Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: Dont you think its all a bit Sit-commish. Yknow. I go to your dinner and pretend to be your girlfriend.
Chandler: (Thinking on the spot) Okay, come, but pretend youre not pretending to be my girlfriend.
Phoebe: Um, okay. Thats better.(The rest of the gang seemed a bit baffled by Chandlers logic.)
Int. Chandler and Joeys. Night(Ross, Joey, Chandler and Phoebe are all there. Chandler is dressed up in a tux and Phoebe is wearing a silk black dress.)
Chandler: So, do we look like a couple.
Joey: I dont know. Put your arm around her.
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Put your arm around her. (Chandler reluctantly does so. Ross whips out a camera and takes a picture of them.)
Ross: Aw, dont they look cute. Our little Chandlers growing up.
Chandler: Ahem, Ha ha! (He makes a grab for the camera. Ross pulls it out of the way.)
Phoebe: (Looking at her watch) Ooh, come on! We have to go. Im not having any boyfriend of mine being late for his own boss dinner.(She pulls him towards the door)
Chandler: Okay, well be going now.
Ross: You two enjoy yourselves.
Joey: Hey, Chandler (He points a finger at him) Dont you be late coming home or Ill take away your allowance for a week.(Chandler gives a grin that says Shut up!)
Int. Rachel and Monicas. Night(Monica and Rachel are slumped in their chairs. The Smiths How soon is now? is playing in the background. Theyre both in their pyjamas They look really depressed. Ross and Joey walk in. Theyre both in casuals.)
Ross: Hey, can we borrow some beer?
Joey: (Jokingly) Not that youd want it back when were finished.(Ross and Joey both begin to laugh. The girls turn around. they are not amused)
Ross: (Laughing) Why are..(Calming down) Whats the...(Seriously) Whats up? I thought you two were going out tonight.
Rachel: Oh, nothing.
Monica: We just felt like a night in.
Joey: (Seriously) You got ditched, huh?
M & R: NO!(Ross and Joey simply look at them. Eyebrows raised.)
M & R: Well, yeah.
Ross: Well, why dont you come next door. We, er, were watching videos.
Monica: I dont know.
Joey: Come on, itll be fun.
Rachel: Please, you chose the videos. Ten to one you can literally smell the testosterone coming out of the VCR.
Joey: (Hurt) No.
Monica: Okay, what you got?
Ross: The Terminator. (Puts on a bad Austrian accent) Hasta La Vista, Baby!(Joey laughs)
Rachel: Man film.
Joey: No its not. Theres some romance in it.
Rachel: Joey, theres one sex scene and it looks like hes trying to rip her breasts off.
Joey: (With a big smile) Yeeeah!
Int. A posh living room. Night.(We appear to be at the boss dinner. The dinner is over and everyone is drinking either coffee or wine. Chandler is stood in the corner. A girl walks past. He smiles. She simply sniffs.)
Chandler: Okay, she sniffed me.(Phoebe walks up to him.)
Phoebe: Oh God! Do you think shell forgive me.
Chandler: Who?
Phoebe: Your Boss wife.
Chandler: Oh yes! I believe oxtail soup isnt really that hard to get out of silk.
Phoebe: Oh Im really sorry! Ive messed up. Your gonna get fired. Then youll get evicted coz you couldnt pay the rent and...
Chandler: No, (He puts his arm around her) no, you didnt mess up.
Phoebe: (Not believing him) Really? Then why do you look all tunsey.
Chandler: Im naturally tunsey. Infact Pheebs, I want to thank you.
Phoebe; Thank me?
Chandler: Yeah, I was really dreading this dinner, but youve helped me to relax. Well, that and the bottle of wine I drank in two minutes after the soup incident.(Phoebe laughs and buries her head deeper into his shoulder.)
Phoebe: (Nicely) Thanks, Funny-Guy!
Int. Chandler and Joeys. Night.(Ross and Joey are sat on the recliners while Rachel and Monica are sat on the floor. Ross and Joey look like theyve enjoyed themselves. Its a shame the same cant be said for the other two.)
Joey: Those movies rocked!
Ross: Yeah, yknow, its great sometimes just to chill out. (To the girls) What did you girls think?
Rachel: (Turning to Ross) To be quite honest the majority of those films were Macho Crap!
Joey: (Shocked at such a suggestion) Wha? What about Thelma and Louise? You enjoyed that.
Monica: Yeah and we would have enjoyed it even more, if it wasnt for the fact that you said that you originally thought this film was about Lesbianism.
Rachel: (Standing up) Have you guys ever watched a film that didnt involve the introductory star taking her clothes off?
Ross: (Objecting) Hey, wait! Rachel, I watched Waiting to Exhale with you.Rachel: You yawned throughout the whole thing.
Ross: No! No, I was, um, (Looks to Joey for help. Non given) Exhaling!(The girls go to leave. Ross runs in front of the door.)Ross: I tell you what. Why, er why dont we do this again. Except, except Joey and I will choose movies that you would like.
Ra & Mo: (Impressed) Really?
Joey: (Confused) We will?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Okay! This time tomorrow youll have chosen some good films for us.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey; (Still confused) We will?
Monica: Well see you tomorrow.(They leave. Ross goes to stand next to Joey. Hes smiling his head off. As soon as the girls leave, Joey turns to Ross and slaps him across the back of his head)
Ross: Okay, ow, what was that for?
Joey; Why are we going to be choosing chick flicks tomorrow?
Ross: Because then Rachel will know that Im still a nice guy.
Joey: (Not impressed and sitting down) Why cant you write her a poem.
Ross: Joey, dont you get it. Since we split up Rachel doesnt believe Im a nice guy anymore.
Joey; I can see that, yknow, what with you sleeping with the Xerox girl and everything.(Ross stares at him to shut up.)
Joey: Ill be shutting up now.
Ross: Joey, this is my last chance to get Rachel back.
Joey: Okay, man. Coz its for you.(He stand up and they hug. They quickly pull apart and stare at each other.)Joey: (In a comically deep voice) So, what about those Knicks, eh?
Ross: (Equally deep) Yeah!
Int. Outside Phoebes Apartment. Night(Chandler and Phoebe walk to the door arm in arm.)
Chandler: Here you are, Madame? Outside your apartment as you requested.
Phoebe: Why thank you kind sir.(She curtseys.)
Phoebe: That was fun, Chandler.Chandler: Yeah, I thought so. However I dont think my impression of chosen scenes from Baywatch went down to well. (He pulls two oranges out of his pockets.) Especially when I got to the Yasmine Bleeths scenes.
Phoebe: Well, I thought you were funny. Well, I better go.
Chandler: Okay, (He turns to go and then turns around) Um, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Yeah!
Chandler: Tonight was really fun.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: No, I mean this was the first time Ive been out with someone since Janice. Thanks for making it special.
Phoebe: Thats..(Shes cut off as Chandler kisses her. He pulls away. Phoebe looks shocked.)
Chandler; Sorry!
Phoebe: (Affectionately) No, dont be.(She kisses him harder on the lips. As they kiss she opens the door to the apartment. They go inside.)
Int. Phoebes apartment. Night (The lights are turned on as Phoebe enters with Chandler. Theyre still locked at the lips. They stop beside the couch. Suddenly Chandler stops.)
Chandler: Should we be doing this?
Phoebe: Why not?
Chandler: What about your neighbours?
Phoebe: Oh, um, theyre dead!(Chandler looks up as if hes thinking. He looks again at Phoebe.)
Chandler: Um, okay!(He kisses her and they fall on the couch .)
Fade to black.
Int. The hallway outside C & Js and R & Ms. Day.(Some sort of spy music begins. You know the sort, Mission Impossible etc We see Chandler creeping up the stairs. Hes still his tux. It looks slightly crumpled. Before he reaches the top he peers over the banister Seeing the area is clear except for newspapers, he continues up the rest of the stairs. He tip toes down the corridor keeping his eye on Rachel and Monicas door the whole time. When he reaches his door, Monica and Rachels door begins to open. He furiously tries to open his door, but naturally its locked. He fumbles in his pocket for his keys. Before he gets a chance to find them Rachel steps outside. She looks really tired. Her eyes are half closed and her hair is everywhere. Chandler flings himself chest first against the wall nearest him. He spreads himself out desperately trying to blend in with the wall. Rachel bends down to pick up her paper. As she turns she speaks.)
Rachel: (Mumbling) Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: (Still up against the wall and without realising) Hey, Rach. (He cringes when he realises what he has said. Rachel finally goes inside and Chandler relaxes. He searches for his keys again, finds them and opens the door. He takes one last look around and then wipes his brow. He turns around and walks through the door. Well, he would if it wasnt for the fact that in instead of walking, he stumbles in as if hes been tripped up. Music ends.)
Int. Chandler and Joeys. Day.(Chandler is sprawled on the floor. Unsure as to how he ended up there he gets up and walks to the door frame. He looks down just as Joey rushes from his room with a baseball bat. With the baseball bat aimed at Chandlers head he shouts.)
Joey: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Chandler: (Turning) Argh! Joey! Put the bat down.
Joey: (Smiling) Oh hey! How was the dinner?
Chandler: (Still slightly unnerved) Fine. (Looks down again) Hey, Joey, I have a question. Why, er, why did you staple cable to the bottom of the door frame.(He pulls it from the front of the frame and waves it in front of Joey.)
Joey; (Beaming with pride) That was my Anti-theft device.
Chandler: Oh I see. So in order to stop thieves from getting away you slice their ankles off. Yknow, sometimes I wonder whether I made the right decision to choose you over Eddie.
Joey: (Hurt) Im not use to being on my own in the apartment at night, yknow. Normally its me out while your stuck at home eating Capn Crunch. (Cheerily) Its a bit like that movie, Vice Versa except..except....
Chandler: Except NOT!(Chandler takes his dinner jacket off and places on the foos table.)
Joey: Er, Yeah. Anyway, whereve you been all night. Me and Ross were up all night waiting for you. (He starts waving his finger at Chandler like a scolding parent) How many times have I told you to phone me if your going to come home late!
Chandler: (Sarcastic) Well, sorry Mom. I tried to phone you but I didnt have any quarters.(He pulls out his pockets in order to prove his point. As he does so a box of condoms fall out.)
Joey: Whats this?(He bends down and picks the box up. Chandler looks increasingly worried.)Joey: (Looking at the box) Oh ho! Ribbed! No wonder you had no quarters left. (Looking at Chandler again) So, I take it you met someone last night
Chandler: (Guiltily) Kinda.
Joey: So you go back to her place?
Chandler: Kinda.
Joey: So, I take it you (Points at the box) Yknow.
Chandler: Kinda.(Chandler sits down and begins to prepare himself a bowl of cereal.)Chandler: Miiiiilk?
Joey: Allow me! (He walks to fridge and gets the milk) So who is she?
Chandler: Promise you wont laugh.
Joey: Sure I wont. (Frowning) Its not Janice is it.
Chandler: (Shocked) NO!
Joey: Good.(Joey begins to pour milk into Chandlers bowl.)
Chandler: (Timidly) It was Phoebe.(Joey simply stands in the same position for a while. He has a fixed grin The milk is still being poured.)Chandler: Uh, Joey.(The milk is beginning to over flow)Chandler: Joey, I like cereal with my milk.(He grabs the milk off Joey.)
Joey: Gabber, gabber, gabber!
Chandler: Ah, that well known song by the Ramones.
Joey: Woah! I cant believe you slept with Phoebe.(Chandler picks up a cloth and begins to mop up the milk.)Joey: Did you do it on purpose?
Chandler: No, Joey. Funnily enough she was on her bed and I happened to trip up.
Joey: No, what I mean is, were you drunk?(Chandler finishes mopping up and sits down again. Joey remains standing)
Chandler: Just a bit. But, yknow, it was like I dont think it was the drink that was talking.
Joey: Oh!
Chandler: (Smiling) Yeah!
Joey: So who was it?
Chandler: (Unsure) Who was what?
Joey: Who was it that was doing the talking?
Chandler: It was me, you big freak!
Joey: Oh. (realising and smiling) OH! Thats great! You and Phoebe.
Chandler: (Dreamily) Yeah. (Snapping out of it) and yet NO!!
Joey: Whats up?
Chandler: I cant be with Phoebe.
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Because it will all go wrong!
Joey: How?
Chandler: I dont know! (Joey looks at him.)
Chandler: It just will. This is me were talking about...
Joey: (Interrupting) Look, just think about it, okay?
Chandler: Okay, but we tell no one of this okay?(Ross walks in.)
Joey: Chandler slept with Phoebe!!
Chandler: Hmm, the words Die, Joey, Die! spring to mind.(Joey panics and runs out of the room dragging Ross with him.)
Int. Monica and Rachels. Day.(Monica and Rachel are sat eating breakfast. Theyre watching cartoons. Phoebe enters.)
Monica: Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey.
Rachel: So how was last night?
Phoebe: (Hurriedly) It was great! I spilt soup on the bosss wife, we danced, we laughed and I slept with Chandler. Ooh, look, Ninja Turtles.(She walks to the couch)
Rachel: (Shocked) What did you say?
Monica: Have you slept with Chandler?
Phoebe: (Smiling) Yeah!
Rachel: How did it happen?
Phoebe: Well, Rachel if you dont know that now then I dont want to tell you at all.
Rachel: No, I mean, what happened? I didnt realise you had feelings for him or that he had feelings for you.
Monica: This is amazing. Are you going to give it a go?
Phoebe: I dont know. It depends on Chandler. (Looks into space) Oh, he was so dreamy last night.
Monica: This IS Chandler were talking about isnt it.
Phoebe: Yeah. Why?
Monica: Oh nothing! I just thought Tom Cruise might have entered the conversation somewhere.
Phoebe: So, anyway, I think he really likes me. He was like trying to impress me all night. He played with this little baby and at dinner, he was given this veal, but he put it to one side and shared my salad.
Rachel: Erm, Pheebs. Chandler doesnt actually like Veal.
Phoebe: Oh I know, but he could have eaten it, but he didnt. Then we went back to my place and we...(Goes all shy)
Monica: Its all a bit sudden. Did he? (Makes a motion with her hand)
Phoebe: What? Slip me the tongue when we kissed. No! Well, not until afterwards.
Monica: Did he use protection?
Phoebe: Oh yeah! Except Chandler did fall out of bed at one point.
Rachel: (Laughing) What were you doing?
Phoebe: Nothing! I just kicked him in back when we were sleeping. It was that South Park dream where Eric Cartman mistakes me for a cheesy poof.
M & R: (Looking worried) Oh!
Int. Central Perk. Day(Everyone is sat there, except Phoebe. Rachel is sat next to Ross.)
Ross: So, Chandler!
Chandler: (Takes a deep sigh) Yes!
Ross: Im going to buy myself a T-shirt today or do you think I should buy a ribbed sweater?(Everyone laughs, except Chandler)
Chandler: (Mock laugh) Oh, I see! Ribbed condom, ribbed sweater. (Angrily) HA HA!
Ross: Im sorry, Chandler. We dont mean to poke fun.
Rachel: Its just weird, yknow. You and Phoebe!
Chandler: (Putting his paper down) Yeah, well, Im not sure if theres going to be a Me and Phoebe!
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: As special as last night was and as much as I want to I cant be with her.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: I dont want to end up losing a friendship over a relationship. I mean, look what happened to Ross and Rachel.
Rachel: Oh, please. Were okay!
Ross: Yeah, were still friends. Nothings affected.(He goes to stroke her head.)
Rachel: (Out of the corner of her mouth) Dont do that!Ross pulls away sharply.
Chandler: (Pointing) You see!(Phoebe enters without anyone noticing. She starts to take off her coat. She has a big smile on her face.)
Chandler: Its just that I dont think me and Phoebe should have a relationship. Its not worth it.(Phoebe stops smiling.)Chandler: I just dont know if I want to risk it. (He stops suddenly) How is it, that I can sense shes behind me?(They all turn around and see Phoebe standing by the door.)
Everyone but Chan: OOOOOOOOOOOO!
Phoebe: I dont believe it. You were going to be my funny guy.(She runs out. Chandler jumps over the couch and through the door)
Chandler: Phoebe! Wait!(Everyone is silent for a while until Joey speaks.)
Joey: Okay, which of these is not a chick flick? Casablanca, Four Weddings and a Funeral or Daisy takes it hard?(Everyone stares at him)Joey: What?!
Ext. A street. Day(Phoebe is walking hurriedly. Chandler runs round the corner and catches up with her.)
Chandler: Phoebe! Wait!
Phoebe: (Not turning) Go away!
Chandler: (Stops walking) Please...
Phoebe: (Stops and turns) No, Chandler. Youve made up your mind. You dont want me! Thats fine! You can back to your normal, no risk, looking at your ANUS, with your head up your WENUS life.(She turns and runs. Chandler simply stands there.)
Chandler:(Quietly) Im sorry.
Fade to:Int. Chandler and Joeys. Night.(Chandler is sat on a recliner. He has a beer in his hand. Hes staring at the TV but its not on. Hes really depressed. A light piano intro starts. The song is It Must Be Love by the British band Madness. The camera pulls up to Chandlers face and begins to go into a dream sequence. What follows next is a montage sequence including scenes involving Phoebe and Chandler. Scenes include, Phoebe singing, Phoebe seeing her Mum in the form of a cat, Phoebe hugging Chandler when he thought he was fat, Phoebe flashing Chandler during THE football game, Phoebe helping Chandler to prepare for his Inter net date, etc. The final scene is a slo-mo shot of Phoebe smiling. We fade up on Chandlers face again. The song fades out and the camera pulls sharply from Chandler. He stands up.)
Chandler: I love her!
Joey: (Coming in from his room) Love who?
Chandler: (Getting ready to go out) I gotta go.
Joey: What? I thought you wanted to watch videos tonight with me, Ross and the girls.
Chandler: I cant! I gotta go! Im gonna see Phoebe.
Joey: Great! Its a shame though. You could have seen me finally win the girls over.
Chandler: Why?
Joey: I found the perfect Chick Flick.
Chandler: (Trying to show interest) Really?
Joey: Yeah, I think its a medical drama. (Holds up a video) Its called Every man loves a nurse..
Chandler: Uh, Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Chandler: Um, nothing. I gotta go!(He leaves.)
Int. Outside Phoebes apartment. Night(Chandler knocks on Phoebes door. Shes playing music. Its One by U2. She answers the door.)
Phoebe: Oh, its you!(She goes to close the door. Chandler puts his hand against the door.)
Chandler: Pheebs, we need to talk.
Phoebe: (Releasing a sigh) Okay. Ill see you downstairs.
Ext. A very familiar fountain. Night.(Yes! Thats right! The next scene is set outside the fountain we see in the credits. Theres no water coming out of it yet. Chandler is sat on the edge of the fountain. Phoebe walks into frame and sits next to him.)
Chandler: (Making conversation) You, er, you remember the night we decided to raid the fountain?
Phoebe: Yeah, all that dancing and swimming.
Chandler: Yeah, we looked like the beginning credits to a cheesy sit-com. Why did we do it?
Phoebe: We were all dressed up with nowhere to go. (beat) AND we had drunk four jugs of Monicas Vodka surprise.
Chandler: That would explain why me and Joey woke up in each others rooms and (Frowns) each others clothes.
Phoebe: Chandler, whats going on?
Chandler: Whats going.... well, um, I want to apologise to you.
Phoebe: (Not impressed) Oh, you feel pity for me!
Chandler: (Honestly) No! I want to apologise and say I love you!
Phoebe: (Not listening) So, youve come to laugh at me and tell me that ...(confused) you love me?
Cut to: Int. Monica and Rachels. Night.(We hear When Harry met Sally... playing in the background. Monica is fast asleep on the chair. Rachel and Ross are sat on the couch. Joey is Joey is sat on the table.)
Ross: Aw, man I am beat. Hey Joey, you, er, you must be really tired?(Its obvious hes hinting at something.)
Joey: What? Oh YEAH! (He fakes a yawn) Ooh, before I go! (He gets up and walks over to Monica and pulls her bottom lip over her top lip.) Now Im happy. Gnight.
Ross: You, er, finished?
Joey: (Laughing) Yeah.(He walks off. Every now and then he looks back at Monica and laughs. He finally leaves.)
Ross: So, er, you enjoy the movies?
Rachel: Yeah, they were good! So which ones did you pick?
Ross: All of them.
Rachel: (Confused) What about Joeys?
Ross: It turned out all his were porn movies.
Rachel: Well, at least one of you can be sensitive.
Ross: Yeah? (He gets closer to Rachel.)
Rachel: Uh huh!
Ross: So you, er, think we could..(He goes to kiss her but she grabs hold of his lips with her fingers.)
Rachel: What, with your sister here? No! (She gets up.)
Ross: So you, er, if she wasnt here we...
Rachel: Good night, Ross!Ross gets up reluctantly.
Ross: Good night.(He turns around and walks away.)
Rachel: (Off screen) Ross!(Ross turns around. We see an arm beckoning him from Rachels room. Ross jumps over the couch and runs to the room. He flings the door open, but instead of seeing Rachel, he sees Mrs Bing in her under wear. He screams He wakes up and finds himself at Monica and Rachels again. Rachel is not there.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Ross: Um, yeah. Wheres Rachel?
Monica: She went to bed.
Ross: Mind if I use your shower.
Monica: Yeah. Why?
Ross: I suddenly feel incredibly dirty.(He walks off leaving Joey and Monica looking confused.)
Ext. The fountain. Night.(Phoebe and Chandler are sat on the edge of the fountain.)
Chandler: (Light heartedly) Are you going to speak to me some time tonight? Cause if not I can order pizza.
Phoebe: Chandler! This is not the time to make fun!
Chandler: I wasnt! Im just trying to lighten the situation.
Phoebe: Well, dont! First, you sleep with me. Then I hear you say you dont want to be with me. Now you tell me you love me.
Chandler: Look, before in the cafe. You caught me in mid sentence. I was talking about how I dont want to lose you.
Phoebe: Why would you lose me?
Chandler: I saw Rachel and Ross this afternoon and they were fighting over Snoopy. They were actually having a fight over whether Snoopy was a beagle or a Dalmatian. As I sat there watching Rachel beating Ross with his own paper I kept thinking that that would be us if we went out.
Phoebe: (She grabs his hand) Chandler, thats Rachel and Ross. Were like (Thinks) not Rachel and Ross. Chandler, Ive not felt this close to you since the French Revolution.
Chandler: (Not sure how to react) We, er, met in a previous life?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Chandler: Did we get together?
Phoebe: (Matter of factly) No, you were beheaded!
Chandler: Well. That was a romantic story.
Phoebe: (Standing) The point is I want you. Dont let someone elses relationship get in the way.
Chandler: Well, If your willing to face up to the consequences as much as I am then...(He stand and kiss. As they do the fountain erupts. Chandler turns to face the fountain.)
Chandler: Wow, I thought that kind of thing only happened in the movies.
Phoebe: Or on radio!
Chandler: er, yeah!
Fade out to black. While its still black we hear Phoebe.
Phoebe: So is Snoopy a beagle?
Int. A living room. day.(The camera is set up so that we can only see the couch and a wall. Its kinda like the last scene of When Harry met Sally. Phoebe and Chandler are sat on the couch. Chandler has grown a beard.)
Chandler: And thats how we met. We got married a year later.
Phoebe: We have two children. Gunther and Frank.
Chandler: Naturally we made our the friends god-parents of both.
A voice off Camera: Do you feel you life reflects any movies?
Chandler: Thats a tough one. Oh, wait, how about When Harry...
Phoebe: (Interrupting) That film, Aliens(Phoebe sits there pleased with herself. Chandler leans forward.)
Chandler: We can cut that, right?
(Fade out to the picture that Ross took earlier. Written on the photo are the words To Phoebe, Love FUNNY GUY!)THE END!Any comments you have about this script, write to upton@mcmail.com. Tell me what you liked and didnt like.--------------1AA063BC2D53--
