Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Sitcom Night Wheres the Beef?<BR>
<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater
 We see Wonder Year “Ninth Grade Man"
 on screen)
<BR>
<BR>
Opening Sequence  -  Pictures of amoebae, volcanoes and dinosaurs.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: This and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 minutes!<BR>

<BR>
NARRATOR: Once upon a time life was simple.
 Evolutionarily speaking. Then things began to change. The competition got
 tougher. There were winners and ... losers. The struggle continued. Then
 in fall of 1970, a new creature appeared - the likes of which has been
 never seen before. Noble, upright, virtuous. Ninth grade man. Master of
 all he surveyed. Which in this case was Woody's Pizza Barn where the elite
 went to meet. Yup, by the last week of summer I was feeling pretty good
 about myself. Life seemed to be full of promise, full of hope, full of

. . .
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: What? Dont keep us in suspense.<BR>
<BR>

[Kevin brings the ice tea to the table where
 Winnie and Paul are waiting.]
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: (as Torgo) May I take your order sir?<BR>
<BR>
PAUL: Patchy dry spots! I'm getting patchy
 dry spots.
 [He touches his face.]
 <BR>
<BR>
Tom: I feel geeky today
<BR>

KEVIN: Relax, Paul. You're just having
 back-to-school jitters. By tomorrow you'll be fine.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Hell if hes not gonna change now, he aint never going to tomorrow.<BR>
<BR>

PAUL: Sure. Only . . . What if something
 goes wrong? What if I wear the wrong clothes? What if I forget . . .
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: ...my name.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Paul!
<BR>

PAUL: I got to go put up some ointment.
[He leaves.]
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: I didnt need to know that.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Well, not everyone shared my
 sense of well-being. That was understandable. Not everyone had a steady
 girl like mine. Winnie Cooper. So long as we had each other, we had nothing
 to fear.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Except each other.<BR>
<BR>
WINNIE: I am scared.
<BR>

KEVIN: What?
<BR>

WINNIE: Who I am.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: (as Winnie) I am whinny, hear me roar...<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Winnie, stop worrying. Everybody's
 gonna like you.
<BR>
<BR>
All: (scoff)<BR>
Tom: Uh huh.<BR>
<BR>

WINNIE: That's easy for you to say. You're
 not starting in a new school. All the strange classrooms. The strange people.
 And you'll be so far away. You won't not forget about me, will you?
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: (sings) Dont you forget about me, I’ll be alone, dancing, you know it baby.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: What?
<BR>

WINNIE: Will you think about me?
<BR>

KEVIN: Of course I'll think about you.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: I’ll think about you when I’m looking at another girl.<BR>
<BR>

WINNIE: Think about me every hour on the
 hour. And I'll think about you.
<BR>

KEVIN: Winnie.
<BR>

WINNIE: Promise? Every hour?
<BR>

KEVIN: I promise.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Geez! Insecure!<BR>
[Winnie leans at him.]
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: I have a secret. <BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: Sure. I'd promise her the world.
 Why not? I was ninth grade man. I was ready. For anything.
<BR>


<BR>

Tom: You’d almost half to be around here.<BR>
<BR>
IN SCHOOL AT THE LOCKERS
 <BR>
[Tony Barbella stands in front of the lockers. Paul stands beside.]
<BR>

TONY: This is mine.
<BR>

NARRATOR: Make that almost anything.
<BR>

KEVIN: Tony?
<BR>

PAUL: Barbella?
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Pyschadella?<BR>
<BR>
TONY: Welcome back.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Kotter!<BR>
<BR>

PAUL [to
 Kevin]: I thought he graduated...
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Well, you do have to have your school dillweeds and jerks.<BR>
<BR>
TONY: I graduate every year.
<BR>

PAUL: Oh.
<BR>

TONY: And this is MY locker.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Who died and made him locker king?<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: Great. Three minutes into the
 new year and the first base I see belongs on the wall of the post office.
 Still, I could handle this.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Yeah, right.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Uh. No, I don't think so, Tony,
 you see, that's your locker. Over there. Remember?
<BR>

TONY: Oh, yeah.
<BR>

KEVIN: Yeah.
<BR>

NARRATOR: There. Simple reasoning. Solid
 logic.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Seems reasonable.<BR>
<BR>

TONY: So I guess I got two now, huh? Lucky
 me.
<BR>

KEVIN: Ya, but.
<BR>

TONY: Do you think you could deal with
 that? But because if you can't, I'm gonna have to take your thumb
 and bend it back to your elbow.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Ow!<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: Seems that Tony had a logic of
 his own.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Theres a Tony in every school.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Help yourself.
<BR>

NARRATOR: After all, no sense letting one
 gorilla ruin my whole day.
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: You know he really should have tried a few bananas if hes a gorrilla.<BR>
<BR>
[Tony closes the locker and leaves. The bell
 rings.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: I had places to go. Things to
 do. Lockers to find...
<BR>

[Kevin opens a locker. Becky Slater slaps it
 and looks at him.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: People to meet.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Ways to embarress myself.<BR>
<BR>
BECKY: THIS is MY locker.
<BR>

KEVIN: Becky! Hi!
<BR>

NARRATOR: Becky Slater. Once my Nemesis,
 but now just a good friend.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Lets see how long this lasts.<BR>
<BR>
BECKY: I hate you, Kevin!
<BR>

KEVIN: What? Why?
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Two seconds not bad.<BR>
<BR>
BECKY: As if you didn't know!
<BR>

KEVIN: What?
<BR>

BECKY: Don't play dumb with me, Kevin.
You introduced us.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Gee, what a crime. We’re not bad people.<BR>
<BR>
[She opens the locker for herself. Paul and
 Kevin walk slowly away.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: That answered that. With just
 one little question ...
<BR>

KEVIN [to Paul]: What is
 she talking about?
 <BR>

<BR>
Tom: Who knows. Is it plot related?<BR>
<BR>
PAUL: Craig Hobson. Didn't you hear? He
 dropped her. Everybody knows at school.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Yeah but how is it his fault?<BR>
<BR>

BECKY [slaps the locker door again and
 yells]: This is your fault! But I don't get mad -I get even!
<BR>

[She hits Kevin and Paul and leaves.]
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: We had one of her at my school today.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Kind a like having your own personal
 welcome wagon waiting at the door.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Just waiting to mow you down.<BR>
<BR>


IN THE CLASSROOM
<BR>
CLASS: I pledge allegiance to the flag of
 the United States of America...
<BR>

NARRATOR: Okay. Things are starting off
 a little bumpy. I wasn't worried. I had more important things to do. Like
 think about Winnie.
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: The pooh?<BR>
<BR>
[The clock shows 7:58 a.m.]
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Do you know where your children are?<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: ... and justice for all.
<BR>

NARRATOR: Yup, In just two minutes she'd
 be thinking about me. Poor kid, all alone in a new school. I can only hope
 someone would be nice enough to say...
<BR>

<BR>
All: Say you, say me.<BR>
<BR>
[Kevin sees a beautiful girl for the first
 time. ]
<BR>

NARRATOR: Haw... haw... Uh...
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Pretty girlie.<BR>
<BR>

[Madeline drops a pencil. Kevin gets it.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: Gulp!
<BR>

KEVIN: Excuse me. You are... dropped this.
 And I... hmm... eh... picked... picked it up. For you. Kevin.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Can I just stammer at you for awhile?<BR>
<BR>
[Kevin holds the pencil with his hand and Madeline
 holds it at the other end.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: Fact!! Lead conducts electricity.
<BR>

[Electrical noises. Pause.]
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Nope, no connection whatsoever.<BR>
<BR>

MADELINE: I wonder whether you could help
 me. Is this class at the other side of the quad?
<BR>

KEVIN: Ah... Yeah. Ya, just down to the
 left.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Over there.<BR>
<BR>
MADELINE: Thank you
[She turns back.]
<BR>

KEVIN [low voice]: You bet.
<BR>

[The bell rings and it is 8:02 a.m.]
<BR>

KEVIN: Darn it.
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: Watch the language kid.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Okay. So I dropped the ball.
 Just being hospitable. Winnie would understand.<BR>


PAUL [to Kevin]: I don't
 understand this.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Whos not surprised.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Huh...?
<BR>

PAUL: My schedule! Look what they gave
 me. Chemistry!
<BR>

KEVIN: So, what's wrong with that!?
<BR>

PAUL: Are you kidding? Don't you know what
 happens if I get into chemicals? I am allergic to soap!
<BR>

KEVIN: Paul.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: You’re a weirdo<BR>
<BR>

PAUL: I knew this year would be a disaster.
What did you get?
<BR>
KEVIN: Uh. Let me see.
<BR>

PAUL: I bet you got something neat. Like
 astronomy or physics.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Or lunch! Lunch is easy to pass.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Sure, something neat. Like, say
 ... industrial arts??
<BR>
<BR>
All: Wheeee.<BR>
<BR>
THE INDUSTRIAL ARTS ROOM
<BR>
[Kevin enters the Industrial Arts room. Lots of
 machinery.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: Shop? It was encouraging to know
 that the board of education had such confidence in my intellectual prowess.
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Well we already know how smart this guy is, why cant we fast forward?<BR>
Crow: Dr F stole the remote control.<BR>
<BR>

STUDENT: Hey, hey. Don't stand next to
 that machine!
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Hey! I’m not just a machine!<BR>
Crow: He meant the crude looking device.<BR>
Tom: Oh ok.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: What? Why?
<BR>

STUDENT: (Noise) That baby ate Ray Spike's
 index fingers. It's kind of a shrine. You are new here, aren't you?
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Baby huey?<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Yeah. But by mistake.
<BR>

STUDENT: Ha. That's what they all say...
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: This guys is cool, I would have been this guy if I was in school.<BR>
Tom: Cool yeah but you couldnt ever play the piano.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: No really! See there's been
 a mistake on my schedule.
<BR>

NARRATOR: If it had been a blueprint, this
 kid might have been able to read it. But since it was in English, it was
 pretty obvious, this kid didn't have a clue.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Colonel Mustard did it in the Industrial Arts room with a hacksaw!<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Is there a teacher here?
<BR>

STUDENT: Ah, yeah, Nestor. But you don't
 wanna talk to Nestor.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Sure he wants to talk to the reject.<BR>
Tom: Thats not nice.<BR>
Crow: I meant Kevin.<BR>
Tom: Oh.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Of course I did. After all he
 was a teacher, an employee of the public school system.
<BR>
KEVIN: Where is he?
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: With Carmen Sandiago<BR>
<BR>

STUDENT: Over there!
<BR>

[Kevin sees old Mr. Nestor in midst of a group
 of students. He lifts a big piece of equipment as a demonstration of his
 strength.]
<BR>

MR. NESTOR: Awright. Let's go. I got it.
 It's up. It's clear.<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Actually its partly cloudy.<BR>
<BR>
[The students go back.]
<BR>

KEVIN: Uh, Mr. Nestor?
<BR>

MR. NESTOR: Yo.
<BR>

<BR>
All: Adrian!<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Hi. I am Kevin Arnold.
<BR>

MR. NESTOR: That's so?
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Hey, if he hasnt figured out who he is by now, theres no hope for him.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: Yeah. I wanna speak with you about
 my schedule.
<BR>
MR. NESTOR: Schedule? Ha?
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: We dont need no stinking schedules.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Yes, Sir. About this class.

<BR>
MR. NESTOR: This class? Ha?
<BR>

KEVIN: [shouting] Well, I think,
possibly, there's been a mistake.
<BR>

MR. NESTOR: Mistake. Ha?
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Hes found of Ha! huh?<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Okay. So far, so good. So far
 as I can tell.
<BR>

KEVIN: Yeah, well. The fact is that I am
 not very good in Industrial Arts. I think I'd be better at something like
 chemistry.

MR. NESTOR [to a student]:
 Martha! Your eyes, watch your eyes! Bullethead.

 [to Kevin]: Oh, where were we?
<BR>

KEVIN: Well, as silly as it sounds. I think
 they've got the wrong Arnold.
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: Schwartenegger signed up for this classs.<BR>
<BR>
MR. NESTOR: Wrong Arnold. Ha?
<BR>

KEVIN: Uh, right. So...
<BR>

MR. NESTOR [to a student]:
 Burber! Not the screwdriver, the chisel. Idiot!
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Hes a kind and nuturing educator.<BR>
<BR>
MR. NESTOR [to Kevin]: So you want out? Is that it?
<BR>

KEVIN: Kind a. I mean if that would be
 all right with you.
<BR>

MR. NESTOR: Okay. I'll let you out.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: ...of the closet.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: There. Finally.
<BR>

MR. NESTOR: There is one thing though. You gotta arm wrestle me for it!
<BR>
<BR>

All: (groan)<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Aha. Things were starting off
 with a bang. And it wasn't even lunch yet.
<BR>


THE LUNCH ROOM AT SCHOOL
<BR>
[Many students. Kevin and Paul sit opposite of
 each other.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: If misery loves company, ...
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Misery will sure love them.<BR>
<BR>
PAUL: I'll tell you Kev, this is great!
<BR>

NARRATOR: I was hanging out with the wrong
 guy.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Come sit with us Kevin, we’ll find you a locker.<BR>
Crow: Tom ixnay!<BR>
<BR>

PAUL: Chemistry is such a fascinating science.
 The wonder of water. The mystery of fire.<BR>
<BR>


Tom: The power of Matthew Star.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Aha. Not to mention the remains of Ray Spike's finger!
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: If that ended up in the lunch, I’m gonna be sick.<BR>
<BR>
PAUL: If fact, even that seemingly ordinary
 fish stick is in reality a miraculous lattice work...
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Shut up that Paul guy.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: Paul!
<BR>

PAUL: Huh?
<BR>

KEVIN: Will you cut it out? I am
 going to try to eat here.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: Even if he wasnt eating he should cut it out anyway.<BR>
<BR>
PAUL: Well, sorry.
<BR>

KEVIN: (Sigh). I need a locker.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: He needs more than that. Man!<BR>
<BR>
PAUL: Well, there's got to be an empty
 one somewhere.
<BR>

KEVIN: I know... May be I can share yours?
<BR>

PAUL: Mine?
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Not a mine, a locker.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: Yes, sure. Why not?
<BR>

PAUL: Oh, well, I guess I can make some
 room...
<BR>

KEVIN: Great!
<BR> 

PAUL: ... in the back, in the corner. Exactly,
 how long are you going to be staying?
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Forever.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: Oh, never mind.
<BR>

PAUL: Come on, Kev. It's not so bad. Things
 will work out.
<BR>

KEVIN: Yeah, it's easy for you.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Youre not the main character.<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: Still, maybe Paul had a point.
The day was only half over. May it was the matter of seeing the glass half
 full...
<BR>
<BR>

Mike:  Of Sunny D!<BR>
<BR>
[Kevin holds up a half-full milk container.
Suddenly Becky Slater stands in front of him and takes it.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: ..or half empty...
<BR

[Becky Slater empties it on his lunch.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: ... or completely empty.
<BR>

BECKY: I hate men!
<BR>

[Becky turn and walks off.]
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: I see militant lesbianism in her future.<BR>

<BR>
IN THE CLASSROOM
<BR>
MRS. FALCINELLA (teacher): Bonjour la classe!
<BR>

CLASS: Bonjour Madame!
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Oui!<BR>

<BR>
MRS. FALCINELLA: Bonjour la classe!
<BR>

CLASS: Bonjour Madame!
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Did the tape just lap itself.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Now, here was something hopeful for me. Shop was foreign for me. French was simply a language I didn't
 understand
.<BR>b

<BR>
Crow: But lets not get our hopes up.<BR>
<BR>
MRS. FALCINELLA: Class, this year we will
 try something new. From now on we are only going to speak en fran&ccedil;ais.
 Ce bien?<BR>


CLASS [low voice]: Oh ...
<BR>

MRS. FALCINELLA: Who would like to go first?
 Guillomme?
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Benson?<BR>
<BR>
[One student stands up.]
<BR>

MRS. FALCINELLA: Comment-allez vous aujourd'hui?
<BR>

GUILLOMME: Verrer-soccerre?<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Oh, uh, okay uh.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Aha, things were getting back
 to normal and I wasn't going to miss my one o'clock 'think of Winnie' promise..
<BR>

[The clock in the classroom shows 3 minutes
 to 1. We see Madeline behind Kevin's left shoulder.]
<BR>

MRS. FALCINELLA: Mademoiselle? Dites-moi
 votre nom! S'Ill vous plait?
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: I dont get this. Can we leave?<BR>
<BR>
MADELINE: Je m'appelle Madeleine.
<BR>

[Kevin is surprised and turns around.]
<BR>

MRS. FALCINELLA: C'est excellent, Mademoiselle.
<BR>

MADELINE: Merci beaucoup.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Lets sit this one out.<BR>
<BR>
MRS. FALCINELLA: Dites-nous o&ugrave; habitiez-vous
l'ann&eacute;e derni&egrave;re?
<BR>

MADELINE:Alors, j'ai habiteacute; agrave;
 Lyon, agrave; la midi de la France. J'aime beaucoup voyager avec mon pegrave;re.
<BR>

[Kevin turns back to the front.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: And suddenly I understood why
 French was the language of diplomacy, of poetry, of romance..
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Of crap!<BR>

<BR>
[Kevin puts his eyes on Madeline again and
 stands up.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: .. of amore..
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Like a big a-pizza pie huh?<BR>
<BR>

[Lights come up behind Kevin and Madeline.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: Suddenly I understood every single
word..
<BR>

MADELINE: J'ai attendu toute ma vie pour
 toi.
<BR>
[Subtitle: I've waited for you all my life.]
<BR>

KEVIN: Voulez-vous de beurre?
<BR>

[Subtitle: Do you want some butter?]
<BR>

<BR>
Crow and Tom fall asleep<BR>
<BR>
MADELINE: A l'instant je t'ai vu, je n'ai
 su qu'il etait personne d'autre.
<BR>
[Subtitle: The moment I saw you I knew there
 was no one else.]

<BR>
KEVIN: Voulez-vous de beurre?
 
<BR>
[Subtitle: Do you want some butter?]
<BR>

MADELINE: Mon coeur est toute pleine de
 toi.
<BR>

[Subtitle: You fill my heart.]
<BR>

MADELINE: J'ai en pens&eacute; &agrave;
 toi. (Very unclear pronunciation)
<BR>

[Subtitle: .. You haunt my mind.]
 <BR>

KEVIN: Voulez-vous de beurre?
<BR>

[Subtitle: Do you want some butter?]
<BR>
<BR>

Mike wakes Tom and Crow up.<BR>
Mike: Come on guys!<BR>
Crow: Is it over yet?<BR>
Mike: Nope.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Hey, that was the only thing
 I knew in French.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: I was french in my former robot life?<BR>
Crow: Ok and .... .what???<BR>
<BR>
MADELINE: Kevin! (With a French accent)
<BR>

KEVIN: Madeline! (With an American accent)
<BR>

MRS. FALCINELLA: Kevin!!

[Kevin turns around.]
<BR>

MRS. FALCINELLA: En fran&ccedil;ais, s'il
 vous plait! [the class laughs]
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: (sings “Alouette”)<BR>
<BR>
[Smiling Madeline sits down. The bell rings.
 The clock shows 1.03 p.m.]
<BR>
NARRATOR: Darn it! This much was clear
 - in any language.
<BR>
[The students leave the classroom.]
<BR>


IN FRONT OF A DOOR LABELED "GUIDANCE COUNSELOR"
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: This kid is beyond help.<BR>
Tom: Yeah.<BR>
<BR>
[Kevin stands on the outside. We see him through
 the glass door.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: I needed help. I had to take
 action, seek answers.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: But in the form of a question.<BR>
<BR>

[He knocks at the glass part of the door.]
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: (makes glass breaking sound)
<BR>
A male voice: Come in.
<BR>
<BR>

Mike: Hey buddy that is not the guidance he needs.<BR>
<BR>
[He enters. There is a sign on the desk Mrs.
Dalla Betta.]
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: What the counselor just came back from his sex change?<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: Yup, this is what I needed. A man of wisdom, a man of vision. A man...
<BR>

[The chair turns and Kevin sees Cutlip wearing
 a red baseball cap with a white K. ]
<BR>

NARRATOR: ... who taught gym.
<BR>
<BR>

All: (scream)<BR>
<BR>
MR. CUTLIP: Ah, Arnold.
<BR>

KEVIN: Mr. Cutlip? (puzzled)
<BR>

MR. CUTLIP: What can I do for you? (friendly)
<BR>

<BR>
Tom: Yeah, tell me why YOU are here.<BR>
<BR>
KEVIN: I uh... I came to see the guidance
 counselor. Is he in?
<BR>

MR. CUTLIP: Mrs. Dalla Beta is the regular
 guidance man. I'm just filling in. Temporarily 'til December. Can it wait?
<BR>
KEVIN: Uh, well ... umm...
<BR>
MR. CUTLIP: Relax, Arnold. Take a load
 off. Have a seat.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: (triess to take chair. Others look at him) Well he said take a seat.<BR>
<BR>
[Kevin sits down.]
<BR>

MR. CUTLIP: Right. I understand your hesitation.
You're thinking, Ed Cutlip, a crack physical education instructor. What's
  a man of action like him doing in a swivel chair? Am I right?
<BR>
<BR>
All: Yep.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: Uh-oh<BR>

MR. CUTLIP: Unusual? May be. Unexpected?
 Certainly. But think of it this way, Arnold, there might be more in this
 old bean than meets the eye. May be I can even help.
<BR>

NARRATOR: The way he said it, for one moment,
 I actually wondered if he could help.
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: But I dont think so.<BR>
<BR>
MR. CUTLIP: Peanut?
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: What you call me?<BR>

<BR>
[He points to a bowl of peanuts.]
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Oh!<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: No. No, thanks.
<BR>

MR. CUTLIP: Come on, son. What is it?
<BR>

KEVIN: It's 9th grade.
<BR>

MR. CUTLIP [low voice]: Aha.
<BR>

<BR>
Mike: Ahhh.<BR>
<BR>
[Cutlip puts on glasses and takes notes.]
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (gets up and reads) Milk, eggs, bread....<BR>

<BR>
KEVIN: It's not turning out the way I thought
 it would. I do not have a locker. And my classes are all wrong and ...
<BR>

MR. CUTLIP: I see!
<BR>

KEVIN: You do?
<BR>

MR. CUTLIP: It's a complex problem. But
 there's a simple solution.
<BR>

KEVIN: There is?
<BR>
<BR
Crow: Amazing, this could have been over ten minutes ago.<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: May be I had him wrong. May be
 there was more to Ed Cutlip than met the eye.
<BR>

KEVIN: So, what do we do now?
<BR>

MR. CUTLIP [takes out his whistle and
 says loudly]: Laps!
<BR>

[Kevin turns upright.]
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ok. This is fun.<BR>

ON THE SPORTS GROUND
<BR>
[Kevin runs laps.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: Well, think of it this way. Every
 cloud has a silver lining. The way this day was going, I was probably better
 off being alone.
<BR>

<BR>
Crow: How long did it take for him to figure that out.<BR>
<BR>
[A group of girls comes from the back.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: And suddenly I knew what Custer
 felt like.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: You mean scalped and all that? I don’t see the connection.<BR>
<BR>

[Becky Slater runs up to Kevin, while the group
 is stopping.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: Great Sitting Bull himself. And
 she was gaining on me. Instinctively I knew. This was a challenge, a test
 - and I was up to it.
<BR>
<BR>

Tom: Runningfrom a girl, that is so him.<BR>
<BR>
[Becky takes the lead.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: Sure, it was dumb. But at that
 moment, all I knew was: I had to win! I pulled up even. I pulled ahead.
<BR>

[The girls are cheering.]
<BR>
NARRATOR: As we rounded that final turn,
 I felt like I had wings. Sure, may be, I couldn't find a locker. Maybe
 I was stuck in shop. But I was gonna beat this girl. I was gonna win this

race.
 
[Kevin crosses the finish line first.]
<BR>
<BR>
All: Whoooo!<BR>

NARRATOR: This was going to be a massacre.
 Hey. No hard feelings, hah "Slates"?
<BR>

[He goes over to Becky who looks angry and
 punches him in his stomach. He falls down on his back and holds his belly
 in pain. Becky and the girls turn and leave.]
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Now that was uncalled for. Its not his fault she got dumped. Looking at her now
you can see why.<BR>
<BR>

NARRATOR: And that about did it. The perfect
 end to a perfect day.
Suddenly a female voice: Kevin?
 [Madeline looks at him from above, the sun
 in her back.]
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (as Jerry Lewis) Nice lady, dont hit me again.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: Madeline?
<BR>

NARRATOR: She'd seen the whole thing, the
 whole humiliating episode! It was pretty clear that she'd come over to
 laugh at me.
<BR>

[Kevin sits up and Madeline bows down.]
<BR>

MADELINE: I just came over to thank you...
<BR>

KEVIN: Huh?
<BR>

MADELINE: ... for being nice to me. You
 don't know how hard it is to be the new girl at school.
<BR>
[She gives him a gentle kiss on his lips, stands
 up and leaves.]
<BR>
<BR>

Crow: She must be new. She wouldnt have done that.<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: And then it happened. Something
 inside of me snapped.
<BR>


BACK IN SCHOOL. THE GANGWAY TO THE LOCKERS
<BR>
[Kevin enters the gangway with a firm expression. He does not care about Paul.]
<BR>

PAUL: Kev?
<BR>

KEVIN: Later.
<BR>

NARRATOR: I had enough. I've been pushed
 too far. And I knew what I had to do.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: He’s gonna kick butt!<BR>

<BR>
[Tony works at his locker.]
<BR>

KEVIN: Hey, Barbella, I want my locker
 back. NOW!
<BR>


ON THE SIDEWALK AT NIGHT
<BR>
[Kevin walks slowly.]
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (as Kevin) Ow ow ow, oooh ow ow ow.<BR>

<BR>
NARRATOR: Ninth grade man. Noble, upright,
 virtuous. I went into my last year of Junior High thinking I knew all the
answers. And suddenly all I had was questions. Plus a dislocated thumb.
 It's funny. I remember the time when I knew who I was. But that was eight

hours ago. Suddenly I felt on the outside, looking in, looking for... Winnie.
<BR>
<BR>
All: Nach.<BR>

[Kevin looks through the window of a pizza
 place and discovers Winnie sitting alone at a table and smiling and waving
 at him. He waves back, enters and takes the seat next to her. "Be My Baby"
 is playing on the jukebox in the background]
<BR>
WINNIE: Hi.
<BR>

KEVIN: Hi.
<BR>
WINNIE: How was your day?
<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (as Winnie) Whos that guy? The narrator?<BR>
<BR>
NARRATOR: I wanted to tell her everything,
 every bit of it. All the setbacks, all the screw-ups.
<BR>
KEVIN: Fine.
<BR>

NARRATOR: Heck. I knew she'd understand.
<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Well at least thats nice.<BR>
<BR>

KEVIN: How about yours?
<BR>

WINNIE: Okay.
<BR>

[She leans at him with eyes closed. The music:
 "Be my baby" plays louder.]
<BR>

NARRATOR: After all when you are 14, you
 can always put words into life. All I know was: I felt home again.
<BR>

[Madeline enters and walks over on her way
 to the jukebox in the back. Kevin looks shortly at her. At the jukebox,
 Madeline glances back to Kevin.]
<BR>

<BR>
WINNIE: You don't know how hard it is to
 be the new girl at school.
<BR>
<BR>
Crow: First hed have to be a girl.<BR>
Tom: Let’s go.<BR>
<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area.)<BR>
Tom: Hey look , a message on the Hexfield view screen. (reads typed message) “Congrats youve successfully completed your Wonder Years session and are still awake. Well dont, but dont think youre getting anything out of this cause your not.”<BR>
Crow: How nice. NOT!<BR>
Mike:  Oh well, back to sleep.<BR>
Tom: Yeah but who knows what we wil be forced to watch next.<BR>
Crow: Id prefer not to think about it.<BR>
Tom: Okay.<BR>
<BR>



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