Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Sitcom Night- Surfing USA
(We see Mike change channel. The name Andy Dick appears on the screen)
Crow: (scoffs) Like they expect us to believe thats a real name.
(Mike changes channel again. Home Improvement is on)
Tim: O.K. Now that we've finished clamping our stool and the glue is set, let's move on [Al picks up the stool. The seat remains on the bench] to our table top. [Tim walks over to the table top] I'm gonna show you how to do a dato head cut move today. [Al puts the stool legs down] Now a dato is just a carpenter's term for a groove cut into wood, and if you use the word dato, [Al puts the stool seat with the legs] your wife will think you're real intelligent, right Al?
Tom: Looking at this I suddenly want to build something.
Crow: Looking at this I suddenly want to beat the crap out of Bob Vila.
Al: I'm not married, Tim.
Tim: Well, if you use it in a conversation, y'know, maybe you'll get lucky! [Al looks at Tim and then nods] For cutting that dato, we're gonna be using something that looks a lot like this. [Lisa enters with the tool and gives it to Tim]
Mike: See, shes giving the tool to the tool.
Lisa: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Ha-ha. [The audience "Oohs". Lisa leaves. Tim looks down at himself, thinking the ooh is for him, not Lisa] Thank you! This isthe Binford Mark 3 Super-plunge Router. [Grunts] Ohh! A thing of beauty, isn't it? Three horsepower motor, variable electronic speed control, [Al gets the power lead] and adjustable depth stop system. When using a router, you want to use a real steady hand. [Al plugs in the router]
Al: Well, you might wanna use the guide arm, Tim, so it doesn't get
away from you.
Tom: I don’t think hes gonna listen to him now.
Tim: Would you t-. You don't always have to use the guide arm if you
have a steady hand.
Al: Well, if you want a straight line, Tim.
Tim: Al, I've been doing this for years, alright? Just hold the table,
right? [Al holds the table top steady]
Crow: Everyone run!
Al: O.K.
Tim: Starter cut, set your depth gauge, and get going. [Tim starts the router. It starts straight and then shoots wildly all over the table top. Al moves back out of the way. Tim pulls the router off
the table. Tim stops the router and puts it down on the table. He examines the groove and measures the depth.] Perfect, Al. Does a good job of scrolling, er. While Al cleans up this deliberate messof mine, [Tim walks over to the bench] I'd like to, uh, welcome a
new family member to "Tool Time," [Tim takes off his goggles] Alpena, Michigan. Cold in the winter, pretty cold in the summertoo, isn't it [Tim laughs] up there? I kid around with you. It's
channel 97 there on your cable box, and I'd like to give the folks up there [Al comes over to Tim] in Alpena, Al, Al, there he is, a"Tool Time" greeting. What d'you say, Al? [Al and Tim salute. Tim grunts] Uhh! Uhh! C'mon guys! Uhh!
Audience: Uhh-uhh-uhh-uhh!
All: (Gagging.)
Tim: Well, I'll tell you, that's about all for "Tool Time" today. [Tim takes off his tool belt and hands it to Al] I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, [Tim gets his jacket] hoping that all your fastners stay tight! [Tim and Al wave and leave. The "Tool Time" theme music plays. The audience starts to leave]
Tom: Lets go too.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk.)
Tom: Wow! We can control the screen now.
Crow: So many possibilities.
Mike: Okay, so wheres the remote?
Tom and Crow look around. Tom picks it up.
Crow: Oh no, the batteries disintergrated.
Mike: Well that was fun while it lasted.
Tom: Dr F is calling.
(We see Deep 13.)
Dr F: Thats what happens when you buy discount batteries. Push the button Frank.
(Frank pushes the button. We hear Dr F)
Dr F: So Paul what was the whole Paul is dead thing about?
