Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Sitcom night - The Surfing Safari<BR>
<BR>
(We see Mike and the bots in another part of the ship. It is the ships embillicus that attaches the ship to our favorite evil masters below, Dr F and TV’s Frank. It’s april fools day and we all know what that means)<BR>
<BR>
Tom and Crow: This is  gonna be so cool!<BR>
Mike: What are you guys doing.<BR>
Tom: Oh we are sending Dr F a nice present.<BR>
Crow: 5,000 cream pies in the face.<BR>
Mike: Oh guys thats not nice.<BR>
Crow: WE know that. It wouldnt be a classic Tom and Crow prank if WE didn’t know
it was mean.<BR>
Mike: Ok guys, you can do it under one condition.<BR>
Tom and Crow: What?<BR>
Mike: That I get to do pie number 2525.<BR>
Crow: It’s a deal.<BR>
Mike: Where did you find stuff to make 5,000 pies from?<BR>
Tom: WE have our ways.<BR>
Mike: I’d rather not know then. Oh the mads are calling.<BR>
<BR>
(We see deep 13. Its all dressed up in party favors. Paul McCartney, of the Beatles
sits in a chair in the corner for no good rason.)<BR>
Dr F: Well hello, there Sky Rats. We’re celebrating the last episode of Seinfeled, it aired 25 years ago today. I have everyone here. Everyone but you, but of course you werent invited! (Laughs, Paul smiles.) Anyhoo, we will watch four classic episodes of Seinfeld beginning with
"The Pez Dispenser" episode. I apologize for the chunk that is missing, I taped Jerry Springers battle of the pimps and their mothers. Steel cage match, classic material you know.<BR>
Paul: Say ol chap can I have some vegetarian kippers?<BR>
Dr F: You werent paid to talk, Ringo.<BR>
Paul: But I’m not.<BR>
Dr F: Shhh! Or I will make you eat a whopper, veggie boy.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: I love Seinfeld.<BR>
Crow: Why?
Tom: Well...<BR>
Mike: We got sitcom sign, we can discuss this later!<BR>
<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater. The show
is already in progress)<BR>
<BR>
George: ...pianist.  A *classical* pianist.  She *plays* the piano.  She's a 
        *brilliant* woman.  I-I-I sat in her living room...  She played the 
        *Waldstein Sinata*!  The *Waldstein*!<BR>
<BR>
Tom: So he probably didn’t introduce his twelve inch pianist to her, eh?<BR>
<BR>
 George, giddy as a schoolgirl, does his best piano impression, complete
 with flailing, conducting arms.  He continues his tale of ribaldry...<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Is he helping bring a plane in?<BR>
<BR>
George: We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*.  It was the most fun  I ever had in my entire life.  Did you hear me?  in my *life*! Y'know?<BR>
<BR>
Crow and Tom look at Mike.<BR>
Mike: What? I can’t get the tv guide quiz done, let alone with someone watching me.<BR>
<BR>
 Jerry comes out of the bathroom, seemingly oblivious to G's ramblings...<BR>
Jerry:  Were you talking?  I couldn't hear anything.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: If we were only so lucky.<BR>
<BR>
George: I was telling you about Noel.<BR>
Jerry:  Oh, Noel!  Yeah, the one who plays bongos...<BR>
<BR>
Crow: So shes a rad cat, a hip chicky,a...<BR>
Mike: Ok!<BR>
<BR>
George: [sarcastically]  Heh heh heh...  So side-splittingly funny...<BR>
<BR>
All: Thank you.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  Alright, I'm sorry.  What about her?<BR>
George: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Thank god for that.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.<RB>
George: No everything is *not* going good.  I'm very uncomfortable. I have  no power.  I mean, why should she have the upper hand.  *Once* in  my life I would like the upper hand.  I have no hand-- no hand at  all.  She has the hand; I have *no* hand...<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Hey guys if we sneak out of here and never come back will anyone notice?<BR>
<BR>
 Jerry seems more interested in the ballgame on TV than what George is saying. George gets him a Diet Coke and asks for some advice from the  wise, old sage.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: But Ghandi is dead.<BR>
<BR>
George: How do I get the hand?<BR>
Jerry:  We all want the hand.  Hand is tough to get.  You gotta get the  hand right from the opening.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: We learn a lesson here folks.<BR>
Tom: That hand is important?<BR>
Mike: Nope. You have to watch a show from the beginning in order to know whats going on.
<BR>
George: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School.  You  wanna hear her play?  I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...<BR>
Jerry:  Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Something incredibly borin.<BR>
<BR>
George: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together.  Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.<BR>
Kramer enters <BR>
Kramer: Hey, smell my arm...  Smell it!<BR>
<BR>
All: Ewwww!<BR>
<BR>
George: With all due respect, I don't think so...<BR>
 Kramer shifts over to Jerry and offers his forearm....<BR>
Jerry:  That smells good, what is that?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Don’t ask!!!!<BR>
<BR>
Kramer: The *beach*!<BR>
Jerry:  The *beach*?<BR>
George: What, did you go swimmin'?  It's 29 degres out!<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Its pratically sweltering out.<BR>
<BR>
Kramer: I just joined the Polar Bear Club.<BR>
Jerry:  You joined the *Polar Bears*?!<BR>
George: What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Must be one of them fancy smancy discount deals.<BR>
<BR>
Kramer: Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter.  They're teriffic, I just took my first swim today.  Brrrrrrr!  It's invigorating....<BR>
Jerry:  Yeah...  So's shock therapy.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (does rimshot)<BR>
<BR>
 Kramer gets out a Tweety Pez dispenser. <BR>
Jerry:  [with glee]  What is that, a Pez dispenser?!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Well it says pez on the side, nope its a tic tac dispenser!<BR>
<BR>
Kramer: Want one?  Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Fleas make real good merchants.<BR>
Mike: Just don’t buy a dog from one.<BR>
<BR>
George: Hey, what goes on there, exactly?<BR>
Jerry:  You don't know?<BR>
George: No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his chinese take out]  I know...<BR>
Jerry:  You think they have fleas there, don't you?<BR>
George: *No*...<BR>
Jerry:  Yes you do, Biff.  You've never been to a Flea Makret, and you think they have fleas there.<BR>
George: Alright, I think they have fleas there.  So what...<BR>
<BR>
All: (Shrug)
<BR>
 The brute donates the Tweety to Jer (hey, he bought five of 'em), and we 
 skip ahead to Noel's recital.  Jerry, Elaine and George sit waiting for 
 the show to begin.  George sits nervously while J+E chat.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: (as Mitchell) What ya mean they don’t sell Schltiz here?<BR>
<BR>
Elaine: I don't know how anyone does this.  It must be *so* nerve racking...How do they warm up their fingers?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Little radiators.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  They have a piano backstage they warm up on.<BR>
Elaine: *No*, we would have heard it.<BR>
Jerry:  What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?<BR>
George: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay?  And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time.  It's not over yet.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: There goes my evening. I had an escape plan too.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  [quickly whispering]  I resent that you said that!  That's directed at *me*, isn't it?!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: (sits back alarmed) Sorry! So sensitive.<BR>
<BR>
 A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano.  Everyone applauds,
 including Jerry who claps while verifying with George: Jerry:  Is this okay?  Can I do this?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Knock yourself out babe.<BR>
<BR>
 Noel begins.  Dramatically.  It's enough to make a man reach for his  candy pooper.  Jerry helps himself to a Pez, unfortunately, he also  decides that this would be a good time to stand Tweety up on Elaine's  purse on her lap.  Elaine valiantly tries to hold back her laughter,
 but it escalates from a giggle to a chortle to a chuckle to laughter  to snorting.  Noel is visibly shaken and she has difficulty playing  with this anonymous distraction from one of the unwashed masses.  Elaine  relieves herself from the auditorium, all the while snorting and gasping 
 for breath, (we're talkin' full-on gales of laughter, here).  Outside,  she runs into an old acquaintance.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Ooops, sorry wrong set.<BR>
<BR>
John:   Something I said?  [no response]  It's John... Mollika.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Mollika, Pollicka, whatever.<BR>
<BR>
Elaine: Oh, oh, *John*...  Oh, hi John...  Hi...<BR>
John:   What're you doing down here?<BR>
 Elaine goes on to recount the tale of how Jerry put a Pez dispenser on  her leg, causing her to break up laughing  John goes on to  ask about Elaine's love-life, etc. <BR>
<BR>
Tom: That story fizzled, lets go on folks!<BR>
<BR>
 Meanwhile, Tweety now occupies Elaine's seat back in the theatre,  standing erect and proud where Elaine once sat, much to George's chagrin.<BR>
Back outside, Elaine asks about Richie Appel (a mutual friend of John  and Jerry and Elaine).   Richie has been doing drugs so  Elaine suggests doing an "Intervention" where close friends come by and  convince the addict to seek therapy.  John thinks this is a marvelous
 idea, as long as Jerry is involved 'cuz "he *really* respects Jerry" who  is at this point making Tweety applaud inside as the recital is over. We cut to back inside as G+J+E are waiting outside Noel's dressing room  door.<BR>
<BR>
All (Eyes are starting to glaze over)<BR>
Crow: This was on for 9 years?<BR>
Tom: We would have watched Friends.<BR>
<BR>
Elaine: I'm sorry.  George, I'm sorry!<BR>
George: What did you put the Pez dispense on her leg for in the first  place?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Cause the writer made us.<BR>
Crow: Mike, Seinfled writes most of the episodes.<BR>
Miek: Oh.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  I dunno, it was an impulse.<BR>
George: What kind of a sick impulse does that??<BR>
Jerry:  How could I know she would start to laugh?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Cause it was ironic.(Looks at guys) Isnt it?<BR>
<BR>
Elaine: I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I *am*!<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (sings I am I said)<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  Can we just go in already?<BR>
George: What are we gonna tell her?<BR>
Elaine: I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.<BR>
George: No, don't say a word.  If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a *jerk*...<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Well we can save ourselves a step.<BR>
<BR>
Elaine: [To Jerry]  Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.<BR>
Jerry:  What about?<BR>
George: Hey, hey!  We're discussing something!<BR>
<BR>
Mike: What though?<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  I know, but I'm distracted now.<BR>
George: What are you?  A *baby*!?<BR>
 Elaine starts to tell of her meeting with John, but George quickly cuts in:<BR>
George: Uh, can we cut to the chase?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Too late now.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  "Cut to the chase"?<BR>
George: Yeah...<BR>
Jerry:  What're you, "Joe Hollywood"?
<BR>
Mike: Actually hes George Hollywood.<BR>
<BR>
George: A lot of people say it.<BR>
Jerry:  I would lose that.<BR>
George: [Accusingly]  What's *that*?<BR>
Jerry:  That's not a Hollywood expression!<BR>
George: [Realising full well it isn't]  ...Yes it is.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Mommy hes mean.<BR>
<BR>
 Elaine continues and tells Jerry about Ritchie, but George excitedly cuts  in:<BR>
George: Y'know people, we got a situation here!<BR>
<BR>
Mike: We gotta do something.<BR>
Crow: Dont we have a remote?<BR>
<BR>
 Elaine ignores George and continues to explain the situation to Jerry, who
 is distracted by that darned Pez dispenser...<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Its around the couch somewhere.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  Y'know these things are *really* hard to load...<RB>
 They go into the dressing room and J+E are introduced to Noel.  All of 
 G+J+E compliment Noel on her playing.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: I can’t take no more. The remote has to be here somewhere.<BR>
Tom: Mike look for it please.<BR>
Mike: Why me?<BR>
Crow: Cause we cant get up. Dr F magetized us to the seat.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  You play a *Hell* of a piano.<BR>
Elaine: Yeah, I was really moved, *really* moved.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Well my stomach is moving right now.<BR>
<BR>
Noel:   Well didn't you hear that person laughing?  I couldn't play.  I was
        *humiliated*...<BR>
Elaine: Well, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you.<BR>
Noel:   Well then, what was she laughing at?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (As Elaine) She was laughing with you.<BR>
<BR>
Jerry:  Pez?<BR>
Noel:   No thank you.<BR>
 <BR>
(We see Mike get up amd rummage for something)
Mike: Found it!<BR>
Tom: I hope it still works. We got discount batteries you know.<BR>
Crow:  Hurry and change it!<BR>
Mike: (finger on the button) Here goes......<RB>
<BR>
(We see screen go blank as we hear Mikes last word.)
Mike: ....nothing!<BR>
<BR>



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