(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater)
[Scene 4: The park, the gang is returning to play the second half of the game.]
Ross: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?!
Crow: Yeah, do tell, I want to know what store to avoid.
Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out.
Ross: That cup is mine!
Monica: No it’s not! You want it, you’re gonna have to win it!
Tom: I can’t see how anyone would want anything that ugly.
Rachel: All right, so are we not having dinner at all?
Monica: Come on Phoebe, let’s go! Come on, it’s time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game.
Mike: Don’t ask too much of him.
Tom: It’s like getting the tackling dummy to play.
Joey: It’s hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl.
Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?
Crow: Probably not.
Joey: What are you gonna do?
Monica: All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, I’ll take care of the rest.
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Break!
Joey: Here you go!
(Joey throws the ball to Chandler)
Mike: So no one questions how he got the ball that easily?
Ross: Chandler! Chandler!(Chandler catches the ball and starts to run upfield.)
Chandler: (to Margha) Hi.
Tom: (As Chandler but dumber) Watch me get a touch down.
(just as he gets in front of Margha, Monica comes up and tackles him)
Crow: And the Dockers pantsing patrol is on the move!
Monica: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don’t see that everyday, do ya?
Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s with the tackling?
Monica: What?! I just touched him and he went over.
Mike: Doesnt say much about Chandler does it
Ross: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough.
(They both stare each other down as we hear ‘Let’s get ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!!!’)
(A long football sequence follows.)
Crow: Oh joy, the obligatory long football montague
[Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over Chandler’s head to Joey who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to dance in celebration.]
Tom: Shake that thang.
[Sequence 2: Monica runs upfield and stops, waiting for a pass. Ross runs over and pulls her pants down, steps in front of her and intercepts the pass.]
Crow: Look out!
[Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches it. Phoebe starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around his waist and screaming.]
Tom: She got it all right.
Crow: Well dont give it to me.
[Sequence 4: Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and the camera pans down to show Rachel standing deep in the end zone, playing with her gum. Something hits her on the head and she looks up to see where it came from.]
Mike: Not only shes not even in the game and shes getting pooped on.
[Sequence 5: Monica hands the ball off to Phoebe, who runs up field and delivers a fore-arm shiver to Chandler, knocking him over and scores the touchdown, and she yells...]
Phoebe: I love this game!!
[cut to Ross who walks up to Rachel who is eating a baked pretzel.]
Tom: Ah the queen of the spectators strikes again.
Ross: Hey, where’d you get that?
Crow: Some guy off screen gave it to me.
Rachel: I went really long.
Monica: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done!
Tom: (Gets up) Chow time! I got dibs on the giblets, hee hee.
Ross: It’s no surprise that your winning, ‘cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team.
Monica: You’re so pathetic! Why can’t you just accept it, we’re winning because I’m better than you.
(Ross makes a ‘Yeah. Right.’ sound.)
Monica: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, I’ll prove it to you, okay. I’ll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I’ll still win the game.
Tom: (Sits down) Guess we’re having flambe turkey this year.
Ross: What?! The guys against the girls? See, that’s ridiculous Monica, because I’m only down by three touchdowns.
Monica: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls.
Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you’re with me.
Crow: Huh. So how does this improve the game?
Rachel: I can not believe your trading me!!
Monica: Come on Rach, come on. Let’s see what’s it like to be on a winning team for a change.
Rachel: Are you gonna let me play?
Monica: All right then.
Tom: (as Jim Carrey) All righty then
[cut to the guys’ team.]
Margha: (coming over) The game is over, we eat now?
Crow: Fat chance.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams.
Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it’s better if we’re on the same team.
Mike: Sure and huh?
Ross: Right. Okay, let’s play. Let’s go.
Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
All: Lions, Tigers and Bears!
Margha: Oh, my.
Ross: Enough with geography for the insane, okay? Let’s play some ball, guys.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I’m not playing with this guy, now.
Crow: You’d think theyd fight over someone hotter.
Chandler: Fine with me.
Ross: Okay, y'know what, let’s just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like?
Tom: (as Margha) Ja, I like the ugly naked guy.
Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Margha: Which do I like?
Mike: Yes! She has to like one of them.
Ross: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill...
Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler.
All: What?
Crow: Face it guys, the chicks a looney tooney.
Chandler: Yes!!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn’t understand the question.
Chandler: Well, you don’t you have Captain Hook explain it to her.
Tom: I’d like to understand that, but I don’t.
Margha: I’m sorry, Joey, that is my chose.
Chandler: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I’ll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)
Crow: Hooray for me!
Margha: I’m now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one.
Chandler: Wh-what?
Mike: You heard her, she changed her mind.
Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye.
Joey: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.
Chandler: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter, ‘cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!
Ross: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls.
Crow: So what else is new?
Chandler: We’re not gonna lose to girls.
Ross: Hey! It’s 42-21!
Joey: This sucks, I was just up by that much!
Monica: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries.
[cut to the girls huddle.]
Monica: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you’re making out...
Mike: That sounds like something I did once.
Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?!
Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let’s kill ‘um!
Rachel: Yeah!!! Kill ‘um!!!
Tom: Reign that one in there.
Phoebe: All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys?
(Another football sequence follows)
Crow: Wohooo
[Sequence 1: Chandler is running past Phoebe with the ball, Phoebe flashes him, he stops and stares dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then runs up and takes the ball away.]
All: (Laugh like Beavis and Butthead)
[Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and it’s intercepted by Joey, who starts to run up field. Rachel jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but she doesn’t slow him down. Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in order to stop Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and score the touchdown.]
Crow: (As Rachel) Oh we are really killing em.
[Sequence 3: Chandler is running with the ball, Phoebe flashes him again, but Chandler covers his eyes, and keeps running.]
Mike: Watch out for that....
[He then runs into a tree at the end of the field.]
Tom: tree!
[cut to the girls huddle]
Monica: All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we’re down by two points. Two points.... (she gets interrupted by the guys, who are doing a slow-motion high five.) Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long.
Rachel: No! Come on! Don’t make me go long. Use me. They never cover me.
Crow: With good reason too.
Monica: Honey, there’s a reason.
Tom: I don’t get it, Phoebe never played football either yet how come they pick
on Rachel?
Crow shrugs.
Rachel: God, I’m not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too.
Monica: All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I’ll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe. All right. Break.
Rachel: Thank you! Break!
Tom: Let’s win one for the gipper!
Monica: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!
(Phoebe snaps the ball to Monica, who pitches back to Rachel.)
The Guys: One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi!
Tom: Mississippi mud pie!
(They all rush toward Rachel, who panics and runs away. She runs out of the park and up along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and it hits her in the eye.)
Crow: Oooh!
Rachel: I’m so sorry! Are you okay?
Mike: (as Monica) I have a football protruding from my eye, I’m fine.
Monica: No! I’m not okay!
Rachel: I’m sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn’t know what to do.
Joey: (looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on the timer!
Chandler: Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!
Tom: Yeah, but what about the trophy?
Monica: Come on! Come on! Hurry! We’re running out of time! Huddle up!
Phoebe: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, yeah.
Monica: All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go long.
Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Okay.
Crow: Don’t quit your day job hon.
Tom: In her defense shes a better football player than a waitress.
Monica: Break!
(In slow motion, Phoebe snaps the ball, Rachel goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over Phoebe, leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to rush Monica, who sees Phoebe is double covered, in desperation she throws to Rachel. We see flying through the air, and then Rachel running underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again, then the ball, then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry Rice Rachel catches the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Phoebe and Monica erupt in celebration.)
All: (Watch on the edge of their seats. Realizing they would be more comfortable if
they sat back, they sit back in the seat.)
Rachel: (in triumph) I got a touchdown! We did it!!
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you’re five feet short, so we win!
Tom: Hey! He’s picking on her height!
Mike: No he means they are this close (Mike shows with his hands) to the line but she
didnt cross it.a
Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then isn’t the play still going.(they all start to dive for the ball and Monica and Ross grab it at the same time.)
Ross: Let go! Let go!
Monica: Let go! I’m a tiny little woman!!
Crow: Oh I did see her in “Godzilla vs Mothra” singing with two other tiny little women.
Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! It’s Thanksgiving, it’s not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!
Tom: Way to gloat.
Monica: Ow!!
[Scene5 : Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving dinner.]
Tom: Thanksgiving. A time for love, peace, charity and stuffing your face.
Rachel: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there’s a like league we could join or something.
Crow: The Packers would put them on their team.
Phoebe: Isn’t there a national football league.
Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.
Rachel: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.
Phoebe: Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you think we should bring them some?
Joey: When they’re hungry enough, they’ll come in.
[Scene 6: The park, it’s dark outside and Monica and Ross are still fighting over the ball.]
Monica: Let go!
Ross: No! You let go!
Monica: No!
Ross: How come it’s always us left in the field holding the ball?
Mike: Cause youre stubborn as a mule and just as ugly?
Monica: I don’t know. I guess the other people just don’t care enough.
(It starts snowing.)
Ross: Hey! It’s starting to snow.
Tom: Actually its Ugly Naked Guys dandruff.
(They both look up, and watch it start to snow. Then they both start fighting for the ball again.)
Ross: Gimme the ball!
Monica: Let go!
Tom: Yes, lets go
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater. The fellas are playing football)
Mike: Okay we got our teams lined up, it’s me and gypsy vs Tom and Crow.
Crow: We just need a football. I’ll get it.
(Crow leaves)
Tom: This is gonna be such fun.
Mike: Yeah. Crow what is that?
Crow: (Setting it on the counter) Well if we are playing football, we need a foot dont we?
Mike: Crow that is just an expression! (looks at foot.) Isnt this yours?
Crow: Yea, but don’t scuff it up. I’m gonna need it back.
Mike. The mads are calling.
(We see Deep 13)
Dr F; Well Matt I think we are gonna get along just fine.
Matt: I gotta go man, the cast of Friends are having a bbq at the house where the who played ugly naked guy lives.
Dr F: Oh, so soon!
Matt: Sorry.
(Matt LeBlanc leaves as Frank comes in)
Frank: Dr F I have come to beg for my job back.
Dr F: Youve got it, just press the button and close your eyes.
Frank: Why close my eyes?
Dr F: You’ll see, (Frank pushes the button) Or actually you wont see it ha ha ha.
(We see the screen goes to black as we hear Frank ask....) Frank: I guess I won’t ask
for that raise.
Dr F: Smart move.
