoebe closed the door while the others waited.
Exactly half an hour later
Scully had set up a mini crime lab on Monica kitchen table. Monica made her promise not to harm her "baby". Scully smiled and returned to the tests. Phoebe was exhausted after giving her test to Scully. Phoebe was in Rachel's room resting. Her stomach had grown another two inches as did Monicas and Rachel. This worried Mulder and Scully a lot since they had yet to discover what was going on here. Mulder decided to ask Monica and Rachel questions about what they did last night.
"You might not get anywhere." Monica replied while sitting up. She cringed when the movement hurt her back. "We had a sleepover. Well Phoebe did anyway since we already live here."
"But she did once, don't forget that." Rachel noted as Phoebe stumbled out of Rachel's room.
"Hi."
"Are you all right?" Monica asked her. Phoebe sat down.
"If this is pregnancy, I don't want a part of it." Monica moaned.
They laughed as Scully looked up. "I'm done." She reported
The girls moved to get up but Scully motioned them to stay. "I am finished with you pregnancy tests." She got up and sat on one of the overstuffed couches. "The results are right here." She waved a few pieces of papers. "You are all, according to this test, pregnant."
"But how can that be?" Rachel asked.
"Thats' impossible." Monica concurred as Phoebe stared blankly and played with her hair.
"Mulder will you please tell them and me your theory?" Scully practically begged of him. Mulder usually doesn't hold back. This was a particularly strange situation.
"I think you were impregnated by an alien." Mulder said bluntly.
Scully didn't speak. She should have expected a response like this from Mulder. And they were working on some nice normal cases now too.
"What makes you think that?" Rachel asked him.
"When you woke up this morning, was it different than any normal morning?"
"Well I had some gunk in my mouth, but I just assumed it was bacteria."
"Yes." Chandler said. "I guess you know that when you assume you make a.." He stopped when Joey shook his head vigorously.
"Me too." Phoebe said. "I had this feeling of being full. Like if you just ate a whole turkey whole."
Monica nodded. "And last night I felt like I was sleeping but not really being asleep."
Mulder nodded. Scully continued to stare although now she realized that Mulder might actually have a point. "There are a few X-Files that indicate..." he said looking at Scully. "of alien pregnancies that didn't involve intercourse."
"Really?" Scully said." How come we never worked on one?"
"Because most cases would either kill the mother or the unborn before incubation is complete." He heard Rachel gasp quietly.
"We're done for." She said. Rachel began to weep. Ross put his arm around her and whispered in her ear. She nodded and looked up at the agents. "What can you do?"
"To tell you the honest truth we can't do anything until you are ready to deliver. We don't have an ideal hospital scenery here, but we can't go to a hospital and cause a panic." Scully said.
"Then we'll do the very best to keep you from dying during this ordeal." Mulder agreed.
"For now," Scully said. "We have to prepare. From the results we have 12 hours to prepare for whatever you are carrying."
"What do we do with the fetus's after they are born?" Ross asked while touching Rachel's jiggly tummy.
"If they live, they won't stay that way. Its entirely possible that they will not survive a human birth. Either way they'll die."
Ross nodded with understanding.
"Is there something we can use to sterilize the equipment we need?" Scully asked.
"Down in the cafe there is a purifier we use for the cream. It'll do the job." Rachel waddled over to Scully. "If I don't come with you, they will never give it to you."
She nodded and gave Rachel her oversized coat. "You are rather obvious."
Rachel smiled at Ross on her way out. Mulder took off his coat and rolled up his sleeves. "I hope there is a good Laundromat nearby. We're going to totally ruin these clothes tonight."
Joey starts stripping in the middle of the room. Monica rolled her eyes up. This happened before. Mulder grabbed Joey before the pants came off. "The shirt will do just fine."
Scully opened the door to the apartment and let Rachel in. She then wheeled in the purifying machine they were going to use. Rachel showed her how to hook it up. Scully then put a bunch of kitchen knives and needles into it. Mulder had already cordoned off an area to keep them handy until the big moment. Joey and Chandler had moved the furniture out of the way. Joey closed the shades. Mulder approved of the move. After all who might be watching? All the towels and the blankets of the house were laid out on the floor to keep the girls comfortable. A few pillows were grabbed from the guys apartments. Rachel went to their living room area and Ross helped her onto her pillow. Phoebe had dozed off while Monica was watching "Love USA Style" Spanish.
"Sucks in any language." Monica said turning the channel. Phoebe stirred. She slowly screamed as she woke up.
"Mr. Heckles, if he were here, would be up here complaining about the noise." Rachel moaned.
"Mr. Heckles?" Mulder asked her as he picked a spot near Phoebe.
"Cranky neighbor."
"Oh." Mulder fell forward. Phoebe had apparently seized his zebra tie.
"GET IT OUT NOWWWWW." Phoebe said. "This is no child, it's the anti-Christ!" Scully unhooked Mulders tie. Phoebe reeled it in and started chewing thoughtfully on it.
The guys had parked themselves around Phoebe. If they wanted to know how to work on the other girls they had to do a perfect job on Phoebe.
"Contractions?" Scully rose.
"They are very close." Ross reported. "One every two minutes Aliens are advanced!"
Scully grabbed a few of the sterilized knives off the counter. "Pin her down. I do not want her moving during this delivery!"
Joey and Chandler grabbed her arms. Rachel helped her as well. Scully came over with the tools and sat in between Phoebes legs. "Mulder will you.." She turned to discover that Mulder passed out. "Fat lot of help. Ross, grabbed the needled with the yellow liquid. This will tranquilize her and help her with the pain."
Ross grabbed the needled and gave it to her. She gave her a little and Phoebe settled down.
"Wheeee." Phoebe murmured. "Thats nice."
"Ross, it's crowning." Scully said slowly. "Give me a towel."
Ross handed her a towel. Out came a bloody mess. It didn't even resemble a living being. Whatever it was, it didn't survive the delivery.
"It's dead." Scully said. Joey and Chandler had released Phoebes arms.
She took one look at it. "Looks like my mom." She took a deep breath and said something unbelievable. "I think it will fit in the toilet."
Rachel looked at her shocked. "It's no good Rachel. It's not alive. It's not anything. It's not even a thing." Phoebe said to her. She patted her stomach. It had collapsed to its original size. "The important thing is that I survived."
The other deliveries went smoothly. Mulder woke up during Monicas delivery, the last one, and helped a little bit. They hadn't done anything with the bodies as of yet. They were in a box on the table, the blood seeped out the bottom of it. Rachel and Phoebe were sleeping in Rachel's room. Monica was in her own room, sleeping as well. Mulder and the guys were mopping up the mess and putting it in the sink. The blood was stubborn and hard to remove. Scully said that Monica might have to have the floor redone. Mulder nodded at the box on the table. It was developing an unpleasant odor.
"We have to do something with this." Scully said as she picked it up. She thought for a moment and went into the bathroom. The toilet was heard. She came out with the empty box. "There were no longer bodies in the box. They had disintegrated into an icky fluid. Whatever those things were supposed to be... I don't know."
"Maybe we're not supposed to know." A voice said. Mulder turned to find Rachel in her bathrobe at the threshold to her door." After all. This was nothing like what it was going to be." She said coming out. Rachel walked the floor. She was careful not to step in any blood. "I keep waiting to wake up. For someone to tell me this is a dream."
"Maybe that what you need." Scully said as she approached her. Scully grabbed Rachel's arms and shook her violently. "Wake up Rachel! Wake UP! RACHEL!"
Rachel's eyes were opening. She felt her small lithe body shaking. She opened her eyes all the way. Agent Scully was shaking her. She sat back and allowed Rachel to sit up.
"Dana?" Rachel asked.
"Hi." Scully said. "We were worried about you for a while. You called us earlier remember?"
"We were sick." Rachel said. "But I don't remember passing out. Not for so long anyway." She looked up at Ross who was holding her hand.
"We found out that you had food poisoning. Bad clams" Scully said. "Did you feel like you going to give birth to an alien?" She said smiling. Mulder looked in her direction. He was mot amused.
"Don't even joke about that." Rachel said getting up. "Thats what my dream was about. That we gave birth to these things. Phoebe wanted to flush one down the toilet."
"You know I love all living things." Phoebe objected.
"I'm sorry you had to come here for nothing." Ross said as he helped Rachel up.
"Thats all right." Mulder said. "Like we had nothing else to do anyway. Just be glad it was nothing beyond food poisoning.
Scully and Mulder stayed for a while longer just talking to the gang. They learned an awful lot about one another. Soon Monica went to work while Phoebe and the guys went home. Rachel hugged Scully on the way out.
"I'm glad you did come." Rachel admitted. "Most government people would rather spit in our face than actually do something."
"Thanks. I think." Scully smiled. "Take care. You will have a baby someday. Piper is a good name." She slyly hinted.
"I'll consider it." Rachel returned the smile. She closed the door and stretched. The living room looked liked it did always. Everything in its place. Just the way Monica wants it. She must have put the sleeping bag away when I was conked out. It must have been a dream. But why do I remember it so vividly? Why do I still feel pain down here? Why do I feel drowsy? Rachel looked in the mirror. I'll be all right she reasoned with herself. She took a deep breath and relaxed herself.
"It's going to go back to normal." Rachel said to herself as she walked into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and popped the top off a beer. She drank slowly and sighed as she placed the bottle in the counter. She walked over to the sink to wash her face. "It's only a dream right?" She looked down in the sink. It seemed to be stained with a pinkish red fluid. Rachel turned on the faucet and washed it down the drain. She looked out the window. "It was, wasn't it?"
