Scene 1 [Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Chandler and Joey are there]
[ The guys are watching Baywatch on their big screen TV while lounging in their 2 chairs.]
CHANDLER: Oh go Yasmine go. Run baby run.
JOEY: Oh man, this is just so great, you, me, Yasmine, what more could we want. Life is so good.
[The phone rings, Chandler goes and answers it]
CHANDLER: Hello? Oh_..hi Jeannie. I'm good thanks. Hold on, I'll
just get him. Joey___uh Joseph, it's for you. It's Jeannie.
JOEY: Jeannie! How are ya? Aaaaah_..am I free to go out on the boat
this weekend with the family? The boat? Oh yeah_sure__ Ok, well we can confirm the details later. Ok then, bye bye.
[Joey hangs ups]
JOEY: Oh man, what am I gonna do? Chan, help me buddy.
CHANDLER: Help you? What help could you possibly need? All you need is a yacht, a wife, and three kids by this weekend. Nah, you don't need my help____ Joseph.
JOEY: Oh, come on Chan, help me. Please?
CHANDLER: You want my help? Go Joseph go. RUN Joseph RUN!
Scene 2 [Central Perk. Rachel brings all the group their drinks and
then sits on Ross's lap. They smooch while the others are talking]
MONICA: So have you decided what you're going to do yet Joey?
CHANDLER: Joey? Joey? Uh ah, remember, it's Joseph.
JOEY: [Nervously puts spoonful after spoonful of sugar into Ross's
coffee cup ] Well I am just going to have to come up with an excuse as to why I
can't go this weekend. But then she'll just ask me what other time we can do
it. Man, this is bad.
ROSS: [Takes a gulp of his coffee] *No*, this is bad. [Spits his coffee
back in his cup.]
MONICA: Well, maybe you can go, try and work out something.
JOEY: Ah, sure Mon. Oh I know, I'll just go to the sperm bank and say,
excuse me, I don't want any sperm, but I was wondering, have you got 3
little kids and a wife for me to loan for a few days?
PHOEBE: I'll be your wife.
JOEY: What?
PHOEBE: I can be your wife. That'll be like way cool. I tried on a
really beautiful wedding dress today.
CHANDLER: Ah Phoebe, he needs the wife after the wedding.
PHOEBE: [upset] Oh. Well I can be that too! Uh ah.
CHANDLER: And please may I ask, why the hell were you trying on a dress?
PHOEBE: Cause I need a new dress and it was pretty. Duh.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
Scene 3 [Back at Central Perk, All of gang are there except for Monica
who has left to visit Richard]
JOEY: So I guess you could say so far I'm going okay with my family
searching?
RACHEL: Oh yeah, I would call finding 3 kids and a yacht easy.
JOEY: Maybe I could go down to a orphanage and adopt 3 little girls.
[Chandler, Ross and Rachel try to conceal their snickering]
JOEY: Oh okay, well then help me think, Chandler, Ross come on think.
[Central Perk door opens and in walks Nina and Janice]
[Gang turn around at a familiar laugh]
JANICE TO NINA: Hahahahaha, I agree, Darth Vader had the sexiest
voice.
CHANDLER: Ah, trouble, me, leave now
[Chandler leaps to his feet and scoots around towards the toilet]
NINA TO JANICE: Okay that cute little but reminded me of someone I
once dated.
JANICE: Really, funny you say that, he did seem to get away quite
quickly when he saw us, If it is who I think it is he's just as quick
on land as he is in bed.
BOTH: [Janice and Nina] Laugh
JOEY: C'mon Ross. Now your my last hope. If this woman finds out I
have lied, she will kill me!
PHOEBE: Hey, I know, why not pretend Ben is our baby.
ROSS: Good idea, I'll just phone up Carol and say "Oh hi Carol, it's
Ross, Mind if I lend Ben to some friends this weekend?".
JOEY: Please Ross, I swear I'll never mock a scelidosaurus again.
Besides, its only for this one weekend.
ROSS: [Happy at the prospect that Joey has promised he won't mock a dinosaur] [Rushes to get up] I'll call Carol.
Scene 4 [All the gang is present at Monica's apartment except for
Monica]
RACHEL: Chandler, what's going on with you and those two girls?
CHANDLER: Well, besides the fact that I've dumped one 4 times, and the other one stapled my hand to my desk, I have a feeling I'm a wanted man.
[Door opens in walks Monica]
ALL: Hey Mon.
MONICA: Hi. Hey Joey I told Richard about your situation and he
said it would be alright if you use his parents boat for this weekend.
JOEY: Awesome, I can see it now. Captain........ Joseph Tribbiani.
{looking into space}
RACHEL: My god, Joey you are weird.
PHOEBE: Though you still have to work out where our two other kids are going to come from. [Serious tone] You know I don't think the stork does deliveries on Saturday evenings.
[Everyone stares at her weirdly]
RACHEL: Hey, well maybe you could just say the other two girls have a cold and had to stay at their grandparents.
JOEY: Okay great idea. I'll go see does my mum mind looking after them now.
[Joey leaves to his apartment]
ROSS: Monica, are you feeling alright? You don't look to good.
MONICA: No, I feel like I've gone 10 rounds with a overweight panda in heat. Actually I think I'm going to go to bed. See you guys tomorrow.
ALL: Yeah bye Mon.
[JOEY comes back into Mon's apartment looking a little sheepish]
CHANDLER: [is about to say something]
JOEY: [sees Chandler open his mouth] Okay, don't say anything, I forgot that the other two kids are pretend.
ROSS: Monica must be really sick, she doesn't usually leave the TV
guide in such a mess on the floor.
Scene 5 [Rachel is at the kitchen table buttering her toast, Monica
is in the bathroom]
RACHEL: [Takes a mouthful of toast] Oh god yum_. [Kettle starts
boiling and she gets up to make a coffee] [Clatter as her plate falls to the ground as she brushes past the table] Noooooooo , why don't you ever land the right way up! [Picks her toast up and throws it in the bin.]
[Monica comes out of the bathroom, not looking too good]
MONICA: Morning..
RACHEL: Hi, you want a coffee. [Looks at her] God you look like hell.
MONICA: Uh ah.
RACHEL: Are you okay? I mean, it sounded like you were throwing up in there.
MONICA: Uh ah
RACHEL: Isn't this like three days in a row you've thrown up?
MONICA: Uh ah.
RACHEL: Well maybe you should go to the doctors today? There's a bad
bug going around now, Gunther has had it for a week. We sent him home when he threw up into a customers cappuccino.
MONICA: Oooooh do not mention food or drink to me PLEASE. And__ I
think I know what my, ah, problem is.
RACHEL: What? The flu, a cold?
MONICA: Uh ah, I think, you know, that maybe__
RACHEL: UH AH, what??
MONICA: Well I think I may be with child..
RACHEL: [Has just taken a sip of her coffee, spits out a mouthful,
spraying it all over Monica] WHAT? With child? Like a baby child? Like the one Ross has with Carol?
MONICA: Yeah, *that* kind of child, not like a goats kid! Calm down,
its me who should be panicked. Calm down alright, calm down, calm
down, calm down, oh my god.
RACHEL: CALM DOWN!!
[Monica Looks at Rachel, Rachel looks at her, they are both silent}
MONICA: So you know, I was thinking, I need to, Rach what do I need to do?
RACHEL: Well I don't know! When did this happen? Weren't you and
Richard always careful?
MONICA: Well it must have been, you know, that night, the night you
won the last condom when Richard and Ross both stayed over?
RACHEL: {yelling} You still did it? Without protection? Mon_..
MONICA: I know, but you know, we were fooling around, and one thing
lead to another, and we were as careful as we could be.
RACHEL: Well I guess sometimes careful may not be enough. Does Richard know?
MONICA: UH AH! God no. I cannot tell him this Rachel. I need you to help me. Come with me to the chemist and I'll buy a home pregnancy testing kit. I feel like your the only one I can come to about this. [Starts to cry]
RACHEL: Oh of course Mon [gets up and hugs her], come on, lets get
dressed and go now, you wanna go now?
MONICA: Uh ah_[Rachel gives her a huge hug}
RACHEL: Hey did you feel that? [Pulls away from Monica]
MONICA: What?
RACHEL: I think I just felt the baby kick!!!
[Monica gives her a dirty/but that was funny too look]
Scene 6 [Chandler's office, Chandler is at his desk working when Nina walks in]
[Chandler grabs the stapler from his desk and hides under his desk,
peeking up]
NINA: Chandler, you can come up, I promise I won't do anything else to you with a stapler.
CHANDLER: I'm not coming up, My desk is littered with weapons you
could use, pens, rubber bands, plastic animals.
NINA:[slightly annoyed] Oh C'mon Chandler. I swear I was stripped search downstairs.
[Chandler slowly gets back into his chair]
CHANDLER: Okay I'll come up, but make sure you keep your hands where I can see them. Last time you were in this office my hand became a little bit TOO friendly with this desk.
NINA: Well, it looks like you are just going to have to get used to me once again, business has picked up, the ANUS is working quite well again, and this time I think I might just be here to stay.
CHANDLER: What did I do wrong? [looking up towards god]
NINA: Would you come for a coffee, tonight?
CHANDLER: {mumbles}
NINA: Good, I'll take that as a yes, I'll see you at 7, we will go to this little hip cafe I know, its called Central Perk.
CHANDLER: Ohhhh wait a second
[Nina walks out and phone rings]
[CHANDLER answers phone]
CHANDLER INTO PHONE: 7 o'clock, Central Perk, Oh My God.
[COMMERCIAL]
Scene 6 [Joey is putting little girl clothes on Ben, Phoebe is over at the window looking out through binoculars]
PHOEBE: Oh look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing push ups.
[Joey puts down Ben on the chair and runs to window]
[Phoebe gives him binoculars]
TOGETHER: EWWWW
JOEY: Hey, watch out for that mousetrap!
TOGETHER: Ouch!
[Both walk over to Ben]
[Joey finishes putting on a bonnet on Ben's head]
PHOEBE: She's such a adorable little baby.
JOEY: Pheebs, its Ben.
PHOEBE: [sheepishly] Oh, well I knew that.
JOEY: [picking up Ben] So, do we look good? Me and my little baby girl.
PHOEBE: We are going to make a great family!
[Phoebe picks up Ben]
PHOEBE: C'mon little Ben.
JOEY: No let me carry him
PHOEBE:No let me
[walk out into hall, here them fade away arguing over who gets to
carry Ben]
Scene 7 [Monica and Rachel are at a chemist looking for a home
pregnancy testing kit for Monica, Monica and Rachel are shown walking around trying to find the kits. Cut to a shot showing a customer at the counter already, it is Richard]
MONICA: Rachel, go and ask where they are.
RACHEL: Noooooo. Then he'll think I'm the pregnant one.
[Monica shoots her a dirty look}
RACHEL: Oh Mon, I didn't mean anything bad, it's just__.well I get
embarrassed as it is when I have to buy condoms. This is like a way
huge step above that.
MONICA: Ok. Well how about you start looking on the other side, I'll
go to the other side, and we'll work our way in towards the middle,
that way we should find them soon.
RACHEL: Ok, good idea. [Walks off to the other side and Monica goes to the other wall]
RICHARD: [At counter paying for his goods] Thanks Mike, see you next
time.
MIKE: Yeah Richard, good to see you again.
[Richard grabs his stuff and walks towards the door, then he spots
Monica]
MONICA: [Finally finds the kits} Alright_..
RICHARD: [Sneaks up behind Monica] Hey Mon, what ya doin' here?
MONICA: [throws the kit in her hand up in the air in shock] Oh my god, Richard honey, what are you doing here?
RICHARD: Well I had a few things I had to grab for work. [Spots the
kit on the floor and picks it up] Uh Mon_what's this?
MONICA: Well you know, god, she didn't want anyone to know, but I suppose you'll keep it quiet, Rach thinks she could be pregnant!!
RICHARD: Oh my god. Woah! Wow! Where is she? [We then see Rachel head towards them]
RACHEL: Hey Mon__oh Richard__.ooooooooooh. Oh I see you
found the kit. [Sees the kit in Richard's hand]
MONICA: Yeah uh ah, I found it for you.
[Rachel looks at her in surprise]
RICHARD: I just want you to know that your secret is safe with me
Rachel. If you need me to be there for you I will be. And I know
some really great doctors I can refer you to if you are pregnant.
RACHEL: If I'm pregnant? Oh, yeah, if I am. Gee that'd be great
Richard. Real great. [Steps on Monica's foot]
MONICA: Ow, oh, bad cramp, bad cramp! [Grabs her foot and rubs it]
RICHARD: You ok?
MONICA: Oh yeah, I'm hunky dory! Just need to stretch my foot out.
[Flexes her leg and manages to kick Rachel at the same time]
RACHEL: OW! Monica! Watch it!
MONICA: Oh god so sorry Rach.
RICHARD: Well I gotta go so I'll see you tonight Mon? [Hands Rachel
the kit]
MONICA: Uh ah. [Kisses him goodbye and he leaves]
RACHEL: What the hell are you thinking!!!!!! Now he thinks I might be pregnant!!! Jesus Mon.
MONICA: God I am so sorry but I am so not ready to let him know.
Please don't be mad at me.
RACHEL: Aargh, god you can drive me mad! I could kill you.
MONICA: Look if it *was* you I'd pretend for you you know.
RACHEL: Oh I know. And I suppose I'd would ask the same of you. He
won't tell Ross though will he?
MONICA: God no. Richard is like the champion secret keeper of the
world.
RACHEL: Well I hope so, lets go and get this test over and done with.
[They go to the counter]
[Rachel hands kit to MIKE]
MIKE: Soooooo pregnant are we?
[Rachel stares at Monica harshly]
Scene 8[Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel and Ross are there]
CHANDLER: Ross, what's the time?
ROSS: 5 to 7
RACHEL: Chandler, you really shouldn't worry about it. I'm sure its
going to be okay.
CHANDLER: [Perspiring] [Nervous tone] I'm not worried, By the way,
Ross, what's the time?
ROSS: Same time as you asked me 20 seconds ago.
CHANDLER: Okay, you know what, I can do this, what am I afraid of?
Nothing, thats right, I'm afraid of nothing.[Door opens in walks Janice and sits at a table near door and starts gazing through the window.]
CHANDLER: Arghhh {throws himself down behind couch peeking around
sides.
NINA: Hi Chandler what are you doing on the floor?
[Nina has snuck up behind him from sitting on a stool at the counter]
CHANDLER: Oh you know just checking out the floor, you know making
sure its stable and all. Wouldn't want it to collapse or anything.
[Nina looks over in direction of where Janice is sitting and sees
Janice]
NINA: Chandler, you won't believe this, come over here and meet a
friend of mine. I swear you will love her.
CHANDLER: Oh no.
[Rachel motions to Chandler moving her finger across her throat]
RACHEL: Safe to say, Chandler will be back here alone in about 50
seconds.
[Chandler and Nina have reached Janice]
NINA: Hi Janice, how are you? I'd like you to meet a friend of mine,
Janice meet Chandler Bing. Chandler, Chandler, where did he go?
[We see Chandler nervously peeking in from outside through the Central Perk window. Neither Janice or Nina See him. He takes off running]
NINA: I swear he was here a minute ago
[Janice still shocked that Nina was with Chandler]
ROSS: Well honey it seems you were right about Chandler being alone,
but not back here.
[motions to window where we see Chandler running away]
RACHEL: So, what do you think we will be doing tonight?
ROSS: Well I was going to let you decide.
RACHEL: Wellllll, I was thinking something romantic, just the two of
us, something we haven't done for a little while.
ROSS: [excited] Watch Dr Blackburns Look at fossils?
RACHEL: Honey
ROSS: I know, I was kidding, [Ross and Rachel snuggle up on the
central perk couch].
SCENE 9[Phoebe and Joey walking upstairs that go to the hallway
outside his and Chandlers apartment]
[Stopping outside the door to his apartment]
JOEY: I'm so glad Carol agreed to lend us Ben.
PHOEBE: [Giggling] Me too, cause its not like we could have told that Jeannie lady that aliens landed in our backyard last night and
abducted all three of our girls.
JOEY [Smiling] Though she did fall for the one about the other two
girls staying with their gran.
PHOEBE: I wonder if she believes anything you told her.... Like when
Ben needed is diaper changed, and Jeanie insisted on being the one to do it. Did you not see her cringe when she saw that the baby had
something it shouldn't have?
[Both Laugh]
[Joey takes Phoebes hands]
JOEY: Thanks for helping me again Pheebs. I couldn't have survived
without you. You really are more then a friend.
[Fall into each others hands and start kissing]
[Joeys apartment door opens, Chandler is there. When he sees his roommate kissing Phoebe his expression changes to bewilderment]
CHANDLER: Uhh
[Monica's apartment door opens and out walks Ross and Rachel. They are smiling until they see Phoebe and Joey kissing and they to stare with surprise]
ROSS AND RACHEL: Uhhh
[Phoebe and Joey stop Kissing]
JOEY AND PHOEBE: Ohhh
[Final Scene: Monica waiting with Rachel to see if the colour says she is pregnant or not.]
MONICA: God I couldn't believe how long it took me to pee! I waited all day so I'd have lots, just in case. How long to go?
RACHEL: 33 seconds.
MONICA: Should we look, see if the colour is appearing yet?
RACHEL: Well we can if you want.
[They go to walk towards bathroom]
MONICA: [Grabs Rachel] NO! We'll wait. How many seconds now?
RACHEL: 5_.4
BOTH: 3__2__..1
MONICA: Okay, how are you counting, like clock time or extra fast.
[They both just stand there looking at each other]
RACHEL: Look calm down Monica. Do you want me to go in with you?
MONICA: Ok. [Cut to them in bathroom, Monica lifts up strip that has
been used for test]
MONICA: [Lets out a huge sigh, we cannot tell if the sigh means positive or negative]
RACHEL: [Takes Monica in her arms]
FADE___
